to paige.

you know, i don’t go on your blogspot anymore. at least not as much as i used to. and the reason for this is that i don’t want that knife in my gut to twist every time i read something beautiful, whether it’s something happy or something sad. i hate that feeling. the same one that is building a knot in my throat as i type this and is making my fingers stiff. i hadn’t gone on it in some time and i hoped that the next time i read it, it was something nice. even if it hurt, i’d rather read something happy than something sad. i made the mistake of going on it right now and everything feels again like it’s coming down on me. this is the hold on me that you have that i am trying dearly to let go of. the one where your sadness radiates out of your body and onto my soul. and it holds me still, shackled to my bed, with a clenched jaw, to fight the ocean from flooding me with all these sad things that i don’t want anymore. i hate it when you’re sad. and i hate it for two reasons. reason number one is that you’re hurting and you don’t deserve to hurt. you deserve to be loved and held and kissed and looked at with nothing but the urge for someone to make two people into one. to merge souls and hold hearts in hands but always keeping them close to their chest. your eyes and cheeks deserve to caressed with happy tears only. the ones that come from laughter and your stomach hurts but it’s the hurt you welcome with open arms. cries of joy are the only reason you should cry. the second reason is that i hurt when you hurt. obviously not the way you’re hurting but i do hurt. everything you do or say has some sort of effect on me. everything. you being sad has the strongest and shittiest one. i have the worst timing. i hope you feel better.

p.s. stop giving me reasons to write, i'm trying to stop.

yes, it says paige. the minute i read this i thought of you. this picture isn't recent, by the way.