for you i'd do anything, tear myself in two just to hear you breathe.

i don't need to prove to anyone that i was in love. many out there will say that i wasn't. i think the only person who really knows how i felt about you other than myself is omar. and sometimes i don't even think he truly understands how i felt. i was in love with you. that kind of love that makes you walk on clouds and waltz with the wind. that kind of love that you feel with your eyes closed and all you can do is smile. the kind of love that you see in someone's walk. it was nothing but pure bliss. texting you good morning everyday was a gift to me. knowing that I, aidee, me, got to text you "good morning, baby" every morning was the icing on the cake. i loved knowing that if you worked early, i would get a response early, and if you worked late or not at all that day, i would get it after noon. i loved that you knew that when you woke up you would have a text from me, just waiting to be read and to be replied to. i was in love with every single part of you, including your bad side because it was you. the good and the bad made you you and i was in love with all of it. i was in love with every body part, every brain cell, every breath you took, every heart beat, every hair, every pore, every single freckle, every laugh, every smile, every blink. if i had to pick one woman to be in love with for the rest of my life, no matter what happened, i would have picked you. up until a few months ago that was your place. i had you on a pedestal. you were perfect. nothing less than that. i defended you from every single person that dared and badmouthed you, including my parents. i got into countless arguments with people because i didn't want anyone to touch you. not even with their breath, not even with words. you were heavenly to me. you are beautiful, you were honey dipped and on your birthday last year, i couldn't feel my legs after you left. i cried as soon as i saw your car leave that day. i've never felt this. not like this, not ever. so yes, it's taken me some time to get over it. it's taken me especially long because in my opinion, you never did any wrong and the harm you caused was never your intention. at least that's what i led myself to believe. but i was in love with you. i had to pinch myself to assure myself that this really was happening to me. that for once in my life the woman i was madly in love with, actually loved me back and it wasn't just some kind of amazing dream i was having. the day of your birthday last year i saw omar and i asked him to pinch me. my pinch wasn't convincing enough. so yes, i was in love with you. you were all that mattered to me for a really long time. you were my beginning and you were my end. you killed me but you also made me feel alive. you have been the best and most painful moment that has happened to my life. and the pain i've had to endure doesn't even come close to the love i had towards you. i can cry and hurt for years and it still won't be enough. i carved your name on my arm once. i did it so you'd always be a part of me. because i always knew you and i wouldn't be "friends" for long after whatever we had ended. for a year now it's been a series of complications, and for whatever reason we just haven't been able to keep a friendship. but i loved you. i loved you for a really long time. and if i've ever said anything that's lead anyone to believe that i wasn't, well, it was most likely on purpose as a way to convince myself that this didn't happen, because you hurt. i was also most likely pissed off. but i loved you. and for a few months i couldn't let anyone touch me because i was afraid that your handprints were going be erased by someone else's paws and i couldn't let that happen. most women grossed me out too. never coming close to you, never being able to compare in any way to you. i still write about you, clearly, and i think about you everyday. your eyes, your laugh, and your hands cross my mind multiple times every day. there's days like today when it hurts all over again. my throat stings. and there are times like three days ago when it doesn't and i can live my life in peace. i will never be able to show you how madly in love i was with you, and that's one of the things that hurts the most, that i never had the chance. and i will never have the chance, so whatever it is i felt for you that i didn't have the chance to show you is kept with me and all i can do is write about it. i've never cried over someone the way i cried over you. i've also never smiled like i did whenever i thought about you. so don't dare say i wasn't in love with you, i'd put a bullet to my head just to prove you wrong. i don't know what else to say. i would think this blog is proof enough. i guess i was wrong.

Ryan Adams- Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part


for you i'd do anything
tear myself in two
just to hear you breathe
calculate the changes that in time
turn to nothing and then multiply
yourself by pain
and you're not even close, elizabeth
over you i will never be
i wish i knew why
it never comes to me
i'm waiting on someone who just won't show
and every night it feels like there's no tomorrow
not that you will ever know,
wherever you are, i hope you're happy now
i'm caught in a dream and i can't get out
i'm caught in a dream
i'm caught in an endless dream
and i'm not strong enough to let you go
and i have tried everything
but that
elizabeth