i've said much, too much.

i have no right to love you
i have no right to fall on my knees and beg to god to bring you back to me
to curl up in a fetal position in a corner of my cold mattress crying out your name
i have no right to carve your precious name on my arm
i have no right for the scars of the weight you've put in my heart
someone once told me that love isn't for the weak
and here i am, frail at best
crawling on a floor that feels like shards of glass have burrowed in my knees
reaching for something that isn't there
gasping for air
agonizing over the fact that you never loved me
and you will never love me
my hands dissolve into ashes with each centimeter i crawl towards a void
an emptiness that blinds my eyes
and burns my skin
like an acid filled ocean
distributing sharp needles along my bloodstream
needles like veins sending pain to my heart
lacerating the arteries
and ridding them of oxygen
until there is just a gaping body
breathless and lifeless
i don't have a right to love you
i have no right to rip out my vocal chords as i yell into my hands
i don't want to speak if i can't say your name
i have no right to clench my fist and crush my fingers on a cement wall
for bruises to accessorize my knuckles with purple and yellow
i have no right to wear these scars
the bags under my eyes
the swelling of them
the broken glass against my skin
i have no right to love you
to have endless nights wishing you were here
to dream with your beautiful face and how lovely it would look on my pillows
for your body to be wrapped in my arms and legs
and covered in blankets
i have no right to love you
i have no right to hurt for you
i have no right to cry over you
i have no right to love you
but i do
how dare i?