she kept her hand on top of mine. i sat there thinking, trying to convince myself that it was accidental and she didn't know that her hand was on top of mine...or vice versa. i don't know what my mind makes up anymore. i looked at her giving her a look asking what she was doing and what was going on. the minute my eyes met hers she squeezed my hand. i couldn't not hold it. the tips of her fingers were in between the crevices of my knuckles and i tightened my hand. her skin white as clouds on a beautiful california day, while mine like that of a gloomy seattle afternoon. it was quite the color contrast. still, i thought they looked beautiful together. she traced the lines from my veins with her thumb. i was so excited and so happy, i could have broken in tears at that moment. i almost did. i moved our hands from the bed to her leg, shakingly and nervously. i had never wanted someone so badly in my life. i craved her skin like a hyena craves a zebra's meat. i yearned for her. everything about this woman was painfully beautiful. it was hard to breathe around her, hard to function. she was what marijuana did to me, which was take me away from reality, to a dreamlike state and made me forget to breathe. i was afraid my hand was gonna start to sweat and she was gonna get weirded out but there was no way I would be the one to let go of her hand. i wanted to kiss her. it had been a while since we last kissed and i wanted to have her lips somewhere on my body. a kiss on the cheek would have sufficed. we hadn't uttered a word, just a few glanced thrown at eachother. i leaned in to kiss her cheek but got her lips. i didn't know what was going on. the day was surreal. she was in MY bedroom. HER. the girl i had cried over for nearly a year. the girl whose name i had carved on my body as a reminder that she actually did exist. the girl i loved. i was sure i was just a little game to her. a little toy, but i didn't care. she was in my room. her hand was holding mine and her lips locked with mine. we kissed. it was subtle and short. but i wanted more. i always thought i couldn't be in relationship if she was around because i would not be able to say no if she had ever wanted something. i leaned in to kiss her again and she refused. "i'm sorry" i said. "i thought..." "you thought what?" she asked. "i don't know, i thought i could." she let go of my hand and stood up. i was sure she was going to storm off but she didn't, she sat back down. "you can kiss me." the look on my face must have been ridiculous because i had no idea of what was going on. "you're not gonna kiss me? kiss me." i obliged. i kissed her. she was the type of girl i couldn't just "make out" with. i couldn't go and shove my tongue down her throat just like that. she was too precious for that. that's like the equivalent to fucking in kissing terms, at least when it came to her. to me she was delicate, fragile even. i wanted to take care of her. i kissed her slowly. i loved her lips. she tasted like jack and coke and she tasted deliciously. we began to pick up the pace, our tongues were waltzing with eachother and our breathing became to intensify. she pulled back and we stared into eachother's eyes for a moment. her lip gloss was no longer on her lips but on mine. it was watermelon flavored. i grabbed her face and ran my thumb around her lips, she kissed it. we go back to it and she puts my hand that she was holding around her waist and throws her arms around my neck. i was so happy that if at that moment i could have died, i would have done so gladly.
"do you love me?" she asked.
"no" i said.
"liar." she kissed me again. "do you love me?"
"no." and i leaned in to kiss her but she moved. "what's going on?"
"i'm asking you if you love me."
"and i said no."
"i don't believe you. you can't act the way you act around me if you don't love me. unless you hate me. do you?"
"do i what?"
"hate me."
"no, absolutely not."
"how can you not hate me?"
"i just don't. i couldn't even if i tried. and i've tried. multiple times."
"why do you want to hate me?"
i was about to say what was on my mind, which was "because i love you" but this was a trick question. she had asked something similar before.
"i just don't hate you."
"you're lying about either, which one is it? i can stay here all night until i get my answer."
and i thought to myself that i should lie to her so she spends the night with me, but i also know her and i know she will eventually get tired and get mad and leave.
"why can't you just let me kiss you and drop this? please."
"okay." so we kiss once again, passionately and intensly, the deepest kiss we've shared so far. i am so in love with this girl. when she stops again i swear i felt my soul go into hers. i was hers. unwillingly, but hers.
"do you love me?"
i couldn't lie anymore "yes."
she smiles mischievously. i didn't know what was going on. along with being the most beautiful girl ever, she was also the biggest mind fuck in the world. she stands up and walks away. i didn't even have time to collect myself. she was just gone. to be honest, i don't even know if she really was there.
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