i'm here at home. waiting for monica to come over. this past week has actually been pretty well. regaining sanity's never tasted so sweet and i can finally sleep at night, although i hardly sleep these days. maybe it's been a good week because i haven't really been home much. i mean, i only work three days and i go to school one but i have been going out three to four times a week and monica usually comes over the remaining days. so sleep isn't something i do. i feel like i need it though. i haven't slept much in the past year. i'm tired. i've never been this tired in my life. you know when you cry so much that you can't sleep but when you finally do the next day your eyes are heavy and they hurt? that's how i feel. i spent about eight months crying almost every day and now that i have finally stopped my eyes are just tired. i have headaches and i can finally sleep but it's mostly because i sleep an average of three hours every night. i'm just always tired. i probably shouldn't go out as much as i have been going out and i probably should be going to sleep early the days that i stay in but i can't and i won't. i'm contradicting myself a bit i think. i don't know, all i know is that before i couldn't sleep. even if i was exhausted. sleep was out of the question. now i can. and i'm really tired right now and life is better and my heart is better. and my sanity is slowly coming back. however, i feel like there's something missing. and i'll be damned if i don't find out and i'll be even more damned when i do.
"your guard is up."
i think this is it.
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