untitled by me.

i am writing this today because this is important to me. because these women meant very much and because i won't have time to write this tomorrow.

the last person who had my heart and my cousin paula share a birthday, august 4th. i am not someone who really believes in much. so when it comes to "signs" i don't really know what the sign is or what it means. my cousin whose 22nd birthday would be tomorrow passed away last year. i don't know the cause of her death. my aunt and all the more adult people are saying it was the combination of the meds she was taking that killed her. she had postpartum depression so she was taking a lot of medication. us, the younger adults, the teenagers, the ones that know what it feels like to want to die, the ones that know internal pain, us, we think it was suicide. we think she damn well knew what she was doing and she decided that it was her time to go, and so she did. i hadn't seen her in exactly a year and i will never forget the last time i saw her. she was wearing all black. her baby was two months old. coincidentally, her baby, my little nephew, shares my youngest brother's birthday. we weren't too close since she had been living in kentucky for a few years and i saw her once every few years, always with a smile on my face and with great joy. had i known that a year later i would see her in a casket with a flower on her hands, i would have enjoyed that day with her more. i would have hugged her and told her i loved her, i didn't. i had never had anyone close to me die. i mean, yes, when i was younger my grandpa and my uncle died but this time i was 22. i felt more, i understood more, she was 19. fucking 19 years old. and seeing her in a casket would be the last time i saw her. i remember the texture of her skin. it wasn't her. to this day i can't believe i will never see paula again and the thought of it has me in tears. it shocked me. i won't ever get to see her again, or talk to her, or touch her. she is gone. all i have are memories and i don't even have too many of those. she was the first person i love who has died. and it hurt and it still hurts. the girl i met june 26th will be 24 years old tomorrow. and i won't go into detail since i've talked about it enough here. but all i want to say that these two girls have had the strongest impact on my life in my adult years. and one passed away and saw for the last time last year, and the other one i met and saw for the first time last year too. and they both share the same birthday. i wore a black and white cardigan for paula's funeral and i wore that same cardigan to paige's and i first and only (we'll call it) outing. not on purpose of course. i don't think it means or meant anything, but i do think it's funny how life works sometimes. how two people can share a birthday and how they can have such strong impacts on your life in completely different ways, in the same year. one of them took my heart and the other's heart stopped beating. life is funny, life is fucked up, but it's also beautiful. because i experienced the death of a loved one very early in the year and i fell in love months later. august 4th will always be an important date for me, and it will always be bittersweet.

happy birthday, Paula Nicole Branham, i will see you hopefully not too soon.
happy birthday, Paige Alyssa O'Connor, i will see you when i see you.

i love you both, in different ways.


Aidee.