dear (part II),

i write this because i am upset, like i have been for a while, about *****. i'm gonna tell you really quickly about the first time i saw *****. we were formally introduced by my best friend saturday, june 26th of last year. the moment she sat down next to me, as i moved my legs to rub against hers, i knew. i knew that this woman was going to be the girl who set the bar. i knew at that moment that this girl was eventually going to tear my heart into pieces. i knew she was going to kill me. i didn't know i was going to die only two months later, but i knew she was going to be my death. the moment she looked at me as i texted her to stop talking to the old man next to her, i was mesmerized by her eyes. her gaze built a knot in my throat and i knew. i'm upset because last year, i would have given her that asshole whose name i will not write, just to make her happy. because her happiness has and will always come before mine. as disgusting as that sounds, it is. because if she asked me right now "give him to me" i would, even if it hurt. because in my 24 years, she has had the strongest, craziest, even most absurd impact on my life. because i have never loved anyone, anything more than i loved her. i'm upset because i found a diamond and i lost it without even having it my arms. because those eyes shine even in the dark but they don't shine for me. you have her. i never did. and every day since i met her, i've gone over and over what i could have done differently so she would have stayed with me, so she would have loved me and i can't find my answer. i will not insult you because i know this time isn't like last year's situation. i know you're different. i know it by the way she talks about you. because i know you're not just some stupid boy with a pretty face and stupid charm. i know you're different. i don't know much and don't care to know any more, but i know that. she loves you. she loves you the way i loved her. she loves you the way i can only dream someone will love me one day. the way i would have wanted her to love me. i'm upset because i don't have what it takes to make her happy. i'm upset because the people who can, won't. i'm upset because you have the only thing i've ever truly wanted and you're not cherishing her like you should. you're about to lose the universe, i hope you know that and i hope you're ready for it because it's the most painful feeling in the world.