love is not a victory march.

i feel really stupid when you feel like shit. i feel stupid because eventhough i know you're not gonna answer my messages, i still text you in hopes that maybe, possibly this time it's gonna be different. it never is. i hate when you're sad. i hate it, it's quite possibly the shittiest thing i feel these days. more than my own sadness and my own loneliness, knowing you're sad is at the top of my list. and the thing is, no matter what i say to you, no matter how badly you know that i want you, that i love you, that i hurt for you, no matter what i do or say, it will never make a difference, and that makes me feel even shittier. it's nights like this that i don't know what to do and that i want to really move on and i can't. i can live like this forever, that's the sad part. i can live the way things are right now. i can live with your subtle flirting. i can live with you letting me bite your inner thighs. with you letting me smell your armpits. i can live with you walking around wearing nothing but underwear in my presence. i can live like this. i can live with you letting me smell your most intimate parts and letting me kiss and bite your knee caps but not let me kiss you. i can live like this. i shouldn't. i hope you feel better. i really hope you do. and i hope one day you realize how much i love you. and if i ever move on, i hope you don't miss me. but i hope you do.