for the past year i've always felt like a lot of people thought i was overreacting, over feeling whatever it was that i was feeling. see, most people don't think it's possible to fall in love after just a few days, a few weeks, even a few months. with me, it doesn't happen any other way. if i will fall in love with you, it will happen in a matter of days. however, i will always be a little hesitant to tell you i'm in love with you until you say it first. and that is exactly what happened last year. i am not making anything up. i never said "she's my girlfriend" because she wasn't my girlfriend. but i also couldn't just call her my friend because were were never that either. i'm only writing this because i do feel some parts have been belittled because there was no physicality in this. i feel like emotions and feelings were downplayed because yes, i only saw her two times before whatever we had ended. and because facebook decided to be an asshole and every time i go on my profile it shows me a status from exactly a year ago. it says "on this day in 2010" and it shows a chuck palahaniuk quote that is the epitome of how my relationships go and just the way i love, but there are comments on it and the first one says "i love you". i am upset today as i was a few days ago about everything. about life and its neverending shit for long periods of time. i didn't make anything up. on september 1st, i hung out with my friend and i was really upset because a day before this i was told that she wasn't in love with me but with someone else, so we hung out and she was a bit cynical at first as to my whole being upset until i told her that this girl had said she was in love with me. her whole outlook on my situation changed completely. i think people just assumed that in a time frame of two months nothing too serious could have been said, nothing too serious could have happened, and they were wrong. i'd like to think i wasn't played with. i'd like to think that when she said she thought she was in love with me, she really did think she was in love with me. i'd like to think i wasn't lied to completely. i'd like to think a lot of things. i never blamed her for what happened. i understood completely because had i been in the situation i would have done the same. i was upset because my heart felt it fully. i was upset because i had never allowed myself to feel as much for anyone, for anything in my life. i was upset because i felt like an idiot thinking that someone i was in love with was actually in love with me. this would have been the first time. i'm only writing this because i am not making anything up. i said it at the beginning, i am not good at letting go. it takes me a really long time to get over things, especially things that have to do with love. i'm writing this because for a while i really did think it was all just a dream. even recently. i'm writing this because that fucking status is my proof that i didn't make this up. i do have a hard time letting go, and an even harder time to allow myself to feel for anything for anyone else because the new person has to equal the last one and most of the time they just don't. and it's not even them, it's me. i'm usually grossed out with girls when i am out of a relationship/situation/whatever, i don't even want to get touched by a girl for a long time. i don't want their paws to erase the footprints the former left. i want to breathe in the burn and let it last. that is how i am. i take everything in, i breathe these people in. i don't wanna breathe in shit. and that's what most girls are to me during a relationship and after my relationship ends. i am repulsed. so it takes one hell of a girl to outdo what the last person did. i have moved on now, i have. but that feeling is long to be replaced. that feeling is long to go away. yeah, i can smile and laugh and be pretty fucking fantastic, but there are days like today when i get shown things i don't want to see, that just makes it all come back for a bit. i will be upset for a little bit right now, it will go away before the day ends. but i didn't make anything up. i was in love. i was in love for a really long time. more than i should have but that's how i am. i knew this was gonna happen. i warned certain people of how i was too. it took me almost a year to get over a less than two month thing. i know, i know it was a long time. and i know i let silly things get to me. but i am human and i need to be loved just like everybody else does. i can't help being upset if my love goes down the drain. i'm just a girl who feels too much and for a long time. bare with me, kids.
so i ask the world, if the person you're in love with right now tells you they aren't in love with you, how would you feel?
listening to morrissey and the smiths.
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