Depeche Mode- World In My Eyes

let me take you on a trip
around the world and back
and you won't have to move
you just sit still

now let your mind do the walking
and let my body do the talking
let me show you the world in my eyes

i'll take you to the highest mountain
to the depths of the deepest sea
and we won´t need a map
believe me

now let my body do the moving
and let my hands do the soothing
let me show you the world in my eyes

that's all there is
nothing more than you can feel now
that's all there is

let me put you on a ship
on a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips

all the islands in the ocean
all the heaven's in motion
let me show you the world in my eyes

that's all there is
nothing more than you can touch now
that's all there is

let me show you the world in my eyes

you said it was night inside my heart, it was. you said it should tear a kid apart, it does.

i wasn't aware of this fire inside
that burns wild like forests in october
with a single match
making green life into ashes
it grows withing
and boils my words
expanding from my head to toes
it clenches my jaw
and sharpens my nails
and turns who looks at her into sand
it digs like your nails on my back
and squeezes like your legs around my head
with words that cut
and looks that kill
we do this all for the thrill

you are someone else, i am still right here.

i don't love you expecting you to love me back
i don't love you because it feels right
i love you just because
without reason or explanation
without limits and in excess
i love you to the moon and back
and back to the moon
because only stars can come remotely close to matching your beauty
and they still fall short
i love you
just because

dear (part II),

i write this because i am upset, like i have been for a while, about *****. i'm gonna tell you really quickly about the first time i saw *****. we were formally introduced by my best friend saturday, june 26th of last year. the moment she sat down next to me, as i moved my legs to rub against hers, i knew. i knew that this woman was going to be the girl who set the bar. i knew at that moment that this girl was eventually going to tear my heart into pieces. i knew she was going to kill me. i didn't know i was going to die only two months later, but i knew she was going to be my death. the moment she looked at me as i texted her to stop talking to the old man next to her, i was mesmerized by her eyes. her gaze built a knot in my throat and i knew. i'm upset because last year, i would have given her that asshole whose name i will not write, just to make her happy. because her happiness has and will always come before mine. as disgusting as that sounds, it is. because if she asked me right now "give him to me" i would, even if it hurt. because in my 24 years, she has had the strongest, craziest, even most absurd impact on my life. because i have never loved anyone, anything more than i loved her. i'm upset because i found a diamond and i lost it without even having it my arms. because those eyes shine even in the dark but they don't shine for me. you have her. i never did. and every day since i met her, i've gone over and over what i could have done differently so she would have stayed with me, so she would have loved me and i can't find my answer. i will not insult you because i know this time isn't like last year's situation. i know you're different. i know it by the way she talks about you. because i know you're not just some stupid boy with a pretty face and stupid charm. i know you're different. i don't know much and don't care to know any more, but i know that. she loves you. she loves you the way i loved her. she loves you the way i can only dream someone will love me one day. the way i would have wanted her to love me. i'm upset because i don't have what it takes to make her happy. i'm upset because the people who can, won't. i'm upset because you have the only thing i've ever truly wanted and you're not cherishing her like you should. you're about to lose the universe, i hope you know that and i hope you're ready for it because it's the most painful feeling in the world.

ugh.

god damnit.
god fucking damnit.

Richard Hawley- For Your Lover Give Some Time

i'll give up this cigarette
stay at home and watch you mend the tears in your dress
have your name in a rose tattooed across my chest
and be your lover for all time

maybe i will drink a little less
come home early and not complain about the day
and give you flowers from the graveyard now and then
for your lover give some time

i like my girls insane.

"you can see me naked if you want. merry christmas."

can you feel my heart beating like a hammer?

i want the soles of your feet, bare against my back
and your heels pressing as my mouth does what it has to do
as it does its job
like no one else has ever done it
i want to feel the shivers
and the goosebumps of your legs on my hands
i want your scent on my face
on my hands
and your taste on my lips
all of you
on my lips

you're the only thing i ever want anymore.

And all i can think of now is your pale legs resting over my shoulders.

forgive the kids, for they don't know how to live.

"i love you. when are we having our drunken interpol/beach house date? i've memorized most of the lyrics to both already, just for you... just promise to love star wars!"

this is the most pleasant message i've received in some time.

my thoughts are so loud i can't hear my mouth.

i feel numb. i keep watching sad movies to see if i feel something and i don't feel much. i feel numb to people and things. i feel like instead of breaking out of my shell, i reinforced it. all i want to do these days is get drunk, smoke, and dance. and i find myself wanting to just have sex. nothing "meaningful", just sex. sex with girls who are just for that, for sex. who i know are using me for it. maybe that way i will feel like shit afterwards and i won't feel this way. but then i can't because i can't have sex with just anyone. i couldn't sleep last night and i've officially been up since 4:30 am. everything is running and i can't seem to catch it so i feel stuck, standing, looking for an opportunity to keep going, but i'm just watching the world pass me by. i feel nothing. the only reason i know i'm alive is because you exist, and sometimes i have a hard time with that too.

the scent of lemon drips from your eyes.

i wear your words like gloves
even when they feel like a scalpel

Empire Of The Sun- Half Mast


come on now can we talk about it like we used to talk about
hotel in the hills with a carousel
farmhouse in the front a tractor in the lounge

oh oh oh honey i need you round i know i know

listen now can we talk in love and walk the town
be easy now, go hiking through the hills in a summer gown
raise the kids, peace within and make our sound

hear me now, i'm down on knees and praying
though my faith is weak
without you so please baby please give us a chance
make a mends and i will stand until the end
a million times a trillion more

oh oh oh honey i need you round i know i know

smile baby don't cry
i will only fly with you by my side
baby i'm cornered now
baby don't push me out
lately i walk in doubt
maybe it's crashing down
baby can you save it now

oh oh oh honey i need you round i know i know
oh oh oh honey i need you round i know i know

baby i'm cornered now
baby don't push me out
lately i walk in doubt
maybe it's crashing down

baby i'm cornered now
baby don't push me out
lately i walk in doubt
maybe it's crashing down

no direction or cause.

mermaids know how to swim
but not in oceans of her own tears
and i would swallow all the water
to keep your lungs from harm
through shallows rivers i would swim
to keep you here with me

The Concretes- Lovin' Kind


she needed lovin' in the morning
he kept asking her why
to be held and comfort
in her bravest time
instead he gave her a feeling
she should run and hide
without knowing direction or cause
if you were my lovin' kind
you wouldn't ask me why
but you're not my lovin' kind
you turn to her, you turn to me, you turn to her
she woke up tired of runnin'
decided to stay all day
to seek comfort in herself
and when it's time for her awakenin'
she'll do it alone
without needing to say
direction or cause
if you were my lovin' kind
you wouldn't ask me why
but you're not my lovin' kind
you turn to her, you turn to me, you turn to her.

like crazy.

i've never wanted to see someone naked as bad and desperately as i want to see you naked.



i'm gonna drive myself insane if this doesn't stop.

to paige.

you know, i don’t go on your blogspot anymore. at least not as much as i used to. and the reason for this is that i don’t want that knife in my gut to twist every time i read something beautiful, whether it’s something happy or something sad. i hate that feeling. the same one that is building a knot in my throat as i type this and is making my fingers stiff. i hadn’t gone on it in some time and i hoped that the next time i read it, it was something nice. even if it hurt, i’d rather read something happy than something sad. i made the mistake of going on it right now and everything feels again like it’s coming down on me. this is the hold on me that you have that i am trying dearly to let go of. the one where your sadness radiates out of your body and onto my soul. and it holds me still, shackled to my bed, with a clenched jaw, to fight the ocean from flooding me with all these sad things that i don’t want anymore. i hate it when you’re sad. and i hate it for two reasons. reason number one is that you’re hurting and you don’t deserve to hurt. you deserve to be loved and held and kissed and looked at with nothing but the urge for someone to make two people into one. to merge souls and hold hearts in hands but always keeping them close to their chest. your eyes and cheeks deserve to caressed with happy tears only. the ones that come from laughter and your stomach hurts but it’s the hurt you welcome with open arms. cries of joy are the only reason you should cry. the second reason is that i hurt when you hurt. obviously not the way you’re hurting but i do hurt. everything you do or say has some sort of effect on me. everything. you being sad has the strongest and shittiest one. i have the worst timing. i hope you feel better.

p.s. stop giving me reasons to write, i'm trying to stop.

yes, it says paige. the minute i read this i thought of you. this picture isn't recent, by the way.

you, soft and only. you, lost and lonely. you, strange as angels.

she smells expensive
like cigarettes and chanel
the first thing that comes to mind is
how exquisite she'd look wrapped in nothing but a white towel
with bare feet
walking on a soft, white carpet
as i sit and watch
she drops the towel
and it piles at her feet
but she's dressed
in almost all black
wearing boots that she loves to walk in
"with a purpose"
and tights that i'd love to see off
she sits next to me
and all i can think of is how beautiful her face is
i try not to look at her
her face makes me smile
with a few drinks in me i'll be honest if she asks why i'm smiling
i try to rub my leg on hers
it doesn't happen as smoothly as i'd like
a friend has had too much to drink
it's time to go home
i never thought this was the night that was going to mark my death
i did know that this woman was going to kill me
but i didn't know how badly it would hurt

this became my song to you after i saw you on your birthday last year. i was always too embarrassed to tell you. but things are different now.

Control Freq- Sweetest Day


if there were words as large as my love i'd say them
if there were notes as beautiful as you i'd play them
and if i could make the world stop for you i'd do it
take your hand, ease your pain, and get you through it
today is the sweetest day to be with you
god only knows how you appraise me
but words cannot describe how you amaze me
if i could conquer all your fears for you i'd show you
that i'm the one, i'll lead the way just like i told you
today is the sweetest day to be with you
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
coz you're mine
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
in my time
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
coz you're mine
could i have failed to let you know how much you mean to me
is there somewhere i could show where to make you see
everything i do, i do for you
everything i do, i do for you
today is the sweetest day
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
coz you're mine
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
coz you're mine
if there were words as great my love i'd say them
if there were notes as beautiful as you i'd make them
and if i could make the world stop for you i'd do it
take your hand, ease your pain, and get you through it
god only knows how you appraise me
but words cannot describe how you amaze me
misunderstandings, bitter days, hurtful words spoken in haze
may i tell you now that life without you is no life at all
you are my love and that is all
that is all
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
coz you're mine
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
in my time
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
coz you're mine
today is the sweetest day i've ever ever had
in my time

you devil bird, you evil still. part IV

your hands are the loveliest noose
the kind that you'd love your lungs to collapse to
when life is pretty
death at your hands is beautiful

Washed Out- Feel It All Around


you feel it all around yourself
you know it's yours and no one else
you feel the thought of learning again
it's all around
you're tired of all the things you did
you'll work it out

you feel it all around yourself
you know it's yours and no one else
you feel the thought of learning again
it's all around
you're tired of all the things you did
you'll work it out

you devil bird, you evil still. part III

my hands were unkind to her. like if they rejected her skin. like a piercing that won't heal. as if every cell on my body had formed some kind of defense mechanism against her. she was like static. like two magnets trying to come together but doing nothing but push eachother away. her negative pulled away from mine. and her positive fell apart with mine. because together, we were like two tigers at eachother's throats, but craved eachother like a running gazelle. anxiously expecting it. anxiously waiting to jump at it from behind. on the hunt. on our toes. except, i wanted her. she wanted me dead. she wanted my soul since she already had my heart. but somehow nothing ever worked out. after sixteen months my hands built callouses to harm her body, given the chance. to wrap them around her neck and tighten my grip. like the devil's noose around a fallen angel. i thought this would make me feel closer to heaven. instead, she brought me down to hell where i burn happily for eternity, next to her.

The Weeknd- What You Need


i just wanna take you there
de dont gotta know it
does he touch you here like this
lemme take the friction from your lips

and i'ma love you girl
the way you need
ain't no one will stop us
ain't no one will stop us
and i'ma give you girl
oh what you find
i'm the drug in your veins
just fight through the pain

he's what you want
i'm what you need
what you need
what you need
i'm What you need
what you need
what you need
he's what you want
i'm what you need
what you need
what you need
i'm what you need
what you need
what you need

i've got everything you want with me
i'll do everything he does times three
and he don't gotta know
i got you on the floor
doing things you've never thought you'd do
baby, leave the high heel shoes
coz i love it when you're looking down on me
lookin' up at you
and i don't give a damn, shorty
watch me knock your boots off

i've been looking for answers, i've been shouting out names.

i often wonder why some people are interested in who i am. not in a romantic way necessarily, just interested. my best friend is the most amazing, intelligent, funny person i've ever met. i wonder what it is about me that he's stuck around for ten years. there is nothing special about me. i am not funny in an appealing way. i am nowhere near as intelligent as he is. he writes these beautiful semi fiction/semi non fiction stories that will make many have goosebumps and he draws like an artist. you see him and you instantly are intrigued. the things that come out of his mouth, the things he writes, the way he looks, everything is interesting. and then there's me. i know i'm a good friend, i may not be good at anything but being a friend is something i know i am. but i am surrounded by all these amazingly talented people. and i have nothing. this does also go to some of those girls that have been a bit interested in me who are fascinating human beings. i will never understand how someone like joann, with a child, with a near death experience, intelligent, beautiful, could ever be interested in me. i'll never understand how someone who looks like zooey deschanel could even speak to me, let alone be interested in me, even if it was very little and for a very short time. but i'll never understand why someone with that wit and that sarcasm and with that beauty and intelligence could ever find me appealing when there is absolutely nothing special about me. i have no talent, i am not blessed with good looks, and i'm not the most intelligent either. so i don't get it. and i ain't gonna lie or brag, but the girls i date are fucking amazing. they are beautiful and intelligent, which is why i wonder such things. same goes with my close friends. i am glad to be surrounded by amazing people, especially omar. but i do wonder how people could possibly find me interesting when i have so little to offer.

just to lay with you, there's nothing that i wouldn't do.

one of my favorite things in the world is watching you eat
only second to feeling your fingers on my back
third is listening to you speak
followed by being consumed by your scent
in between watching you smile
another is the way you rearrange your feet
on the couch, legs crossed, on the table
your flipping me off
and your looking over my phone
you are like a renaissance woman of beauty and intelligence
you have it all

these are just a few of the many things i adore about you.

junio 26, dos mil diez.

i have what i'm holding in my hands up in my wall.

i believe the world, it spins for you.

you are the words uttered out of my mouth
the ones that always come with some type of feeling
the ones that are always said to someone other than you
not with my voice
not to your face
you are that sentiment that carves at my skin
like a brand new razor blade tasting its first drop of blood
you are cold hands on my bare back
that i can only pray i will learn to keep warm
but never mind as long as it's my skin your nails are digging in
you are that urge i get of jumping off a building
because that feeling is so excruciatingly divine
you need a big enough impact to know it's real
a pinch does absolutely nothing

Sia- Moon

she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

when i see you, my knee caps shake
and that's because gravity is trying to pull me in to greet you in a proper manner

"you must allow me to tell you how ardently i admire and love you." - Jane Austen

Jeff Buckley- Lover, You Should've Come Over


looking out the door
i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
parading in a wake of sad relations
as their shoes fill up with water

maybe i'm too young
to keep good love from going wrong
but tonight, you're on my mind so
you never know

broken down and hungry for your love
with no way to feed it
where are you tonight?
child, you know how much i need it
too young to hold on
and too old to just break free and run

sometimes a man gets carried away
when he feels like he should be having his fun
much too blind to see the damage he's done
sometimes a man must awake to find that, really
he has no-one

so i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
will i ever see your sweet return?
oh, will i ever learn?
oh, lover, you should've come over
coz it's not too late

lonely is the room the bed is made
the open window lets the rain in
burning in the corner is the only one
who dreams he had you with him
my body turns and yearns for a sleep
that won't ever come
it's never over
my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over
all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
it's never over
all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over
she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

we are in high demand, us people who suffer. because we don't take to arguing and we are quick to surrender.

if my hands are too rough, i'll wear suede gloves
if my eyes are too dark, i'll look into the sun
if they are too light, i'll stare at your feet
if i'm too loud, kiss me to shut up
if i'm too quiet, i'll pinch myself to speak up
if my nails are too short, paint them for me
if they are too long, i'll bite them off
if i have too many freckles, i'll try to change skin color
if my ears are too big, i'll hide them behind my hair
if my arms have too much hair on them, i'll shave them
if my voice is too annoying, i'll write to you
if i'm too ugly, i'll make it semi-pretty with makeup
but please, try not to look at it

i'm not young enough to know everything.

i'd tell you how much i love you in an elegant way, but i'm not sophisticated. so i'll show you.

fall asleep in your branches, you're the only thing i ever want anymore.

that feeling in my stomach isn't letting me do anything. and my heart beating super fast doesn't help. ican'tbreathe. god damnit.

The National- Conversation 16



i think the kids are in trouble
do not know what all the troubles are for
give them ice for their fevers
you're the only thing i ever want anymore
we live on coffee and flowers
try not to wonder what the weather will be
i figured out what we're missing
i tell you miserable things after you are asleep

now we'll leave the silver city coz all the silver girls
gave us black dreams
leave the silver city coz all the silver girls
everything means everything

it's a hollywood summer
you'll never believe the shitty thoughts i think
meet our friends out for dinner
when i said what i said i didn't mean anything
we belong in a movie
try to hold it together 'til our friends are gone
we should swim in a fountain
do not want to disappoint anyone

now we'll leave the silver city coz all the silver girls
gave us black dreams
leave the silver city to all the silver girls
everything means everything

i was afraid i'd eat your brains
i was afraid i'd eat your brains
coz i'm evil
coz i'm evil

that is how i feel.

disclaimer: some of the things said aren't meant to sound that way that they are said. this is for me. for you, but for me. i blame the movie i just watched and shit and not being able to sleep. but i don't think i can sleep because of this.




all i have is all that i am feeling
all i know is all that i feel
and then i use it every day
but i abuse it every way

"oh my god, my teeth are loose!" - you

i just finished watching "like crazy" online, like a loser. to me, that movie is about that feeling you gave me. that same one that hasn't completely gone away. even after over a year. a feeling that was really only there on my part. a feeling that was a good one for less than two months. i'll never meet anyone as inspiring as you. i hope i do, but i don't think i will.

Stars- Dead Hearts


tell me everything that happened
tell me everything you saw
they had lights, inside their eyes
they had lights, inside their eyes
did you see the closing window
did you hear the slamming door?
they moved forward and my heart died
they moved forward and my heart died
please please tell me what they looked like
did they seem afraid of you?
they were kids that i once knew
they were kids that i once knew

i can say it but you won't you believe me
you say you do but you don't deceive me
it's hard to know they're out there
it's hard to know that you still care
i can say it but you won't you believe me
you say you do but you don't deceive me
dead hearts are everywhere
dead hearts are everywhere

did you touch them
did you hold them
did they follow you to town?
they make me feel i'm falling down
they make me feel i'm falling down

was there one you saw too clearly
did they seem too real to you?
they were kids that i once knew
they were kids that i once knew

i can say it but you won't you believe me
you say you do but you don't deceive me
it's hard to know they're out there
it's hard to know that you still care
i can say it but you won't you believe me
you say you do but you don't deceive me
dead hearts are everywhere
dead hearts are everywhere
i can say it but you won't believe me
you say you do but you don't deceive me
it's hard to know they're out there
it's hard to know that you still care
i can say it but you won't you believe me
you say you do but you don't deceive me
dead hearts are everywhere
dead hearts are everywhere

they were kids that i once knew
they were kids that i once knew
now they're all dead hearts to you
now they're all dead hearts to you
they were kids that i once knew
they were kids that i once knew
now they're all dead hearts to you

lights will guide you home.

where the magic happens (haha). my room. duh.

i spent my days wondering to whom i was supposed to pray. it's you.

i'm dedicating my life to music, wine, and cigarettes
since i can't dedicate it to you.

PJ Harvey- It's You



oh dear sweet mama
i'm not feeling well
can i step out
for a little while?

but i go missing
i steal away
and i go kissing
in the alleyway
all i want to do
and all i want to grow up to be
is all caught up with you
look what you're doing to me

hh dearest young man
teach me sweetheart
how to love you
i'm a clever girl
you've got me lying
you've got me leaving home
you've got me crying
when i'm alone

when i'm not with you my dreams are so very dark
When i'm not with you i dream of my hair falling out
when i'm not with you i walk dark tunnels of my heart
when i'm not with you everything comes apart

when i was younger
i spent my days
wondering to whom
i was supposed to pray

it's you.

i give myself to you alone. no more knives hang above me. please destroy me.

i can feel my skin unraveling with own eyes
like a snake that sheds during its season
as if autumn is the year when everything changes
like the cold tears down my walls and lets people in
and my fickle bones quiver with each frozen gasp
while the lithe hair on my arms freeze and drop like tiny icicles
and my freckles disappear along with the color of my hands
the skin i am living in is no longer mine

Devendra Banhart- First Song For B


watch the stream run by you
watch the indian chief
wrapped in blue corn leaves drift by you
watch you take root in the sun's palm
and rise out of the fire
no more being match wood
only rising higher
i wanna see you be the one whose first light
harbours in the new day
and see you settle into yourself
and never be afraid
now i take everything as a good sign
because i'm in love
i take everything as a sign from God

and now i give myself to you alone
no more knives hang above me
oh, b
please destroy me, please destroy me
please destroy me, please destroy me

you carried all my hopes until something broke inside.

maybe it was that the feelings in between our bodies weren't pulling us together anymore
maybe it's that i am blind when it comes to you
maybe the lines of our lips turned into a shape that didn't fit with each other any longer
maybe your hands were too small and mine were too big
and the lines of them didn't want to make love anymore
maybe our scents didn't combine to make the summer aroma they once did
and that look in your eyes faded
maybe it was because you disappeared
maybe it was because i erased you from my memory
because you still haunt me in my dreams

PJ Harvey- The Desperate Kingdom Of Love


oh love, you were a sickly child
and how the wind knocked you down
put on your spurs, swagger around
in the desperate kingdom of love
holy water cannot help you now
your mysterious eyes will not help you
selling your reason will not bring you through
the desperate kingdom of love
there’s another who looks from behind your eyes
i learn from you how to hide
from the desperate kingdom of love
at the end of this burning world
you’ll stand proud, face upheld
and i’ll follow you, into heaven or hell
and i’ll become, as a girl
in the desperate kingdom of love

things i hate:

- when good friends get bothered when you tell them something they're doing bothers you
- waking up really early when you stayed up super late
- my face being dry
- awkward situations with friends
- hangovers
- when i bite my nails and they bleed
- people's bad breath
- running out of gum
- losing my septum ring (it's a bitch to put it back in after a few hours)
- being broke
- certain boys not answering my important messages when the message is about exactly that
- being proved right about the above
- working on sundays
- the lack of sex my vagina will have to put up with for a long time
- and tumblr decides to show me a dashboard full of lesbian sex that again, i am not having
- my toms being ripped
- and how bad they smell
- apes living in vermont
- missing morrissey tonight
- not knowing if vashtai is single or not
- people's shitty attitudes
- that new shit itunes did to my library
- not finding a song i love
- when jaw doesn't crack
- missing people
- not being able to sleep
- dreaming with a certain girl
- and not remembering what the dream was about, just her presence and face
- wrong weather reports
- wearing shorts when it's super cold
- wearing a hoodie when it's hot
- waiting for a text, message, and a call that will never come
- songs that you don't listen to because they remind you of someone and catch you off guard when you shuffle your itunes library and you feel shitty for the rest of the day
- my hair
- when my hair decides it doesn't want to cooperate with me
- michelle bachman
- when google chrome doesn't hurry the fuck up
- being deleted, blocked, and unfollowed
- when people steal my lyrics
- how my black and white bra fits
- getting in trouble with the shit i write
- when my bibita gets seizures
- and when she doesn't want to sleep by my legs
- not being able to afford my beach house or sufjan stevens tattoo
- blogspot's little glitches. work, motherfucker, work!
- having to stop writing this list because i have to start getting ready for work
- many more things

hit me when you want to.

me dan ganas de aventarle el corazon a quien lo quiera
solo para que me lo rompan y me duela.

quiet hands, quiet kiss.

i can't be with someone who loves me more than i love them. i need to be the one who loves more. i want to put everything on the line and know that when it ends, i will lose everything. i've never been afraid to lose everything. especially when i've already lost you, my real everything.

Neko Case- Middle Cyclone

baby, why'm i worried now
did someone make a fool of me
'fore i could show 'em how it's done?
can't give up actin' tough,
it's all that i'm made of.
can't scrape together quite enough
to ride the bus to the outskirts
of the fact that i need love.

there were times that i tried
one for every glass of water
that i spilled next to the bed
wretching pennies in a boiling well
in a dream that it once becomes
a foundry of mute and heavy bells.
they shake me deaf and dumb
say, "someone made a fool of me
'fore i could show 'em how it's done."

it was so clear to me
that it was almost invisible.
i lie across the path waiting,
just for a chance to be a spiderweb
trapped in your lashes.
for that, i would trade you my empire for ashes.
but i choke it back, how much i need love...

hold on, coz the coldest hasn't thawed yet.

my, those quiet eyes become you.

the most painful thing in my life, even more than the death of anyone, has been being told that someone who once said that was in love with me, isn't in love with me. one of the things that upsets me the most is when the person that i have loved with all i had is hurting over someone who doesn't realize how amazing she is and that even when she is a pain in the ass, she is amazing. and it makes me hate myself for not being able to give her what it is she wanted or needed. it pisses me off that i am not the first boy, because i would have done everything in my power to make you love me. i would have made sure that a day didn't go by that i let you know that I WAS the lucky one to have you and that losing you might as well been my death. and it was, for a year it was. i really wish i had a stronger will power to not go on your things because i hate seeing that you're sad. i hate being right. i wish i had words to make you feel better, but i've been in a similar situation and nothing helped. i wish i could do something, anything. i know you're not fine tonight. i hope tomorrow is better.

and sorry for being a pain in the ass.
one of my favorite pictures. the night i met you.
by omar.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Porcelain


well i've been dragged all over the place
i've taken hits time just don't erase
and baby, i can see you've been fucked with too
but that don't mean your loving days are through

i'll stay the same.

i feel shitty today and at first i thought it was me missing april and all that. but you've been on my mind all day. which to me says whatever i am feeling has to do with you. i hope shit's okay. i might feel this way because i saw you a day before thanksgiving last year. so that might be the reason i feel slightly sad. it might just be an aidee thing. and i do hope that's it. and i hope you're feeling dandy. and if you're not, i hope your night gets better.

i said i was gonna care silently, from a distance, and i wasn't lying.
wait, they don't love you like i love you.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Maps

dear iPhone user who keeps going on my blogspot and sometimes does it from vannah's blogspot,

Who are and what is this business? You went on my blogspot a shitload of times last week and continue to read it. You're driving me nuts. Stop it. Thanks.

is this where the earthquakes come from?

(i am aware that this sounds dirty, but it's not)

these things are hard to swallow
they don't go down my throat with warmth
your words make me choke on nothing
a nothing that makes me cough up the lies
to breathe them back in
like water on my lungs
that will make me die


i do these things to myself.
i can't write.

we lived an adventure, a love in the summer. (for us, it was autumn)

"this is such a healthy relationship. it's sucks she has to leave." -omar

i have to keep these conversations somewhere because my memory fails at times.

apes: you're in so much trouble?
aidee: why?
apes: i was walking around in shorts today because our house gets really hot and my friend gives me this fucking look, you'd think this girl saw a ghost, then she squints and i'm still thinking what the hell is going on. she then points at my leg and starts laughing.
aidee: hahahahahaha! was it a bite mark?!
apes: yes! you knew?!
aidee: apes, how the hell did you think it wasn't gonna bruise?! how short were those shorts anyway?!
apes: first of all, i didn't think about the bruising. second of all, that was the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me while being down here. and third, you know i only wear short shorts, baby.
aidee: oh. this is the best thing ever. i wanna see such shorts on you.
apes: you suck.
aidee: no, apes, i bite! hahaha

apes: did you kiss a stripper? did you get a lap dance?!
aidee: no! no!
apes: you're such a liar!
aidee: i didn't! one of the strippers kissed me but i didn't open my mouth and i moved away. she spread her legs for me and her vagina was right in my face. but i looked away and to her face instead, it's rude to stare.
apes: she's a stripper! her job is for you to look at her!
aidee: oh, yeah. but still.
apes: i don't know what to say to you sometimes.

apes: did you know i love your lips?
aidee: i think you're just trying to get me in my pants.
apes: trying?

and this is it. i sit here, crying because i miss you already. because i know that this was most likely the last time i see you. it feels like a part of me is missing in a way. i will be okay, i am okay, but i'm missing you right this instant. you've changed something in me. it's almost as if you pulled a trigger, i'm just not sure to what yet. i wish i had these last few weeks recorded so i could replay them over and over. it's such a strange feeling. it hurts in a different way. in a way that i know that shit's gonna be okay. it's just the missing that has consumed me already. you looked beautiful every day that i saw you. in the day and in the night. we had seven weeks of endless wine and drunk nights together filled with nothing but laughs and smiles and kisses and hugs. my life is getting duller by the second. i got used to something amazing too quickly, it's gonna take some time getting used to not hearing your voice every day. i have that image of you walking away embedded in my mind. it's making me cold. thank you for allowing me to go with you to the airport. i hope life treats you amazing, my love.

"le matin je serai sobre mais vous serez toujours beaux." - the dreamers

i'll never forget that you spent your last hours in california and tijuana in my arms. i hope you never do either.

the woodsman failed to breech those fangs in time.

i've been up since six in the morning. so in a couple of hours i will have been awake for 24 hours and that's trippy feeling that i don't mind when i don't have to work. but i have to work today. the inconsistency of my heart and lungs shows that my mental stability is lacking a bit. i write about april one minute and the next i write about you. it's probably the most unstable i've been, emotionally, in a really long time. i blame that april is leaving next week. and all this neko case i've been listening to.

Neko Case- Dirty Knife


so suddenly the madness came
with its whiskered, wolven, ether pangs
he locked the door
and shut the blinds
he laid down on the floor and he slept like iron
while the dirty knife worked deep
into his spine
the blood runs crazy
the blood runs crazy

cascading letters pool on the stairs
the grass is high, the cats are wild
you can't even touch the tip of their tails
and the blood runs crazy with giant strides

he sang nursery rhymes to paralyze
the wolves that eddy out the corner of his eyes
but they squared him frozen where he stood
in the glow of the furniture piled high for firewood

and the blood runs crazy with giant strides
and the woodsman failed to breech those fangs in time
so they dragged him through the underbrush
wearing three winter coats and a dirty knife

i love you this hour.

losing sleep has never tasted this wonderful. i still can't believe you like me.


aidee: i bet i can touch your uvula with my tongue.
apes: what?!
aidee: come on, let me try!
apes: the sexual requests you propose are quite shocking sometimes. you have the weirdest fetishes, aidee.
aidee: it's not a fetish. i just wanna know if i can reach it and tickle it.
apes: i'm sure you won't have a problem doing either of those things.


i miss your lips already.

this tornado loves you.

because i accidently clicked on the wrong fucking thing this morning. and because this inconsistency is going to kill me. your power over me is mind blowing and it's kicking my ass this morning.

me: what are you gonna steal?
you: your heart. and then i'm gonna eat it.
me: hahahahahaha. eat it.
you: i could never fuck up that way.
me: why not?
you: because it would be a part of me forever.
me: you don't want that. trust me.
you: i think it's too late.
me: what's too late?
you: being a part of me forever.


you: i don't know how i feel about him. but i know i love you.

"there are those rare people that you meet that you're willing to accept almost anything just to have a piece of them." -S.

and i did. i always said, that i would rather hurt talking to you, than not talk to you at all. and that was the same with having a piece of you. for a long time, thinking about you not talking to me made me have panic attacks. it was something i couldn't bare. it was really scary and it kept me in a really dark place, one that i had no idea how i was gonna get out of and i didn't bother to look for a solution. because i think, subconsciously, i was comfortable. comfortable living in this familiar, yet never-felt pain. i was okay wanting to die for you. it's very strange. i wanted to have you around no matter how much it hurt. whether you had a boyfriend or not. i remember how shitty it would feel to see you talk about that asshole i hate. it would ruin my day. but i wanted to be there, as your "friend" even when i never saw you as that. and even when i knew that it was all you and i would ever have and it hurt to know that that was it. i really was willing to accept whatever i could take to have something of you. even a word. even a whisper. anything.

this is incomplete. i'm upset now and i can't write.

yours and mine.

your song to me.
Alanis Morissette- Head Over Feet


my song to you.
The Cure- Lovesong

i'll be sneaking out where the shivers won't find you.

can i not wake up? is this a dream that will turn into a horrid nightmare next week when you're gone? because i've had the best month and a half and it will all end in less than a week. and thinking about it makes me miss you. am i going to have to think about real things now? my life is about to become extremely boring and shitty. i don't want you to leave. i'm gonna miss your sleepy voice in the morning. and the lingering warmth of the sheets when you get up. and you sneaking your hands inside the pocket of my hoodie. i'm gonna miss the butt to crotch jokes you always make. and you playing with my ears. i guess the list of things i'm gonna miss is endless, so i'll just say i'm going to miss you. all of you. every single thing about you. starting with your patience and your interest to your wine and foreign language fascination. just, everything. my life is better because of you and i will never be able to show my gratitude for what you changed in me. i love you, i'm not in love, but i do love you. i really wish you weren't leaving. i'm a little scared about how life is gonna be when you're gone. next weeks is gonna suck.
i'm really gonna miss you, my half french, one fourth german, and one fourth mexican manzanita.

i love your long shadows and your gunpowder eyes.


aidee: you know my sheets smell like you, right?
april: of course. i make sure to smell them every time i spend the night to make sure they don't smell like anyone else.
aidee: and i'm the creepy one?!

april: can i ask you something?
aidee: yes.
april: are you holding back? be honest.
aidee: yes.
april: me too.

i can't write. this is kind of a good thing.

leave me your stardust to remember you by.

you have wrapped up my 2011
you are my autumn
you are my spring
you are my manzanita
you are my cucharita
you are my october
my november
you are my april
and i adore you

Gregory and the Hawk- Boats and Birds


if you be my star
i'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when i turn jet black and you show off your light
i live to let you shine
i live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
i'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till i can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
i'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when i turn jet black and you show off your light
i live to let you shine
i live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

no pills for what i fear.

all i love always lasts less than two months.

Bobby Vee- Take Good Care Of My Baby

all i can ask is that you receive all the love your body can hold
all i can ask is that you get treated like a queen
it's the least you deserve



my tears are fallin' coz you've taken her away
and though it really hurts me so
there's something that i've gotta say
take good care of my baby
please don't ever make her bluej
just tell her that you love her
make sure you're thinking of her
in everything you say and do
aww, take good care of my baby
now don't you ever make her cry
just let your love surround her
paint a rainbow all around her
don't let her see a cloudy sky
once upon a time that little girl was mine
if i'd been true, i know she'd never be with you
so, take good care of my baby
be just as kind as you can be
and if you should discover
that you don't really love her
just send my baby back home to me
well, take good care of my baby
Be just as kind as you can be
and if you should discover
that you don't really love her
just send my baby back home to me
aww, take good care of my baby
well, take good care of my baby
just, take good care of my baby

my love invented all of you.

i'm sorry if i was never gentle
it was never in my nature
but it was also never my intention
to be rough

Neko Case- Vengeance Is Sleeping


i didn’t know what a brute i was
i dipped my cigarette and rode the bus
vengeance built me hastily
and i dragged the clanging notion
i was nobody, nobody
nobody

all i had was my invention
and my love invented all of you
oh look what thoughts can do
what thoughts can do
if you’re not by now dead and buried
you’re most certifiably married
oh married

i’m sure you’re sleeping sound
with the mistress of the hours
the hours that grind your life to dust
your easy loves you keep like pets
denied them, you are powerless
whatever keeps you sleeping through the night

i’m not the man you thought i was

my love has never lived indoors
i had to drag it home by force
hired hounds at both my wrists
damp and bruised by strangers’ kisses on my lips

but you’re the one that i still miss
you’re the one that i still miss
and it’s ruthless that it comes as no surprise

i’m not the man you think i am
i’m not the man you think i am

i've freezing hands and bloodless veins.

with broken fingernails i analyze the depth of your skin
and scratch you with the jaggedness of them
i've always been rough
being gentle doesn't come with these hands
scarred with your name
and drawn to your fingers
you're the cuticles on mine
leaving my hands bleeding
i suck on the blood to comfort my digits
that won't ever be intact
since i touched your skin
since my thumb wrapped around your thumb
since my index finger wrapped around your index finger
since my middle finger wrapped around your middle finger
since my ring finger wrapped around your ring finger
since my pinky wrapped around your pinky
since your fingers fit perfectly in between my knuckles
since the lines of our hands waltz and sweated together
and your hand fell asleep while holding mine
since my hands ran its finest extremities through your long, dark hair
you're here
even when i don't see you
you are here
in between my hands
in the length of my arms
in every line on my hands
in every crevice of my knuckles
in between every layer of my skin
this is where you are
this is where i keep you
i am here
i am nowhere

Neko Case- I Wish I Was The Moon


chimney falls and lovers blaze
thought that i was young
now i've freezing hands and bloodless veins
as numb as i've become

i'm so tired
i wish i was the moon tonight

last night i dreamt i had forgotten my name
coz i had sold my soul but awoke just the same
i'm so lonely
i wish I was the moon tonight

god blessed me, i'm a free man
with no place free to go
i'm paralyzed and collared-tight
no pills for what i fear

this is crazy
i wish i was the moon tonight

chimney falls and lovers blaze
thought that i was young
now i've freezing hands and bloodless veins
as numb as i've become

i'm so tired,
i wish i was the moon tonight

how will you know if you found me at last
coz i'll be the one, be the one, be the one
with my heart in my lap
i'm so tired, i'm so tired
And i wish i was the moon tonight

i'm so tired, i'm so tired,
and i wish i was the moon
i'm so tired, i'm so tired,
and i wish i was the moon tonight

pneumonia.

i'm pissed off. i could break my hands punching a wall because i am so pissed. i'm angry and i'm sad and i'm crying and this sucks. and i just can't understand any of it and omar isn't here and i don't want to see anyone but omar and this just sucks. life is fucked up and shit is always unfair and 23 is too young to die. fuck you, pneumonia.

yarita. May 13, 1988 - November 12, 2011.

one of my friends passed away today. i've known her since i was 15. i'm pissed and sad and full of emotions because it isn't fair. how does a 23 year old die?! why?! if everything really is for a reason, i will be pissed off until the day i die until i find the reason as to why people die?! what is the purpose?! someone needs to tell me. i am never gonna understand life and why it is we are here if we're just gonna die and leave lots of people hurting behind. i haven't been this upset in a long time. i've hugged this girl. i've danced with her. she was so young. it isn't fair. i can't write anymore. all i can say is she will be greatly missed and she is loved my many. and it really was always a great joy to run into her. may she rest in peace. ♥

you devil bird, you evil still. part II

for the past month and a half i've been trying not to let all these similarities bother me and i had been doing a really good job at it, until today. for the past year i've been trying to avoid music, movies, certain retail stores, even certain clothing of mine just so i am not overwhelmed with memories that i just don't want to remember. good or bad, but especially the good ones. there are some things i can't escape and one of them is you. you're everywhere. april wears the same perfume you wear or used to wear. and i knew, i just tried to not let it get to me. i tried really hard to pretend i wasn't smelling you in her long, brown hair. i tried really hard to pretend you weren't there in the runway of her neck. even her eyes look just like yours. the similarities are endless. and i know it's bound to happen when i will find such familiar traits in people, but these are so present. i see them almost every day. it all began today when she left her top drawer open and i saw that little bottle of poison i call miss dior cherie. that little bottle of hell disguising as heaven. the cap off, placed sloppily next to it, rolling over to the corners of the brown drawer, next to combs and brushes and a straightening iron. next to little particles of dust collecting over the last three months. hair ties and bobby pins scattered next all around it. it's the home of her accessories. but it was there. just standing there, looking at me. tempting, begging me to take a whiff of it. as if smelling it on april wasn't enough. i closed the drawer and continued to put my clothes back on. unfortunately i can't get that smell off my mind and off my nose. i can smell you without your body being next to me. i can smell you from here. i can smell you now.

Big Scary- Got It, Lost It


think you caught it
think you got it
think you lost what you had
will never get back to you
why this hurt inside my head?
nothing can keep you
throw it back instead
why this pain inside my heart?
nowhere to run
let's take it back to the start
it's in my heart
it's in my head
it's in the shape of a false feeling
it's in my heart
it's in my head
why this stain upon my thoughts?
i feel it haunting me in my dreams

minus eleven.

aidee: i was talking to omar today about you, and he said you were his bride.

apes: i am! tell him i will be a good wife as long as he let's you sleep with me.

aidee: psht. like i'm even asking for permission. i will sneak into your bed and steal you away.

apes: please do.

i'm counting the days until you leave. i always think that if i count, times seems longer. it's not working out that way this time.


i miss you already.

Memoryhouse- Lately


lately
i'm not sleeping
i'm not breathing
without machine

lately
my heart's been breaking
my heart's been breaking
through the seam

shut me off
shut me up
shut me off
shut me up

we both get gray.

i hate this. i hate that you're hurting. i hate it. i'd give my left arm for your sadness to go away and fix whatever it is that's making you feel this way. i'd get on my knees and physically move your limbs for you to walk. and i'd tie strings on to your wrists for you to write. i'd give you my own heart to break to make sure yours stays intact. i'd drown in an ocean of my own tears to make sure you're still floating. and i'd drink all in to make sure you can't sink to the bottom. as hard as it is for people to believe, i hurt when you hurt. i care, and i care very very much. i want you to be happy forever, for your sanity and for mine as well.

and no, i don't think you're dirt. you should know by now that i have always and will always care about you, no matter what happens. i wouldn't have over 300 posts about you if i thought you were dirt.

to you,

i wish i could explain to you how badly i want to not go on your tumblr. but i can't. i can't because i need to know, like i need to breathe, how you're doing. something always brings me back to "el amor es una medusa" because i need to have an idea of how you are doing. i wish i didn't. a lot of times i wish i didn't give a shit, but i do. i give a shit. i care about you like i care about omar. and omar hasn't hurt me the way you've hurt me. i feel as if you have my heart squeezed in your fists and it can't get out. i don't know what's going on, all i know is what i read online. i hope someone wraps you up tightly in a blanket and let's you know they love you. i hope whatever hurts or is bothering you stops. i wish nothing but good things for you. even if you don't believe me, i do. and i hope you're warm and your house smells like cupcakes.

with unconditional love for you always,

aidee.

your brunette hair slices through my heart.

apes: you have apple lips, they're so red.
aidee: coz they're...
apes: yes, coz they're mine.

you got me used to your warmth by sleeping by my side and you made me love it.
you're gonna make me hate this cold winter

Bat For Lashes- Siren Song


in the morning i'll make you breakfast
in the evening i'll warm the bed.
and i'll always be happy to kiss you
promise i'll never get sad

can you and me remain?

i want to dissolve in your arms
and disappear into your eyes
evaporate into your pores
and vanish into your thoughts
you sleep at the bottom of my heart
play at the top of my heart
and you live at the center of my soul

together, baby.

i never thought i would feel this way again
not this well and not for a woman
you came into my life and you took me by the hand
and you haven't let go
i wanna dance with you forever
don't worry about me missing anyone
i won't anymore
only you


apes: i'm not letting you buy me anything. you always pay. i'm paying for my own this time.
aidee: that's not true. and i'm paying anyway.
apes: no, you're not.
aidee: why won't you let me pay for you?! what's the big deal?
apes: i'm not used to being treated like this. it makes me nervous.


apes: i'm buying you ice cream.
aidee: i can buy my own ice cream.
apes: well i'm gonna buy you ice cream.
aidee: i don't like people buying me things.
apes: tough shit.


thank you for spending all day with me yesterday and dancing this with me last night.

Tierra- Together


oh, we could be on a desert
lost without a place to go
but we are so in love
in love with each other
that we wouldn't even know
i don't care
any place anywhere
just as long
as we are there
baby, baby
together, baby
together, baby
baby, just you and me
how happy we'll be

my bat lightning heart wants to fly away.

i want to be indifferent. i want to be able to walk down the street and run into you and not remember who you are. i don't understand why you have this power over me. i don't fucking get it. i would have been happy unhappily with you for the rest of my life. and that's really sad.

George Harrison- Isn't It A Pity?

isn't it a pity
now, isn't it a shame
how we break each other's hearts
and cause each other pain
how we take each other's love
without thinking anymore
forgetting to give back
isn't it a pity

some things take so long
but how do i explain
when not too many people
can see we're all the same
and because of all their tears
their eyes can't hope to see
the beauty that surrounds them
isn't it a pity

isn't it a pity
isn't is a shame
how we break each other's hearts
and cause each other pain
how we take each other's love
without thinking anymore
forgetting to give back
isn't it a pity

forgetting to give back
isn't it a pity
forgetting to give back
now, isn't it a pity

what a pity
what a pity, pity, pity

i need you so, i'm ready to go.

there's times like today when i really miss you. i am not sure exactly what i miss, but i miss you. and it's days like today when i have to fight the urge of being in fashion valley and not go into macy's and see if you're there and talk to you. i had to go all around in fear that i was gonna bump into you. and the more i try to not think of you, the more your voice and your scent consumes me. you're like tourettes to me. and all i can do is cry. my biggest mistake was breathing you in and listen to you speak. i can't rip those two things out of my body.

it's not that i'm in love with you or anything, i'm not. i guess i just miss what you meant to me for so long. i blame being forced to go to fashion valley. and running into m love.

Chaka Khan- Through The Fire


through the fire
to the limit, to the wall
for a chance to be with you
i'd gladly risk it all
through the fire
through whatever come what may
for a chance at loving you
i'd take it all the way
right down to the wire
even through the fire

i'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

i love how affectionate you are
how you kiss me in public without a care in the world
how you always reach out for my hand to hold
how you lean on my shoulder when you're tired
how you hold onto my arm when we walk
i love when you stretch out your arm for me to play with your light little hairs
i love how you smile when we're kissing
i love feeling your heart beat against me
and how your breath becomes faster the longer we kiss
i love your face when we sleep
and your cold hands on my back
and your legs tangled with mine
making a knot that can't come undone
i think i love everything about you
but i hate that you're leaving

apes: i love that when i lean my head on your shoulder, you tilt your head towards me. like to assure me that you're there with me.

The Postal Service- Such Great Heights

Bat For Lashes- Seal Jubilee

the seals, they cried in jubilee
the sharks, they howled along with me
and birds, they flew into the wind
the whale, he roamed the lonely sea

and i dived into you
i dived into you
on this ocean hue
coz i dived into you

the lighthouse dog lifted his brow
the crippled trees bent low to growl
and swans, they wrestled with lifetime's grasp
in hopefullness they nestled the past
teachers and travellers made their mark
they dined and feasted on whale and shark
and so the ocean lost its depths
and boredom rained as the ocean wept

birds they raised their young for dead
and ladies used feathery pillows for bed
and black snow came and black snow stayed
and froze the ocean out of love
out of love

i lay quiet, next to you
transformed a whole
transformed anew
no longer diving into
but lying quiet next
to you

tu. tus ojos. tu mirada.

y fue en tus ojos.
solo que me encontre dormida
desperte y me sali de alli
y hoy me quiero perder en ojos diferentes
aunque los tuyos siguen siendo los mas bellos


picture by fuckyeahaccionpoetica.tumblr.com

tomorrow means nothing.

i don't keep up with dates anymore. they just remind me of things i don't want to remember.

gather medicine for heartache so we can act a fool.

we were laying in bed. facing eachother in the dark. i could smell her cherry breath combine with my minty one. we were talking about our days. i hadn't seen her in almost 48 hours and i missed her like crazy. we kissed in the pitch black room, our lips always seem to find eachother even in the darkest hour. i thought to myself "i am gonna miss this." so i held her tightly in my arms and she did the same. i've felt this before. or it's the closest i've felt to that feeling since she went away. i breathed her in, like i breathe in every girl i've loved. which haven't been many. she's extra needy today and i am very okay with that. i like the feeling of being needed and of giving this girl what she wants from me. if she wasn't leaving soon, i would have already given her my soul. she whispers in my ear "why am i here?" and i replied "because i want you to be here with me." "but why do you want me?" and i never know how to answer except with the truth. "because i really like you. and i want to spend as much time as i can with you." i answered. "but why do you like me? what is it about me that you like?" she asks. "i like everything i see. i am trying to find something i don't like and it's either hidden somewhere, or it doesn't exist. i like your personality, your attitude." i began to touch every body part that i loved. "i love your hair, i love your eyes, your eyebrows, your eyelashes, your cheeks, your cheekbones. i love your nose" and i poke her nose "and your lips." and i kiss her. "and the freckles that surround your face." i stroke her cheek. "i love your ears. i love your neck and your shoulders. and your back." i tell her while caressing every body part i mention. "what else?" she asks. "i love your arms and your elbows and your hands. i love your little fingers. and your wrists." i keep repeating. "what else? tell me everything you like." "i love your boobs." we both give a little laugh. "and your tummy and belly button. and your ankles and your feet and small toes." i run my hand up her legs as to continue to tell her what it is i love about her. but she interrupts me and asks again "what else do you love?" "i love your butt. i love your legs. and here." i whisper in her ear as i move my hand in between her legs. "really?" she asks. "yes" i whisper again. "you're already wet." i tell her. "i've been wet since you set your eyes on me." this is the prettiest sex i've ever had in my life and calling it sex sounds cheap. i want to breathe this girl in and never exhale in my life. it's moment like these when i know this is gonna kick me in the ass. and it's moments like these when i don't give a shit about anything but being next to this girl. we sacrifice months, even years, of sadness for seconds of happiness because we don't know how long we're gonna live. i am not willing to sacrifice a moment of happiness to not be sad in the future. i am not willing to let go of something good just because it will hurt later. what if there is no later? nothing is certain in life other than death, and i am trying to make the best out of it before that life changing event, clearly, happens.

sometimes i can't believe it, i'm moving past the feeling.

she was waiting for me there. sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette. i'm sure if it wasn't illegal, a glass of wine would keep her cigarette company and her other hand busy. she was wearing a flora dress and her legs were crossed, her right leg on top of the left. her cigarette hand delicately in the air with her other arm across underneath her breasts. she was talking to an older woman. i receive a text before actually going up to her "this lady is smoking me out." her back is exposed just enough that her leopard print bra peaks out. her long hair falling off her shoulders making her face hardly visible. but she looked beautiful, her dimply face smiling as she talked to this woman. i hated to interrupt. i finally went up to her and she excused herself. she gave me a kiss on the lips in the middle of the mall and held my hand. and we wandered off.

Arcade Fire- The Suburbs (continued)

because nothing matters now but the fact that this song that made me cry like a baby, now makes me feel absolutely nothing. i can enjoy it in peace now.



if i could have it back
all the time that we wasted
i'd only waste it again
if i could have it back
you know i'd love to waste it again
waste it again and again and again

i've got to ask
sometimes i can't believe it
i'm moving past the feeling again

i'll be your savior, your secret vice.

april: ugh. i love that stupid smile you just gave me.
aidee: i love how you insult me and compliment me at the same time.
april: it's part of my charm.
aidee: i hate you.
april: no, you don't. you're half in love with me. i can see it in that same stupid smile, that's why i love it.

i am not in love with you.
but i wouldn't mind spending every single second of my life next to you.
yours are the new pair eyes that i want to gaze into.

Grand Ole Party- Roll On Down


look oh how high i stand on this dune
the sand shifting shapes
and i hope, i hope i will shift some too
yes, i hope i'll shift some soon

and look how the water dances on top the sand
out tens of hundreds of miles
and it's the dream in this heat to reach it before dark
but i fear that by then she'll be dried

but there is no falling off this mound
no matter its height you can only roll down
down, down, down,

oh look how my legs seem to move on their own
without much prompting from me
and i know, i know they'll cut out on me too
yes, i know they'll drop me real soon

look at the band of travelers you're with
would you risk your life to save theirs
it's the law of the land to get what you can
and preserve all that can't be procured

look oh how red seems to bleed into blue
as the sun sinks to his grave
and i fear, i fear i will sink to mine too
yes, i fear i'll sink to it soon

for you, forever ago.

that picture feels like a knife to my throat.

it's in my zebra album. that picture was sent to me august 18th of last year. what a stupid thing to make me feel this shitty again.

glided, dark, and golden.

i love watching you sleep.


april: heaven is a feeling i get in your arms.
aidee: are you singing me bat for lashes?
april: yes, but i mean it. i love being here with you.
aidee: me too.


shit.

Bat For Lashes- Siren Song


can i stay with you a while?
can i stop off in your bed tonight?
i could make you smile
in the morning i'll make you breakfast
in the evening i'll warm the bed
and i'll always be happy to kiss you
promise i'll never get sad

she's a sight to see, and she's good to me.

my thoughts are inconsistent as each minute passes me by
and now i can't differentiate love from hate

Elliott Smith- A Passing Feeling


everything is gone but the echo of the burst of a shell
and i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
in the city I built up and blew to hell
i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
still i send all the time
my request for relief
down the dead power line
though i'm beyond belief
in the help i require
just to exist at all
took a long time to stand
took an hour to fall
i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
still i send all the time
my request for relief
down the dead power line
though i'm beyond belief
in the help i require
just to exist at all
took a long time to stand
took an hour to fall

you took apart a picture that wasn't right.

i know you're never coming back
of this i am sure
but i am afraid that if you were to ever come back
i wouldn't be able to say no
i need to be sure that if i do see you again
i won't fall apart

don't move.

"this was a dalliance, a cheap affair. you don't want to run away with me, you just want to run away." -Rachel Menken (Mad Men)

slow down, dilettante, so i can limp beside you, and follow in your rush too.

april: it's the way you talk about girls. you're upset with them but you never insult them. i love that you loved this person so much and eventhough she did you wrong you talk about her beautifully and defend and excuse her. we get wronged and it's in our nature and instinct to harm that person back. i could tell by listening to you that it's never been your intention. doing her wrong would harm you too. you were talking with passion. you kept moving your hands and your whole body. and i heard your voice crack a few times like if you were gonna burst out in tears. it was intense watching you speak the way you were speaking, it seemed honest and comfortable. i loved it. that's the reason i ask you semi personal questions, because i love watching you speak about things that you are passionate about.

my apple. mi manzana. my spring. my autumn. my october. my april.

i want to have as much of your body on my fingers.
i want to go so deep that i can touch your soul.
that i can smell it.
that i can feel it.
that i can taste it.

paris. athens. iceland. germany. edinburgh.

i yearn for the day when i begin to write and my thoughts don't drift to your name.
to your face.
to you.

i'm collecting the love that i've been giving.

loving you was like being on death row.
so i stopped.

St. Vincent- All My Stars Aligned


i read the signs
i got all my stars aligned
my amulets, my charms
i set all my false alarms
so i'll be someone
who won't be forgotten
i've got a question
and you've got the answer

i do a dance to make the rain come
smile to keep the sky from falling down down down down
collect the love that i've been given
build a nest for us to sleep in here
you know it's real

i check my palms
the cracks in the sidewalk
my visions and my dreams
i cross all my fingers
that you'll be someone
that won't be forgotten
what was your question
i've got the answer

i do a dance to make the rain come
smile to keep the sky from falling down down down down
collect the love that i've been given
build a nest for us to sleep in here
you know it's real

there are no signs
there are no stars aligned
no amulets not a charm
to bring you back to my arms
there's just this human heart
that's built with this human flaw
what was your question
love is the answer

i do a dance to make the rain come
smile to keep the sky from falling down down down down
collect the love that i've been given
build a nest for us to sleep in here
you know it's real

wings wouldn't help you. down fills the ground, gravity's proud.

like red lipstick stains on my wine glass
you left your bite all over my neck
and scent all over my jacket
like if you wanted your handprints all over my body for yours to keep
for you only
so no one else could have their paws on me
you didn't want someone else to have me
but you didn't want me either
you didn't want my fingers tracing the lines on your hands
or my playing with your knuckles
but you dug your nails violently and deep in my back
and you left the open wounds to heal and bleed for themselves
as if you knew that that was enough to keep me here
standing
waiting
craving
yearning for you
for your voice on my ear one more time
for your eyes to meet mine once again
i wanted you to love me
so i tried to dig my nails deep in your back
but you have thicker skin

there's smoke in my eyes coz you're burning the ground.

just like that everything gets messed up again. in a way i'm now kinda glad i didn't have access to the fucking internet for two days. fuck. can i go back to my dream again?

St. Vincent- Landmines


i'm crawling through landmines
just to know where you are
there's smoke in my eyes
coz you're burning the ground

i'm crawling through landmines
just to feel where you are
under cover of night
i put a pearl in the ground

where'd you go
not so far
please don't go
not too far
where'd you go
not so far
please don't go
not too far

i found your ring with the feather on
one arm in and one arm gone
save this ring let's bring Paris right here

oh, my dear
my love
do you know, my love?
do you know?

i'm crawling through landmines
just to feel where you've been
there's gauze over my eyes
but you're leaving this trail

i'm crawling through landmines
i know cause I planted them
under cover of night
i put my heart in the ground

oh where'd you go?
not so far
please don't go
not too far
where'd you go
not so far
please don't go
not too far

i found your glove with the leather torn
five fingers that i'm counting on
smoke signals to call you right here

oh, my love
my dear
my love
my dear

it's not the perfect plan, but it's the one we got.

the past three days have been nothing but smiles and laughs and cries of joy and pleasure and no sleep and funny feelings in my stomach and perfection and beauty and just nothing but pure and fantastic and wonderful bliss. i can sit my ass down, as i am doing right now, breathe, and actually say that i am happy. i am sleep deprived and i could care less.

april spent the night on monday and it was such an amazing night. i haven't felt that close to a woman in a really long time. i don't know where this is going, if anywhere, but i am gonna enjoy the hell out of it and worry about shit later. tuesday morning i meet up with ethien see his sister who is soooooooooo pretty. some of the prettiest eyes and lips i've ever seen. but the highlight was that i saw st. vincent last night. she was perfect. she's stunning. that woman is perfect and i'd like to keep her forever. her set was amazing and her voice and her guitar skills are ridiculous. i bow to the feet annie clark and i'll eat the crumbs of food she drops. i will kiss the floor she walks on. she is my queen. i'm in love. i run into johnny who offers his home to ethien and i and we surprise omar. it was the cherry on top of my sundae seeing omar after a month of not seeing him. i love that man like no other. we talked but couldn't completely catch up because we had another visitor. but it was still really nice to see him. this is half assed and it's okay. i just need these days on record and stuff.

i'm not a photographer, obviously. or a filmmaker.

year of the tiger.

this was yours.

are you lost without your lamb?

i've only had one girl in my bed and house in my 24 years of life. and the one i had wanted here for the longest time, never happened. m love has been the only girl that's been in my house, in my bed, who has spent the night. she's seen my bathroom, my kitchen, my brothers' room, my mom's room, my living room, my backyard. she's seen my room clean and she's seen it dirty. i don't let just anyone into my house. which is one of the reasons she's been the only one. i have the house to myself tonight and april is coming over to spend it with me. i'm a little nervous. not because of sex or anything, but because she's someone different. and m love's shoes are still here. and it's just... different. i'm washing my blankets and sheets and pillowcases in case they still smell like someone else. with m love it happened so often that i don't even remember how i was feeling the first time she came over. i'm assuming it was something like this. i'm just a little nervous that she's gonna see my room and smell where i sleep. fuck. i feel like a stupid kid. nervous but excited.

my room right now.