"joann had your heart first." it should have stayed that way.

i've never had so little interest in anyone. i'm usually at least a little interested if i know you're interested but there's nothing on my part. maybe i'm broken in a way. you know, maybe this is the time when i will actually put walls up. i have no interest in anyone whatsoever. no one. it's kinda sad and my life seems kinda boring. i don't have much to think about because i usually have someone criminally stealing my thoughts and running around mind like a cross country runner. just running incessantly. and for about three months now this hasn't happened. i have been thinking about Joann though. not necessarily in a romantic way, i just miss her shit. i always enjoyed our conversations because i loved listening to her speak. the tone of her voice soothed my dreams almost as much as the last person who had my heart. not quite, but really close. Joann and i also spoke on the phone much more often so that was that. but i've been missing her. i went through my myspace the other day and i hadn't done so in quite some time and it's FULL of blogs to and of Joann. i mean...just pages and pages and pages of little shitty poems and letters. she stopped reading them when i pissed her off with one of them. i liked that in a way. she gave me shit but not directly and after that she stopped reading my shit. i was also going through my messages and i found something she had written on her blog and it was about me. i guess i sent it to omar or something. she used to always write little things for me on myspace. bulletins, blogs, and she would text me little things. maybe all of this, this heart and love business, has been a fucking lie. all of it. including on my end of this. including my feelings and emotions. or what am i doing wrong? i have their interest and attention for two months and after that it's gone, but gone like it never even happened. was i just really that completely gullible and just shamelessly lied to? because that's what it seems like, that i was lied to by two different people at two different, yet very similar times in my life. "i fell hard for you." BULLSHIT. "i am in love with you." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT from two fucking people that i poured my heart to. two people that i let in completely and freely. i spilled my heart for no reason. and i am not angry about it, but with Joann for example, she kept up with her flirting for months into her relationship. dirty talking and texting and half naked pictures. and then she felt guilty about it and would tell her girlfriend "i love you." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT to your feelings. and the other person i am not even gonna say shit about. but bullshit as well. both of them broke me. ripped my chest open and tore my heart apart and threw chunks of it at eachother to just give it back all shattered. now that i have my heart back, it's incomplete. parts of it is missing. it's fragile and its own fragility scares me. and i hate that no one interests me, not because i want to be interested in anyone, i don't. but because i feel like this is it. like the last one will be the last person i will love. and i don't want her to be the last person i love. this can't be it. the last person i love can't be someone who lied to me and can't be someone who doesn't love me back. she just can't be it. i'm okay being uninterested but i just feel like i'm in a rut. like romantically nothing's gonna happen for a really long time. and it's not that i'm lonely, i just want to have someone in the future. and i know it's soon but i can't help and think that that was it. that i gave or tried to give all the love i had to one person and i'm all out of love now. why couldn't you just fucking love me like you said you did?! fuck. i just want to be happy. i want and need to make myself happy.