buckets of cold water.

i grew up as a sad kid. my mom was never completely abusive but she knows how to get under your skin and i guess there was slight form of physical abuse and a little more verbal abuse. and to this day this problem still exists, not just with me but with my brothers as well. especially the rubber ducky and me. so i did grow up to be a kid with, i think, slight depression. i started cutting when i was 12 and when i didn't cut i would punch myself in the face. one time i went so far that i got my aluminum bat that i used for softball and i hit myself in the face, only strong enough to leave a bad bruise. for cutting i used shards of glass and one time i cut so deep that i needed stitches, i just never went to get them. i was doing bad at school and when a psychologist examined me she noticed i had signs of depression so i was sent to this program and in that program eight sessions of therapy were included. i would cry at every single one of them. i was just coming to terms with my sexuality and the fact that my mom was completely against it. i identified as bisexual back then. i was 15 and 16. i met omar when i was 14 but we didn't start really hanging out until these things were happening. i was cutting every day when i was 15 and the relationship with my mom wasn't getting any better, neither was my mental health. i grew up with two cousins and an aunt. my aunt being the oldest, older than one of my cousins and me by two years, and my youngest cousin being a year younger than us. but we were all extremely different. and when we reached high school we all kinda went our ways and we were just cousins now. the only person i felt understood by at that time was samantha and that's because she had it way worse than i ever did. and she was a cutter and i think in the time frame we were hanging out we both cut more than we had ever cut in our lives. it felt like a quiet understanding. but samantha was gone within two months. the next person i knew who had problems with depression was omar. and i think it was the same, a quiet understanding of our depression and we dealt with it talking about music and movies and being silly in class. we were both just two sad 15 year olds. i thought about suicide a lot from the age of 13-17, but especially 15 and 16. but i think in my head i knew i was never going to go through with it because i hated using a razorblade to cut and i didn't think that a shard of glass would do the trick. i later learned my lesson with a deep cut that i could, in fact, kill myself with small shard of glass. i pretty much stopped when that happened or i didn't do it as often. i cut and i loved cutting because it helped. as for the thoughts of suicide, well, we all know how we feel and only we know what we're capable of. my youngest brother, my leopard, my leo just told my mom that he's been thinking about committing suicide and that he's thought about multiple times. and as my eyes blur and i fight tears from coming down my eyes, i am not successful. i feel helpless. i don't know what to do or say. i'd die. my brothers are the closest to my heart. they hold a place no one will ever be able to take away. they are my life, my all, my precious kids. the thought of it kills me. the thought of one day not seeing his beautiful face makes me want to take my own life. to think that one day i might not hear his laugh or hug him isn't something i like thinking about. i don't know why he's having these thoughts. i do know how he feels and it's not a good feeling. i wouldn't be able to live my life without one of my brothers. they have changed my life in a good way. my love for them is the purest and the most unconditional love i can give. life wouldn't make sense to me without my brothers. life wouldn't be life without them. so i will get down on my knees and pray to whoever is out there and beg that whatever it is that my brother is thinking and feeling goes away. these little adolescent demons we have are stronger than a lot of us. all i will wish on and ask for is for my brothers to be okay. that is all i want. i can be okay without anything in my life as long as i have them.