for you i'd do anything, tear myself in two just to hear you breathe.

i don't need to prove to anyone that i was in love. many out there will say that i wasn't. i think the only person who really knows how i felt about you other than myself is omar. and sometimes i don't even think he truly understands how i felt. i was in love with you. that kind of love that makes you walk on clouds and waltz with the wind. that kind of love that you feel with your eyes closed and all you can do is smile. the kind of love that you see in someone's walk. it was nothing but pure bliss. texting you good morning everyday was a gift to me. knowing that I, aidee, me, got to text you "good morning, baby" every morning was the icing on the cake. i loved knowing that if you worked early, i would get a response early, and if you worked late or not at all that day, i would get it after noon. i loved that you knew that when you woke up you would have a text from me, just waiting to be read and to be replied to. i was in love with every single part of you, including your bad side because it was you. the good and the bad made you you and i was in love with all of it. i was in love with every body part, every brain cell, every breath you took, every heart beat, every hair, every pore, every single freckle, every laugh, every smile, every blink. if i had to pick one woman to be in love with for the rest of my life, no matter what happened, i would have picked you. up until a few months ago that was your place. i had you on a pedestal. you were perfect. nothing less than that. i defended you from every single person that dared and badmouthed you, including my parents. i got into countless arguments with people because i didn't want anyone to touch you. not even with their breath, not even with words. you were heavenly to me. you are beautiful, you were honey dipped and on your birthday last year, i couldn't feel my legs after you left. i cried as soon as i saw your car leave that day. i've never felt this. not like this, not ever. so yes, it's taken me some time to get over it. it's taken me especially long because in my opinion, you never did any wrong and the harm you caused was never your intention. at least that's what i led myself to believe. but i was in love with you. i had to pinch myself to assure myself that this really was happening to me. that for once in my life the woman i was madly in love with, actually loved me back and it wasn't just some kind of amazing dream i was having. the day of your birthday last year i saw omar and i asked him to pinch me. my pinch wasn't convincing enough. so yes, i was in love with you. you were all that mattered to me for a really long time. you were my beginning and you were my end. you killed me but you also made me feel alive. you have been the best and most painful moment that has happened to my life. and the pain i've had to endure doesn't even come close to the love i had towards you. i can cry and hurt for years and it still won't be enough. i carved your name on my arm once. i did it so you'd always be a part of me. because i always knew you and i wouldn't be "friends" for long after whatever we had ended. for a year now it's been a series of complications, and for whatever reason we just haven't been able to keep a friendship. but i loved you. i loved you for a really long time. and if i've ever said anything that's lead anyone to believe that i wasn't, well, it was most likely on purpose as a way to convince myself that this didn't happen, because you hurt. i was also most likely pissed off. but i loved you. and for a few months i couldn't let anyone touch me because i was afraid that your handprints were going be erased by someone else's paws and i couldn't let that happen. most women grossed me out too. never coming close to you, never being able to compare in any way to you. i still write about you, clearly, and i think about you everyday. your eyes, your laugh, and your hands cross my mind multiple times every day. there's days like today when it hurts all over again. my throat stings. and there are times like three days ago when it doesn't and i can live my life in peace. i will never be able to show you how madly in love i was with you, and that's one of the things that hurts the most, that i never had the chance. and i will never have the chance, so whatever it is i felt for you that i didn't have the chance to show you is kept with me and all i can do is write about it. i've never cried over someone the way i cried over you. i've also never smiled like i did whenever i thought about you. so don't dare say i wasn't in love with you, i'd put a bullet to my head just to prove you wrong. i don't know what else to say. i would think this blog is proof enough. i guess i was wrong.

Ryan Adams- Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part


for you i'd do anything
tear myself in two
just to hear you breathe
calculate the changes that in time
turn to nothing and then multiply
yourself by pain
and you're not even close, elizabeth
over you i will never be
i wish i knew why
it never comes to me
i'm waiting on someone who just won't show
and every night it feels like there's no tomorrow
not that you will ever know,
wherever you are, i hope you're happy now
i'm caught in a dream and i can't get out
i'm caught in a dream
i'm caught in an endless dream
and i'm not strong enough to let you go
and i have tried everything
but that
elizabeth

when i blinked you were gone.

i got my new phone today. which means that your name isn't presently here anymore. which means i have very little to remember you by everywhere i go. i cried. i broke down to my mom on my way to the place where i had to drop off my old phone and get my new one. i asked the man who was helping me if there was anyway he could transfer my old texts to my new phone and he rudely said no. i was about to tell him that i didn't want the new phone. i was about to run out of that fucking place and just keep it broken, like it was. i was about to just report it missing and pay $100 to get a new one. i needed those texts. i read them and read them all day today, trying to cram as much as i could in the little suitcase that is my brain. it's a fucking cell phone. why was i in tears over a cell phone? i guess everything in life really is connected and i guess this is what letting go of everything feels like. exactly a year tomorrow is the day you told me you were in love with someone else and not me. and today i was forced to get rid of the one thing that i was binded to you with. i didn't want to lose those texts. i guess this is life telling me that a year is long enough.

the loneliest chime in the house.

my mouth is full of "oh wells"
my shoulders are heavy with shrugs

you're pretty, go away.

i really am glad you're leaving in five days. i am too exhausted to fully invest feelings in what is already, like always, a complicated situation.

oooh oooh oooh oooh ooooh.

you're my favorite noun.





listening to
sufjan stevens- the owl and the tanager
st. vincent- cruel
the drums- book of stories

i thought i'd be okay 'til i hit the floor.

my feelings ricochet between love and hate
eventhough it's a thin line
i'd never thought i'd cross it
they never stay in the middle
it's making my head spin
and making me dizzy
always fucking with my vision
and waltzing with my lips
never sure if they should curse you
or kiss you
dominating my hands
never sure if they should push you away
or hold you close to me
everything just keeps going back and forth
love
hate
sober
drunk
up
down
left
right
north
south
east
west
horizontal
vertical
old
young
rich
poor
black
white
gold
silver
loud
quiet
pretty
ugly
good
bad
fast
slow
hard
soft
head
heart
love
hate
hate
hate
hate
love
just love

broken phones and semi broken girls.

last year around october my cell phone broke. the screen stopped working and since it was a touch screen phone, the screen was pretty important. i went to get it fixed and when i went to pick it up they told me they couldn't so they ordered a new one. i was a little excited since it was gonna be new and i wasn't gonna have to worry about other shit breaking. i didn't realize or didn't remember that my saved texts would go along with the old phone. i had 250 saved texts. texts i needed like the air i breathed. texts that i kept close to my heart and were the only reason i even cared for a cell phone at that time. 250 texts gone. i was really upset with my new phone. earlier this year i bought another phone but this time i wasn't too worried about texts, i had some new saved ones but since there was nothing going on, those texts were not as important as the other ones. they weren't lovey, cutesy texts, just texts from a certain person. i think some of them were not nice at all but i still saved them. and i only saved them because we weren't talking much so i wanted to savor in as much as i could. anyway, i changed my phone in february and when i bought it, this person and i weren't talking, i had been deleted from facebook and unfollowed from tumblr, one of the many many times this has happened. so i was kinda eh about the new phone, excited about the phone but not too worried about the texts. coincidentally i was sent a friend request that night. so since our "friendship" had rekindled, texts were being sent and i started saving them again. my phone broke two weeks ago. i went to get it fixed on friday and i was told they couldn't fix it so they ordered a new one. i have until tuesday to go through all those 500 saved texts and take them all in and memorize them. i have until tuesday before two to cry and laugh and remember what i was doing and where i was at the time those were received. it's crazy because i actually know exactly where i was at and what i was doing with every single one of them. every single one. i am not ready to let go of those texts. i am not ready to not look at my phone and for a certain name to be empty. to not even appear on my recent texts thing. i stopped deleting everyone's texts so yours stay at the bottom. as much as i don't want to read them, i have been. i've read them hundreds of times since friday. i am not ready to see an empty name. i know this is probably for the best since i won't have anything to "cling" to. but the thought of it is making me anxious. it's making me very very anxious.

stupid fucking day turned into a pleasant night/morning.

AG giving me her back: i think we just fixed eachother's sickness with kisses and cuddles. it's the best cure so far.

it's not a case of doing what's right, it's just the way i feel that matters. tell me i'm wrong, i don't really care.

i did it again and i forgot how amazing it feels. i'm actually typing this with my eyes closed now because i can still feel the soothing sensation of it. how everything seems to stop for a moment. how it feels like time stops for a few seconds. my heart has wings and its wings keep fluttering right now. i can breathe without difficulty and everything stops spinning. it's my vicodin. it's my marijuana. it's whatever drug is out there, that's what this is. i forgot how good it felt. i missed this sensation of euphoria, which really is a contradiction but i don't care. even my fingers are numb. i can breathe. i'm okay now.

pour myself a cup of coffee full of sober nights.

i wanted to learn every crevice of her body so if i ever went blind i could read it like braille. so i could shape a sculture of the silhouette of her body just by memory. so i didn't need my vision anymore because i had the most precise and perfect image of her embedded in my mind, just like she was already in my heart.

these white lights will bend to make blue.

the dvds have stacked up
all without the disk inside the box
the magazines have gathered to make a papery, glossy coffee table with rings of wine glass stains on them
there's a pile of your dirty clothes on a corner
i dare not wash it
i dare not look at it
i dare not smell it
i dare not touch it
it's gathered there from every visit
from every time my hands and eyes undressed you
it became my pillow
it became my blanket
it became my handkerchief
it became my therapist
it was my bed for months
it's been stained with my tears and glossy and bleeding lips
and brutaly beaten with my fists as i've held them close to my body and punched many times while thinking of you
your clothes have seen, heard, felt more than my walls have
they've comforted me
they've upset me
i love them
i hate them
they're piled on my bedroom floor along with your pictures
along with my thoughts
along with notebooks with your name scribbled on its pages
along with letters i was too cowardly to give you
with towers of cds that contained songs with lyrics dedicated to you
red pens, blue pens, black pens everywhere
ink spilled everywhere along with words that mean nothing but everything as well
colorful flowers that used to brighten up my room are now withered
everything in my rooms is yours
everything has your name
including my arm
and everything's a mess
including my head
a collection of everything and anything you've touched for the past year
half smoked cigarettes with ashes that fill up urns scattered on my room like confetti at a kid's party
wine bottles, whiskey bottles, vodka, rum everywhere
blood flowing from my arm like those champagne fountains at some gatherings
i bet it tastes like it too
just flowing and flowing
making my pink body blue
making my heart beat slowly and weakly
a small shard of glass is dropped by my right hand
i only see your face in blood
i only hear your voice with blood
i only taste your lips in blood
i can only feel you, all of you in blood
i needed to see you
i needed to feel you

the rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door has been silenced forever more.

perhaps i didn't fall part as badly as you would have liked. i should have known my falling apart wasn't reassuring enough.

creeping silently.

you've been my toughest lesson learned. but i will still always be available for you.

sleeping.

it's the way you close your eyes
even your blinking is beautiful
and the way you suck on your lips as a form of chapstick
it's the way your hair looks every morning
and your makeup slightly smeared
it's the blankets printed on your cheeks
and your scent on my sheets
the swelling of your eyes when you wake up
and how you rub them like a child does
it's those soft and ridiculously adorable moans and smiles you give when you're having a pleasant dream
i can only wish you are dreaming of me

keep you apart deep in my heart, separate from the rest i like you the best.

i hadn't shed a tear for you in a while. in a good good while. i will drown in my tears and in my thoughts tonight because i don't know how not to. and here i thought i was doing so well. you've been everywhere recently. in bars, restaurants, even in my dreams. i'm allowing myself to fall apart one last time, eventhough there's nothing i can really do to prevent it. i'm allowing myself to hold you in my arms with just my memories because that's all i have. i'm allowing your breath on my neck and i am going to enjoy every single goosebump my body gets from it. even if it's just memory. i am gonna listen to all that music that reminds me of you, of the sad and of the happy, on my part at least. i am going back to june 26th and stopping a day before today. i am gonna take longs breaths that build knots in my throat that will want to stop me from crying, but i will keep crying anyway. i am allowed one final cry and this cry might not stop today but in ten days but it will be the last one. it's days like today when i am reminded of when i saw you walking towards me in that dress. it's days like today when i am reminded of the time i got the two best hugs of my life. it's days like today when i still feel you next to me in the cold theater. it's days like today when i think i'm invading your armrest. it's days like today when that fucking look you gave me as you slipped your arm under mine and put your hand out for me to hold it will kill me one more time. i gulp every single time i am reminded of that look. that smile and that look have been my death for a year now. i still feel your hand around mine and i still feel your breath on my neck and it's moments like right now when i do miss you. i was doing so well. fucking august.

me: so you're my baby and i'm yours?
you: you were always my baby, aidee.

stories from the city.

you were there
not your presence
but your scent
your scent was everywhere last night
i looked around to see if you were around
never sure if should say hello
or hide away

dear darkness,

you are that gut wrenching feeling in my bones
that anguish my whole body trembles at the thought of
that excrutiating pain wrapped around my heart,
the place i've kept you for so long
you're there keeping my shamelessness company
taking the place of my dignity

all dust and stone and moribund.

i can't sleep unless i'm in the city
where the lights are always on
and people roam the streets at three am.
where the corners are wrapped with the stench of beer
and someone wants to sell you something stolen
when the music serenades us all home
and leads us quietly to our beds
i can't sleep unless i'm in the city
because only in the city i will find you

it took me fifteen years to swallow all my tears.

the one that loves you will cry
coz you'll be gone in the blink of an eye
and all we can do is sigh
reminiscing of times you made us feel high
but we know we'll die
because soon you'll say good-bye

PJ Harvey & John Parish- Is That All There Is? (Peggy Lee cover)

and then i fell in love with the most wonderful boy in the world
we'd take long walks down by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes
we were so very much in love and then one day he went away and i'd thought i'd die, but i didn't and when i didn't, i said to myself "is that all there is to love?"

oh god, help me.

ah, ladies. you all think i hate you and apparently some of you like my spanish. jesus.



ag: i have come to the conclusion that either
1: you hate me

2: or we haven't been getting eachother's texts.

if it's the latter then this message is to say hi. so hi.

ae: it's definitely not the first one. you're too adorable for me to hate. i think our phones have just decided to be mean to us.

ag: our phones have decided to be analed by inconvenience.


different conversation over the phone.

ag: i haven't heard you speak spanish.

ae: that's because you always speak to me in english so i answer in english.

ag: say something in spanish.

ae: i can't on command. i don't know what to say!

ag: di lo que quieras.

ae: no se que decirte, se me hace raro hablar en español por que me lo piden. en mi casa es casi lo unico que hablo por que mi ama no habla ingles.

ag: no tienes permitido hablar español en mi presencia.

ae: por que no?!

ag: por que me quitare la ropa alli sin importar quien este.

lagrimas de oro.

i want to hug you but i don't have the strength and courage to do so without feelings and without crying.

buckets of cold water.

i grew up as a sad kid. my mom was never completely abusive but she knows how to get under your skin and i guess there was slight form of physical abuse and a little more verbal abuse. and to this day this problem still exists, not just with me but with my brothers as well. especially the rubber ducky and me. so i did grow up to be a kid with, i think, slight depression. i started cutting when i was 12 and when i didn't cut i would punch myself in the face. one time i went so far that i got my aluminum bat that i used for softball and i hit myself in the face, only strong enough to leave a bad bruise. for cutting i used shards of glass and one time i cut so deep that i needed stitches, i just never went to get them. i was doing bad at school and when a psychologist examined me she noticed i had signs of depression so i was sent to this program and in that program eight sessions of therapy were included. i would cry at every single one of them. i was just coming to terms with my sexuality and the fact that my mom was completely against it. i identified as bisexual back then. i was 15 and 16. i met omar when i was 14 but we didn't start really hanging out until these things were happening. i was cutting every day when i was 15 and the relationship with my mom wasn't getting any better, neither was my mental health. i grew up with two cousins and an aunt. my aunt being the oldest, older than one of my cousins and me by two years, and my youngest cousin being a year younger than us. but we were all extremely different. and when we reached high school we all kinda went our ways and we were just cousins now. the only person i felt understood by at that time was samantha and that's because she had it way worse than i ever did. and she was a cutter and i think in the time frame we were hanging out we both cut more than we had ever cut in our lives. it felt like a quiet understanding. but samantha was gone within two months. the next person i knew who had problems with depression was omar. and i think it was the same, a quiet understanding of our depression and we dealt with it talking about music and movies and being silly in class. we were both just two sad 15 year olds. i thought about suicide a lot from the age of 13-17, but especially 15 and 16. but i think in my head i knew i was never going to go through with it because i hated using a razorblade to cut and i didn't think that a shard of glass would do the trick. i later learned my lesson with a deep cut that i could, in fact, kill myself with small shard of glass. i pretty much stopped when that happened or i didn't do it as often. i cut and i loved cutting because it helped. as for the thoughts of suicide, well, we all know how we feel and only we know what we're capable of. my youngest brother, my leopard, my leo just told my mom that he's been thinking about committing suicide and that he's thought about multiple times. and as my eyes blur and i fight tears from coming down my eyes, i am not successful. i feel helpless. i don't know what to do or say. i'd die. my brothers are the closest to my heart. they hold a place no one will ever be able to take away. they are my life, my all, my precious kids. the thought of it kills me. the thought of one day not seeing his beautiful face makes me want to take my own life. to think that one day i might not hear his laugh or hug him isn't something i like thinking about. i don't know why he's having these thoughts. i do know how he feels and it's not a good feeling. i wouldn't be able to live my life without one of my brothers. they have changed my life in a good way. my love for them is the purest and the most unconditional love i can give. life wouldn't make sense to me without my brothers. life wouldn't be life without them. so i will get down on my knees and pray to whoever is out there and beg that whatever it is that my brother is thinking and feeling goes away. these little adolescent demons we have are stronger than a lot of us. all i will wish on and ask for is for my brothers to be okay. that is all i want. i can be okay without anything in my life as long as i have them.

good nights that turn into good mornings that turn into good nights in the morning.

ae: i say go to sleep, but that's because i've been having trouble sleeping so i always encourage sleep since i can't do so. sleep is good.
ag: sleep is amazing. it'd be better if there was a pretty girl here with me.
ae: oh really? who?
ag: a pretty girl, i think you know her very well.
ae: i know a really pretty girl too. i think i'd be able to sleep if she was with me too... or maybe not.
ag: you're making me blush.
ae: i didn't say anything!
ag: you should come over.
ae: right now? it's like two in the morning.
ag: so? come over and let's cuddle.



good night!

Beach House- Silver Soul

gather medicine for heartache
so we can act a fool
it's incomplete without you
the silver soul running through
it's a vision
complete illusion

beneath, along the spinning wheel
collecting silver coils
it gathers heat without you
whether or not you turn from it
it's a quick turn
to let it figure out

it is happening again

the bodies lying in the sand
they're moving in the dark
it is so quick to let us
we're feeling moved through our skin
it's a sickness
a manic weakness

it is happening again

what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction.

for the past year i've always felt like a lot of people thought i was overreacting, over feeling whatever it was that i was feeling. see, most people don't think it's possible to fall in love after just a few days, a few weeks, even a few months. with me, it doesn't happen any other way. if i will fall in love with you, it will happen in a matter of days. however, i will always be a little hesitant to tell you i'm in love with you until you say it first. and that is exactly what happened last year. i am not making anything up. i never said "she's my girlfriend" because she wasn't my girlfriend. but i also couldn't just call her my friend because were were never that either. i'm only writing this because i do feel some parts have been belittled because there was no physicality in this. i feel like emotions and feelings were downplayed because yes, i only saw her two times before whatever we had ended. and because facebook decided to be an asshole and every time i go on my profile it shows me a status from exactly a year ago. it says "on this day in 2010" and it shows a chuck palahaniuk quote that is the epitome of how my relationships go and just the way i love, but there are comments on it and the first one says "i love you". i am upset today as i was a few days ago about everything. about life and its neverending shit for long periods of time. i didn't make anything up. on september 1st, i hung out with my friend and i was really upset because a day before this i was told that she wasn't in love with me but with someone else, so we hung out and she was a bit cynical at first as to my whole being upset until i told her that this girl had said she was in love with me. her whole outlook on my situation changed completely. i think people just assumed that in a time frame of two months nothing too serious could have been said, nothing too serious could have happened, and they were wrong. i'd like to think i wasn't played with. i'd like to think that when she said she thought she was in love with me, she really did think she was in love with me. i'd like to think i wasn't lied to completely. i'd like to think a lot of things. i never blamed her for what happened. i understood completely because had i been in the situation i would have done the same. i was upset because my heart felt it fully. i was upset because i had never allowed myself to feel as much for anyone, for anything in my life. i was upset because i felt like an idiot thinking that someone i was in love with was actually in love with me. this would have been the first time. i'm only writing this because i am not making anything up. i said it at the beginning, i am not good at letting go. it takes me a really long time to get over things, especially things that have to do with love. i'm writing this because for a while i really did think it was all just a dream. even recently. i'm writing this because that fucking status is my proof that i didn't make this up. i do have a hard time letting go, and an even harder time to allow myself to feel for anything for anyone else because the new person has to equal the last one and most of the time they just don't. and it's not even them, it's me. i'm usually grossed out with girls when i am out of a relationship/situation/whatever, i don't even want to get touched by a girl for a long time. i don't want their paws to erase the footprints the former left. i want to breathe in the burn and let it last. that is how i am. i take everything in, i breathe these people in. i don't wanna breathe in shit. and that's what most girls are to me during a relationship and after my relationship ends. i am repulsed. so it takes one hell of a girl to outdo what the last person did. i have moved on now, i have. but that feeling is long to be replaced. that feeling is long to go away. yeah, i can smile and laugh and be pretty fucking fantastic, but there are days like today when i get shown things i don't want to see, that just makes it all come back for a bit. i will be upset for a little bit right now, it will go away before the day ends. but i didn't make anything up. i was in love. i was in love for a really long time. more than i should have but that's how i am. i knew this was gonna happen. i warned certain people of how i was too. it took me almost a year to get over a less than two month thing. i know, i know it was a long time. and i know i let silly things get to me. but i am human and i need to be loved just like everybody else does. i can't help being upset if my love goes down the drain. i'm just a girl who feels too much and for a long time. bare with me, kids.


so i ask the world, if the person you're in love with right now tells you they aren't in love with you, how would you feel?

listening to morrissey and the smiths.

swallowing my pain.

quitting cold turkey always comes with withdrawals.

cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

it's one of those nights. the ones that won't let me sleep. the ones where i will tire from tossing and turning and i still won't sleep. the ones where i'm physically exhausted but my mind keeps running and running and it has a few miles on me and that only means i won't be able to catch it. those nights where my fingers can't catch my thoughts so nothing makes sense. those nights when my glasses don't help my vision. when all i hear all my thoughts and how they pass me by. those nights when i will close my eyes for hours and open them as if only a second had gone by. it's just one of those nights. those decemberists, city and colour, bright eyes, elliott, jeff, bon iver, band of horses, damien rice, beirut, iron and wine, kind of nights. these are rarely good ones.

a town without you.

your legs wrap around my waist like an inflatable life saver
and that's what you are
you've kept me from drowning for almost a year
and taken me to shore despite the sea pulling me down
i breathed in a lot of water
but you gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation
eventhough i didn't want it
and when the ocean wanted to push me up against rocks
you were around me holding me tight
i wouldn't be here if it weren't for you
and for this, i say thank you

sia.

sia- i go to sleep. this song always hits a part of my body i can't describe. it hits something that hurts and soothes at the same time.



lesbians getting engaged. i didn't get the whole thing, it was actually really long but i had no idea what was going on.



sia- breathe me. the end.


amazing amazing show. i totally teared up with ximena's "mediocre" and with sia's "i go to sleep" and "you have been loved". this year's been amazing music-wise. treat me nicely, music!

sia and ximena sariñana.

i bow to sia's performance. i will definitely make sure i see her live again. ximena sariñana put on a great 30 minutes too. but i've seen her about four times so i kinda know what to expect. but sia...wow. seriously. wow.

Ximena Sariñana- Mediocre

llore como nena con esta cancion anoche. nisiquiera podia cantar por que se me hacia un nudo en la garganta. no hay una cancion escrita que tenga mas sentido que esta. no hay una cancion escrita que sienta mas que esta. la letra lo dice todo.

son las hojas que escribi ayer
el lenguaje que quedo en tu piel
fue la tinta a toda intencion
de dejarte lo que soy

poco a poco
gano mi ocio
cuando veo ya no estas y me quede hasta el final

y me crei tan especial
que ingenua mi torpeza
y me senti tan esencial
que ingenua mi verguenza

me olvidaste
por mi parte
que mediocre

me encanta escucharte hablar
que elegancia hacerte sentir mal
solo quiero que quisieras hoy
demostrarte lo que soy

poco a poco
gano mi odio
no quisiste algo mas y me quede hasta el final

me crei tan especial
que ingenua mi torpeza
y me senti tan esencial
que ingenua mi verguenza

me olvidaste
por mi parte
que mediocre

prettiness.

A.G.: my boobs wish you were my shirt.

fuck you.

this is where i rant because i have had a really stupid fucking day and with my luck, it might get worse when m love comes over. here's to fucking hoping it doesn't.

i'm at that point in my life, in my heart, in my head where i am annoyed by certain people. this is actually a really good thing. this is a familiar feeling and it's usually followed by hate. hate is good to me. hate doesn't really hurt me. but i am really really fucking annoyed with some people right now and if i was a bitch i would tell a whole bunch of people to shut the fuck up. but i won't because this is me being annoyed, not them. but i really want to say shut the fuck to a few out there. i had to hide some people from my news feed because of it. i feel like any day now i am going to have a breakdown, one that will hurt some people and maybe even myself but one that will be worth the pain i cause to myself and to others because sometimes life is pain and life is hard and i've dealt with a lot of shit for a few years now, and i will give hell to those who gave me the same without any inch of guilt. i will do so selfishly just like it was done to me. i fucking hope that i have a meltdown and i insult the living shit out of a lot of people. there's so much i want to get out and i will be a coward and only do so when i am completely fed up with shit and i think that time is coming shortly. i am annoyed with a lot of things. mostly with myself. i am so disgusted with myself these days, the kind of disgust that only comes after you've had sex with someone and you regret it in the morning. i feel like the morning after hot vet and i had sex in her car. this usually has to do with someone and this is no one i am current seeing. just old shit. i am disgusted that it took me this long to get over little, insignificant bullshit. and i will make damn fucking sure that subject doesn't get one tiny bit of mention on this after this post. i am tempted to delete this fucking thing but like all things in my life, i am not good at letting go and i have over 250 posts on here, over two years worth of writing. stupid little things, but stupid little things that i felt deep in the pit of my stomach. stupid little things that now, as i said, annoy me because they don't matter anymore. because they don't mean what they meant to me what they once meant. stupid little things because i spent all my words, good or bad, on one person and now i don't have any left for the next one. stupid little words because right now i wish i could take back all i said. stupid little words because i wish they all had a different name to them. yes, i wish i didn't write such things for some people. i should have kept all this shit to myself. so yes, i am annoyed. annoyed with myself for this. annoyed for feeling annoyed. annoyed with myself because i know the one good girl i've had will soon leave me. annoyed because it was all my fault. annoyed for loving some. annoyed for not loving others. i am annoyed with myself. today was just a really fucking stupid day.

Hotel Chevalier

because i know what it feels like when the person you're trying to forget, trying to get away from comes back into your life. because that face he makes when she calls is the same face i've had when i get a certain call or text or message or anything. because at that moment your heart drops and your palms get sweaty. your throat builds knots and you lose your breath. because you're terrified but excited as ever.

"i promise i will never be your friend. no matter what. ever."

you found my dream.

i love beautiful fucked up things. i guess this explains why i love certain things for so long.

crystalized.

i wanted nothing but to give her a hug. it wasn't about anything. i just wanted hug her. but i couldn't.

no sleep tonight.

i can already feel it in my bones, as they quiver with anxiety, that i won't be able to sleep tonight. i feel it in my throat as the knot is trying to keep the ocean from coming. i feel it in my lungs as they gasp for air and collapse with each hum dallas green makes. maybe city and colour isn't the right music for this moment. i can feel my soul quickly trying to escape my body through my pores, through my mouth, through my eyes, through my nose in one big exhale. it's no wonder i keep gasping for air, one of the most important parts of my being is trying to leave me, just like everything and everyone else. i won't sleep tonight. and while some lay happily and in love, next to eachother and in someone's arms, i will lay in my bed with my thoughts. truth is, august will always kill me. august is a murderer, it will commit homicide every year for a really long time. i won't sleep. i can't sleep because i will think of you. because i will remember a conversation that is 365 days old. because in about 23 minutes i will remember the things we said, the things you said, the things i said. because in a couple of days you would have said the three words that have made me the happiest and the three words that you later killed me with. because those words will never be uttered from your mouth to my heart. because in less than 24 hours your hand held mine and that's all i was left with and that's all i had. because that will always be the most important memory of our whatever. because if i had to pick one day of my life to live again, that would be it. august 4th, 2010. because you made and you killed my summer. and because a few weeks ago, had i had the chance, i would have done it all over again. i won't sleep because my tears won't let me do so. i won't sleep because with each weak beat my heart takes, yours beats stronger. i won't sleep because i've never loved anyone the way i loved you. i won't sleep because i will dream with you tonight. i won't sleep. i won't sleep. i won't sleep because i haven't been able to sleep for over a year. i won't sleep because when it comes to you life is better with eyes open.

"you carried all my hopes until something broke inside. but now, we float, take life as it comes." -PJ Harvey

a: you can put your legs on top of mine if you want.
p: i already knew that was an option.

i've carried this ticket stub in my wallet for a year now. i think it's time to leave it out.

be my baby.

no one, standing next to you, is beautiful.

untitled by me.

i am writing this today because this is important to me. because these women meant very much and because i won't have time to write this tomorrow.

the last person who had my heart and my cousin paula share a birthday, august 4th. i am not someone who really believes in much. so when it comes to "signs" i don't really know what the sign is or what it means. my cousin whose 22nd birthday would be tomorrow passed away last year. i don't know the cause of her death. my aunt and all the more adult people are saying it was the combination of the meds she was taking that killed her. she had postpartum depression so she was taking a lot of medication. us, the younger adults, the teenagers, the ones that know what it feels like to want to die, the ones that know internal pain, us, we think it was suicide. we think she damn well knew what she was doing and she decided that it was her time to go, and so she did. i hadn't seen her in exactly a year and i will never forget the last time i saw her. she was wearing all black. her baby was two months old. coincidentally, her baby, my little nephew, shares my youngest brother's birthday. we weren't too close since she had been living in kentucky for a few years and i saw her once every few years, always with a smile on my face and with great joy. had i known that a year later i would see her in a casket with a flower on her hands, i would have enjoyed that day with her more. i would have hugged her and told her i loved her, i didn't. i had never had anyone close to me die. i mean, yes, when i was younger my grandpa and my uncle died but this time i was 22. i felt more, i understood more, she was 19. fucking 19 years old. and seeing her in a casket would be the last time i saw her. i remember the texture of her skin. it wasn't her. to this day i can't believe i will never see paula again and the thought of it has me in tears. it shocked me. i won't ever get to see her again, or talk to her, or touch her. she is gone. all i have are memories and i don't even have too many of those. she was the first person i love who has died. and it hurt and it still hurts. the girl i met june 26th will be 24 years old tomorrow. and i won't go into detail since i've talked about it enough here. but all i want to say that these two girls have had the strongest impact on my life in my adult years. and one passed away and saw for the last time last year, and the other one i met and saw for the first time last year too. and they both share the same birthday. i wore a black and white cardigan for paula's funeral and i wore that same cardigan to paige's and i first and only (we'll call it) outing. not on purpose of course. i don't think it means or meant anything, but i do think it's funny how life works sometimes. how two people can share a birthday and how they can have such strong impacts on your life in completely different ways, in the same year. one of them took my heart and the other's heart stopped beating. life is funny, life is fucked up, but it's also beautiful. because i experienced the death of a loved one very early in the year and i fell in love months later. august 4th will always be an important date for me, and it will always be bittersweet.

happy birthday, Paula Nicole Branham, i will see you hopefully not too soon.
happy birthday, Paige Alyssa O'Connor, i will see you when i see you.

i love you both, in different ways.


Aidee.

i wish i could spend the night but i can't pay the price.

the heat won't let me sleep
neither is your face
that roams around dreams
and you keep coming at a pace
that i can't catch my breath
my eyes close but i'm awake
i toss and turn
and when i open my eyes you're still there
but i don't know if you're real
because i can't touch your hair
your eyes are all i see
it's pitch black but your eyes always shine
like two diamonds in a mine
and i always wished they looked at mine
for me to stare at them for a lifetime
watch them close at night
they're like suns
i'd wake up to them opening up
your eyelashes are like fans
i'd be able to sleep with you by my side
your blinking fills my lungs with air
i'd be able to live if you were here

you don't have to say you love me.

i love that i can carry you over my shoulder
i love that i can give you piggy back rides when your feet hurt after work.
i love it when we're face to face
i love it when we're back to back
i love it when we're sleeping and your butt is sticking out and it fits right between my legs and my stomach
i love it when you sit on my lap
i love when you spend the night
i love taking you out to dinner
i love when you turn off my phone
i love cooking you breakfast
i love you stealing my pillow
i love holding you
i love kissing you
i love your body
i love your face
i love being with you
i hate that you're seeing someone else

aidee: i'm this close to turning your cell phone off, seriously.
m love: why?! you've gotten texts in the middle of the night when i'm with you and i deal with it.
aidee: you have turned it off before and no one blasts my phone this late.
m love: not today, but it's happened before and it makes me mad but it's your phone and you told me i didn't have permission to touch it again.
aidee: well i'm giving myself permission to tell your little girlfriend to leave you alone. it's 5 am!
m love: exactly! isn't it too early to be fighting?
aidee: ay! monica! give me your phone! phone off. thank you. now where were we?
m love: that's not alright.
aidee: tough shit.
m love: whenever a certain girl texts you i am gonna turn your phone off too.
aidee: go ahead.
m love: ugh.
aidee: hehe i win.

i'm just the same but brand new to you.

i lied too, i won't love you forever.

a heart full of dust.

today is the first time in a long time i really looked at you. you were standing there. your tall, lean body looking beautiful like always. your hair was shinning more than ever and your skin was glowing. it scared me, yet excited me as well. scared me because it could be someone else who is causing such magic exuding from your pores. excited me because it could be me. either way, you looked beautiful. well, you are, but there was something else today, something new.

i am not ready for you to leave. i know it's gonna happen soon, but not now. and i'm being selfish, but it's the first time in my life that i have been. i need you with me right now. i want you with me. i don't have to have you all to myself, but i'd like to have at least a small part. i got fucked over twice, it seems like i will fuck myself over the third time.

m love: my feet are killing me.
aidee: do you want a piggy back ride?
m love: really? you can't carry me on your back.
aidee: you weigh like 20 pounds, i can so carry your ass all around san diego AND tijuana too.
m love: you so can't. you cannot carry me.
aidee: try me.

these are the riches of the poor.

that feeling of wearing heels all night long and finally taking them off at night. that's how my heart and life feels like right now. i feel barefoot.