"joann had your heart first." it should have stayed that way.

i've never had so little interest in anyone. i'm usually at least a little interested if i know you're interested but there's nothing on my part. maybe i'm broken in a way. you know, maybe this is the time when i will actually put walls up. i have no interest in anyone whatsoever. no one. it's kinda sad and my life seems kinda boring. i don't have much to think about because i usually have someone criminally stealing my thoughts and running around mind like a cross country runner. just running incessantly. and for about three months now this hasn't happened. i have been thinking about Joann though. not necessarily in a romantic way, i just miss her shit. i always enjoyed our conversations because i loved listening to her speak. the tone of her voice soothed my dreams almost as much as the last person who had my heart. not quite, but really close. Joann and i also spoke on the phone much more often so that was that. but i've been missing her. i went through my myspace the other day and i hadn't done so in quite some time and it's FULL of blogs to and of Joann. i mean...just pages and pages and pages of little shitty poems and letters. she stopped reading them when i pissed her off with one of them. i liked that in a way. she gave me shit but not directly and after that she stopped reading my shit. i was also going through my messages and i found something she had written on her blog and it was about me. i guess i sent it to omar or something. she used to always write little things for me on myspace. bulletins, blogs, and she would text me little things. maybe all of this, this heart and love business, has been a fucking lie. all of it. including on my end of this. including my feelings and emotions. or what am i doing wrong? i have their interest and attention for two months and after that it's gone, but gone like it never even happened. was i just really that completely gullible and just shamelessly lied to? because that's what it seems like, that i was lied to by two different people at two different, yet very similar times in my life. "i fell hard for you." BULLSHIT. "i am in love with you." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT from two fucking people that i poured my heart to. two people that i let in completely and freely. i spilled my heart for no reason. and i am not angry about it, but with Joann for example, she kept up with her flirting for months into her relationship. dirty talking and texting and half naked pictures. and then she felt guilty about it and would tell her girlfriend "i love you." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT to your feelings. and the other person i am not even gonna say shit about. but bullshit as well. both of them broke me. ripped my chest open and tore my heart apart and threw chunks of it at eachother to just give it back all shattered. now that i have my heart back, it's incomplete. parts of it is missing. it's fragile and its own fragility scares me. and i hate that no one interests me, not because i want to be interested in anyone, i don't. but because i feel like this is it. like the last one will be the last person i will love. and i don't want her to be the last person i love. this can't be it. the last person i love can't be someone who lied to me and can't be someone who doesn't love me back. she just can't be it. i'm okay being uninterested but i just feel like i'm in a rut. like romantically nothing's gonna happen for a really long time. and it's not that i'm lonely, i just want to have someone in the future. and i know it's soon but i can't help and think that that was it. that i gave or tried to give all the love i had to one person and i'm all out of love now. why couldn't you just fucking love me like you said you did?! fuck. i just want to be happy. i want and need to make myself happy.

1:32 am.

heavy sighs and light whispers.
knots in my throat tightening like pistols.
anchors in my soul shackled to my heart
and nail poetry on a "silhouette of loneliness"
sjkdfhasjklfhashfljkashfjkasdfhksdhfkshfksadfaskdfasdf

bleh.

is it too much to ask for someone to just get a boyfriend that way i don't get bothered when there's flirting with numerous people and i have to read it?! shiit man.

i've seen this happen in other people's lives and not it happened it mine.

i never thought it would happen to me, not the hurting but the situation. i mean, i knew going in that it might happen. and it was my fear all along. i used to tell my best friend "i know this is gonna come bite me in the ass, but it's worth it." he said "if you get fucked over, it's not worth it." i was in love. so at that moment it was. but was it worth it? i don't know. sometimes i feel like it was, sometimes i don't. it all has to do with how i'm feeling that day or whatever. but i never thought i would put myself in such situation. i got carried away by a moment. by a beautiful woman. i fell in love with words. empty words now, but beautiful words then. i'm good now, but just remembering how much i hurt up until about two months ago, makes me hurt all over again. on friday morning i silently broke down as i laid on my grandma's hard floor. two months came back in a matter of seconds. everything. it all started pouring back like my tears down my chin.

february 18, 2011. 6:09am.

you know that feeling, when you do something that reminds you of a moment, a situation? and that moment reminds you of someone?

sleeping on the floor at my grandma's house reminds me of summer. the way the hard floor with like five quilts felt against my bode. how i would wake up semi sore from it. and how i would go to sleep texting someone. how i would go to sleep smiling like a fool every night. messages and messages filled with babys and i love yous. it's gonna be one of those days.

ugh. fuck.

don't call me babe. don't call me love. don't tell me you miss me. just...don't. fuck.

blogspot, you suck.

i really hate that someone is following me anonymously. no one follows me, why the fuck would someone follow me anonymously. on another note, chaning my url is probably the best thing i've done so far. like a breath of fresh air. *sigh* no one knows about it and i'm fucking glad. shit. although i am a little worried as to who this anonymous is. bleh. oh fucking well.

broken glass.

i broke a glass of water last night. i can't look at broken glass. it gives me an urge to cut. i wanted to just slide my arm over the sharp, broken remaining part of the glass. i had to literally walk away while my mother threw that shit away. i was so tempted to keep it. the whole thing. and just have at it while i had the chance.

limitless weight held by a single strand.

i feel like i'm gonna go insane without you.
the day you leave i will fall apart completely.

sleepless, long nights that is what my youth is for.

i'm here at home. waiting for monica to come over. this past week has actually been pretty well. regaining sanity's never tasted so sweet and i can finally sleep at night, although i hardly sleep these days. maybe it's been a good week because i haven't really been home much. i mean, i only work three days and i go to school one but i have been going out three to four times a week and monica usually comes over the remaining days. so sleep isn't something i do. i feel like i need it though. i haven't slept much in the past year. i'm tired. i've never been this tired in my life. you know when you cry so much that you can't sleep but when you finally do the next day your eyes are heavy and they hurt? that's how i feel. i spent about eight months crying almost every day and now that i have finally stopped my eyes are just tired. i have headaches and i can finally sleep but it's mostly because i sleep an average of three hours every night. i'm just always tired. i probably shouldn't go out as much as i have been going out and i probably should be going to sleep early the days that i stay in but i can't and i won't. i'm contradicting myself a bit i think. i don't know, all i know is that before i couldn't sleep. even if i was exhausted. sleep was out of the question. now i can. and i'm really tired right now and life is better and my heart is better. and my sanity is slowly coming back. however, i feel like there's something missing. and i'll be damned if i don't find out and i'll be even more damned when i do.

"your guard is up."

i think this is it.

some say our life is insane but it isn't insane on paper.

listening to emily haines & the soft skeleton, feeling a bit sad, i guess that's the word. i don't know if it's the music or what but i'm feeling a bit sad.

written some time ago.

"joann had your heart. it belonged to her."

i don't know how to feel about this opinion. i mean, yes, between samantha and joann, between those eight years there had been no other girl who i felt even one tenth of how i felt for either of these two girls. but i'm not sure about one of these two things. one: i don't know if i like that idea. that my heart belonged to joann and someone came over and stole it. or two: if it really was hers. i don't know anything anymore

dear omar,

i'm not interested in her. i'm not and it pisses me off. i don't know what's wrong with me right now, i'm okay just...i don't know. i like the attention but it's not enough. i'm not interested. i'm not anxiously waiting for her texts or for her to comment my shit. i'm not even nervous about seeing her tomorrow. i don't want anyone. no one. and i mean NO ONE. i'm just a fool.

kcuf.

i can act and play tough and pretend shit doesn't matter and shit doesn't hurt but it does. i hate myself.

monica.

fuck. monica, this isn't good, for either of us but fuuuuuuck, i've enjoyed your company these past four months. we said we were gonna stop and it didn't work out but i'm scared. i'm scared that feelings are gonna develop...with either of us. i know you're seeing someone else but i fucking love that i'm priority even when you say i'm not. you wouldn't come over at four in the morning if i weren't. and i'm not saying i'm priority in everything but when it comes to this other girl, i know i come first. it could be familiarity or whatever, it doesn't matter. i like being important to you. because it's not just sex, it's a friendship. a real friendship, almost a relationship without a label. i know that one day you're gonna be fed up with my shit and be fed up that i am not willing to give you a relationship and i'm trying to prepare myself mentally for it but it's bullshit, you can't prepare for this shit. and i know it's gonna come soon and unexpectedly but it's okay. i know one of these days you're gonna tell me you're in a relationship with this girl and i will understand. i know she's great from what you've told me so far. i miss you today. eventhough i saw you this morning.

bound to trip.

it's a very scary thing, the power some people hold over you. one word can completely destroy you. one word can completely make you. see, after shit's gone down you have to start from scratch pretty much, but you can't really start completely from scratch there's always something lingering that isn't new, but you have to try to start off fresh. i think i died. i do. i think i'm almost ready to be born again. like i'm in my mother's womb. and i think in these past few months i've built a very shakey, very unsteady foundation that as the days go on it slowly starts getting stronger. however, this is still a shakey, unsteady foundation which means that at any moment, something can blow at it and destroy it. and it's very scary how easily that can be done. anything said, anything not said has some effect on me. it could be negative or it could be positive. it's not as strong as it was before but it's there and i'm scared shitless about it. i want to be born again. and if my shit doesn't stop it'll be a miscarriage and i can't have that. blah blah blah. i lost what i was gonna fucking write. i can't sleep these days either and it's making me go insane. fuck.

nature.

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