may 6, 2012.

i was asked about someone tonight. people aren't used to me not whining or whatever about a girl so they wonder what's going on. i was asked if something had happened and i was just pissed off. no, nothing happened. nothing was done to me. it just happened. and i was able to say it without my voice shaking, without my hands sweating and heart racing. "i'm just not in love anymore." the last year and a half has been a battle with this feeling that wasn't going anywhere and being in love with someone who was also never going to love me the way i wanted her to. and this is no one's fault. it's not her fault and it's not mine, it's life. and it wasn't meant to happen. i just got caught up in my feelings when i knew damn well that this girl and i were just not "meant" to be together. i was never going to be what she wanted. i don't have what she wants, and therefore, she was never going to fall in love with me, so she never did. the only thing i can say is that this is life and we have our ups and we have our downs and she was definitely my highest high and my lowest low. i have never loved anyone the way i loved this girl and it will take one hell of a girl to change that. i'm just... free. free from feelings that have been holding me back for too long now. free from feeling like shit every day. especially when i read the things she wrote. truth is, i don't remember much before her. and if i had to sum up my last two years of life, they would be described with her name.

i'm just now finding out how it feels to not be waiting for you to post something anywhere. i forgot what it felt like to not be anxious about thinking what it was i was gonna read today, tomorrow, next week. i forgot what it felt like to not be in love with someone who didn't love me back. i don't remember much before you, i really don't. so this feeling of peace is very very unfamiliar to me. i don't know what to do with it. i have 20 drafts all about you and i can't finish them because i have finally ran out of words to say and write. although, i must say, i probably will miss you, my earthquake. thank you for the inspiration.



i'm only posting this because it's funny how seeing you again changed how i felt a month ago.