last night i dreamt i had forgotten my name coz i had sold my soul, but awoke just the same. i wish i was the moon tonight.

"are you okay?" and older looking woman, maybe in her late 50's, asked me. "excuse me?" i replied, but i know what she asked, i was just buying time to answer her question. truth is, i didn't know if i was okay or not. not, probably. "are you okay?" she asked again. "yes, i am, thank you" i replied politely. "you sure? you look on edge, like you're desperate to get off the trolley. that's what your body language tells me." she says to me. and she was right. my heart was in my throat and i was ready to throw it up. just a big chunk of red mass, beating and bleeding at my feet. i was on the edge of my seat, standing completely straight, with my arms straight and my fists on the seat. i immediately sat all the way back. i didn't know what to say so i replied the easiest way "i'm okay, thank you" and i continued to listen to that playlist i've been listening to for two days straight. just 20 songs, over and over again. i couldn't stop my mind from running and it was running fast. faster than my legs have ever moved and faster than my mouth has ever ran. i nervously text her best friend, typing so fast that i leave words out and misspell the ones that did make it into the text. sleep deprivation doesn't help. "i'm at the corner" was my last text. she replies to come in. i push the button for the little green man to signal that it's safe for me to cross the street. he cares. i take long breaths as i walk what seems the longest crosswalk in all of san diego. i take one last deep one as i open the gate. the same gate i made a fool out of myself outside some months ago. i try to take one more before i ring the doorbell but her roommate sees me and opens the door. "i see you" she says. i greet her and she introduces me to her man friend. it's warm inside and i can feel my nerves getting the best of me. i ask where she is, "in her room" she says. she leads me to her room and i walk wobbly behind her. it's after 4:30 pm and the sun is already beginning to set. "aidee is here" she tells her. her room is dark and i see her lying there, with her legs to her chest, in a fetal like position. if my heart wasn't broken before, it was definitely broken now.  she gets up and gives me a hug. "you smell really good" she says. i say thank you, "like laundry" she adds. we sit down in the dark and we talk. i'm not as awkward this time. afterall, i was there to check up on her. and what good would i do if i kept my mouth shut the whole time. i hand her a small, red and white, candy cane and she can't open it, so i open it for her. i wish i had a picture of her trying to open it and the frustration of her face and hands and of her way of eating the candy. it was so sweet for me to witness. she looked divine. she gave a small "mmm" as she ate it. she refused to turn on the light because she had been crying all day and she wasn't wearing makeup and because she said he room was a mess. like i mind if her room is a mess or if she is or isn't wearing makeup. i was just glad to be there. not necessarily under such circumstance, but i was glad she said it was okay for me to come over. i expected a no, and i would have completely understood. i never invite myself over for anything, but i needed to check up on her. but we were there, talking about random things. me always giving her shit about deleting me and the things she does when she's mad at me, something that happens very often. we talked briefly about the night we met and that's always made me happy, "i was really looking forward to that night" she says to me. because she was going to meet me. my heart breaks a little more. i feel like that was the most important day of my life and i fucked it up. i think now, had i acted differently, would things be different? i try not to think about it because i'm already having problems sleeping and this will definitely keep me up all night. we share a few small laughs and it makes me happy. all i can hope for is that the laughs are genuine and she isn't just doing it to please me. we talk for a bit longer. i think it's the longest i've talked to her in person. i hardly open my mouth when she's around because my brains decides to stop working. i ask if i can smell her hair twice and remind her of how creepy i can be. remind her, because she already knows. she gives this little laugh that i've heard before and says yes and moves her head towards me. her hair always smells really nice. she chews on the little wrapper from the candy cane and i take it from her mouth and put it in my pocket. not like she doesn't know i want to keep them. she plays with her hair and i love watching. the room turns darker and darker and we head to the living room where the lights blind me and her roommate and her boy are watching "no reservations". she looks just as beautiful without makeup. we sit on the floor and a few minutes later, she lays down, she checks her cell phone a lot, and i can see part of her stomach and i damn the situation to hell even more now because i can't touch her. i was really glad she was looking away because i couldn't stop staring. she kept rocking her legs side to side and all i wanted was for her knees to touch me, but she never moved them far enough. everytime i see this woman, i am further proved as to why she was so hard to get over and why to this day, she still stings. i am reminded of why i loved her the way i did, for so long, and why i still do. she is nothing less than pure gold. the gold you will most likely never find so when you do, you must hold onto it for dear life or she will slip out of your arms like air, like oxygen. that's what she was to me: oxygen. i needed her love to live and i never did, which is why i say she killed me. how was i not going to be upset that such amazing creature wasn't mine? her laying there reminded me of that and it made me hate everyone who had caused her any harm and any pain because she was terribly sad and that hurt me. i was afraid she would have more company and i was in no mood to meet such person that day or any day after that, so i said i had to go. she walked me out the door and have me a hug. i didn't want to let go. she did something with her head, like she tucked her chin, along with her lips, under my shoulder, and my heart finished breaking. i ask if she needs anything but she says no. i ask if i can kiss her cheek and she gives me that little laugh i love again. i always think that in her head she is saying "oh, aidee" when she gives me that little laugh. she says i can. i kiss her cheek and i wander on through the streets of north park, thinking and thinking. both happy and sad. i love this woman with a love that is bigger than my body and her happiness is all i care about. even if that means i'm shattering mine. i'm okay if she's okay.

"you've got a look i can't describe." -Corinne Bailey Rae

Janelle Monae- Oh, Maker