yeah yeah.

i just miss people all the time. and i had never taken a picture of myself for anyone until you asked. this is just the face of me missing people.

the slurs of a semi drunk girl.

i was already feeling shitty when i left home approximately four hours ago. but i thought, "fuck it", i'm gonna drink and talk and dance and have a good time. well, i drank, and i talked, there was no dancing and i didn't have a good time. but not from lack of trying. i faked a smile and faked many many laughs. any other day i would have had a blast, not today. i was feeling so shitty that for the first time in my life i asked to be taken home. i just wanted to be home, a place where i can cry in peace. i asked my cousin to take me home and she agreed immediately. we were in the car and over her shoulder she reached for my hand and she held it tightly. i fought hard to keep the tears from coming and i succeeded, just barely. i needed that comforting hand and eventhough i'm crying now, i needed to know someone understood. and eventhough my situation is stupid and ridiculous and hard to understand, i know that at that moment, my cousin understood what i was feeling. i'm okay with being hurt when you're around. it's almost part of the deal. but you're not around anymore, please stop hurting. i was gonna write a whole bunch of shit but the booze won't allow me to do so.


- "lo que a tu lado fui, me lo guardare. solo pido que deje de doler." Julieta Venegas.

y hoy, otra vez, no se.

i don't know what's better, not knowing how you are and how you've been. or knowing, and realizing you're extremely happy and better off without me having to pester your shit. i don't know if it's worse reading what you write about your boyfriend, or just be completely invisible. i don't know which hurts more.

summer nostalgia. march 19th.

mgmt
congratulations
gloomy mornings on my way to plaza blvd.
talking to joann.
meeting "june"
talking to "june"
brazilian carnival
being sad
being happy
bus rides
hot afternoons
half mast
semi dirty pictures
pretty pictures of faces
aim
voicemail
saving texts
black scrubs
stretching my ear
texting "june" day and night
books
inception
holding hands
breath taking looks
goosebumping hugs
the xx
omar's little ipod
my body is a cage
skinny love
june 26th: meeting "june", pissing joann off
supy's little ipod
two playlists
walking to mcdonalds on my lunch break
lunch with my little intern
happy hellos
sad goodbyes
i loves yous
i miss yous
baby

it seems like once again you've come to greet me with goodbye.

old.

the chair kicked from under me..

like a mixed martial arts sweep of another..

the hole in my heart now filled with the pain of the simple mortality of a human soul..

and the never ending soothing feeling of not feeling any pain..

who needs oxygen if they don’t have you in their lives..

the tips of my fingers numbed with a lack of passion..

while their faces are numbed with a lack of compassion..

a compassion for a burning and yearning heart and soul..

a fire inside me like a thousand burning choals..

a burning of a forest when the fires are unstoppable..

and all the wind does is make the fire spread througout the entire being..

an entire soul..

like waves crashing onto a wall and breaking it free..

i want to be the waves..

i want to break free..

but all i am is a dead soul waltzing with trees..

i can't let it out, i still let you in.

May 2, 2010.

why do i find myself missing you so much?! it’s frustrating. i hate missing coz i’m never the one being missed. i find myself reading old conversations we had and it feels like a punch to the face, why can’t we turn back time once in our lives? i miss you, i miss our conversations, how you would write a lyric and i would write the next line and then you wrote the next and so on. i miss your voice. i miss your laugh. i miss your stories. i find myself crying over something that was never there to being with. i hate being in love with you, because with you i actually felt my feelings being corresponded even if it was for a second. when you texted me that night at 3am saying how i had been on your mind all day and how you had these feelings, i actually thought there was gonna be something else other than this friendship, that i do cherish. i want to see you, even if from far away, even if it’s from outside your work, i wanna see you, i want to see you move and i want to see you smile. you’re all that matters to me these days. i can’t let you out, i’m having such difficulty dealing with this. all i ask is for a single minute of not having you wandering around my mind. well, i guess all i ask is for me to be yours but that’s not gonna happen, so i ask for you to get out of my head, completely, but don’t ever stop talking to me, that will kill me. heart ache sucks.. basic space will forever be the song that reminds me of my heart being broken by you..

we float.

old.

you’re all i see, i see no one else, no one compares to you, at least not now. i told myself i was over you today, i lied. i’m not. i can’t. right now, i am at that point when the only thing i want other than being yours is to get over you but i’m unsuccessful no matter how hard i try. i’m consumed in a way i never thought was going to be possible, every breath, every sigh, every blink of an eye, every gulp, every knot in my throat, all of me is consumed by you, “the day after you stole my heart everything i touched told me it would be better shared with you..” my body hurts along with the mass of blood inside my chest and i have no way of relieving that pain and have no idea how long it’ll take for it to stop hurting. it seems like time is moving at a snail pace, every second seems like an hour and every day seems like a year. i feel i’ve aged in these past months, i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i catch myself painfully sighing every minute and over what? nothing, because to you, obviously, there was nothing. and i know you’re probably sick and tired of reading my shit and me writing all this crap on here but i do promise this is the last one. you broke my stupid little heart, maybe not purposely, but you did. i know you never meant to hurt my feelings and you never did, your heart just decided to go somewhere else and i understand that, but not mine, mine is yours and doesn’t want to be anywhere else. i love you and it’s now starting to scare me how i can’t get you out of my head and out of my heart.. unfortunately for you, i’m weak when it comes to love and emotions..

manos vacias.

i want to disappear, but i don't know how to. and even if i did, i'm scared to do so. i wish i had the courage to to disappear from everything and everyone. no cell phone. no facebook or tumblr. none of that. just be with myself, in peace. i need some peace of mind.

roll on down.

November 10, 2010.


i’m tired. i’m assuming it’s the lack of sleep. my mom complained about the dark circles around my eyes. i’m tired but i can’t sleep. i’m tired and annoyed and sick of everything and everyone. i have no desire to talk to anyone. to see anyone. not even to listen. i’m too tired to listen. to have people complain about their fucked up lives to me. mine’s enough to handle at the moment, i don’t need anyone else’s problems. everyone’s annoying me these days. everything. i annoy myself. i can’t even write anymore. nothing comes up. there’s just so much shit going on and i don’t know anything anymore. all i want is cigarettes and drinks. girly, pretty drinks or beer and hard shit. just anything to alter my mind for a bit. to maybe take me away from whatever the fuck roams around in this tiny, boring brain. all i see are faces now. sometimes faceless voices. mostly voiceless faces, distorted with a reality that i am in fact, not even here sometimes. that when it’s cold, it’s when i’m surrounded by a dark and empty room with red pictured walls and notebooks everywhere. most of them with nothing but bullshit written in them, with girls’ names written all over its pages. the names of those three who came into my life to just pack up and go. blood and tears on the fragile pages along with random lyrics of whatever i was listening at the time. dates at the top of what was written. nothing but sad, pathetic, high school-esque, ridiculous shit that i’ve made a mistake of writing online. nothing but a nothingness of whatever the fuck this girl is. empty pages at the end of some notebooks. i never completely finish them. there’s always a page or two at the end that are left empty. i can’t ever finish anything in my life. it’s never warm, not when i write, it’s always cold. the tips of my fingers feel like my nose on a freezing winter day. emotional unavailability is how this life should be lead. all emotional availability does is, fuck me over. every single time. it’s okay, i get it. but it also gets old. i long for warm days, not with really with anyone, but with myself. when i can actually sleep. when thinking is not all i do. when dreams aren’t nightmares. i long for those days when it’s cold outside but my jacket is enough to keep me warm. i miss my sanity at times. nothing seems real these days. talking, walking, touching, smelling, drinking, eating, sleeping, thinking, breathing, feeling, they’re all in some dream or nightmare that i can’t seem to wake up from. pain consumes me violently. everything hurts and it’s numbing me. being numb isn’t real. maybe my pain isn’t either. i know nothing.

not mine but yours.

November 10, 2010.

i had a lot of love to give, i think this year there was an abundance, an over flow of my love that i was yearning to give. unfortunately the people i wanted to give it to, didn’t want it. and the sad part of that is that it’s the one thing you have that is yours and no one else’s love will be the same. it’s the one thing you can’t just give away like candy, it may taste sweet but it isn’t. it’s the one thing that you give away to those who dig deep in your heart and all the way to your soul. so when they give you your love back, what do you with it if it’s not yours anymore?

it’s lasted eight years and five hours with 26 minutes.

December 20, 2010.

it’s been that long since i’ve seen you. you were seventeen and i was fifteen. it sounds strange, now at 25 and 23. time flies. everything from those last fifteen minutes of your presence are remembered as if they just happened last night. the way you were sitting, with your always heavy messenger bag on top of your legs and your hair up like you always had it, uncombed. i always loved your sense of style which really wasn’t much. the same clothes everyday. sometimes you wore red socks and i thought it was the cutest thing ever. i still hate myself for getting to school later than usual that day and i still want to kick my cousin’s ass for being the reason. your voice, i think your voice is what i miss most along with your laugh and your revealed little crooked teeth. “look all you want because this is the last time you’re gonna see me.” you weren’t lying and i knew, so i did. i stared because i was certain that it really was the last time i was going to see your face and hear your voice and smell your hair. the last time i was going to sit next to you and touch you. i wanted to cherish that moment forever. fifteen minutes. that’s all i had. fifteen fucking minutes. i had never been so sad in my life. i cried all that day because you were the most important person in my life and i was just some little girl who followed you around because she was in love with you. because to you, i really was nothing and i was okay with that but it still hurt. because when you left, i stupidly thought i was gonna get a proper good bye from you and i didn’t. i never got to say good bye. you just left and i haven’t seen you since. i’ve written about you for eight years and i still continue to do so. December 20th, 2002 was the saddest day of my life. i cried for years after that and i still cry today. you changed my life. you were my first love. your name is carved on my body and it’s the two cuts that i like because they carry your name and your blood. i cry because i miss you, i’ll never stop loving you but i cry because i miss those days. those two months. and because everyone i love leaves within two months. i just hope you think of me from time to time, even if you don’t remember my name or my face.

2010.

december 21, 2010.

i’m not really going to complain about you eventhough you weren’t necessarily very kind and if your intention was to make me cry, then you succeeded admirably. but i won’t complain any longer because amongst all the tears and all those endless, sleepless nights, i had some good times as well. i met some wonderful, beautiful people and just that alone, is worth all those shitty fucking nights you decided to fuck me over for whatever fucking reason. this really is about all the crying i’m going to be doing for the next eleven days. yes, crying. curled up in fetal position in a corner of my bed, crying. i’ve kept myself from crying for about a month now and right now, on the verge of tears, i will cry. why? because i fucking deserve a good cry after all this heart ache that started in february and hasn’t stopped to this day. i’m gonna wash away whatever sadness i have with tears and i’m going to rid you from my life. i’m crying you out. i refuse to cry about you next year, so i’m crying you out now. i’m ridding you from my system and not looking back. i have to. because i cannot be sad about the same thing in the new year. it will consume me and it will kill me. i’m crying you out today, tomorrow and every day until the clock hits 12 on new years eve. that day, that minute and the seconds that pass after that, the ticking of the clock, i will cry but i will not cry of sadness, i will cry of joy that you are finally over. that i can and will have a fresh start.

what's so awesome about her, why do you love her?

no one had ever asked it this way. truth is i don't expect anyone to understand. no one. not even her. but there's something about her. she's like fucking gravity. she just pulls you in and there's nothing you can do to stop it. everything about her was so enticing, so interesting, so lovely. she exudes allure. even when she's mad and being a pain in the ass. i wish i could make it make it stop but i can't.

oh oh oh.

friend: have you talked to her?
me: um no, we don't talk anymore. i got deleted and unfollowed...again.
friend: so, she does it all the time.
me: this time it's different.

the reason it's different is because she's in a relationship. whether or not she only kept me around because i'm good at giving her attention, truth is...i am. i'm a fucking master at it. she no longer needs my attention because now there's someone giving her what she wants/needs. there really isn't many reasons as to why she's kept me around for this long. attention and friendship are the only two. and she already has a lot of friends.

listening to grizzly bear.

good bye.

tonight i will forget you. i'm drinking until i can no longer remember you. tonight i drown my pain in alcohol and not in tears.

it's here.

that moment i feared, yet wanted to happen. i want to throw up. i want to cry. i'm glad she's happy, i really am but i can't help it. i need to catch my breath. i feel like i can't breathe.

oh...sorry.

k: so many pretty girls.
me: where?
k: state, my class.
me: send them over!
k: no, you only have eyes for paige anyways.

untrue. untrue. well, semi untrue. but mostly it is untrue.

desaparece.

i want to disappear. the only person other than my family i want around is omar. i want to disappear. forever. become a ghost to some people.

"when i said i didn't love you, i told a lie. because there is no one above you though i try."

one tiny piece of you is more than than having someone completely. nothing. no one compares.

10-13-10

that was my only fear, the fear of my heart being broken. the thing you told me to not be afraid of, the thing i gave you so much shit about because i was afraid, that. you made my fear a reality.

i guess i was just renting that space in your head/heart while he was gone. thinking i was gonna be able to live there for a lifetime. but truth is, it was never my home, it's someone else's, someone who doesn't even appreciate the structure and beauty, its flaws that make it even more wonderful. its warmth. its comfort. its complexity. and eventhough he's moved back in and taken what i thought was my place. he might move out again, because he doesn't embrace all that it is you. and yet another will move in temporarily to give some sort of maintenance, until he decides to move back in, hopefully for good.

por que no hay cancion que tenga mas sentido en este momento, que esta.

presuntos implicados- en la oscuridad




En la oscuridad, en la que me deje vencer,
vuelvo a recordar, presa del atardecer.
Encerrado en mi memoria
quedan gotas del silencio que nos vio ceder.

En la oscuridad, descubriendo los engaños,
déjame llorar, conseguiste hacerme daño.
Tanta luz que prometías,
se quebró como los días al anochecer.
Estaba tan perdida.

Déjame continuar,
con mi vida yo no puedo jugar.
No volveré a caer jamás.
Déjame conservar la belleza de esta oscuridad,
donde no volveré a caer jamás. En la oscuridad anulaste mis sentidos,
triste soledad, recompensa de tu olvido.
Tanta luz que prometías,
se quebró como los días que he visto caer.

Golpeando los instintos,
voy abriéndome camino hacia la realidad,
y siento que estoy viva!

Déjame continuar,
con mi vida yo no puedo jugar.
No volveré a caer jamás.
Déjame conservar la belleza de esta oscuridad,
donde no volveré a caer jamás

never.

no one has ever had this kind of impact on me. no one has never had this kind of power over me. no one has ever made me feel this way. i've never fallen this head over heels over anyone. never for this long. never this intensly. never. uncorresponded love shouldn't feel like this. i've never loved anyone the way i love you.

"if this isn't love, i don't think i can handle the real thing." -great expectations.

i'm not.

i know nothing. again. i write once again about knowing nothing. because i was fucking good. i was really fucking good. not interested in anyone, not thinking about anything or anyone constantly, and although it's boring, it's a good thing. it's a very good thing. bad dates with lesser girls and shit like that. life was just beginning to pick up. see, i'm always sad but i'm also always happy. or was. it's been too fucking long and i can't this anymore. i don't get it. i don't understand the texts. i am not expecting anything. nothing. absolutely nothing. but it's complete bullshit saying there was no clue as to who it was i had deep feelings for. i want to be good. i don't want texts on my phone, i mean, i do. but i don't want to be anxiously waiting for a texts that at some point will stop coming. i hate that. i hate this. i was good, i really was. and i know i'm not someone you want and i know i'm probably just in your life because i'm not a complete cunt and because i will give you attention whenever you want it or need it but i can't do this. i can't be friends. i just can't. i will try and i will try but truth is, i can't. because i don't want you as a friend. because the thought of kissing you gives me goosebumps. because the thought of touching you makes my heart skip a beat. because you being in my presence makes it hard for me to breathe. because i can't function. you're like my drug. and i went a long time without really being around you. and i had to quit you cold turkey but it's not enough. it never will be enough. people like you can't be quit cold turkey. there's a process and shit you have to go through otherwise there will always be a fall back. i can't keep doing this to myself anymore. you get me high. you're my drug. i'm addicted to you and anything you do or say makes me fall back. and i don't want to quit you but i will die again if you do. you've killed me once, i can't let you kill me again. it's not fair. this isn't fair. i don't understand the sudden need to text me when we hadn't done so in so long. not like this. i will always be around but i can't always be around. goddamnit, this isn't fucking fair.

march 2nd, 2011.

my god. just sitting next to her makes my day, makes me nervous, makes me happy. i never know how to speak or what to say, so i remain quiet and look at my hands. the thought of her feet almost touching my hand makes my heart beat faster. her scent, her skin, her gaze, her smile, her teeth, every part of her body, every centimeter of flesh, her hair, her laugh, her voice, her touch, her body, every single thing about this woman is magnificent. flawless. the way she speaks, the things she says, the way she sits. the way she eats, drinks, swallows, chews on her food. i still can't believe i saw her yesterday. i asked my best friend this morning if we had gone to her house because i didn't believe it. she's beautiful. she smells beautiful. why can't i have what i want for once?

you.

she doesn't compare one bit. and that's the scary part, that no one will ever be good enough.

why?

why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? 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