my thoughts are so loud i can't hear my mouth.

i feel numb. i keep watching sad movies to see if i feel something and i don't feel much. i feel numb to people and things. i feel like instead of breaking out of my shell, i reinforced it. all i want to do these days is get drunk, smoke, and dance. and i find myself wanting to just have sex. nothing "meaningful", just sex. sex with girls who are just for that, for sex. who i know are using me for it. maybe that way i will feel like shit afterwards and i won't feel this way. but then i can't because i can't have sex with just anyone. i couldn't sleep last night and i've officially been up since 4:30 am. everything is running and i can't seem to catch it so i feel stuck, standing, looking for an opportunity to keep going, but i'm just watching the world pass me by. i feel nothing. the only reason i know i'm alive is because you exist, and sometimes i have a hard time with that too.