i'm not.

i know nothing. again. i write once again about knowing nothing. because i was fucking good. i was really fucking good. not interested in anyone, not thinking about anything or anyone constantly, and although it's boring, it's a good thing. it's a very good thing. bad dates with lesser girls and shit like that. life was just beginning to pick up. see, i'm always sad but i'm also always happy. or was. it's been too fucking long and i can't this anymore. i don't get it. i don't understand the texts. i am not expecting anything. nothing. absolutely nothing. but it's complete bullshit saying there was no clue as to who it was i had deep feelings for. i want to be good. i don't want texts on my phone, i mean, i do. but i don't want to be anxiously waiting for a texts that at some point will stop coming. i hate that. i hate this. i was good, i really was. and i know i'm not someone you want and i know i'm probably just in your life because i'm not a complete cunt and because i will give you attention whenever you want it or need it but i can't do this. i can't be friends. i just can't. i will try and i will try but truth is, i can't. because i don't want you as a friend. because the thought of kissing you gives me goosebumps. because the thought of touching you makes my heart skip a beat. because you being in my presence makes it hard for me to breathe. because i can't function. you're like my drug. and i went a long time without really being around you. and i had to quit you cold turkey but it's not enough. it never will be enough. people like you can't be quit cold turkey. there's a process and shit you have to go through otherwise there will always be a fall back. i can't keep doing this to myself anymore. you get me high. you're my drug. i'm addicted to you and anything you do or say makes me fall back. and i don't want to quit you but i will die again if you do. you've killed me once, i can't let you kill me again. it's not fair. this isn't fair. i don't understand the sudden need to text me when we hadn't done so in so long. not like this. i will always be around but i can't always be around. goddamnit, this isn't fucking fair.