the end.

because i loved you with all i had and it still was never enough.

i loved you
not only with your broken parts
but the fucked up parts too
the ones when you threw words so diligently
and carved them underneath my skin

"You make me feel like a woman." -vera

i want my ears to be muffled by your legs

to be my permanent ear muffs

thirty-three.

i wonder if you still listen to the smashing pumpkins

and if you still wanna die at 29, it's less than two years away

i wonder if you only used to say that to me because you knew it scared me and made me sad

you knew how in love i was with you

truth is, i miss you

but not the way i've missed other girls

but in how i never really knew you

how in almost 10 years now, i can't seem to get you out of my head

but again, it's not in a romantic way

i always wonder how you are and how you've been

and i remember your face in the morning

your wet hair and your clean face

you always smelled sweet

i wonder if you still listen to the smashing pumpkins

if you remember that i introduced you to garbage

if you remember that you were all i cared about at 15

and still think about at 25

i miss you

in a way that i can't explain and don't expect anyone, not even you, to understand

i miss you

The Smashing Pumpkins- Thirty-Three

speak to me in a language i can hear
humour me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can't be late
supper's waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so i pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own

the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in myold jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and down again
i know i'll make it, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the Earth
and you can make it last forever
you can make it last forever

and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i've journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts  still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i'm ready to return
i'll make the effort, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the Earth
tomorrow's just an excuse
tomorrow's just an excuse

and you can make it last forever

You.

I kind of miss you making my life miserable because in fact, i enjoyed it terribly.

dear paige,

you'd make a beautiful book.

i am certain that i was put in this world to worship you and i won't do any less than that.

fill my sorrows.

your delicate white shoulders have whispered something in my ear. "touch me" they said. my hands couldn't resist and obliged. they whisper some more, "kiss me". my lips leaned in and grazed their dry wrinkles on your beautiful shoulders that spread out like two magical devil wings. your touch burns... and i wouldn't want it any other way.

i still dream about your legs

and how long they look in shorts

i still have the smell of your womanhood

on my top lip

oh diamond, how have you been?

it's hard to be disappointed with life when you look up at the sky and it's full of bright stars and you see how beautiful it is

it's hard to be upset at life when i look at your face and it's even more beautiful than the sky itself 

i look at you and i'm happy

i look at you and my life is made

Frou Frou- Breathe In

because there are days when i think i have to be in love with you in order to be happy.

I read you, and God I'm good at it
I'm so spot on
Chord shapes in air
Go press that dissonance if you dare
And you breathe it in
Finesse and innocent
From her partying

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you, no?
Can't help but love, you know

What part of no don't you understand?
I've told you before
To just get off my case
This isn't happening
Stop this now
And I, where was I?
I have to be somewhere
Now, where did I put it?

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you, no?
Can't help but love, you know

Is this it?...

Yes, hello we're back and we're taking calls
Now what was the question?

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you, no?
Can't help but love, you know

Can't keep hanging on to what is dead and gone.

But truth is: life is really good but a little boring when you're not around. And, sometimes, i don't know which side to pick.

my heart's a socket you can plug into at will.

"it was never something like 'i like you, why don't you like me back thing', it was more like 'she never loved me even half of what she loved this other person. not even for a day. not even for a moment. and she was never happy with me the way she was with this person, even if they just sat there.' it was the fact that i know that no one will ever love me that way. that's what it always was."

my heart is a child that stumbles lonely for the arms of the wild.

i'll give you my world

and then have nothing left for whoever comes next

at 23 i fell in love with the first girl that held my hand
she never gave anything after that
and i'm thankful
and i'm resentful

love is not a victory march.

i feel really stupid when you feel like shit. i feel stupid because eventhough i know you're not gonna answer my messages, i still text you in hopes that maybe, possibly this time it's gonna be different. it never is. i hate when you're sad. i hate it, it's quite possibly the shittiest thing i feel these days. more than my own sadness and my own loneliness, knowing you're sad is at the top of my list. and the thing is, no matter what i say to you, no matter how badly you know that i want you, that i love you, that i hurt for you, no matter what i do or say, it will never make a difference, and that makes me feel even shittier. it's nights like this that i don't know what to do and that i want to really move on and i can't. i can live like this forever, that's the sad part. i can live the way things are right now. i can live with your subtle flirting. i can live with you letting me bite your inner thighs. with you letting me smell your armpits. i can live with you walking around wearing nothing but underwear in my presence. i can live like this. i can live with you letting me smell your most intimate parts and letting me kiss and bite your knee caps but not let me kiss you. i can live like this. i shouldn't. i hope you feel better. i really hope you do. and i hope one day you realize how much i love you. and if i ever move on, i hope you don't miss me. but i hope you do.

you want the wanting but you don't want the want. and that's what has me shackled at my feet unable to move on.

It's like learning a new language, helps me catch up on my mime.

Your eyes still steal all my sighs.

champagne year full of sober months.

i am magnetized by your big brown eyes
and the way i wouldn't mind getting lost in them
see, i've gazed into beautiful eyes before
but now i only want to gaze into yours
i want to climb inside your retina and build us a fire
i want to sleep in your iris and make a photo album of our home

you make me feel really stupid and for that, i hate myself.

i was doing so well, i just can't help that i miss you.

The Doors- The End

this is the end
beautiful friend
this is the end
my only friend, the end
of our elaborate plans, the end
of everything that stands, the end
no safety or surprise, the end
i'll never look into your eyes...again
can you picture what will be
so limitless and free
desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
in a...desperate land
lost in a roman...wilderness of pain
and all the children are insane
all the children are insane
waiting for the summer rain, yeah
there's danger on the edge of town
ride the king's highway, baby
weird scenes inside the gold mine
ride the highway west, baby
ride the snake, ride the snake
to the lake, the ancient lake, baby
the snake is long, seven miles
ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
the west is the best
the west is the best
get here, and we'll do the rest
the blue bus is callin' us
the blue bus is callin' us
driver, where you taken' us
the killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
he took a face from the ancient gallery
and he walked on down the hall
he went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
paid a visit to his brother, and then he
he walked on down the hall, and
and he came to a door...and he looked inside
father, yes son, i want to kill you
mother...i want to...fuck you
c'mon baby, take a chance with us
c'mon baby, take a chance with us
c'mon baby, take a chance with us
and meet me at the back of the blue bus
doin' a blue rock
on a blue bus
doin' a blue rock
c'mon, yeah
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
this is the end
beautiful friend
this is the end
my only friend, the end
it hurts to set you free
but you'll never follow me
the end of laughter and soft lies
the end of nights we tried to die
this is the end

Vita Sackville West to Virginia Woolf.

"I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary a phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it. And yet I believe you’ll be sensible of a little gap. But you’d clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this —But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it."

one of my favorite pieces of writing. i wish i could write beautiful like this, maybe that way you would have come back. maybe that way you would have loved me.

good hold.

things changed last night

sentiments shifted

my thoughts deviated from your eyes and onto someone else's

i only emphasize your loneliness.

i'd sacrifice money and heaven all for you.

only you and music move me.

which makes my life extremely hard these days.

i listen to you speak because it's summer and beautiful things thrive during summer.

manzanita: remember that time i danced to you in the privacy of your room to bat for lashes?

aidee: you mean that time you seduced me and took off all your clothes?

manzanita: yes.

aidee: yes, i remember. why?

manzanita: just making you sure you know what's coming to you in two days.

through double pain.

there's this void in my chest
i think it's the space your eyes occupied
it grows more hollow with each tear my eyelids let escape
when salt is dispersed beneath my feet
like sandy toes on a beautiful beach
fill this void
let your brown eyes gaze into mine
let me lose myself in that labyrinth
and never let me out
fill this void
or spread your porcelain hand and reach into my heart
take a hold and rip it out
and take it
i don't want it if it's yours

does it become you?

you've been planted in fields of gold
you've blossomed beautifully

just love her. just be with her. just wrap your arms around her and never let her go.

how can a human being hurt so much? why do you hurt so much?

sleepwalk.

i hadn't cried this hard over anything in almost a year. and i hadn't felt this hole in my chest feel any more hollow.

breathing has never been this difficult.

Santo and Johnny- Sleepwalk

if i could have it back...

i walked home today and as i moved one leg in front of the other and let the sun burn my face with its rays i thought of you, as i always do when my mind has a time off from the other bullshit it makes up. i thought about us... and then the thought ended. i hurried home, cramping on each toe that didn't want to cooperate, and began to panic. i quickly opened the front door of my house, the white door, then i went inside and ran to my room. i opened my room and i rummaged through all of my belongings, hoping to find a hint of "us". i looked for hours and hours hoping to find something, anything. even just a piece of paper with your name. i hoped to find some kind of article that said that you and i were an "us" at some time but i failed at finding something. i needed just a trace that when the word "we" was used, it was used for you and me together. i exhausted every ounce of energy and felt defeated when i didn't find anything. i couldn't find a trace of us, because there was never an "us".

i'm strangely afraid of things that don't threaten me.

it's crazy how blind and stupid i am when i'm in love.

i saw the place where i would be living if i did decide to move to long beach...



i wanna move to long beach.

long beach.

beautiful women with long legs and tattooed thighs
wearing short dresses, matching my sighs
colorful arms matching their lips
pitch black haired and shaking their hips
i stared from a distance, taking my drink
while they discussed their arms full of ink
on to the beach they wore hardly any clothes
their sight had cleared all of my woes


blah blah blah

I'd rake the springtime across your sheets.

aching looks and breaking hearts.

pain wrapped around her like a dress and she looked devastatingly beautiful wearing it.

come cut me open.

"is this okay?" she asked as she straddled my legs. it seemed like a her confidence was just a mask and she was just as nervous as i was. her jet black hair over her face and covering mine as i was looking up at her. she kept brushing the bangs out of my face and touching my cheeks and tracing my lips and down to my neck, grabbing it as if marking every spot where she was going to kiss me. i could feel my legs wanting to tap on the dirty carpet out of sheer nerves but i denied them the pleasure. she flipped her hair to the side and gave me this look. her beautiful dark eyebrows sitting proud above her eyes, just staring at me. she got both of her hands around my neck and scratched my skin. making a sound and leaving its print and taking some of my skin under her fingernails. "ssss" i said in between my teeth as she dragged her red fingernails across my flesh. she pulled me by my collar and stretched backwards. her back arched beautifully. her ass in my hands, taking a full grasp. she collapses on the couch and takes me with her. i fall on top of her. her legs wrapped around me. she takes off my glasses and places them on the coffee table among half empty glasses of jack and coke, sylvia plath's "the bell jar", a crystal vase with withered yellow flowers, and a few remote controls that she didn't know what they were for. my glasses were in good company. i take off my jacket and she follows it with her eyes as it drops on the floor beneath us, making a sound. she sits up and i unbutton her black dress from behind. each button felt like aid for us to catch our breath. one button. two buttons. three buttons...four, five. i slide the straps of her bra down her shoulders. she pulls my shirt over my arms and leans in to kiss me. her lips soft and delicious. warm and obscene. she tastes of cherry and jack and my lips could not get enough of them. her mouth nibbles on my bottom lip, tugging at my lip ring. we were like a bow and arrow waiting to be shot. the target was fucking.




this is incomplete.

the scariest thing i've heard recently is omar telling me you're going to disappear from my life soon. i can't not have you in my life.

missing.

something is missing, a feeling, that is
the one that kept me up all night
the one that made me toss and turn endlessly for hours
that same gut wrenching feeling i had whenever i read or heard certain things
that feeling is missing
that same feeling i had that shitty august night
the one that made the ocean pour its salt down my cheeks and at my feet
where all i could taste was bitter and salty
something is missing
and it's no longer a beating heart
it's no longer a breathing person
or walking legs
it's no longer soft kisses
and awkward glances
it's not alive
i am missing that feeling
i am missing your feeling
i am missing what you made me feel

I want the one i can't have and it's driving me mad.

And i lay here one more night on my grandma's couch trying to rid myself of the scent of your hair, of the texture of your porcelain skin, of the pressure of your fingers on my back, and of the sound of your voice that consume my every thought and i can't. Your face makes me smile. Your laugh and smile are contagious. Every single thing about you is perfect. I want you, i will never have you, but that doesn't stop this feeling. That doesn't stop this urge i have to hold your face in my hands and kiss you. To have our tongues waltz with one another. To run my fingers through your long red hair. I want you. My god i want you. Even if can't have you, even if i never will, i will always want you.

i want your legs to be my noose.

sometime, soon, be better than you were.

i haven't felt this shitty in a while. and knowing that you are not here but there and sad makes my insides want to turn inside out with every breath i give. i miss you. it's hard for me to explain this but i miss you terribly. all i've done is sleep since last night because i don't know how to breathe in san diego if you aren't here. and it's stupid, but this is how i feel. i've dedicated the last two years of my life to your existence and the thought that you might stay in seattle and i might never see you again makes me wanna die. what do i do? i'm supposed to leave, not you. i'm supposed to be sad, not you. clear your head and be happy, but come back. please. i miss you.

i miss you like crazy.

Band Of Horses- Detlef Schrempf

so take it as a song or a lesson to learn
and somehow soon be better than you were
if you say you’re gonna go, then be careful
and watch how you treat every living soul

my eyes can’t look at you any other way

i want to write all this shit but my mind is all jumbled up that i can't process what i am thinking. i hate this. i shouldn't feel this way anymore.

it sucks knowing how insignificant you are to one of the most important people in your life. i hate that you left but not as much as i hate that you didn't even bother to tell me.

Your i miss yous are dishonest, therefore, i am gonna tell you that i miss you too when in fact i didn't think about you once today.

The moon has your nose freckles.

Ryan Adams- Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part

because this was the only song that made sense for a really long time.


for you i’d do anything
tear myself in two
just to hear you breathe
calculate the changes that in time
turn to nothing and then multiply
yourself by pain
and you’re not even close, elizabeth
over you i will never be
i wish i knew why
it never comes to me
i’m waiting for someone who just won’t show
and every night it feels like there’s no tomorrow
not that you will ever know
where ever you are i hope you’re happy now
i’m caught in a dream and i can’t get out
i’m caught in a dream
i’m caught in an endless dream
and i’m not strong enough to let you go
and i have tried everything
but that
elizabeth

you've taken away my sanity along with my love
and you can keep the love
but please give me back my sanity

i wasn't blessed with the gift of sewing words beautifully.

bury me alive.

the room filled with your voice
the calluses from my hands disappeared into a void
deep in the cell of the crevices of my skin
my hair follicles being pushed out
making them stand on edge
like the clenching of jaws
and grinding of teeth
pulverizing them like cocaine
being dissolved like ashes
bury me alive
if you can't be mine
bury me alive
take my skin under your nails
and my hair between your fingers
leave your cigarette stains burnt in my flesh
cut the circulation off of my wrists and let them fly off like kites
but take me with you
or bury me alive

i have nothing for you.

we met at her place. it was what it was. she was no longer taken and i was single, just emotionally unavailable. we were kissing on her floral couch. there were empty bottles and cans of cheap booze scattered on the floor, dvds on the coffee table, and her cat's bed next to my feet. the air was toxic and the smoke from the cigarettes made it hard for me to see clearly. the alcohol didn't help my thinking. my hands grazed the inside of her thigh, over her black jeans. her hands taking a strong grasp on my arm. her lips on my chin, on my neck. i grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head back and kissed her hard. almost in an hateful way. she stopped me and asked what it was i wanted more than anything at that moment.
i said her.
i lied.


Death Cab For Cutie- Tiny Vessels


this is the moment that you know
that you told her that you loved her but you don't.
you touch her skin and then you think
that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

i spent two weeks in silver lake
the california sun cascading down my face
there was a girl with light brown streaks,
and she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

i wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking,
as we moved together in the dark
and all the friends that i was telling
all the playful misspellings
and every bite i gave you left a mark

tiny vessels oozed into your neck
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade
but they did, and so did i that day

all i see are dark grey clouds
in the distance moving closer with every hour
so when you ask "is something wrong?"
i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
no, we can't talk about it now."

so one last touch and then you'll go
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
but it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

anything to make you smile, it is a better side of you to admire.

i'd wear you like a knife on my thigh

i'd wear you like a gun to my head

snow white skin, ariel and rapunzel hair.

leyendote pablo neruda.

you told me once, a long long time ago, that you wanted me to read to you in spanish.

it is happening again. part III

seeing you smile is reason enough for me to be around, it really is that simple.

i like the small space a part of my life occupies on your top shelf.

your body is a canvas
my body is a cage

your candle burns too bright, well i almost forgot it was twilight.

your scent makes my lungs collapse

your eyes make my knees fail

so let gravity take my knees

and let my lungs tumble down with each shake your earthquake gives

Death Cab For Cutie- A Lack Of Color

and when i see you
i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around, turns you around

if you feel discouraged
when there's a lack of color here
please don't worry lover
it's really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything
the spectrums a to z

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
and all the girls in every girlie magazine
can't make me feel any less alone
i'm reaching for the phone

to call at 7:03 and on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home
but i know it's too late
and i should have given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years

may 6, 2012.

i was asked about someone tonight. people aren't used to me not whining or whatever about a girl so they wonder what's going on. i was asked if something had happened and i was just pissed off. no, nothing happened. nothing was done to me. it just happened. and i was able to say it without my voice shaking, without my hands sweating and heart racing. "i'm just not in love anymore." the last year and a half has been a battle with this feeling that wasn't going anywhere and being in love with someone who was also never going to love me the way i wanted her to. and this is no one's fault. it's not her fault and it's not mine, it's life. and it wasn't meant to happen. i just got caught up in my feelings when i knew damn well that this girl and i were just not "meant" to be together. i was never going to be what she wanted. i don't have what she wants, and therefore, she was never going to fall in love with me, so she never did. the only thing i can say is that this is life and we have our ups and we have our downs and she was definitely my highest high and my lowest low. i have never loved anyone the way i loved this girl and it will take one hell of a girl to change that. i'm just... free. free from feelings that have been holding me back for too long now. free from feeling like shit every day. especially when i read the things she wrote. truth is, i don't remember much before her. and if i had to sum up my last two years of life, they would be described with her name.

i'm just now finding out how it feels to not be waiting for you to post something anywhere. i forgot what it felt like to not be anxious about thinking what it was i was gonna read today, tomorrow, next week. i forgot what it felt like to not be in love with someone who didn't love me back. i don't remember much before you, i really don't. so this feeling of peace is very very unfamiliar to me. i don't know what to do with it. i have 20 drafts all about you and i can't finish them because i have finally ran out of words to say and write. although, i must say, i probably will miss you, my earthquake. thank you for the inspiration.



i'm only posting this because it's funny how seeing you again changed how i felt a month ago.

i often forget that you're not the only girl in the world, but you are the only one that matters.

you've got a look i can't describe.

your eyes are like caves
dark
and always hiding something
sneaking up behind me
making me lose my breath

life makes no sense and everything i write is irrelevant if i'm not writing about you.

i dove into you.

this is the scary part. the part when things are fucking great and you're already telling me you love me. and i want to believe you, god knows i want to, but i can't. i can't believe you because the last time someone told me they were in love with me, i died. and i'm just now getting back up from it. this is the scary part. when things are this amazing, when things seem too good to be true, they probably are and i'm scared. i'm scared because i know myself and i know that i won't run even if i think i should. i'm scared because my feelings get stronger every day, every hour, every minute, every second and i know soon i will be head over heels and i will open up completely again and i'll be vulnerable and this will have the chance, once again, to kick my ass. love is a fucking bacteria that if you don't clean around it well, it will infect you and fucking kill you. i don't want this to happen again. i want to run but something tells me not to, so i won't.

you're the only consistent part of my life. i can always count on you to let me down.

you're in my skin and my bones.

your jet black hair sends me on waves to the horizon
let me swim on your eyebrows
that arch like rainbows
where your eyes are the treasure at the end
next to flowers and "i love you"
written by the clouds
and on my notebook
these white lines shift color with time
and i don't mind any shade as long as you're by my side

i love you and you encompass everything that defines that word. the word means nothing unless i'm with you. it'll never have meaning with any one else, that i know for sure. like an "instant given". as you've always been to me. and i mean that in the sense that i have always been yours, before i even knew it. -J

because sometimes, just sometimes, life is fucking amazing.

J: don't make me be mean to you. i'll say hurtful things to make you run away from me and you'll prove me right.

like being mean to me has ever gotten a girl anywhere.

the life and death of miss badmouth.

my dearest
my right left-handed
with coals for eyes
my coarse fingers
want to hurt your velvet-like skin
they want to burn deep into your flesh
and leave acid stains like freckles
my razor sharp teeth
crave to find the nook of your neck
to rest their tips gently on your feminine coating
and taste the iron-like liquid that nourishes your heart

You can't miss me
Any type of missing me is voluntary
I'm always here
You can't miss me

i'm willingly taking the poison.
i can't blame my cigarette for how each drag tastes.

i can fix everyone's problems except mine.

let me kidnap your dreams
i'll live in your soul forever
making your arms my bed
and your heart my home

you filled my pen with ink
and my mouth with blood
my cheeks are filled with chunks of tongue
from when you killed me with your words
like machetes chopping my limbs
getting stuck on the bones
kill me first
don't torture me like this
don't take every part of my body as your own
don't claim what isn't yours anymore

set my spirit free.

i walked into her room. i wasn't sure if she wasn't ready to leave yet or wanted me to help her look for something. i walk past the hallway and step just outside her doorway. i lift my hand up to knock when i see her. my jaw drops. she's spread out in bed. her white sheets brightening up the room, tangled between her legs and covering only the bottom part of her body. she's naked and beautiful, like venus de milo, but in person and perfect. her breasts are exposed and her pink nipples erect. the only thing my brain can process is "sorry, i thought you were ready." i wobbily made for the living room in a state of panic, shock, excitement. i'm actually petrified but smiling inside as well. "a**ee" she says in a slight louder tone than usual. this is the first time i hear her say my name in a really long time. "yeah?" i answer. "come here." my heart beats like a hollow drum. i turn around and walk back the five steps to her bedroom. she's sitting on the bed now, still naked. i look at her and she stares at me which makes me nervous and i look away. "i can put my clothes back on if you want" she says while she wraps her precious body in the white sheet. "no" i say, "i don't want you to." i'm still standing by the doorway, she gets up, still wrapped in her sheet. "are you gonna do something about it?" she asks. i feel like i'm seeing a woman naked for the first time in my life. she holds onto the sheet with one hand as she walks towards me and reaches out for me with the other. she takes me by the hand to her bed. i stop her and turn her around and pull her against me. i kiss her. i grab her by the waist and push her body tighter against mine. she nibbles on my bottom like she promised years ago and then continues to bite it, gentle and then hard. i grab her face and take a good look at it. i trace the outline of her lips with my thumb, stare into her eyes (i get lost for a moment), and i kiss her hard, like this is the last time i will kiss these lips again. she let's go of the white sheet and it drops at our feet.

The Cure- Pictures Of You

i have this insane urge to talk to a certain girl. all i can do is listen to the cure. this is the only song that makes sense.



i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost believe that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are
all i can feel

remembering
you standing quiet in the rain
as i ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in
holding you close
how i always held close in your fear
remembering
you running soft through the night
you were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
and screamed at the make-believe
screamed at the sky
and you finally found all your courage
to let it all go

remembering
you fallen into my arms
crying for the death of your heart
you were stone white
so delicate
lost in the cold
you were always so lost in the dark
remembering
you how you used to be
slow drowned
you were angels
so much more than everything
hold for the last time then slip away quietly
open my eyes
but i never see anything

if only i'd thought of the right words
i could have held on to your heart
if only i'd thought of the right words
i wouldn't be breaking apart
all my pictures of you

looking so long at these pictures of you
but i never hold on to your heart
looking so long for the words to be true
but always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to never feel the breaking apart
all my pictures of you

letting go, moving on
however, my darlin', it was fucking beautiful falling at your feet

dear JL,

are you going through my blogspot?

it's too soon to write about you. but i love it when you call me baby.

heart and lungs.

i took out a cigarette from my bag, grabbed my white lighter, and lit the end of my cigarette. i put the poison in between my lips and let the smoke circulate around inside my cheeks. its smell keeping warm inside my hair. i thought of you with every drag i gave, short or long. and i thought of you with every toxic ring that came out of my mouth. taking with it a little piece of my heart, a little piece of lungs. ridding me of my soul. leaving stains on my teeth and stains on my fingers. i close my eyes to not get smoke in them, to not think of you. but the curls of my smoke shape a silhouette of your body. and even with eyes closed, i can feel it wrapping around my body, leaving its scent all over me.

blah blah blah.




this is the last post i admit is about you.

nuit blanche.

i'm letting my feelings whither
i'll let time take its course and let them vanish
i'm letting the wind blow emotions away
like wishing on dandelions
i'm digging their grave and burying them six feet under
i'm tying an anchor and tossing them in the middle of the ocean
(please stay down)
(please don't flow back up)
these feelings have been nailed to my fingers for far too long
holding on to the beds of my nails
biting the cuticles and making them bleed
i'm letting my feelings whither
like flowers that were once beautiful

i can't make smoke, only steam.

the best things i've written were doodled on your legs.

my thoughts take me downtown.

reality set in
like my empty pockets on an expensive night
how panic sets in and rushes your nerves
nerves that pour out of your pores
like a rusty pipe broken loose

i may not write like pablo neruda, but i sure as hell loved you just as much as he loved matilde.

 

20 years old. telling it like it is.

itzel: you wouldn't like me.

aidee: why's that?

itzel: because you're looking for some kind of conflict in a relationship and it's something i won't give you.

i wouldn't mind waking up to your pretty face every morning.

the body aches and the ache takes its time.

i wonder if you're scissors and i'm paper
and if the lines on my notebook are promises you made
if the reason i'm blank is because you aren't by my side
and if the tears on the edges were caused by your touch
am i the pen and are you the ink?
am i bleeding out your name?

City and Colour- Northern Wind

you're the northern wind
sending shivers down my spine
you're like falling leaves
in an autumn night

you're the lullaby
that's singing me to sleep
you are the other half
you're like the missing piece

oh my love
oh my love
oh my love
you don't know
what you do to me, to me

you are all four seasons
rolled into one
like the cold december snow
in the warm july sun
i'm the jet black sky
that's just before the rain
like the mighty current
pulling you under the waves

oh my love
oh my love
oh my love
you don't know what you do to me
To me
i'm the darkest hour
just before the dawn
and i'm slowly sinking
into the slough of despond

spring.

the flowers bloom while june glooms
i'd pick the petals off a flower
but i know my answer
and there's no point in killing one flower in the name of another

your hands are my map home.

needles drop soft and sharp, my earthquake.

"i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. not fuck, like in those movies. not even have sex. just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. but i lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. so i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was a hurricane." - John Green

you're so hard to please, which is why i think i'm still so fucking fascinated by all that you are. also, i can't get over how cute you eat and how beautiful you are.

"un dolor asi, dolor del alma, no se quita con remedios, terapia o vacaciones; un dolor asi se sufre simplemente a fondo, sin atenuantes, como debe ser." - isabel allende

turn me into phantoms.

it's a damn shame that you will never know what it feels like to be in love with you. you're missing out.

sweet krokodil.

Etta Jones- Don't Go To Strangers

build your dreams to the stars above
but when you need someone to love
don't go to strangers, darlin', come to me

pay with fire till your fingers burn
and when there's no place for you to turn
don't go to strangers, darlin', come to me

for, when you hear a call to follow your heart
you'll follow your heart i know
i've been through it all, for i'm an old hand
and i'll understand if you go

so...
make your mark for your friends to see
but when you need more than company
don't go to strangers, darlin', come to me

i can see this friendship drifting
i can see this friendship ending

i'm not difficult to love, i'm just unlovable.

i've said much, too much.

i have no right to love you
i have no right to fall on my knees and beg to god to bring you back to me
to curl up in a fetal position in a corner of my cold mattress crying out your name
i have no right to carve your precious name on my arm
i have no right for the scars of the weight you've put in my heart
someone once told me that love isn't for the weak
and here i am, frail at best
crawling on a floor that feels like shards of glass have burrowed in my knees
reaching for something that isn't there
gasping for air
agonizing over the fact that you never loved me
and you will never love me
my hands dissolve into ashes with each centimeter i crawl towards a void
an emptiness that blinds my eyes
and burns my skin
like an acid filled ocean
distributing sharp needles along my bloodstream
needles like veins sending pain to my heart
lacerating the arteries
and ridding them of oxygen
until there is just a gaping body
breathless and lifeless
i don't have a right to love you
i have no right to rip out my vocal chords as i yell into my hands
i don't want to speak if i can't say your name
i have no right to clench my fist and crush my fingers on a cement wall
for bruises to accessorize my knuckles with purple and yellow
i have no right to wear these scars
the bags under my eyes
the swelling of them
the broken glass against my skin
i have no right to love you
to have endless nights wishing you were here
to dream with your beautiful face and how lovely it would look on my pillows
for your body to be wrapped in my arms and legs
and covered in blankets
i have no right to love you
i have no right to hurt for you
i have no right to cry over you
i have no right to love you
but i do
how dare i?

she says "umm what?" with an emphasis on the t, in a soft and low voice, almost whispering and smiling.

all of my all haunts are now haunting me.

you should kill me again
for your nails to dig deep in the palms of my hands
like rusty nails being hammered in
for your mouth to devour me whole
as if you were stealing my soul
for your legs to crush my face
like being trapped between closing walls
for your eyes to burn
as if i was looking at the sun
for your words to fly out of your lips
like dancing feathers with the wind
you should kill me again
i want you to kill me again

blatant thoughts connect every freckle on your body
your mood swings with every curl of my hair

and still there was you, the center of me.

i want to see you smiling. i want to see you wearing a sun dress, with your legs and feet bare. with naked knees and grass stains. i want to greet you with flowers that you will put in a vase and then cut one off to wear in you hair. i want to hand feed you french fries. and sit in the grass with you while we listen to music and laugh until it hurts. i want to lay next to a tree, under the stars looking at the moon, for the sky to clothe us. i want to hold your hand again. and have the courage to kiss it and hold it close to my chest. i want to take you home and take off your shoes before we go to bed because you're too tired to do so yourself. i want you to pass out once in a while over the covers so i can kiss your forehead and get you a blanket so you don't get cold. i want to bring you breakfast in bed. at night, i want to hold you from behind and kiss your neck and back and smell your hair. and as the night progresses, i want you to face me so i can kiss you as you give a little sigh. i want to kiss your knees every time i see you. and rub your feet. i want to bring you flowers and ice cream. and kiss your nose when you do something cute.

to be continued...

your heart blew out petals
all with "i love you nots"

you.

You may be difficult to love for everyone else but you’ve never been difficult to love for me. It’s the only thing i think i’ve ever been good at, loving you.

i don't want to want it this bad.

i'd love to be permanently attached to your knees.

i'd be crazy not to follow where you lead.

i thought about you this morning

as the sun peaked in through my window

while the covers caped over my body

and the blankets printed their shape on my cheeks

i thought about your smile

and how it glides side to side on your face

i thought about your little feet

and how you always have them on the couch

i thought about your hair

and how it reminds me of a disney movie

i thought about your eyes

and how i get lost in them

they're hypnotizing 

like the moon at night

i looked at my hands and there's ink on them

smudged from your glorious legs

like a souvenir that i was actually there

i thought about how much i still love you

and how there's nothing i can do about it

and how fucking amazing you smell

and how it makes me want to die

you will be my demise, my darlin'

and i don't mind

paige.

the most beautiful creature that's walked this earth.

it is happening again. part II

i walked home filling my lungs with the smell of you on my blue cardigan.
i don't ever want to wash it.

you devil bird, you evil still. part VII

i have never been so turned on by anything in my life

i'd spend my life in between your legs if i had the chance

i'd starve myself so the only thing i'd have to eat was you

i'd grind the callouses off my hands to keep them nice and smooth when i run my hands up your legs

i'd love to waste my lips on you

i love how you smell

please destroy me.

your name moves mountains

your legs could hold the sea

your scent feeds like an oasis in the desert

i can't write anymore
but if i could
i'd still write about you

you're the only one i see.

i want two jars of your tears
one when you have cried out of joy
and the other when you have cried out of sadness
i want to drown in both
and drink them as holy water
as if the earth has cleansed your body to clean mine
as if the sky has ran out of rain
and i have the most sacred source of water in my possession
your angelic tears
the one thing i'd give up sex for
your eyes like embers
hold diamonds inside

you suck the words out of my body and all i have are tiny gasps of air.

april 12, 2012.

you know those words that used to taste so sweet in your tongue but left an after taste so bitter, you hardly say them out loud? that's how i feel right now. god, that felt weird.

keep you apart, deep in my heart.

the only picture of you and me.

i only want to see the light
but the sun burns my eyes

the stars are aligned, but they don't align for us.

i'm changing my identity
i'm dyeing my hair
and cutting my hair
i will tape my breasts
and stop biting my nails
i'll quit my drinking
and pick up smoking
i'm shaving my arms
but not my legs
i'm covering my scars
and keeping my heart in a safe
i'm slowly turning into a different person
a man, even
maybe that way you'd love me

City and Colour- Off By Heart


the stars are aligned, but they don't align for us
excuse me for i am the ocean, and i will starve for you
will you know how to stay brave?
such fragile moments we share
you are my everything
even with nothing to say

you. part II

sometimes, when i think about it, i can't believe at some point you actually liked me. it's been all heart ache for over a fucking year now that i can't believe there was a time when my i love yous were responded with i love yous and my i miss yous were corresponded as well. i swear, all i do is shake my head and smile when i think of you. such a strange thing this is.

i might have lead a mediocre life, but goddamn i did love.

i've never been this unhappy in my life. yes, i've been terribly sad and love is always a fucking cunt to me, but i had my family, and very strong friendships and i had a job and i was starting school. now i have nothing. the one thing i thought was unbreakable, is now...not broken, but not like it used to be. i have nothing to talk about anymore because my life is like on hold, except, it's still going. time keeps taking its course but i'm not moving. there is nothing here for me, sometimes i think there isn't anything for me anywhere and this is it, like my life is supposed to stop now.

Fionn Regan- For A Nightingale

i would walk you home
and then i sail you to the door
under white bulbs flashing
cross the ocean's roar

you're a star
you're a star

i would tell you things
that i told nobody else
put your arms inside my jacket
kiss me on the steps

you're a star
you're a star
my little heart would beat
when i saw your snow white feet
eyes of blue, deep and wide
and your hair blows in the
wind it hurts me darling

do do do do do
oh, here it comes
do do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
fills your lungs
brings you back to life

as the seasons change
and the nights grew longer still
i'd wait for you in the lane
by your house upon the hill

you're a star
you're a star
my little heart would beat
when i saw your snow white feet
eyes of blue, deep and wide
and your hair blows in the
wind it hurts me darling

do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
fills your lungs
brings you back to life

i love you and i always will love you
i love you and i always will

do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
it fills your lungs
brings you back to life

you can't feel me
my touch is evanescent
i'm like a single hair trying to tickle your arm
it's almost as if i was never there
i leave no impact
i'm the weakest after shock after an earthquake
nothing smells of me
i can't leave my fingerprints on anything
i'm foot steps on a sandy and windy desert
i'm nowhere in sight

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth.

perfection resides in your face
and here i am
looking at it
but not being able to kiss it

the ceiling
your knees
your chin against my shoulder
your foot on my lap
i've lost all my senses
you've destroyed my defenses

to you. and by you, i mean you.

yes, the universe is unfair
because you deserve nothing less than wonderful and amazing things
you deserve to have a house full of beautiful flowers
because you deserve to be sent flowers every day
you deserve golden mountains
and a tub of diamonds
you deserve for your pockets to be filled with kisses and hugs
because your face deserves to have a smile permanently attached to it
you deserve the infinite warmth of someone
and for arms to hold you forever
yes, the universe is unfair
you deserve the universe to be kind to you
because you've been through enough
you deserve the world at the palm of your hand
for the stars' purpose to be to keep you company at night
and the moon to be a silent companion for the rest of your life
you deserve to be happy
you deserve to be loved
for your heart to be intact
if i could, i would turn my insides inside out
and nourish your broken heart with them
you deserve the love of anyone you love
whoever that person may be
and you deserve to stop hurting
i'd sit in anguish watching you love someone for you to be happy
so yes, the universe in unfair
because you deserve everything you want
you deserve to be loved as much as you love
you deserve to be the happiest girl in the world
you deserve the universe to fall at your feet and grant you what you want

i slur my speech
i write like i talk
i drag my pen

i want to be the oxygen that circulates around in your lungs.

anytime will do, my love.

i want you bare legged and in a sundress
i want you next to me, on top of me, or under me
i want you straddling me
i want you clothed
and naked
i want you when you're happy
i want you when you're sad
i want you bathed
and i want you dirty
i want you single or taken
with or without children
with cats
or dogs
or neither
i want you sitting and standing
i want you in bed
i want you in the living room
i want you on the floor
in the kitchen and bathroom
i want you unemployed or with a job
with long or short hair
blonde, brunette, redhead
blue, green, purple, rainbow colored hair
i want you walking
or running
dancing
i want you playing volleyball
i want you wet
or dry
i prefer you dry
so i can make you wet
i want you
whether you want me or not
i want you whether you love me or not

you've braided my thoughts with signals i can't understand
and tightened your grip with words that bring pain

Carla Morrison- Esta Soledad

i wish you understood spanish so you could enjoy carla morrison as much as i do. i know you'd love the lyrics.



esta soledad me esta quemando las pestañas
llenandome de telarañas
y me pone a chillar
que puedo hacer?
soportar seguir sufriendo por el sueño que estoy siguiendo
yo no sabia que era tan dificil

me encuentro aqui, caminando
gracias a dios, soportando
claro que si, caminando
con lagrimas derramando

no me tomes a mal
disfruto luchar por lo que quiero
sea lo que sea yo lo tengo
me parto en tres, en dos, o en ceros

ansiedad mi pulso menta por los cielos
alguna calma es lo que deseo
buscando, pienso y pienso

when i think of you, my hand starts writing automatically.

anything you do, if it doesn't hurt, excites me.

pizza.

we had pizza twice. the first time was after not seeing her for almost six months. probably the longest six months of my life. she hated me over something i said and i understood but that didn't mean i didn't miss her and that also didn't mean i wasn't sad that she despised me. the first time i saw her after six months we went to eat pizza. she was wearing a leopard print blouse and her hair was in a braid. i had never seen her in a braid. she smelled wonderful and she looked as beautiful as i remembered her. her best friend, her, and i walked to the pizza place. we looked at the outside menu and walked inside. it was warm. we were seated in a little booth. she sat down and i wasn't sure if i should sit down next to her friend or next to her. i wanted to sit next to her... and i did. i remembered the night i met her and how we went to denny's but never went in because my best friend was throwing up all over the place. i was told later that she wanted to go to denny's and sit next to me. the thought drowns me with a wave of nostalgia. i wanted to sit next to her too. her friend sits in front of us. we order our food: pepperoni pizza, barbecue wings, and salad. and she orders ice tea for herself and i order coke for myself. our salad and wings are brought to us first and we all grab some. our pizza arrives last and we all get a slice of the still sizzling pizza that is placed next to me. she gets barbecue on her chin and i try not to look at her while it's still there because it makes me smile and it makes me want to kiss it off. when i look at her again, it's gone. i eat my pizza and cut off the crust. "you don't eat the crust?" she asks. i shake my head no. "can i have it?" i nod, and say "go ahead." and she gets it from my plate and eats it. the thought of her eating something that is mine makes my heart warm. i think it's ridiculously cute that she wants to eat my crust. i'm sure it's not that it's my crust she wants to eat but i don't care, she is. i try not to smile but i do, i don't think she notices.

the second time we eat pizza we go to another place closer to her place. my favorite pizza place in san diego. except this time, it's my best friend, her, and i. we order a pepperoni pizza and three drinks. the cashier misspells her name on our receipt. our pizza is ready and my best friend goes and brings it to our table. we all grab a slice and i make it a point to cut off my crust and leave it on my plate. "aren't you gonna eat your crust?" she asks. no, i answer. "i'm gonna eat it then." i smile at her and say okay. she reaches over, she looks a bit excited, and eats my crust.

this reminded me of you and it reminded me of me.

things i've begun to write but haven't finished. all about you.

secret vice.

there's nothing i love more than the grasp, the feel, the sounds, the smell, the touch, and the taste of a woman when she's having an orgasm. the convulsions against my mouth, the thrusting and squirming. the grabbing of hair. the grasp on the sheets. toes curling and digging on my back. heavy breathing, muffled moans, loud moans, biting of lips. deadly leg locks around my face. how her head is thrown back and how long their necks look. closed eyes, slightly parted lips. hearts beating rapidly. the smell of my hands and face. her taste. and the kiss at the end.

she looked like someone who had grown up smiling
but somewhere in the middle life happened
and now she was just terribly disappointed

i have this feeling that won't let me breathe. i feel like the night you told me you weren't in love with me and the months that followed after that. i don't know what's going on with me. i have no reason to feel this way, but i do and i hate myself for it.

you won't realize i'm gone.

come undo this knot in my throat

come unravel this sea

i need to cry you out of my system

i wish i was the moon tonight.

here's to all the pretty words we will never speak. here's to all the pretty girls i am gonna meet.

los angeles, i'm yours. perhaps now i will be able to listen to the decemberists and not cry. maybe i'm asking for too much too soon. all i know is that in may i no longer will be in this beautiful city that i have such deep hatred towards. san diego, although beautiful, you've treated me unkind and i hate you. i've been talking about leaving san diego since i was 16 and nine years later i am moving two hours north. it's a start, right? i need new streets to walk in. i need new air to breathe. i need the toxicity of it. i need new faces to see and new people to love. i am running away. i have never wanted to run away from anything this badly in my life. i need it. i need it for my sanity, for my emotional well being. i am gonna die in san diego if i don't leave. i need new people in my life. people here continue to disappoint me and i keep disappointing them. i've grown tired of everyone and everyone's grown tired of me so it's best to just pack up and go. i'm scared, but my fear isn't as big as my desire to get the fuck out of here. i want to go to a bar and meet someone new, a man or a woman, and tell them that i am not from los angeles, but from san diego. i crave that moment almost like i crave a woman's body. i can feel it, i can almost taste it. i want out. i want out of this, whatever this is.

The Decemberists- Los Angeles, I'm Yours

i am flawed if i'm not free.

i walk around immune to people's emotions
numb to their sentiments
i guess the morphine is finally paying off
the scars of my arms are fading
along with the face of certain girls
they vanish into the wind
thick with black smoke
i think i smoked you away
when i tried to drink you in

i fell in love with your breathing as you dozed off.

my biggest fault is believing that people will change.

remember the time you looked at me closely with eyes of gold?

i still feel you in my chest
extracting my soul like bone marrow
i still feel you in my knuckles
stripping me of my dignity with your hands
i still feel you under dimmed lights
disarming me with your eyes

what a horrible feeling it is to love someone who doesn't love you back.

nothing even matters.

you're part of my identity
i sometimes have the tendency
to look at you religiously
coz nothing even matters to me

- lauryn hill

i want to kiss your knees.

i'm blind and tortured.

i always think about you at the beach
as if the water is calling your name with every crashing wave
as if the sand wants to wrap you up in little grains of salt
to cure the scratches and cuts that life has given you
like if the fish jump out of the water in excitement
as if it's their way to greet their mermaid
i always imagine you at the beach
with your shoes full of sand
and your lips tasting of the salty breeze
just the moon keeping an eye on us
the sky covering us in its shadow
and the stars smiling at us
i always imagine you at the beach
and if i've never been there with you

Jeff Buckley- Mojo Pin



i'm lying in my bed
the blanket is warm
this body will never be
safe from harm
still feel your hair
black ribbons of coal
touch my skin
to keep me whole

oh, if only you'd come back to me
if you laid at my side
wouldn't need no mojo pin
to keep me satisfied

don't wanna weep for you
don't wanna know
i'm blind and tortured
the white horses flow (horse has flown)
memories fire
the rhythms fall slow
black beauty i love you so

oh, precious precious silver and gold
and pearls in oyster's flesh
drop down we two to serve and pray to love
born again from the rhythm
screaming down from heaven
ageless, ageless and i'm there in your arms

don't wanna weep for you
i don't wanna know
i'm blind and tortured
the white horses flow
the memories fire
the rhythms fall slow..
black beauty i love you so

oh the welts of your scorn, my love
give me more
send whips of opinion down my back
give me more
well it's you i've waited my life to see
it's you i've searched so hard for

don't wanna weep for you
don't wanna know
i'm blind and tortured
the white horses flow (horse has flown)
the memories fire
the rhythms fall slow
black beauty i love you so

for women who are ‘difficult’ to love.

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

-warsan shire