resignation.

i've resigned to this feeling. i've resigned to pain. i've resigned to the fact that you will always hurt. that i will always hurt for you. maybe not always, but for a really long time. i know this is it. i know we will not speak again because i was only around to somehow feed your ego and now someone new has taken my "place". i am disposable to you, clearly. i'm good at giving attention and i'm even better at pouring my heart out to you. i've resigned to this feeling, i will always feel like this. you will always hurt even if it's not intentional, you will always hurt. it's okay. i have given in to it.

you're honey dipped, darlin'.

when i was with her everything was elevated. my feelings, emotions. i was more sensitive, i was also happy. and i know they say "happiness is a way of life, not a destination". but i didn't care. she was MY way of life. my life revolved around her. everything and anything she did, said, write had an effect on me. i was consumed and i was enjoying every second of it.









note: i wrote this on my phone and was sending it to my email address in a message and when it got sent, her picture appeared as the contact picture. i freaked out thinking i had sent it to her. i guess my phone knew who it was about. haha i don't know. it was really weird.

don't i know you better than the rest?

she kept her hand on top of mine. i sat there thinking, trying to convince myself that it was accidental and she didn't know that her hand was on top of mine...or vice versa. i don't know what my mind makes up anymore. i looked at her giving her a look asking what she was doing and what was going on. the minute my eyes met hers she squeezed my hand. i couldn't not hold it. the tips of her fingers were in between the crevices of my knuckles and i tightened my hand. her skin white as clouds on a beautiful california day, while mine like that of a gloomy seattle afternoon. it was quite the color contrast. still, i thought they looked beautiful together. she traced the lines from my veins with her thumb. i was so excited and so happy, i could have broken in tears at that moment. i almost did. i moved our hands from the bed to her leg, shakingly and nervously. i had never wanted someone so badly in my life. i craved her skin like a hyena craves a zebra's meat. i yearned for her. everything about this woman was painfully beautiful. it was hard to breathe around her, hard to function. she was what marijuana did to me, which was take me away from reality, to a dreamlike state and made me forget to breathe. i was afraid my hand was gonna start to sweat and she was gonna get weirded out but there was no way I would be the one to let go of her hand. i wanted to kiss her. it had been a while since we last kissed and i wanted to have her lips somewhere on my body. a kiss on the cheek would have sufficed. we hadn't uttered a word, just a few glanced thrown at eachother. i leaned in to kiss her cheek but got her lips. i didn't know what was going on. the day was surreal. she was in MY bedroom. HER. the girl i had cried over for nearly a year. the girl whose name i had carved on my body as a reminder that she actually did exist. the girl i loved. i was sure i was just a little game to her. a little toy, but i didn't care. she was in my room. her hand was holding mine and her lips locked with mine. we kissed. it was subtle and short. but i wanted more. i always thought i couldn't be in relationship if she was around because i would not be able to say no if she had ever wanted something. i leaned in to kiss her again and she refused. "i'm sorry" i said. "i thought..." "you thought what?" she asked. "i don't know, i thought i could." she let go of my hand and stood up. i was sure she was going to storm off but she didn't, she sat back down. "you can kiss me." the look on my face must have been ridiculous because i had no idea of what was going on. "you're not gonna kiss me? kiss me." i obliged. i kissed her. she was the type of girl i couldn't just "make out" with. i couldn't go and shove my tongue down her throat just like that. she was too precious for that. that's like the equivalent to fucking in kissing terms, at least when it came to her. to me she was delicate, fragile even. i wanted to take care of her. i kissed her slowly. i loved her lips. she tasted like jack and coke and she tasted deliciously. we began to pick up the pace, our tongues were waltzing with eachother and our breathing became to intensify. she pulled back and we stared into eachother's eyes for a moment. her lip gloss was no longer on her lips but on mine. it was watermelon flavored. i grabbed her face and ran my thumb around her lips, she kissed it. we go back to it and she puts my hand that she was holding around her waist and throws her arms around my neck. i was so happy that if at that moment i could have died, i would have done so gladly.

"do you love me?" she asked.
"no" i said.
"liar." she kissed me again. "do you love me?"
"no." and i leaned in to kiss her but she moved. "what's going on?"
"i'm asking you if you love me."
"and i said no."
"i don't believe you. you can't act the way you act around me if you don't love me. unless you hate me. do you?"
"do i what?"
"hate me."
"no, absolutely not."
"how can you not hate me?"
"i just don't. i couldn't even if i tried. and i've tried. multiple times."
"why do you want to hate me?"
i was about to say what was on my mind, which was "because i love you" but this was a trick question. she had asked something similar before.
"i just don't hate you."
"you're lying about either, which one is it? i can stay here all night until i get my answer."
and i thought to myself that i should lie to her so she spends the night with me, but i also know her and i know she will eventually get tired and get mad and leave.
"why can't you just let me kiss you and drop this? please."
"okay." so we kiss once again, passionately and intensly, the deepest kiss we've shared so far. i am so in love with this girl. when she stops again i swear i felt my soul go into hers. i was hers. unwillingly, but hers.
"do you love me?"
i couldn't lie anymore "yes."
she smiles mischievously. i didn't know what was going on. along with being the most beautiful girl ever, she was also the biggest mind fuck in the world. she stands up and walks away. i didn't even have time to collect myself. she was just gone. to be honest, i don't even know if she really was there.

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i know.

i have no idea why you have been on my mind so much lately. you're consuming me again and i don't understand. i feel kinda shitty today but i really have no reason to feel this way. i wonder how you are. how you've been. i know nothing these days and it kinda keeps me sane but it also drives me crazy. i'd like to know how you are so that if you're not doing okay, i could do something like offer you food. which i know doesn't mean anything but at least you won't be hungry. i always think that when i'm feeling shitty for no reason it's coz you're feeling shitty and i can feel your sadness. i do hope i'm wrong though. and i hope that today it's just me feeling like shit for no reason because sometimes that happens. i miss you. it's always you.

fotos.

i used to have pictures on my ipod. yeah, pictures. pictures someone sent me to my phone and one that that same person sent me over a conversation. my ipod doesn't hold enough memory to hold all my music so it doesn't hold all the pictures i want either. i deleted about 200 songs from my phone to make room for these pictures and it was always a constant thing. i always had to delete a few songs to make room for them. i stopped making room for them. they had been there for nine months and every time i would look at them it would be bittersweet. one of them especially kills me every time. EVERYTIME. i love those pictures but there came a point when i needed to stop. the only thing those pictures do is make me sad at the end. i remember when every single one of them was sent. what was said and all so it takes me back and i'm tired of feeling sad. so tired.

charles bukowski.

i haven't finished reading "women" by bukowski. i began reading it last year in january after i had finished fight club. and it took me about three days to get to about three fourths of the book. i stopped reading when my cousin passed away in february of last year. i don't know why though. i wanna finish it because it's a damn good book. i saw this quote from him just a few minutes ago, "she's mad, but she's magic." how beautiful.

solo por que es uno de esos dias.

atmosphere- sunshine

a: so many people want p**** lovin'
p: well very few have gotten it
a: well i wanna be one of the few and stuff
p: you already have my love

"aidee, they don't have armpit porn."

sunday, august 15, 2010
8:57 pm.
a: i love you even if you are out of your mind.

for my love i would ignore.

i was sitting on my bed. attempting to write on that little, old, green notebook. i was listening to fiona apple. i have a weak spot for "i know". i was tapping my pen on the pages while chewing on my nails. thinking of her. taking long breaks because i couldn't think of anything to write. it seems as if all i had to write about her had already been written so there was nothing else to say. i've never been much of a writer. not from lack of trying though. i laid down frustrated thinking this feeling will never pass and i can't even form a proper sentence of how i feel. the song was over and another lovely fiona apple song was playing and before i could recognize it i heard a knock on my door. i sat down immediately thinking i heard wrong and waited for another knock. *knock knock* who is it? i said. "it's me" i recognized that voice even lost in crowd of millions of people. "hold on" i said. and i tried to arrange the mess i always have in my room. half ass doing my bed. sprayed some perfume on me, cleaned my glasses. it was the most tiring and fastest minute of my life. my heart was beating rapidly. i went to open the door but not before taking a long deep breath. i opened the door and saw her beautiful face on my door. "hi." she said, again with that smile. we always hugged when we said hi. and i always liked to take deep breaths of her. i loved feeling the pressure of her fingers on my back. and the way her body felt against mine. to me, those were moments of pure bliss. because it was as much as we were ever gonna have. i always, but never meant to, ran my hand from her back all the way down to her waist. i wish i could see her face when she hugs me. i wonder if i give good hugs. she does. i always liked her hugs better than kissing. her kisses sometimes felt like a need for attention. hugs were much more genuine. this was her first time in my room. she had seen my room through pictures, never in real life. i was so glad i had already taken her pictures down. we move to sit down on my bed. she sits first. and i stand for a second. she says "sit down, i don't bite." and in my head i kinda wish she did. i sit next to her but not too close. she scoots over closer to me. being coherent and functioning as an adult are no longer options for me. i could smell her everywhere. we talk about our day and about last week and the week and month before. i can't help but look at my hands and feet the whole time we were talking with the exception of a few glances at her. i murmur for the most part. i can feel her looking at me, staring, as i speak eventhough i don't say much. her feet, again, are bare. she leaves her black shoes on the floor and puts her feet up in my bed. i gulp. she drives me insane. she plays with her hair and rearranges her glasses while i sit quietly. my hand is so close to her feet, i fight and urge to tickle it. "do you want anything to drink?" i say, i'm such a bad host. "what do you have?" "i have milk" and before i can continue she interrupts me "i'm lactose intolerant." i laugh. " i have orange juice, water, vodka and jack daniels. oh and i have coke." "can you prepare jack and coke?" "i can try." i go over to the kitchen and she follows shortly. she looks around with curiosity. i make her drink and make one for myself, you know, for courage. we head back to my room and i change the music, fiona apple is too depressing. i know what i can play that she likes but that too, is depressing so i play the playlist that's been playing for about three weeks non stop with the exception of today. we have little sips of our drinks in my mom's fancy cups. she sits extremely close to me. so close i can smell her jack and coke breath mixed her orbits gum. our arms legs are touching. i have this feeling where i think i'm gonna start to sweat. it gets really hot, really fast and i blush. she sits her hand on the bed and touches mine but immediately moves it. i had hoped it was on purpose.
her: so how have you been?
me: i'm good thank you. how are you?
her: why do you always say thank you?
me: it's proper manners.
her: it seems like you're not expecting me to ask.
me: i always say thank you. it's habit. i was taught to say thank you.
her: yeah well me too. do you love me?
my world collapses on me. i feel like rubble on 9/11. i laugh a little to make give myself sometime as to what it is i'm gonna say. umm..okay. why are you asking me that?
her: it's a simple question.
me: actually no, it's not a simple quesion. it's...no, not at all a simple question.
her: it's a yes or no answer. so are you?
me: are you asking me if i love or if i'm in love with you?
she gives a little laugh. "you know what i mean, don't play dumb."
me: i don't actually.
her: are you in love with me still?
me: no. (but i lied.)
her face seems a little sad and disappointed at my answer and my heart breaks along with my voice. "why are you asking?" i ask.
her: just curious.
she changes the subject to work and how she's getting sick of it. i tell her i'm sick of mine too. she takes a sip her drink and again her hand sits on mine. except this time she doesn't move it. i wonder if the answer to her question were different, would the following had happened...

to be continued.

dear ....., i miss you.

i hate missing you. mostly because i can't do anything about it but also because i know i don't even cross your mind. i hate that we have friends in common and seeing your name on their pages. and i especially hate it when you say something referring to your ex boyfriend. i hate it. i wish i could do something to make me not miss you. to make me forget you. to make me forget all the shit you said to me, the pretty things especially. i miss you. i miss you everyday, even when i lie to myself that i don't. i miss you right now. i miss you so much that i'm physically hurting. the knot in my throat stings because i'm fighting stupid tears from cascading down my cheeks. i'm just not strong enough for this. i hate it. i wish i could hate you. i don't. i can't. i miss you. i love you.

block me from shit so i can't see your name anymore. your name hurts too.

and i just wish i had heard you say my name once.

and i saw her there, standing among thousands of people. her long brown hair putting the california sun to shame with its (shine). her summer dress dancing with the gentle breeze and her bare feet dirty with earth's floor. her knees were bare with the exception of a few grass stains and a few twigs stuck to them as she knelt down. i could smell her when the wind struck her and then struck me. she smelled sweet but a little sour, maybe even citrusey? i never knew how to speak to her. beautiful girls like her always intimidate me, just never as much as she did. all i could do was stare, but only when she wasn't looking. i felt unworthy of her presence. how dare i look into those eyes?! it was almost a sin so i had to look at her without her noticing. i stood behind her for a few minutes until i finally got the courage to walk up to her. she heard me coming and turned around. the sun hit her face and she squinted as she looked at me, her forehead delicately wrinkled. i swear i saw god. "you're here." she said with a subtle smile on her face. she seemed happy to see me but i never knew what to make of that smile. i gave her a smile and she gave me a hug. i took a long, deep breath. inhaling all her scent and feeding off my wildest dreams with it. i wanted to keep her scent forever. i didn't want to exhale. i kept it for as long as i could and released it slowly. just enough to still savor in that aroma. i tried breathing it again but it was gone. i found it hard to breath when she was around. but as hard as it was to breathe, my senses also sharpened. we stood side by side for a while, watching the people and not saying much to eachother. just standing there. she sits down, indian style, covering what she doesn't want people to see with her hands and dress. i join her. she looks at me and it feels like lightning hit. little waves of electricity are running throughout my whole body and when i come out of it i realize i was being kissed. her small, pink lips touching mine. every line on them, every freckle, connected with mine. she pulled back for a second and stared at me, giving me a look to kiss her back, and she kissed me again. i kissed her back. i could feel my heart wanting to jump out of my chest and into hers desperately, i fought hard to keep it in its place. she kissed pretty. prettier than all girls i had kissed before her. her lips fit perfectly with mine. at that moment i felt like my life was complete. as stupid as it sounds, it did. at that moment she took my breath, my heart, my soul. and i didn't know how hard it was gonna be for me to get them back. and i never did.


bleeeeh!

m love.

aidee: my face smells like you.
m: what do you mean like me?
aidee: it smells like you...i don't know.
m: i don't get it.
aidee: it smells like your vagina, monica.
m: hahaha what does that smell like, bad?
aidee: it smells lovely, i can't stop smelling my top lip.
m: oh wow, come over.
aidee: okay.

and away i go.

i wish i didn't make people too important so when they are no longer in my life i wouldn't have people asking me about them. bleh.

butt hurt.

the end.

"and sometimes i miss you, and sometimes i don't. and i can't tell the fucking difference anymore."

m: have you talked to her?
aidee: nope.
m: so what are you guys now?
aidee: umm. nothing. we were never really anything. i guess friends but i'm not even sure because i never wanted to be her friend. sooo yeah.
m: and you don't plan on talking to her.
aidee: i didn't stop. she did. but it's okay because i don't miss her like i used to. i mean, you know me. i'm kinda extremist with stuff like this. i either don't miss her at all or i miss her like crazy, and when i do, i want to fucking die. i wanna curl up in my bed and fade away along with my thoughts and sadness.
m: so you what now?
aidee: there's nothing to be done. i can't give her a friendship and she can't give me what i want. later in life all that we're gonna be is part of eachother's past. if someone asks her "what did you do summer of 2010?" or something like that, it will have nothing to do with me, you know? i will be forgotten completely. as a person. as someone who was in love with her and someone whose hand she held. even if they as her where she got her shoes, she's not gonna remember. it will be like she bought them at a store. i can't explain. we will just be part of the past.
m: no, i get it. but she won't forget you.
aidee: she already has.
m: you don't know that.
aidee: i hope she has.

silver souls.

i went to dinner with omar today. one of our little hangouts that are always the best time ever. we went to hillcrest since we wanted burgers, but real burgers. none of that fast food shit. real burgers. we went to city delicatessen and ordered two manhattan burgers. omar ordered a black cherry soda and i had a dr. pepper. we played three songs from the little jukebox they have but i made a mistake the first time and played a song i had never heard until today. you were in my mind the whole time. the whole fucking time. i couldn't sleep last night. i was uneasy since i got home. something was bothering me and for whatever reason i began to read our old aim conversations, something i haven't done in months, and i cried, because i was madly in love and i thought my feelings were at least half shared. i was reading one from late july when you're super pissed off at me because of something omar said. it's funny now. at that point i still didn't know what was bothering me. i went away for a while and when i came back i opened google and your page is like recorded or whatever when i go on tumblr, so it always goes to your page first, and i read about your grandpa. no one probably believes me and i don't care, but i think that's why i was feeling shitty. somehow i kinda knew, i guess, that there was something going on and i think that's what was making me feel sad. i can't stop thinking about you. not in romantic way, just about you're feeling. i hate that you hate me because i wish i could be there for you. whether in person or just, i don't know, around. i wish this hadn't happened. i wish you still had your grandpa. i wish i could make all your pain go away. i wish you had nothing but good things and good people around you. if i had one wish, it would be for you to have everything you want and need, including you not having any kind of pain. we probably won't ever talk again, at least not for a real long time, but i never meant anything bad. and eventhough i miss you, i think we're both better off without being in eachother's lives. but i went off track like usual. i just hope you're okay. i hope your sadness doesn't last too long. nothing but best wishes for you, my love.

april 8, 2011.

I wanna be what omar meant to johnny or vice versa. What paige and joann and samantha meant to me. I'll never have that. I'll never have special moments with anyone. The people i love are far too complicated and i'm far too simple. i am not able to satisfy their wants and needs. I just wanna be someone special to someone. To go into someone's life and scar them for life but not in a bad way but in a pretty way. To touch them in a way few have touched and to share moments with them. To leave my mark and never be forgotten.

march 25, 2011.

I couldn't help but imagine her stretched out in my bed. She just had to lay there and i would be in awe of her. Of her beauty. Of her never ending allure that captivates you in an instant and ceases to let you go. It holds on and the grip is so tight that you give in to it. You find it hard to look away. Even breathing is difficult. And you realize at that moment that your life just became complicated, more difficult. But even more than that, you realize your life was just given meaning. And all you can do is keep swimming, even if you know that eventually, you'll drown.

reading old conversations.

and i'm really sorry about your grandpa.

in my dreams we're still screaming.

march 26th, 2011

i dreamt with you. all night long. it was so vivid and amazing. i think you cried and i held you for a brief moment. at first, you seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me but i convinced you to stop being dumb and you eventually came around. it was so weird, it felt like you were real. you were real. at that moment, you were. this morning the first song that was playing as i got in my dad's car was Pictures of You. maybe i'm just being dumb and since i've felt like complete shit about someone for quite some time now, i think of you. i don't know. i wasn't thinking of you at all yesterday or even recently. i don't know why you appeared in my dreams. this was the most vivid dream i've had in quite some time. it's also been a while since you've been there. i've never dreamt with you like this. i can't think of another word othe than vivid. you were there. again, i don't know why showed up while i was unconscious, but i'm glad you did.

mom.

"le quisiste dar todo. la asqueaste de amor."