monday, october 18. year. 2010.

it was monday just less than two hours ago. omar came to my house. we drank lots of booze and now my drunkness is going down. i'm shakey and i don't like this fucking feeling. omar is asleep. it's cold and raining as i type. fall is going to be a very sad time. too sad. maybe the saddest. i've realized that i never had anyone for cold weather, in a romantic way i mean. and before, as in past years, this was never a problem. i don't care to share my bed with anyone and never cared for anyone to share their bed with me. to hold someone in my arms or to be held all night. this had never mattered to me. sure, it'd be nice if i had. but i didn't and it never crossed my mind. this year, 2010, has been the most emotionally exhausting year of my life. it's autumn now. my favorite season of the year. i thought i was going to share an embrace with someone. a holding of hands. i didn't and it's okay that i'm not going to, but i wanted to. not jsut with anyone, but with her. only with her. just with her. forever with her, always. that's how this summer, i imagined my autumn would be. an autumn full of love and kisses. nothing but hugs and warmth. cuddling and sharing of beds. i would have given her my bed. my bed was already hers. i'm sad. extrememly sad. i tell myself i'll get over her soon. i ask my friend "i'll get over her soon, right?" i am trying to convince myself that i will. i've never been good at convincing anyone about anything, how am i supposed to convince myself with this. i'll be okay. i think. maybe not now. but i will be. i'm still shakey and my throat is starting to bother me. listening to the decemberists, city and colour, elliott smith among others is definitely not helping. i have a headache. the desk if full of booze bootles and cans. mugs with no more wine in them and my ipod next to me. off. i wish i had the power to make you love me.