she smelled expensive, like chanel and cigarettes. she tasted expensive too, like that white wine i had last year that cost four of us our whole paychecks. i opened the door and she was sitting on the edge of the unmade bed. the covers were black and white and her pillows were scattered on the floor. she was wearing nothing but a white towel around her lovely body and her legs were crossed. she seemed preoccupied. her hair parted to the side. she was playing with it with one hand and chewing on her other hand's nails. i had never seen her chew on her nails before. this worried me eventhough she looked precious doing so. i ask her what's wrong and she says nothing but i know she is lying. she gets up, holds on to the towel, and goes back in the bathroom. "i have to change" she says. which i find comical since i've seen this woman naked several times. but i don't say anything and get out of the way. i hear a light whimper, almost muffled. as if she was crying and covering her mouth for me to not listen to her sobbing. i knock on the door and ask if everything is okay. my heart's about to beat out of my chest. i am on the verge of throwing up out of the nerves. a few minutes go by and i hear movement that let's me know that she isn't doing something stupid in there. i hear little things move. i can hear she dropped something. she opens the door and storms out crying. i reach out and grab her by the arm and she struggles to let herself loose. "let me go!" she screams out. so i do. she walks out fast, holding on to her towel with one hand, and wiping her tears with the other. i follow behind "what's going on?! what did i do?!" afterall, we are at her place and she's in nothing but a towel and i have no idea where she is going. she goes to the kitchen and leans against the counter. her semi naked back gently sitting on the edges of the white tiles. her pale legs crossed. her hair dry, she's chewing on it while she stares at the floor, crying. this is the most painful vision my eyes have witnessed. because she looked ridiculously sad and because i knew that whatever came out of her mouth in the next few minutes was going to be a shot at my heart. a deadly one at that. a fatal blow to my chest. might as well take a gun and point to my head and pull the trigger. i stand there and look at her before i ask the question i am terribly afraid to ask. she's painfully beautiful. i wish i could frame this moment, the moment before everything ended. a picture of this is the kind of photograph people win awards for. the kind of art that people hang up on their walls and pay boats of money for. she's exquisite. "what's going on?" i ask, on the verge of tears. she looks up at me with the saddest look on her eyes and then looks down and i know, but i need to hear it from her because i can live this lie the rest of my life, happily. i come closer, grab her chin, and lift up her delicate face, "what's going on?" i ask again. her eyes look like they're about to drown my very existence. "i'm in love with a hopeless boy" she answers. boom! i don't know what hurts most, a gun to the head or a knife to the chest, but that's what that felt like, like i was being brutally murdered. "why'd you say you were in love with me/" i ask. "because i thought i was." if you've ever been in love and been heart broken, you know how i felt. my throat was in knots, i wanted to vomit, my stomach felt like someone had thrown 300 pounds of weights on top of it. i couldn't breathe. my heart sank six miles beneath my feet. my eyes filled with salt and poured out an ocean. i stood there, in shock, eventhough i already knew. she held onto her towel, kissed my shoulder gently, and went into her room. i cried for 14 months after that.
PJ Harvey- Dear Darkness
dear darkness
dear darkness
won't you cover, cover
me again?
dear darkness
dear
i've been your friend
for many years
won't you do this for me?
dearest darkness
and cover me from the sun
and the words tightening
the words are tightening
around my throat
and, and...
around the throat of the one i love
tightening, tightening, tightening
around the throat of the one i love
tightening, tightening, tightening
dear darkness
dear darkness
now it's your time to look after us
coz we kept you clothed
we kept in business
when everyone else was having good luck
so now it's your time
time to pay
to pay me and the one i love
with the worldly goods you've stashed away
with all the things you
took from us
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