we agreed to meet up at one outside the movie theater. the movie started at 1:20. i arrived at 12:30 because i'm a nervous wreck and the thought of being late for our "outing" would most likely make me have a panic attack... not that i wasn't already almost having one. i sat on a bench, listened to my ipod, empire of the sun was and mgmt were on repeat. i couldn't breathe properly so i stood up. no one has ever made me feel this anxious. i paced back and forth for a few minutes. i was trying to shake off the nerves off my hands like sweat. it wasn't happening as successfully as i wanted. we were texting and she was upset about a situation that involved her best friend getting screwed over with rent money. the sun was high and i was wearing all black. time was approximating and then i see her walking towards me. i stood up to greet her. she was wearing a black and turquoise dress and her legs were bare and at that moment i wanted to die. she was on the phone. we hugged. it was her 23rd birthday and she was here, spending a small portion of her busy day with me. just us two. i buy us our movie tickets and we go inside. the theater isn't completely full but i remember her telling me that she didn't want anyone to sit next to us or in front of us. unfortunately, that wasn't a promise i could keep. i ask her if she's going to put her legs up on the seat, since that was the reason why she didn't want anyone in front of us and she gives me those sassy responses i love "everyone's gonna see my vagina" to which i say "you can put your legs on top of mine" and she replies again with her wit "i already knew that was an option". she makes fun of me because i like football and says a certain body wash is a little drop of heaven. i thank the gods that i use the same body wash. for whatever reason, half the world decides to text me that day so i turn it off. the lights begin to dim until it's just the light from the screen. i make sure i have my berry smoothie gum in my pocket and mouth, you know, just in case. the movie starts. this is where things get blurry. i don't remember how far into the movie we were but the most amazing thing happened to me.
i feel her slightly pushing me and i thought that i was invading her armrest, i do that, so i move my arm and when i look to her she is giving me this look... a look i can't describe but a look that to this day, a year and four months later, makes it hard for me to swallow. a look that to this day makes me cry. see, i'm not someone to who love has ever been kind, and later on, i will find out that this wasn't the exception. but at the precise moment, love was kind. no, not kind, love was wonderful. love was my friend, my lover. love was love. because that look she gave me made me feel things i had never felt before. she only looked at me. i was always killed by her eyes and this was the final blow. she gave me that look and slipped her arm under mine and put her hand out for me to hold it. and i did. her pale right hand clasped tightly with mine. the dents on her knuckles looking as precious as ever. i ached badly to kiss it but didn't have the courage to do so, so i rested our hands on my leg. she snuggled my arm and said i smelled good. my heart's never beat this heavy, this intensely, this hard, this fast. someone would think i ran a marathon. from the corner of my eye i could see her crossing and uncrossing her legs and i was going crazy. i was always too shy around her to do anything and i hated myself for it. we held hands for a good while until she let go because hers fell asleep. mine had been asleep for a while but i didn't want to let go. the movie ends and we head out. she has to do something immediately after the movie. i walk her to her car and i offer her some of my berry smoothie gum. she takes a piece and splits it in three. chewing it one piece at a time. i can't help but remember a story she wrote and how she took "small satisfactory bites" i imagined her in the story. we get to her car and she gives me a hug. i love her hugs and she smelled wonderful. i had bought something for her but was embarrassed to give her because i had gotten it in the mail the day before and i didn't wrap it so i tell her and she says she doesn't care. i bought her a pair of flats that say "i love you" that she had told me she wanted. she gives me a hug again... i don't know if she breathed on my neck or her hair tickled my neck but i got goosebumps all over my body and it makes me gasp for air. she made my knees weak. she made my heart want to jump out of my chest and onto her hands. i was hers. i was all hers. every pore on my body, every hair, every freckle... i was hers. nothing was going to change that for at least a year and a half later. i loved her. she was my everything. nothing less than my all.
three weeks later everything changed and she was gone, just like that. not completely, not fully, but she was gone. and i was left, there, with my heart shattered at my feet. i tried picking up the pieces immediately, but it's still incomplete. i'm still incomplete.
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