watch me fall like dominoes in pretty patterns.

climb on my fingers that run down like waterfalls
hike up your dress and i'll hike up your legs that wrap around me like a noose on my neck

you are not to blame for bittersweet distractions.

i've never wanted a woman this badly in my life. this goes beyond love and any other emotion, feeling, sentiment. i've never craved the smell of a woman's skin this way. when the thought of it sends me on some wonderland that is filled with scent and doesn't let me keep my legs still. i've never wanted someone like this. when i yearn every time i'm around her and i can't touch her. she's a deity. like i put her on a pedestal so high up that i, myself, can't reach it. the thought of her lips anywhere near mine punctures my lungs. like voodoo. like someone's playing a sick joke on me, teasing me with such impossible thoughts. i've never wanted a woman this badly. never for this long. i've never wanted someone so untouchable. i burn to see her naked. i ache to kiss her lips and see her legs as walls and not her instrument to walk with. don't get me wrong, that's one of the most precious sights i'll ever see, but i want more. i want to see her spread out in bed for me. i want her sex. i want her lust since i can't have her love. i want her hate. i want her wrath on my body. i want to wear the wounds proudly and say "yes, these are her teeth on my shoulders. yes, these are her nails buried deep in my back. yes, this is my face painted red with her palm." i want to identify her finger prints on my body like a detective looking for a murder. kill me again, i beg you. i want my mouth all over her. every centimeter of her body touched with my hands. every centimeter kissed with my lips. not missing a single freckle. i want to taste all of her with the tip of my tongue. i want her to taste herself on me. and to know that i am her property. i want to be like her own vineyard. i want her smell on my hands and her taste on my lips. i want so badly for her tongue to be more than friend's with mine. i want our tongues to go dancing together and not just talk to eachother. i want to be able to see her and not have to fight an urge to rip her clothes off with my teeth. i want this woman so badly it hurts. i've never wanted the sweet music of gasps and sighs and moans on my ear. and at times muffled with my kiss. i've never wanted to be someone's laugh. i cry because i can't have her. it's a yearning i am no longer willing to cope with. i want her body, all of her body. i've never wanted someone so perfect and so unattainable. i want you all, if not forever, at least once.

earthquakes and tornadoes.

when we kissed, i watched as my heart jumped out of my chest and onto oncoming traffic. and i realized i was back to square one. and i didn't mind. and i still don't mind.

your eyes, they turn me.

my love towards you has always been stronger than the pain that loving you causes. which is why i can't move.

you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

it's really scary how i feel about you. because it seems neverending and i want it to stop hurting eventually. i feel like someone's holding me by the neck every time i see you're sad and i can't do anything about it. i feel like i'm wearing a straight jacket. sometimes i think all of this is willingly. like the straight jacket is on, but not tied, and still i refuse to take it off.

is it ever gonna be enough?

manzanita's version of tough love.

manzanita: you're a ticking time bomb. i was going to tell you the last time we spoke on the phone because it was scary listening to you. you're about to blow up and you're not doing anything to prevent it but suppress feelings. you need to stop this cycle you are in. you are, emotionally, the unhealthiest person i know because you don't do anything about it. you let it sit there and continue its course. eventually feelings rot. they become putrid and this is what's happening. all these feelings you've suppressed are out to get you and they are going to come bite you in the ass. you're a fucking ticking time bomb. you need to put people in their place. you need to let them know when they've been unkind or unfair or fucked up or douches or assholes or cunts. you're letting it build up and i can hear it in your voice. the same way you talk passionately about things, about people, about music, it's the same way but opposite. there's a desperation in your voice and in the things you write. it's scary, aidee. it's also scary how things are affecting you these days. you're exhausted, i would be too, but i would have done something about it ages ago. i know you won't. you're gonna go crazy. write about things but deal with them too. this shit about you wanting to sleep feelings away doesn't help. you've let things go on for far too long, it's time you put an end to them. and aidee, come on with these girls. all of them. every single one of them. it's not going anywhere.


why can't things be easier. i just can't catch a fucking break.

"maybe…you'll fall in love with me all over again."
"hell," i said, "i love you enough now. what do you want to do? ruin me?"
"yes. i want to ruin you."
"good,” i said. "that's what i want too." -Ernest Hemingway ― A Farewell to Arms

pretty sure i've written something similar about you but in my poor writing.

i'm all the days that you choose to ignore.

i want to tickle the roof your mouth with my tongue
and capture your gasps inside of my cheeks
i want to steal your sighs
and cover my body with your moans
i want to live off your breath
and sleep with your words

Radiohead- House Of Cards


i don't want to be your friend
i just want to be your lover
no matter how it ends
no matter how it starts

forget about your house of cards
and i'll do mine
forget about your house of cards
and i'll do mine

fall off the table and get swept under

denial, denial

the infrastructure will collapse
from voltage spikes
put your keys in the bowl
kiss your husband goodnight

forget about your house of cards
and i'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
and i'll do mine

fall off the table and get swept under

denial, denial
denial, denial
(your ears should be burning)
denial, denial
(your ears should be burning)

i wish i smelled like you.


fuck.

is this desire?

she has this look. when she looks at you it's like everything turns pitch black and all you can see is her eyes. and you get lost in that gaze and when you snap out of it, you don't know what hit you. all you know is that the sun's rays don't compare. all you know is those eyes will light up the way. and it doesn't matter how dark it is, because as long as she's alive, you will find her and you will find your way. who needs the stars and the moon when you have these two eyes looking back at you?

her eyes shine brighter than galaxies.

there are things that i'm still so afraid of but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun.

and i sit here, bathed in tears
soaked in thoughts
drenched in happiness
it's crazy how beautiful the the gray clouds look at five in the morning
contrasting with the even darker sky
when there's no sun burning your skin
just the ache of a happiness that soon will fade

i would trade you my empire for ashes.

can i give you flowers?

i never got to give you flowers.

Neko Case- Don't Forget Me


in the wintertime keep your feet warm
but keep your clothes on and don't forget me
keep your memories
but keep your powder dry too

in the summer by the poolside
while the fireflies are all around you
i'll miss you when i'm lonely
i'll miss the alimony too

don't forget me, don't forget me
make it easy, only just for a little while
you know i think about you
let me know you think about me too

and when we're older and full of cancer
it doesn't matter now, come on get happy
coz nothing lasts forever
but i will always love you

don't forget me, please don't forget me
make it easy, only just for a little while
you know i think about you
let me know you think about me too

i've fallen behind.

did you know that knowing i did something that bothered or upset you ruins my day? especially if it's something i could have avoided. i feel like shit.

the look on your face yanks my neck on the chain.

it upsets me because you still have my heart.




you make me sad.

good morning.

i have a feeling you're doing really good today. i have a feeling you're happy. that makes me happy.

i can't believe life's so complex when i just want to sit here and watch you undress.

i want to draw the silhouette of your body with my fingers
and shade it in with my lips

i want your hands in my face
i want my hands down your pants

it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.

as i lay in bed with a woman who said she once loved me, we talk about you. we talk about you because to her, you're a mystery. because this, you and me, not us, you and me, our friendship or whatever it's called, is the most fascinating thing to her. she doesn't understand it. to her, you're a legend. she asks me why it is i've hurt for you for so long if we hardly had any physical contact. and i tell her that holding hands with you is better than than any physical contact i've had with any other woman. sex, fucking, kissing, holding hands, hugging. they don't come close to your hand holding mine. because my heart's never beat as heavy as it did that day. because i've never been happier in my life than when the palms of our hands touched. she gives me this face, similar to one that you made back in december that broke my heart because that face you made wasn't for me.

did you know that eventhough i've had girlfriends before you came along, you were the only one whose hand i cared to hold? i don't remember holding hands with anyone before you. it never happened in my memory. as we talk about it and i try not to let me feelings get the best of me, she asks if i ever told you i was in love with you before the mess happened. and then it hits me again. i did. i told you every single night that i loved you. i was full of "i love you, baby" and so were you. i wasn't like that before you came along. not even with joann. i've always been a mush but never like this. her next question is if i had ever said i love you to anyone else before you. and my answer is no. i had been in love before you came into my life, but i never told samantha or joann that i was in love with either. and once again it hits me. i think the reason it's taken me so long to get over you is because i had never opened up like this. not like this, not fully. i hadn't cut myself open completely for anyone. you cut me open and you didn't need to use a knife, you used words. the thing with those words is that they left me bleeding. her final question was if you had ever told me that you were in love with me. it was hard for me to answer because in reality we never said these things, we wrote them down to eachother, via text or via facebook or aim. but you did. you told me numerous times that you were in love with me. the reason you've hurt for so long is because you are the closest i have come to loving and being loved, even if the feelings on your part weren't there. i thought they were and for that short time, i was happy. for the first time in my life the woman i loved actually loved me back, or so i thought. i loved you. i loved you like i never thought in my wildest dreams that i was going to ever love anyone. and loving you, although painful, has been beautiful. because to add to the reasons of why it's taken me so long to get over this, is that you are an amazing person. and when i say you are pure gold, it's because you are pure fucking gold. you put diamonds to shame. and your good looks definitely didn't help me get over it sooner. you are the sun and the moon and the stars. you are the sky when it's blue and you are sunflowers smiling back at you, bathed in sun and beautiful white clouds. you are tulips as they bloom. you are three notebooks full of words. you are a girl's blog of over 500 posts. you are the cherry on top of every sundae. and a beautiful sunday morning. you are the saved texts on my cell phone. you are my aorta. you're my lungs. you are marry me, half a person, silver soul, half mast, and the suburbs. and every single decemberists song. and two band of horses' songs. you are the ***** on my left arm. you are my great expectations and hotel chevalier. you're my purple hoodie and my purple vans. you're san diego's perfect weather. you're you. and being in your presence will always be my pleasure. i guess i will never have a real reason as to why it's taken me so long to get over something you once called "i don't want to say not important". the only explanation is that it's you, whatever that means, it's you. i've said it before, you're like a renaissance woman. you have it all. beauty, intellect, and humor. it doesn't get any better than you.

i can no longer kiss her after this conversation so i came home.

Damien Rice- Cannonball


there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it's still a little hard to say what's going on

there's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
there's still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i can't say what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can´t see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon.

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
coz it's not hard to fall,
And i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

all of my being is now in pining.

she smelled expensive, like chanel and cigarettes. she tasted expensive too, like that white wine i had last year that cost four of us our whole paychecks. i opened the door and she was sitting on the edge of the unmade bed. the covers were black and white and her pillows were scattered on the floor. she was wearing nothing but a white towel around her lovely body and her legs were crossed. she seemed preoccupied. her hair parted to the side. she was playing with it with one hand and chewing on her other hand's nails. i had never seen her chew on her nails before. this worried me eventhough she looked precious doing so. i ask her what's wrong and she says nothing but i know she is lying. she gets up, holds on to the towel, and goes back in the bathroom. "i have to change" she says. which i find comical since i've seen this woman naked several times. but i don't say anything and get out of the way. i hear a light whimper, almost muffled. as if she was crying and covering her mouth for me to not listen to her sobbing. i knock on the door and ask if everything is okay. my heart's about to beat out of my chest. i am on the verge of throwing up out of the nerves. a few minutes go by and i hear movement that let's me know that she isn't doing something stupid in there. i hear little things move. i can hear she dropped something. she opens the door and storms out crying. i reach out and grab her by the arm and she struggles to let herself loose. "let me go!" she screams out. so i do. she walks out fast, holding on to her towel with one hand, and wiping her tears with the other. i follow behind "what's going on?! what did i do?!" afterall, we are at her place and she's in nothing but a towel and i have no idea where she is going. she goes to the kitchen and leans against the counter. her semi naked back gently sitting on the edges of the white tiles. her pale legs crossed. her hair dry, she's chewing on it while she stares at the floor, crying. this is the most painful vision my eyes have witnessed. because she looked ridiculously sad and because i knew that whatever came out of her mouth in the next few minutes was going to be a shot at my heart. a deadly one at that. a fatal blow to my chest. might as well take a gun and point to my head and pull the trigger. i stand there and look at her before i ask the question i am terribly afraid to ask. she's painfully beautiful. i wish i could frame this moment, the moment before everything ended. a picture of this is the kind of photograph people win awards for. the kind of art that people hang up on their walls and pay boats of money for. she's exquisite. "what's going on?" i ask, on the verge of tears. she looks up at me with the saddest look on her eyes and then looks down and i know, but i need to hear it from her because i can live this lie the rest of my life, happily. i come closer, grab her chin, and lift up her delicate face, "what's going on?" i ask again. her eyes look like they're about to drown my very existence. "i'm in love with a hopeless boy" she answers. boom! i don't know what hurts most, a gun to the head or a knife to the chest, but that's what that felt like, like i was being brutally murdered. "why'd you say you were in love with me/" i ask. "because i thought i was." if you've ever been in love and been heart broken, you know how i felt. my throat was in knots, i wanted to vomit, my stomach felt like someone had thrown 300 pounds of weights on top of it. i couldn't breathe. my heart sank six miles beneath my feet. my eyes filled with salt and poured out an ocean. i stood there, in shock, eventhough i already knew. she held onto her towel, kissed my shoulder gently, and went into her room. i cried for 14 months after that.


PJ Harvey- Dear Darkness


dear darkness
dear darkness
won't you cover, cover
me again?

dear darkness
dear
i've been your friend
for many years

won't you do this for me?
dearest darkness
and cover me from the sun

and the words tightening
the words are tightening
around my throat

and, and...

around the throat of the one i love
tightening, tightening, tightening
around the throat of the one i love
tightening, tightening, tightening

dear darkness
dear darkness
now it's your time to look after us
coz we kept you clothed
we kept in business
when everyone else was having good luck

so now it's your time
time to pay
to pay me and the one i love
with the worldly goods you've stashed away
with all the things you
took from us

this.

“i love her for what she has dared to be, for her hardness, her cruelty, her egoism, her perverseness, her demoniac destructiveness. she would crush me to ashes without hesitation. she is a personality created to the limit. i worship her courage to hurt, and i am willing to be sacrificed to it." -anais nin.

i dared to love you.

i like her. i like her very much, but shouldn't i be half in love with her already? i mean, it happened with you. did you really break me and now i'm unrepairable, incapable of falling in love with anyone again? see, i like her very much, but if i was given a chance to pick between you and her, i'd still pick you, without an ounce of hesitation. i feel like my hands are nailed to the floor and all i can do is shrug about anything related to you. i don't want to be in love with her, i don't. but i also don't want to feel like it won't happen again. you can't be the last person i fell in love with, you just can't. it's not fair. i'm always dealing with these battles in my head. it's you versus every single girl i meet and you always win. somehow, you just always win. i'm waiting for you to lose. i'm waiting for someone to take you down this pedestal i've kept you on for so long. now, don't get me wrong, i am not in love anymore, but feelings still exist and feelings will always exist. and i have to live with the fact that you will always hurt. i just hate that i can't get you out of my heart. and even more than that, i hate that i can't let anyone in. loving you was the only thing i knew how to do and i couldn't do it right.

rid of me.

"you know what? just go fuck each others brains out and worry about the repercussions later, coz it's clearly what the two of you want." - juanita

i wish it was that easy. but damn, god knows i really want to.

pop the latches.

i jumped the fence
fell, and made amends
even with just a smile
you mend my heart
and broken brains
you fix my shattered parts
and fickle bones
you make me feel like i'm on roads
to nowhere and everywhere
you eat me up with silverware
your preferred weapon is a violent snare

wanna eat you up even if it's the worst mistake.

if you were cocaine, i'd already be dead.
and you would have already been gone.

three years later.

after your coming to my house in the morning to find bite marks on my neck and leaving me with your hand print on my face. after not giving me my ximena sariñana tickets. after fighting for a week straight. it was around this time, three years ago that all that ugly shit went down. it was today, three years ago that you told me you never wanted to see me again. three years later, here we are again. what will become of us, my wonderful m love? what will become of us?

JL.

It's strange talking to you again after not speaking for over a year. I hate that we can't talk, but i suppose on some strange level, it's for the best. Today is just a day of fucking punches to the stomach and kicks to my face. I missed you, JL. It sucks your stupid fucking girlfriend won't "allow" you to talk to me.

the desperate kingdom of love.

i'll marry you
and i'll carry your books
i'll give you my shoes when yours have become too painful to walk on
and i'll stop putting ketchup on my food
i will order you ranch dressing
and listen to music i don't like
and tease you about your awesome dance moves
i'll hold you closely and tightly at night
and tangle my legs with yours
i'll give you 3/4ths of my bed
as long as you're by my side i don't need room
i'll brush the hair off your face
and when your hands are busy, i'll put your glasses up
i'll kiss your nose
i'll let my nails grow for you to paint them
i'll take care of you when you're sick
and i'll buy you an endless supply of whatever type of soup you like
i'll help you zip up your dress
and i'll take off your boots
i will look for whatever you can't find
and if i can't find it, i'll replace it
i will always smell good
and i'll do your laundry
i'll fill your house with flowers
i'll do your bed
i'll do you in your bed
i will always hug you
and write for you
and when you get a cut on your knee, i will put a band aid over it and kiss it
or a cut anywhere on your body
and keep your hands warm when we can't find your mittens
i will only use my hands to touch you with love and to write
i'll always look at you with admiration because there is no other way to see you
i will always say good morning
and kiss you good night
i'll love you forever and beyond

i'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care.

the rain makes me miss you. it makes me miss being warm in bed all cuddled up, which is funny since you and i never did such thing. i'm tired of this void that was left and having no way to fill it. and i'm tired of these girls i meet. i'm tired of having to sneak someone in and out of my house and keeping shit a secret. i'm tired of girls with girlfriends who want me, but for how long? until i fulfill their void? i'm tired of girls who pretend to want me in certain situations and then in the snap of my fingers, disappear again. i'm tired of girls who are only here for a few months and then they leave. i'm tired of being kept a secret. i'm tired of going bed to alone at night. i'm tired of not being able to call someone mine. i'm tired of not having someone to kiss good night. i'm tired of not having a hand to hold. i'm tired of being lonely. i'm tired of wanting you and only you. i'm sick of this feeling.

2012.

i have a feeling you are gonna be extremely unkind.
i'm really scared.

my rubber ducky.

the rubber ducky.

let me tell you all a few things about the rubber ducky. the rubber ducky is my younger brother, he is 15. he's one of the sweetest kids you will ever meet. he is loving and affectionate and he's just an amazing kid. my family and i have been going through some shit since late june last year and it's taking a toll on everyone but i think the it's taking a stronger effect on him. i think life is making him harder and i can't do anything about it but sit around with arms crossed waiting for the world to make him a hard ass. i don't want that. i never know when to hug. i suck at hugging. and him, he hugs you with such effortless grace. it just happens. he knows when to hug you and he knows how to make that hug make you feel okay. he towers over me at 5'10. and when i hug him, i feel safe. i feel safe with a child who is nine years younger than me. life hasn't been all that kind to us, especially in the last five years. he's becoming a man right before my eyes but i want him to stay as a baby. as that little bowl cut kid who used to bug me to sleep in my bed with me. i don't want life to harden him. i want him to be baby. i want him to be untouchable. i'd give my life for his to go unharmed. i love him. i love my rubber ducky, my supy, my roberto.

everyone should see his beauty.

it's the last goodbye, i swear.

there are only two things in my life that i am sure of, one is that i loved you. and two is how much i hate you right now.

"baby says if ever you skin as fair or eyes as deep and as black as mine, i'll know you're lying... baby says there's death in these silver curls. they'll break open jails and send you diving for pearls without a care in the world." -The Kills

i will always associate this song with you. always always.

the start of something.

"you're new and fun and exciting. and funny as hell. i haven't been so intrigued by a girl in a really long time. i can't stop thinking about you." - a girl.

it's crazy how much "fun" i can be when someone doesn't make me nervous.

once again it's happening.

i am having some conflicts with my head and my heart and my sex drive. i feel like nothing i do is right these days and i'm constantly pissing people off. i don't know which path to take. i feel like none of them take me anywhere. and it's all too old or too new. or wrong or bad. i don't know anymore. i'm torn.

oh, girls.

m love: so who's ******?
aidee: oh god! why are you asking?!
m love: i want to know who you're fucking when you're not sleeping with me.
aidee: i don't know if i like you asking me such things while you're on top of me and you interrupt our kissing. besides, you and i aren't even having sex.
m love: exactly. so would you prefer i ask you when you're on top and going down on me?


oh my. sassy responses are my favorite.

be careful for what you're wishing.

feed me my obsession
i'll be your possession

Garbage- Temptation Waits


i'll tell you something
i am a wolf but
i like to wear sheep's clothing

i am a bonfire
i am a vampire
i'm waiting for my moment

you come on like a drug (temptation waits)
i just can't get enough (here's to your fate)
i'm like an addict coming at you for a little more (don't say it's over)
and there's so much at stake (temptation waits)
i can't afford to waste (i heard you say)
i never needed anybody like this before (don't say it's over)

i'll tell you something
i am a demon
some say my biggest weakness
i have my reasons
call it my defense
be careful what you're wishing

you come on like a drug (temptation waits)
i just can't get enough (here's to your fate)
i'm like an addict coming at you for a little more (don't say it's over)
and there's so much at stake (temptation waits)
i can't afford to waste (i heard you say)
i never needed anybody like this before (don't say it's over)

you are a secret
a new possession
i like to keep you guessing

you come on like a drug (temptation waits)
i just can't get enough (here's to your fate)
i'm like an addict coming at you for a little more (don't say it's over)
and there's so much at stake (temptation waits)
i can't afford to waste (i heard you say)
i never needed anybody like this before (don't say it's over)

when i'm not sure what i'm living for
(when i'm not sure who i am)
when i'm not sure what i'm looking for
(when i'm not sure who i am)
When i'm not sure what i'm living for
(when i'm not sure who i am)

i think i might have inhaled you.

your name was dropped by three different people today. i guess people wonder what's up when they see you on facebook. i just shake my head and smile.

Stateless- Bloodstream


wake up look me in the eyes again
i need to feel your hand upon my face
words can be like knives
they can cut you open
and the silence surrounds you and haunts you

i think i might've inhaled you
i could feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
i could feel you floating in me

words can be like knives
they can cut you open
and the silence surrounds you and haunts you

i think i might've inhaled you
i could feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
i could feel you floating in me

the spaces in between
two minds and all the places they have been
the spaces in between

i tried to put my finger on it
i tried to put my finger on it

i think i might've inhaled you
i could feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
i could feel you floating in me
i think i might've inhaled you
i could feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
i could feel you floating in me

a certain disclaimer.

i will not apologize for what i write here and i refuse to censor myself for the sake of anyone. however, if you want me to take a picture of you down, and by you, i mean you, tell me and i will take it down.

slightly drunk.

i don't care about anything anymore.

loyal in your shadow.

i'd like to apologize for never being pretty enough, never being smart enough, never being funny enough, never being clever enough, never being interesting enough to make you fall in love with me. you wouldn't be in the situation you are in had i met the requirements. i'm sorry. sorry for not being good enough. sorry for failing. god knows i loved you with all i had. god knows i tried i best.

your boots were scratchy, your hat was just a hat.

i don't like the moment when you have to hold back your words and feelings towards some people. it's in part of feelings not being reciprocated and being inappropriate. and not wanting be an asshole. but i miss talking to you today.

Metric- On A Slow Night


true beautiful one
what have you gone and done
i can see all your moves are new
tell me what did that salesman do to you

that catalogue replaced
the fine mind behind your face
no human trio can compete
when that three way mirror meets your eye

on a slow night
on a slow night

how you would walk the fashion mile
hand me down and call it style
your boots were scratchy black
Your hat was just a hat
the lips on you were plain
the better to a kiss sustain

on a slow night
on a slow night

still there was you, the center of me.

i want to paint your body with the color of my skin.

Voxtrot- Berlin, Without Return...


do you spend your whole life trying to get back home?
where do you go?
keen old eyes unfold you in a kodachrome,
and feelings show.

oh what do you know, baby
what do you know?
what do you know about where i come from?
what do you know?
tell me, what do you know?
about who i am?

when i see you naked, i see more than the flesh.
do you see the same thing?
entertainment value,
no, i couldn't care less.
the feeling's high.

and you were so young, baby.
you were so young.
dragging your feet in the face of creation.
i was so young,
yeah, we were so young.
snd still there was you, the center of me.
oh, and still there was you, the center of me.

i don't know you, baby.
you don't know me.
we are just victims of the same situation.
baby's big war,
tell what you die for.
we were just born to lose this life.

could we please get married?
do this just for us.
the way we would do.
it doesn't make much sense, but maybe nothing does.
it never will.

and these gears years keep turning,
these lives keep burning,
and the love keeps changing around you.
stuck in one place
painting your face
the color of milk,
the color of sky
the colors of you
the colors don't lie.

and i don't know you, baby.
you don't know me.
we are just victims of the same situation.

baby's big war
tell what you die for.
urges grow cold, but the feeling stays.

and what do you know?
tell me, what do you know?
you don't know me
don't you question my love.

and what do you know?
tell me, what do you know?
you don't know me
don't you question my love

ridding my heart of mortal fright.

the conversations are not the same. i prefer talking to you for two minutes than talk to her for the whole day.

i think i love you, i think i'm mad.

why can't love be like when you were a kid and put your finger on the hot stove and you burned your finger so next time you knew better than to do it again? why, if i know that i'm gonna get hurt and have been hurt by you numerous times, don't i stop? why can't shit be as simple as putting my finger through flames and be smart enough not to do it the next time?

you devil bird, you evil still. part V

even if i never touch you again
even if the last time i saw you is the last time i'll ever see you
don't forget that you have forever changed one person
and don't forget that you have inspired one person to write her darkest secrets on her own skin
and has explored the depths of your pain with a pen
don't forger that you have been the most important cell in a girl's life
and that she has given her voice and her thoughts to you
don't forget that she is yours
even when you don't want her
even when you hate her
never forget the impact you had on her
never forget all that you meant

you can't and will never be replaced


St. Vincent- The Party (Live On ACL)


honey, the party it went away quickly
but oh that's the trouble with ticking and talking
i lick the ice cubes from your empty glass
hh we've stayed much too late till they're cleaning the ashtrays

do you have change or a button or cash
oh my pockets hang out like two surrender flags
oh but i’d pay anything to keep my conscience clean
i’m keeping my eyes on the exit sign steady now

how did we get here with creaks in these chairs
oh there aren't enough hands to point all the fingers
but i sit transfixed by a hole in your tee shirt
oh i’ve said much too much and they're trying to sweep up

night weighs on my chest with a terrible storm.

i can't please both of you
and i'd rather please you
but she's easier to please

Sufjan Stevens- Arnika


arnika might take out the throes that i threw in my head
bruno, your wife shakes her bedclothes as she makes up the bed

i'm tired of life; i'm tired of waiting for someone
i'm tired of prices; i'm tired of waiting for something

i have a right to know what's in store; to know what should be said
could i have it all for a night to have slept in the warmth of your bed?

i'm tired of life; i'm tired of waiting for someone
i'm tired of prices; i'm tired of waiting for something
i'm tired of life; i'm tired of life, etc.

oh be patient with me; for the night weighs on my chest with a terrible storm
though we may disagree on how things should be done on how crisis is born
don't consider it done wait until leviathan lovingly creeps in your sill
for he waits in the dark, brooding magically; mustering paperback feelings

no i'm not afraid of death or strife or injury, accidents, they are my friends…

it's you. it's all for you.

overwhelming feelings for unavailable girls are consuming me today.

and yesterday.

and the day before that.

but especially today.

we barely touched, as if being watched.

i'm horrible at keeping my promises when it comes to not talking to you. also, i was going through my pictures on facebook and your name is on so many of them. i was obsessed. i was addicted. i still am both.

we are victims of the same situation.

your eye contact is disarming and heart breaking. i can't stop thinking about it.

passionately yours and i'll never let you go.

i have just smelled the most amazing smelling arm pits. my heart started beating rapidly as soon as i hugged you good bye. i hate seeing you sad. i hate it.

black hair, brown eyes, my beautiful.

i'm dying to know what the texture of your elbows and knees feel like on my tongue.

i'll scratch your name on my arm with a fountain pen to show you how much i love you.

the shit you do when you're trying to make a feeling stop.

before

after