Bat For Lashes- Seal Jubilee

the seals, they cried in jubilee
the sharks, they howled along with me
and birds, they flew into the wind
the whale, he roamed the lonely sea

and i dived into you
i dived into you
on this ocean hue
coz i dived into you

the lighthouse dog lifted his brow
the crippled trees bent low to growl
and swans, they wrestled with lifetime's grasp
in hopefullness they nestled the past
teachers and travellers made their mark
they dined and feasted on whale and shark
and so the ocean lost its depths
and boredom rained as the ocean wept

birds they raised their young for dead
and ladies used feathery pillows for bed
and black snow came and black snow stayed
and froze the ocean out of love
out of love

i lay quiet, next to you
transformed a whole
transformed anew
no longer diving into
but lying quiet next
to you

tu. tus ojos. tu mirada.

y fue en tus ojos.
solo que me encontre dormida
desperte y me sali de alli
y hoy me quiero perder en ojos diferentes
aunque los tuyos siguen siendo los mas bellos


picture by fuckyeahaccionpoetica.tumblr.com

tomorrow means nothing.

i don't keep up with dates anymore. they just remind me of things i don't want to remember.

gather medicine for heartache so we can act a fool.

we were laying in bed. facing eachother in the dark. i could smell her cherry breath combine with my minty one. we were talking about our days. i hadn't seen her in almost 48 hours and i missed her like crazy. we kissed in the pitch black room, our lips always seem to find eachother even in the darkest hour. i thought to myself "i am gonna miss this." so i held her tightly in my arms and she did the same. i've felt this before. or it's the closest i've felt to that feeling since she went away. i breathed her in, like i breathe in every girl i've loved. which haven't been many. she's extra needy today and i am very okay with that. i like the feeling of being needed and of giving this girl what she wants from me. if she wasn't leaving soon, i would have already given her my soul. she whispers in my ear "why am i here?" and i replied "because i want you to be here with me." "but why do you want me?" and i never know how to answer except with the truth. "because i really like you. and i want to spend as much time as i can with you." i answered. "but why do you like me? what is it about me that you like?" she asks. "i like everything i see. i am trying to find something i don't like and it's either hidden somewhere, or it doesn't exist. i like your personality, your attitude." i began to touch every body part that i loved. "i love your hair, i love your eyes, your eyebrows, your eyelashes, your cheeks, your cheekbones. i love your nose" and i poke her nose "and your lips." and i kiss her. "and the freckles that surround your face." i stroke her cheek. "i love your ears. i love your neck and your shoulders. and your back." i tell her while caressing every body part i mention. "what else?" she asks. "i love your arms and your elbows and your hands. i love your little fingers. and your wrists." i keep repeating. "what else? tell me everything you like." "i love your boobs." we both give a little laugh. "and your tummy and belly button. and your ankles and your feet and small toes." i run my hand up her legs as to continue to tell her what it is i love about her. but she interrupts me and asks again "what else do you love?" "i love your butt. i love your legs. and here." i whisper in her ear as i move my hand in between her legs. "really?" she asks. "yes" i whisper again. "you're already wet." i tell her. "i've been wet since you set your eyes on me." this is the prettiest sex i've ever had in my life and calling it sex sounds cheap. i want to breathe this girl in and never exhale in my life. it's moment like these when i know this is gonna kick me in the ass. and it's moments like these when i don't give a shit about anything but being next to this girl. we sacrifice months, even years, of sadness for seconds of happiness because we don't know how long we're gonna live. i am not willing to sacrifice a moment of happiness to not be sad in the future. i am not willing to let go of something good just because it will hurt later. what if there is no later? nothing is certain in life other than death, and i am trying to make the best out of it before that life changing event, clearly, happens.

sometimes i can't believe it, i'm moving past the feeling.

she was waiting for me there. sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette. i'm sure if it wasn't illegal, a glass of wine would keep her cigarette company and her other hand busy. she was wearing a flora dress and her legs were crossed, her right leg on top of the left. her cigarette hand delicately in the air with her other arm across underneath her breasts. she was talking to an older woman. i receive a text before actually going up to her "this lady is smoking me out." her back is exposed just enough that her leopard print bra peaks out. her long hair falling off her shoulders making her face hardly visible. but she looked beautiful, her dimply face smiling as she talked to this woman. i hated to interrupt. i finally went up to her and she excused herself. she gave me a kiss on the lips in the middle of the mall and held my hand. and we wandered off.

Arcade Fire- The Suburbs (continued)

because nothing matters now but the fact that this song that made me cry like a baby, now makes me feel absolutely nothing. i can enjoy it in peace now.



if i could have it back
all the time that we wasted
i'd only waste it again
if i could have it back
you know i'd love to waste it again
waste it again and again and again

i've got to ask
sometimes i can't believe it
i'm moving past the feeling again

i'll be your savior, your secret vice.

april: ugh. i love that stupid smile you just gave me.
aidee: i love how you insult me and compliment me at the same time.
april: it's part of my charm.
aidee: i hate you.
april: no, you don't. you're half in love with me. i can see it in that same stupid smile, that's why i love it.

i am not in love with you.
but i wouldn't mind spending every single second of my life next to you.
yours are the new pair eyes that i want to gaze into.

Grand Ole Party- Roll On Down


look oh how high i stand on this dune
the sand shifting shapes
and i hope, i hope i will shift some too
yes, i hope i'll shift some soon

and look how the water dances on top the sand
out tens of hundreds of miles
and it's the dream in this heat to reach it before dark
but i fear that by then she'll be dried

but there is no falling off this mound
no matter its height you can only roll down
down, down, down,

oh look how my legs seem to move on their own
without much prompting from me
and i know, i know they'll cut out on me too
yes, i know they'll drop me real soon

look at the band of travelers you're with
would you risk your life to save theirs
it's the law of the land to get what you can
and preserve all that can't be procured

look oh how red seems to bleed into blue
as the sun sinks to his grave
and i fear, i fear i will sink to mine too
yes, i fear i'll sink to it soon

for you, forever ago.

that picture feels like a knife to my throat.

it's in my zebra album. that picture was sent to me august 18th of last year. what a stupid thing to make me feel this shitty again.

glided, dark, and golden.

i love watching you sleep.


april: heaven is a feeling i get in your arms.
aidee: are you singing me bat for lashes?
april: yes, but i mean it. i love being here with you.
aidee: me too.


shit.

Bat For Lashes- Siren Song


can i stay with you a while?
can i stop off in your bed tonight?
i could make you smile
in the morning i'll make you breakfast
in the evening i'll warm the bed
and i'll always be happy to kiss you
promise i'll never get sad

she's a sight to see, and she's good to me.

my thoughts are inconsistent as each minute passes me by
and now i can't differentiate love from hate

Elliott Smith- A Passing Feeling


everything is gone but the echo of the burst of a shell
and i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
in the city I built up and blew to hell
i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
still i send all the time
my request for relief
down the dead power line
though i'm beyond belief
in the help i require
just to exist at all
took a long time to stand
took an hour to fall
i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
still i send all the time
my request for relief
down the dead power line
though i'm beyond belief
in the help i require
just to exist at all
took a long time to stand
took an hour to fall

you took apart a picture that wasn't right.

i know you're never coming back
of this i am sure
but i am afraid that if you were to ever come back
i wouldn't be able to say no
i need to be sure that if i do see you again
i won't fall apart

don't move.

"this was a dalliance, a cheap affair. you don't want to run away with me, you just want to run away." -Rachel Menken (Mad Men)

slow down, dilettante, so i can limp beside you, and follow in your rush too.

april: it's the way you talk about girls. you're upset with them but you never insult them. i love that you loved this person so much and eventhough she did you wrong you talk about her beautifully and defend and excuse her. we get wronged and it's in our nature and instinct to harm that person back. i could tell by listening to you that it's never been your intention. doing her wrong would harm you too. you were talking with passion. you kept moving your hands and your whole body. and i heard your voice crack a few times like if you were gonna burst out in tears. it was intense watching you speak the way you were speaking, it seemed honest and comfortable. i loved it. that's the reason i ask you semi personal questions, because i love watching you speak about things that you are passionate about.

my apple. mi manzana. my spring. my autumn. my october. my april.

i want to have as much of your body on my fingers.
i want to go so deep that i can touch your soul.
that i can smell it.
that i can feel it.
that i can taste it.

paris. athens. iceland. germany. edinburgh.

i yearn for the day when i begin to write and my thoughts don't drift to your name.
to your face.
to you.

i'm collecting the love that i've been giving.

loving you was like being on death row.
so i stopped.

St. Vincent- All My Stars Aligned


i read the signs
i got all my stars aligned
my amulets, my charms
i set all my false alarms
so i'll be someone
who won't be forgotten
i've got a question
and you've got the answer

i do a dance to make the rain come
smile to keep the sky from falling down down down down
collect the love that i've been given
build a nest for us to sleep in here
you know it's real

i check my palms
the cracks in the sidewalk
my visions and my dreams
i cross all my fingers
that you'll be someone
that won't be forgotten
what was your question
i've got the answer

i do a dance to make the rain come
smile to keep the sky from falling down down down down
collect the love that i've been given
build a nest for us to sleep in here
you know it's real

there are no signs
there are no stars aligned
no amulets not a charm
to bring you back to my arms
there's just this human heart
that's built with this human flaw
what was your question
love is the answer

i do a dance to make the rain come
smile to keep the sky from falling down down down down
collect the love that i've been given
build a nest for us to sleep in here
you know it's real

wings wouldn't help you. down fills the ground, gravity's proud.

like red lipstick stains on my wine glass
you left your bite all over my neck
and scent all over my jacket
like if you wanted your handprints all over my body for yours to keep
for you only
so no one else could have their paws on me
you didn't want someone else to have me
but you didn't want me either
you didn't want my fingers tracing the lines on your hands
or my playing with your knuckles
but you dug your nails violently and deep in my back
and you left the open wounds to heal and bleed for themselves
as if you knew that that was enough to keep me here
standing
waiting
craving
yearning for you
for your voice on my ear one more time
for your eyes to meet mine once again
i wanted you to love me
so i tried to dig my nails deep in your back
but you have thicker skin

there's smoke in my eyes coz you're burning the ground.

just like that everything gets messed up again. in a way i'm now kinda glad i didn't have access to the fucking internet for two days. fuck. can i go back to my dream again?

St. Vincent- Landmines


i'm crawling through landmines
just to know where you are
there's smoke in my eyes
coz you're burning the ground

i'm crawling through landmines
just to feel where you are
under cover of night
i put a pearl in the ground

where'd you go
not so far
please don't go
not too far
where'd you go
not so far
please don't go
not too far

i found your ring with the feather on
one arm in and one arm gone
save this ring let's bring Paris right here

oh, my dear
my love
do you know, my love?
do you know?

i'm crawling through landmines
just to feel where you've been
there's gauze over my eyes
but you're leaving this trail

i'm crawling through landmines
i know cause I planted them
under cover of night
i put my heart in the ground

oh where'd you go?
not so far
please don't go
not too far
where'd you go
not so far
please don't go
not too far

i found your glove with the leather torn
five fingers that i'm counting on
smoke signals to call you right here

oh, my love
my dear
my love
my dear

it's not the perfect plan, but it's the one we got.

the past three days have been nothing but smiles and laughs and cries of joy and pleasure and no sleep and funny feelings in my stomach and perfection and beauty and just nothing but pure and fantastic and wonderful bliss. i can sit my ass down, as i am doing right now, breathe, and actually say that i am happy. i am sleep deprived and i could care less.

april spent the night on monday and it was such an amazing night. i haven't felt that close to a woman in a really long time. i don't know where this is going, if anywhere, but i am gonna enjoy the hell out of it and worry about shit later. tuesday morning i meet up with ethien see his sister who is soooooooooo pretty. some of the prettiest eyes and lips i've ever seen. but the highlight was that i saw st. vincent last night. she was perfect. she's stunning. that woman is perfect and i'd like to keep her forever. her set was amazing and her voice and her guitar skills are ridiculous. i bow to the feet annie clark and i'll eat the crumbs of food she drops. i will kiss the floor she walks on. she is my queen. i'm in love. i run into johnny who offers his home to ethien and i and we surprise omar. it was the cherry on top of my sundae seeing omar after a month of not seeing him. i love that man like no other. we talked but couldn't completely catch up because we had another visitor. but it was still really nice to see him. this is half assed and it's okay. i just need these days on record and stuff.

i'm not a photographer, obviously. or a filmmaker.

year of the tiger.

this was yours.

are you lost without your lamb?

i've only had one girl in my bed and house in my 24 years of life. and the one i had wanted here for the longest time, never happened. m love has been the only girl that's been in my house, in my bed, who has spent the night. she's seen my bathroom, my kitchen, my brothers' room, my mom's room, my living room, my backyard. she's seen my room clean and she's seen it dirty. i don't let just anyone into my house. which is one of the reasons she's been the only one. i have the house to myself tonight and april is coming over to spend it with me. i'm a little nervous. not because of sex or anything, but because she's someone different. and m love's shoes are still here. and it's just... different. i'm washing my blankets and sheets and pillowcases in case they still smell like someone else. with m love it happened so often that i don't even remember how i was feeling the first time she came over. i'm assuming it was something like this. i'm just a little nervous that she's gonna see my room and smell where i sleep. fuck. i feel like a stupid kid. nervous but excited.

my room right now.

The Kills- Wild Charms/Damned If She Do

to the doting boys by your side, riding roughshod on your starless nights. to she who played concertos, foul and black, upon my heartstrings and never looked back. what became of those wild charms? the deep fry of the tide? the tug of the stars? how it stirs me, how it stirs me now. to think my fire burnt them out.


she damned if she do
she damned if she don't
if history hangs her
her memory won't
it's been a procession
of sweethearts passing through
some of them left no trace
some of them left her black and blue

but she come alive when she dying
she come alive when she on her last legs
she come alive when she on her death bed

she damned if she will
she damned if she won't
some of them left in one piece
and some she damn near broke
now i am no stranger to the strange and all his ways
but what can be stranger than to be stuck outside your cage

april.

fuck it.
i don't care.
i don't want distractions.
i want you.
i don't want anyone else.
i want you and only you.
even if for just a few weeks.
i want you, all of you.
every single part of you.
especially your lips.

last night made me realize that it's okay that i will hurt when you leave.

last night/this morning.

and this is when as much as things are amazing right now, it's also gotten a bit complicated. girls like me these days. not just one girl but a few others. and i only have eyes for you and i only want to spend time with you. but you're leaving. you're leaving in five weeks and i will be, once again, alone. i'm hanging out with this girl because i need to be distracted from you too now. because when you leave, i'm gonna be really sad. and i am gonna miss you like crazy. i like you, i like you very very very much. but i can't do this to myself again. not this soon, at least.


april: i want some exclusivity while i'm here. i don't want you to kiss other girls.
aidee: i'm not planning to kiss anyone. we're just hanging out.
april: what if she tries to kiss you?
aidee: she's not!
april: what if she does?
aidee: i'll push her away.
april: promise?
aidee: yes.
april: ugh. stop making me like you, you're a baby.


besides, omar's forcing me to go.

The Kills- Baby Says

this is such a beautiful arrogant song. it reminds me of things that could be said to me. like i'm narrating this song about you and you are the title of the song.



BABY SAYS she's dying to meet you
take you off and make your blood hum
and tremble like the fairground lights

BABY SAYS if ever you see skin as fair
or eyes as deep and as black as mine
i'll know you're lying

BABY SAYS a howl of romance i'll get
from all you sleeping dogs
you thugs of God, i'll get one yet

BABY SAYS for all i've forsaken
make something of all the noise

and the mess you're making
and all the time it's taken

BABY SAYS there's DEATH in these silver curls
they'll break open jails
and send you diving for pearls
without a care in the world

BABY SAYS she's dying to meet you
take you off and make your blood hum
and tremble like the pinball lights

you crawled out of the sea and straight into my arms.

like a mermaid in disguise
you hid underneath this human skin
and concealed your scales behind your lies
eating people's hearts
and swallowing their souls
until there was nothing but skin and bones
left for the vultures to dine on
eventually turning into fossils
buried beneath dirt for someone else to find
while you feast on another human soul
on another human heart
on another human's feelings
on their pain
on their joy
on their love towards you
all while beautifully swimming in the sea
full of our tears
stay where you are, my dear
keep your secrets at the bottom of the ocean
and covered underneath your red hair
and don't reveal your sins, my darlin'
you'll keep us here all night

we'll collect those lonely parts and set them down.

you're that pain in my stomach from laughing so hard
you've turned me into an insomniac

Interpol- The New


i can't pretend i don't need to defend some part of me from you.

you're the only story that i never told. you're my dirty little secret, wanna keep you so.

aidee: look, it's you!
april: where?!
aidee: in the window!

illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy signs.

for the first time in a really long time i feel like i can breathe and i will be able to breathe for longer. like whatever was pressing on my stomach has really been lifted and i've been able to stand up and walk away. i can smile just because i'm fucking alive. because i can inhale and exhale as i please. and because eventhough i've had my share of not so pleasant experiences with love, i've felt it. i won't love you for the rest of my life, i know that now. we can't rely on on people to make us happy, so i won't anymore. in the end, you end up more unhappy than you were to begin with.the last straw was (i hope) the last straw. it was fun (not really) falling apart and crying and wanting to die and cutting and doing other kinds of shit to my body for a while. i've had my share of headaches and my share of sleepless nights. i've said it before and i'll say it again, there's always gonna be that earthquake whose name will always make my heart skip a little. but that earthquake's damage is pretty much done. what was said, was said. and what was done, was done. i can take it. i'm done. i feel fine. i haven't been this okay in a long long time. and with a little more effort and a little more time i will be fantastic. i know that i can't be happy all the time and there will be time when i miss something or i've had a bad day and it's okay to feel that way. i just refuse to fall apart every time someone breaks my heart or something is said and done by certain people. i can breathe now. and there's nothing anyone can do or say to stop my breathing. my smiles are genuine now, they aren't fake. i missed this.


a pretty tanager.

are you my trouble?

everything happened just like a burning cigarette in between your index and middle finger
the ashes became memories
and those quickly blew into the wind
and left without warning

you're the filter
you're my poison
you're the toxicity that contaminates my lungs
and makes my throat sore

i wish i was the nicotine buried under your fingernails
and the rings of smoke that kiss your lips
let me be your cigarette
you can place your lips on me
and stain my neck and life with your gloss

11:11

august 4th, 2011.

happy birthday.

six twenty-six.

626 is joann's area code number
june [6] 26th is the day i met paige
that same date is omar's love interest's birthday
which is also marcy's birthday who is someone i was very into in high school
i always turn to a clock when it's 6:26.

beneath my shirt your hands embraced me.

april: i was put in your life to make you let go completely because by what i know, it's been too long. we aren't meant to fall in love. i'm a distraction and i'm perfectly fine with that. i'm simply here to give you hope.


i really like how straightforward you are. how there is absolutely no taboo subject. i like that you listen and you ask questions. i like your genuine interest in me. you aren't a distraction.

Sufjan Stevens- The Owl and the Tanager

this is my favorite song right now. i can't wait to get my tattoo of this.




all i had hoped for
i kept inside your car
the rabbit in the barn
most of all i wait
i wait beside the door; i wait beside the door

all i was wrong trembling in the cage
i was diamonds in the cage
in seven hours i consider death
and your father called to yell at me
you little boy, you little boy

found out you cheated me
i ran behind the barn and cut my hands somehow
blood in the meadowlark
i punched your ears instead
i punched you in the head
you only laughed and laughed and laughed

how i was wrong tingling from the kill
tickle me until
you devil bird, you evil still
slept on my arms, i was sleeping in the sill
i was sleeping in the room with you
you little boy, you little boy

how could you run from me now?
the loneliest chime in the house
the loneliest chime in the house
you let it out you let it out
come to me Calvary still
i’m weeding and raking until
i’m bleeding in spite of my love for you
it bruised and bruised my will

counting alluvial plains
the breathing inside of the range
you touched me inside of my cage
beneath my shirt your hands embraced me
come to me feathered and frayed
for i am the ugliest prey,
for i am the ugliest prey
the owl, the reckless reckless praise.

you said you’d wait for me
down by Tannery Creek
far out by the roadside where we used to kiss behind the sheets
wrapped in a blanket of red
the Owl and the Tanager said
the Owl and the Tanager said
one waits until the hour is death

it's been a long time since i've memorized your face.

your face is fading from my memory. yes, there are pictures on the internet and pictures on my phone and on my computer. and even a picture of you inside a wallet i no longer use. but your face in my eyes is fading. and it scares the shit out of me sometimes because i've kept you here, inside my head and inside my heart, for so long. because eventhough i only got to kiss you once, i had your taste on my mouth the following morning. i found a dollar a day or two after that happened and i haven't spent it. it's my "lucky dollar". and the two times i saw you after that i always meant for you to write on it, i just never knew how to ask you to. i somehow relate that dollar to you, just like most things in my life. because i do see you everywhere and i do look for you everywhere, even in the women i date. i see you, i hear you, and i smell you everywhere. you set my bar and you set it high and i hated that. it set unreachable standards, therefore i was never satisfied, until now. i'll say it now like i said it to you once, i saw you as perfect. so how can i top perfection? or even reach it again? i can't. i will never find and love another you because there is no other you. but your face is fading. it's fading from my dreams and it's fading from my reality. i don't think you and i will cross paths again. and as each day passes i am more certain of this. so your face will eventually disappear completely from my eyes because you will never be in my presence again. i won't know what you look like in person anymore. and that makes me a little sad. i'll probably stop writing as often here too. i've pretty much ran out of words. i will say this though: your pictures were up on my wall for a really long time. and your name was carved on my arm almost a year ago. if i knew how to make this private i would post a picture. and for a while i would write your name down everywhere. on paper, on foggy mirrors and windows, on really cold bottles of wine, on my arm, wherever there was dust, on ashes, everywhere i could. and i will say it for the last time anywhere: I FUCKING LOVED YOU. WITH EVERYTHING I HAD, WHICH WASN'T ENOUGH, BUT I LOVED YOU. WITH MY HEART AND MY SOUL AND MY BODY. WITH EVERY KNOT THAT EVER BUILT IN MY THROAT AND EVERY SINGLE TEAR THAT I CRIED. WITH EVERY LAUGH AND MEMORY I HAVE. I WILL PROBABLY NEVER CRY THE WAY I CRIED OVER YOU. AND I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER LOVE ANYONE THE WAY I LOVED YOU. SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN THINK WANT TO. ANYONE IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU AND I HOPE TO GOD THEY APPRECIATE ALL THAT IS YOU AND THEY EMBRACE EVERY SINGLE FLAW. AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE BEAUTIFUL WORDS IN THE WORLD IN EVERY LANGUAGE. AND THAT YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE UNIVERSE. SO WHOEVER IS BY YOUR SIDE SHOULD KNOW THAT THEY HAVE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM AND THEY HAVE THE UNIVERSE IN THEIR ARMS. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE AND I WILL ALWAYS CARE. I'M SORRY I WASN'T ENOUGH BUT NEVER SORRY I MET YOU AND NEVER SORRY I FELL FOR YOU THE WAY I DID. AND JUST REMEMBER THAT THERE IS AT LEAST ONE PERSON OUT THERE WHO WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, NOT EVERYONE CAN SAY THAT.

i guess this is kind of a goodbye. i'm glad you're happy and i'm glad i'm happy too.

YOUR EYES ARE A LABYRINTH AND I'LL WALK IT BLINDFOLDED.

i'd swim across lake Michigan
i'd sell my shoes
i'd give my body to be back again
in the rest of the room
to be alone with you

stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost.

april: i'm gonna make you forget her. and when i leave, you will only miss me.


shit. it hasn't been easy.

i know your best was still your worst.

this is exactly how i feel about you. i should stop writing about you now because this describes perfectly what i can't properly express with my own words.



obviously this picture isn't mine.

everything i want is in your eyes.

even the hate you hide in between your breath
and the fears in your sighs
even the lies behind your laughter
and the pleasure in your gasps

a summer storm graces all of me.

i was in fashion valley today and i had to go to a certain department store, to a very specific area. the one without air conditioning, or one of them. i was afraid of running into someone who i'm pretty sure doesn't want to see me again. same person who i don't know if i want to see right now in fear that all those fucking emotions that seem gone just might be suppressed and with a glance of her hair might resurface and decide to drown my existence in lingering feelings that i keep swallowing with saliva like downing sleeping pills without water. so i never went in, i didn't want to ruin anyone's day.

Jon Brion- Ruin My Day


i know it's today so i guess you could say one recovers
thought you should call me but then after all we were lovers
i don't wait by the phone like i used to
i don't hope for kind words you might say
you don't prey on my mind like you used to
but you can still ruin my day
you can still ruin my day

you're telling me now you regret how we never connected
oh as if you forget that it's me you regret you rejected
i don't easily forgive like i used to
and i seldom get carried away
no you don't have the pull that you used to
but you can still ruin my day
oh you can still ruin my day

love, it was nothing
it hardly hurt a bit

sounds good to me but unfortunately i remember it
now i don't lose my place like i used to
i'm not moved by your artful display
no you can't draw me in like you used to
but you can still ruin my day
you can still ruin my day
you can still ruin my day

you can still ruin my day
i said you can still ruin my day

the owl and the tanager.

you're humming tomorrow's nursery rhyme.

we were supposed to meet up at seven but she decided she wanted to meet up earlier. we met up at an ugly little bar five minutes from my house that has the most amazing juke box. we played nothing but the kills, arcade fire, the smiths, depeche mode, and the shins. this girl's music taste is amazing and i think that's one of the reasons i drool at the thought of her. she wore a dress again. it was really cold so i gave her my beanie and we decided to go back to her friend's house which is where she is staying for the next few weeks. we sat and listened to music and drank wine and smoked cigarettes. she drank and smoked more than i did. she likes to play with my hands and has a fascination with my tunnels, like she's never seen any before, but she has. we kiss on the couch for hours. she likes to tease me about being a baby just because she's 27. she has a really cute drunk face, the kind that you wanna tease her about because it's so damn cute. we talk a bit in between kisses. i have no idea what these girls see in me. especially girls that look like her. we go up to the bedroom and she takes me by the hand as we walk upstairs. i'm pretty sure by heart was beating so hard that she could hear it. she's saying something but i can hardly hear her. i want nothing but to be in bed next to her just kissing and playing music on the background telling the story of this short termed romance. i like her arms eventhough they remind me of someone else's arms, not that it bothers me. i grab her face and squeeze it around her lips and pull on her lips with my fingers. she does the same but not as rough. we spend the whole night kissing and listening to my ipod.
the next seven weeks are going to be amazing. i can't wait to know her better and to kiss her more and i will cry when she leaves but it will all be worth it. in a way i'm glad i'm not completely over someone, just because if i were, i'd be completely head over heels and it would make the whole situation shittier. i am, however, glad that i know she will make me get over this completely. and when she leaves, i will be thinking of her only and not past situations.

welcome, autumn.

april: i hadn't kissed a 24 year old in a really long time. i like this.




i can see a lot of life in you
i can see a lot of bright in you
and i think the dress looks nice on you
i can see a lot of life in you

i can see a bed and make it too
i can see a fireside turn blue
and i can see the lot of life in you
yes, i can see a lot of life in you

when the world looks back
when the face looks after that
i can see a lot of life in you
yes, i can see a lot of life in you

i can see a lot of life in you
i can see your bed and make it too
and i think the dress looks nice on you
yes, i can see a lot of life in you
i can see a lot of life in you
yes, i can see a lot of life in you

you devil bird, you evil still.

you know those fears you keep at the bottom of your stomach?
those insecurities tucked underneath your shirt?
those nightmares in the back of your head?
the horrid ghosts in your closet?
those things you don't want anyone to see
the things you refuse to show anyone
people have come and go and never seen even a glimpse of them
well, those come out at the glance of you
just a simple glance
like a light bulb
except there is no on and off switch
you have the power to bring out the best and worst out in people
because when you're there, life is amazing
and when you're gone, life is wretched
your memory becomes fickle
and we can't remember anything before you
and feelings intensify
and people cry
and people want to die
but they also want to live
because you've given them a reason for life
you are a deity
but you can also be jezebel
and to some of us, they're both the same
and either one is divine




he came riding fast like a phoenix out of fire flames
he came dressed in black with a cross bearing my name
he came bathed in light and the splendor and glory
i can't believe what the lord has finally sent me

he said dance for me, fanciulla gentile
he said laugh awhile, i can make your heart feel
he said fly with me, touch the face of the true God
and then cry with joy at the depth of my love

coz i've prayed days, i've prayed nights
for the lord just to send me home some sign
i've looked long, i've looked far
to bring peace to my black and empty heart

my love will stay til the river bed run dry
and my love lasts long as the sunshine blue sky
i love him longer as each damn day goes
the man is gone and heaven only knows

coz i've cried days, i've cried nights
for the lord just to send me home some sign
is he near? is he far?
bring peace to my black and empty heart
so long day, so long night
oh lord, be near me tonight
is he near? is he far?
bring peace to my black and empty heart

dear life,

why why why why why why why why?!
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

i ask that you give me the power to resist the urge to go on people's shit. i also ask that you make my earthquake stop. i know it's not on purpose but my god! make it stop! that picture will most likely kill me. she looks absolutely and amazingly and incredibly exquisite. i don't know if there is a more precise way to describe it but by using the word exquisite. ravishing, stunning. you're fucking alluring. no wonder it's taken me so long to get over you. get out of this head and heart, damnit! fucking earthquakes shaking up my shit.

i've never learned my lesson, i'm still a dedicated fool.

i was sitting down on the concrete outside of a bar, having a drink, and smoking a cigarette with my friend. i don't smoke much anymore but i decided to buy cigarettes this particular day and i am glad i did. my friend and i were having a conversation about giving and about life in general. part of our conversation was about why it always takes me so long to get over people and the reason for this. our conversation was interrupted when a girl comes up and asks me for a cigarette, she claimed to be eavesdropping. i don't know if she knew the cigarettes were mine and that's we she decided to not make any contact with my friend but with me only. her eyes were brown and deep. and she had such a pretty face and such soft hands and really nice full lips. her name is april and it reminds me of spring and green grass and the cool breeze in the morning. she also reminds me of my birthday. of course she's only here for less than two months and she's going back to vermont the monday before thanksgiving. her hair is dark and her skin is pale, yes, i know. and she's a leo, of course. i should have ran away the minute she said she was a leo. but how could i? i thought to myself, what kind of damage can she do in two months? and then i thought about last year and i still didn't run away. never even thought about it. and the reason is that SHE IS leaving soon and she doesn't want anything serious here because she will be gone. but she's beautiful and i couldn't keep my eyes off her. and in a way i'm really glad she's leaving and in another way i'm not. she asked if she could sit down and she sat down next to me, close enough that i could smell her but not close enough that we were touching. she smelled good. she listened and gave her opinion on life. my friend decided to talk about my situation from last year and i wanted to kick her leg so she'd stop. i didn't know this girl but i knew i DID NOT want to talk about this anymore, especially slightly drunk, and especially not in front of her. she didn't need to know i was obsessive and clingy and that it takes me years to get over something that was only half there to begin with. but my friend didn't stop. i was slightly embarrassed and i'm sure i blushed but since i was slightly drunk, my face was already a bit red so i'm sure no one noticed. or so i'd like to think. my friend excuses herself and goes with the rest of her friends and i'm here, alone, with this girl who makes my palms sweaty every time she laughs and i can't help but smile like a fool everytime she plays with her hair. because she does, a lot. she spoke softly but her eyes lit up every time i mentioned anything kristen gundred related. she had gone to the dum dum girls show that night and came straight to the bar from the casbah. i was glad we were sitting down because she was wearing a dress and her legs would have kept me distracted. we talked and talked and drank and smoked and laughed and laughed some more. she kept fingering my tunnels and putting her dress down the whole night. it was about four in the morning and the bar was closing so we had to leave. she wrote her number down on my hand eventhough i took out my cellphone to save it there. we gave eachother a hug and when we let go she kissed my lips. it was really soft and pretty. and i stood there like an idiot while she looked at me and she leaned in to kiss me again. and we kissed. our lips pressed against eachother softly. it's been one of the prettiest kisses i've ever had. my friend and i headed back to her car. i saw her last night and i can't wait to see her again.


C.S.: be thankful she doesn't talk to you anymore.
aidee: i am.

there's no need for depression and no, i don't have the blues.

i've had this feeling before. that feeling of sadness taking over me, but it's not my sentiment but yours. that feeling when i think something is going on and you're sad. i hate this feeling even more than when i feel like shit over you. i hate it. good night.

pull me in tighter.

i'd rather drown in my own agony than feel the touch of another
i'm hurting to the point where the pain reeks out my pores
and radiates my heart
you've peeled at it like the petals of a flower
like a burning sensation beneath my skin