it's all because of you.

august 15, 2010

ughhhh

BABY WHERE ARE YOU? i hate not being able to talk to you. i am going fucking crazy!!!! especially because you just like disappeared. and i miss you. and i have nothing to do and i hope to god you're just as bored as i am. fnghkjhgjkhdfkljhbgklbjglknjklgngkjvklgjojg i want to send you a thousand messages telling you i miss you.

me: so you're my baby and i'm yours?
you: you were always my baby, aidee.

god, i miss you like crazy today.
it hurts so much i can't breathe

Ingrid Michaelson- I'm Through



i'm going out again tonight
that first time in the longest time
he holds the door and holds my hand
but doesn't feel like you

we laugh at all the people in
the restaurant across from us
he talks a lot but not too much
but doesn't sound like you

it's all because of you that i'm through
it's all because of you that i'm all through

i know there'll come a time again
when everything will fit right in
and i won't have to see your face
in strangers on the street

but i would rather feel the sting
than never to have felt a thing
i'll always know you were the one
to rip me from the ground

it's all because of you that i'm through
it's all because of you that i'm all through

it's all because of you that i'm through
it's all because of you that i'm all through

i love watching you eat.

i promise not to put any ketchup on my burger if we ever eat burgers together again.

i let loss be my guide.

as long as you're around i can't move forward.

a mouthful of diamonds.

sleepy thighs and cigarette eyes
a million sighs

Phantogram- Mouthful Of Diamonds


wake up, you're getting high on your own supply
oh baby, you're still alive when you could've died
the world is not round because of you
you know i'm not around because of you

you've got a mouthful of diamonds
and a pocketful of secrets
i know you're never telling anyone
because the patterns they control your mind
those patterns take away my time
hello, goodbye

wasted you tell the truth when you could've lied
troubles are on the rise cause you're in disguise
and if it isn't me then pack your bags and leave
i wish i could believe
the devils won't take you back out to the salty seas

you've got a mouthful of diamonds
and a pocketful of secrets
i know you're never telling anyone
because the patterns they control your mind
those patterns take away my time
hello, goodbye

i wish i could believe

tell me who i have to be to get some reciprocity.

you're the bass sounding on my speakers
the one that i feel thumping in my stomach
that same one that won't let me process thoughts
and won't let me hear myself speak
you fill the room with a buzz
and bring sound waves to my heart
making it beat to the rhythm of your walk

Lauryn Hill- Ex-Factor


it could all be so simple
but you'd rather make it hard
loving you is like a battle
and we both end up with scars
tell me, who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
see, no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will

is this just a silly game
that forces you to act this way
forces you to scream my name
then pretend that you can't stay
tell me, who i have to be
to get some reciprocity
see, no one loves you more than me
and no one ever will

no matter how i think we grow
you always seem to let me know
it ain't workin'
it ain't workin'
and when i try to walk away
you'd hurt yourself to make me stay
this is crazy
this is crazy

i keep letting you back in
how can i explain myself
as painful as this thing has been
i just can't be with no one else
see i know what we got to do
you let go and i'll let go too
coz no one's hurt me more than you
and no one ever will

care for me, care for me
you said you care for me

there for me, there for me
said you'd be there for me

cry for me, cry for me
you said you'd die for me

give to me, give to me
why won't you live for me

i dreamt about you last night, but i didn't fall out bed twice.

we were laying down somewhere and you said "what hurts is that you never believed me. i told you my heart was inconsistent." then i kissed you and i woke up.

bitter hands.

i associate love with pain.

burning bridges, breaking hearts.

you feed my fascination for legs.
and my magnetism towards brown eyes.

your birthday, my death. your birthday, my life. you, you, you.

we agreed to meet up at one outside the movie theater. the movie started at 1:20. i arrived at 12:30 because i'm a nervous wreck and the thought of being late for our "outing" would most likely make me have a panic attack... not that i wasn't already almost having one. i sat on a bench, listened to my ipod, empire of the sun was and mgmt were on repeat. i couldn't breathe properly so i stood up. no one has ever made me feel this anxious. i paced back and forth for a few minutes. i was trying to shake off the nerves off my hands like sweat. it wasn't happening as successfully as i wanted. we were texting and she was upset about a situation that involved her best friend getting screwed over with rent money. the sun was high and i was wearing all black. time was approximating and then i see her walking towards me. i stood up to greet her. she was wearing a black and turquoise dress and her legs were bare and at that moment i wanted to die. she was on the phone. we hugged. it was her 23rd birthday and she was here, spending a small portion of her busy day with me. just us two. i buy us our movie tickets and we go inside. the theater isn't completely full but i remember her telling me that she didn't want anyone to sit next to us or in front of us. unfortunately, that wasn't a promise i could keep. i ask her if she's going to put her legs up on the seat, since that was the reason why she didn't want anyone in front of us and she gives me those sassy responses i love "everyone's gonna see my vagina" to which i say "you can put your legs on top of mine" and she replies again with her wit "i already knew that was an option". she makes fun of me because i like football and says a certain body wash is a little drop of heaven. i thank the gods that i use the same body wash. for whatever reason, half the world decides to text me that day so i turn it off. the lights begin to dim until it's just the light from the screen. i make sure i have my berry smoothie gum in my pocket and mouth, you know, just in case. the movie starts. this is where things get blurry. i don't remember how far into the movie we were but the most amazing thing happened to me.

i feel her slightly pushing me and i thought that i was invading her armrest, i do that, so i move my arm and when i look to her she is giving me this look... a look i can't describe but a look that to this day, a year and four months later, makes it hard for me to swallow. a look that to this day makes me cry. see, i'm not someone to who love has ever been kind, and later on, i will find out that this wasn't the exception. but at the precise moment, love was kind. no, not kind, love was wonderful. love was my friend, my lover. love was love. because that look she gave me made me feel things i had never felt before. she only looked at me. i was always killed by her eyes and this was the final blow. she gave me that look and slipped her arm under mine and put her hand out for me to hold it. and i did. her pale right hand clasped tightly with mine. the dents on her knuckles looking as precious as ever. i ached badly to kiss it but didn't have the courage to do so, so i rested our hands on my leg. she snuggled my arm and said i smelled good. my heart's never beat this heavy, this intensely, this hard, this fast. someone would think i ran a marathon. from the corner of my eye i could see her crossing and uncrossing her legs and i was going crazy. i was always too shy around her to do anything and i hated myself for it. we held hands for a good while until she let go because hers fell asleep. mine had been asleep for a while but i didn't want to let go. the movie ends and we head out. she has to do something immediately after the movie. i walk her to her car and i offer her some of my berry smoothie gum. she takes a piece and splits it in three. chewing it one piece at a time. i can't help but remember a story she wrote and how she took "small satisfactory bites" i imagined her in the story. we get to her car and she gives me a hug. i love her hugs and she smelled wonderful. i had bought something for her but was embarrassed to give her because i had gotten it in the mail the day before and i didn't wrap it so i tell her and she says she doesn't care. i bought her a pair of flats that say "i love you" that she had told me she wanted. she gives me a hug again... i don't know if she breathed on my neck or her hair tickled my neck but i got goosebumps all over my body and it makes me gasp for air. she made my knees weak. she made my heart want to jump out of my chest and onto her hands. i was hers. i was all hers. every pore on my body, every hair, every freckle... i was hers. nothing was going to change that for at least a year and a half later. i loved her. she was my everything. nothing less than my all.

three weeks later everything changed and she was gone, just like that. not completely, not fully, but she was gone. and i was left, there, with my heart shattered at my feet. i tried picking up the pieces immediately, but it's still incomplete. i'm still incomplete.

delete and rewrite me.

i used to write, to set me free

i used to write for me
then i wrote for you

now, it becomes a burden
so now i don't

because life likes to fuck with me.

the suburbs (continued) played and it was followed by no one's gonna love you.
that is what i call life fucking with me.

je t'adore.

you devil bird
you kill me with words
and i pray to the lords
to find me someone new

fist full of wild flowers hand picked by me.

i think this shows how much i love flowers these days.


cardinal flower- distinction and splendor

red camellia- you're a flame in my heart

red carnation- admiration, my heart aches for you

red chrysanthemum- i love you

cyclamen- resignation and goodbye

daffodil- emblem of annunciation/regard, unrequited love

eglantine- spring and poetry

forget-me-not- faithful love, memories

alyssum- worth beyond beauty

gloxinia- love at first sight

jonquil- violent sympathy and desire, love me, affection returned

larkspur- open heart

calla lily- majestic beauty

magnolia- dignity, splendid beauty

marvel of peru- flame of love

orchid- magnificence, love, beauty, refinement

phlox- sweet dreams

primrose- i cannot live without you, young love

pink & white rose- i love you still and always will

white rose- charm, secrecy, silence, you're heavenly, reverence, humility, youthfulness and innocence

blue salvia- i think of you

smilax- lovely

stock- bonds of affection, you will always be beautiful to me

tulip- symbol of the perfect lover

variegated tulip (red and yellow)- beautiful eyes

red tulip- believe me, declaration of love

viscaria- will you dance with me?

yarrow- healing

pink zinnia- lasting affection

violet- modesty and simplicity

sunflower- loyalty and longevity

you know you're gold.

"you're on a paige high. you are on such a paige high." - omar

yeah, the thing with these is that they come with the worse come downs.

i'm sick, you're tired, let's dance.

maybe i do miss you. i think i just miss how shit was only complicated because we didn't live in the same city. everything else was simple. i miss you writing to me. it made me feel worth something. it made me feel on top of the world. i miss your voice at night. that's what i miss the most. i was thinking of you yesterday and your voice and your stupid laugh while you talked. and how whenever you were going to say something to me you would say "can i tell you something?" or "can i tell you a secret?" and it was never a secret. i miss how silly we were and how into music we were. i wish i still loved you. i wish i could still hurt for you. i wish you never went away.

p.s. not written today.

m lovin'.

while i do the dishes, m love likes to ask me shit.

m love: ugh. i have to ask. it feels weird not. how are you and *****?

aidee: hahaha why do you have to ask??

m love: i don't know, i just do. so what's up?

aidee: nothing. we're facebook friends.

m love: what's that mean?

aidee: it means just that. we're friends on facebook.

m love: ...

aidee: she's my most insane form of self destruction. i'm trying to stop.

m love: you're mine.

aidee: ...

samantha.

the worse thing i could do tonight is go on your page. you seem happy though, and that makes me really glad.

Words can do more than harm, but I still want you to hurt.

I want you to feel like bone marrow extraction. I want it to hurt the same when i rip myself away from you.

my eyes can't look at you any other way.

as much as i hate it
i still smile when i remember your face
and i still close my eyes when i think of your voice
my skin still shrinks when i remember your touch
and these things always happen simultaneously

yo, a ti, siempre te extraño.

i don't believe in "i miss yous" unless they are being said by me.

i wish to have the strength to send you on your way.

you are my ultimate, deadliest form of self destruction
the one that used to taste so sweet
i'd savor it in my mouth
and my taste buds would shrink at its flavor
giving my skin goosebumps
and feeling your touch everwhere
your breath on my neck was a razor on my arm
because you were never mine
but i was yours
you are my sea
but i don't know how swim
you are my earthquake
and i am broken bridge

Nicole Simone- You Got Me


each night and day i find myself making up the ways
that somehow you are worth each thought
i think throughtout my days
coz loving you is hard to do in every single way
how i wish to have the strength to send you on your way
i love you so but let me go this is no way to be
unlock my chains i won't run far just need to feel free
like a king you rule your world and i am but a slave
on my own i'll never leave grew used to being shamed
you have got me
oh you got me
you have got me
you really got me
you have fooled me
how you fooled me
and every day i waste away by loving you
all i see is misery down the road ahead
but silly me cannot believe my eyes but just my head
all the love i have to give is going right to you
how i fear it's running out and soon i will be through
you have got me
oh you got me
you have got me
you really got me
you have fooled me
how you fooled me
and every day i waste away by loving you
and every day i waste away by loving you
and every day i waste away by loving you

call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.

all those stupid, nonsense fights we used to have, used to make me feel slightly important because as long as i was talking to you, i was happy. or so i thought that it made me happy. not anymore. i'm tired of fighting. you're not my girlfriend, i shouldn't have to put up with this shit anymore. i've never mistreated you and i've always talked to you with respect. i don't understand why we keep fighting. you are the only drama i have in my life. it's been this way for 18 months and i have put up with it before, but i won't any longer. i love you but all this little bullshit is only pushing me away. why do you keep pushing me away?

is it because you are certain i'll come back?
don't be so sure about this, darlin', you are very close to pushing me out of your life completely. and i won't come back next time.

i'll be still.

i've been listening to nicole simone for hours now and i was looking through a tumblr page of san diego and it gave me strange nostalgia. as if i wasn't here anymore. like san diego is no longer part of my life. but i am here. in tijuana, but in san diego too. as if this is what it's gonna feel like when i finally get out of here. i am dying to get out of san diego. i want new people. new friendships. a new bed, a new room. different walls to hang up different posters on. i want different covers and blankets to keep me warm at night. i want someone's warmth everyday, without having to sneak her in and out of my house. i want someone to call mine. that i can introduce to strangers and friends and family as my girlfriend. i want someone who will love me and put up with me but someone that doesn't have to put up with me. i promise to be good so you don't have to put up with anything. i don't think i will find anyone in san diego and i am really tired of being alone. i said all i wanted was sex and that is still true. but meaningless sex gets old for me very quickly. it's quite strange that i haven't felt this well, emotionally, in so long and now i am having these strange feelings of sadness that i don't know where they came from.

i can't get out of what i'm into with you.

i long for the day where you aren't even a ghost anymore
and your face doesn't haunt me
but no one important in my life
i long for the day where i don't ever hear from you
and when i do, is because i asked
i've wasted a year and half of my life wanting you
crying for you
wanting to die for you
i'm in the same rut i have been for 18 months
and i feel like once i'm almost out of it you give me a hand and then let me fall back down
i'm really sick of this shit
i am really sick of your shit
but i don't know how to let go

Grizzly Bear- All We Ask


in this old house, i'm not alone
in a bedroom, a telephone

you made the call and i just, stood by
i stripped the sheets and emptied out the sty

and the crowds, they light the carnival
calling us
calling us

and all we want
another voice
to lead us on
lead us on
lead us on

even wasting
the time with you
doesn't matter
if i think it through

you took the car around the bend
and ran it in the ground, let's pretend.

and the crowds, they light the carnival
calling us
calling us

and all we ask
another voice
lead us on
lead us on
lead us on

i can't
get out
of what i'm into
with you

Stars- The Big Fight

how could you do it
i couldn't say
years built on sand
june until may
second to second
lied even while you held my hand

it's death for the living
yes, i am a ghost
the mirror is cloudy
i loved you the most
you threw out the pieces
did things we didn't understand

he doesn't want her but he just won't let her go
she started breaking but she still won't let it show

the clothes in the wardrobe
just send them to me
there's bills her for you
that's cause nothing is free
we build up with things
to make us who we want to be

is she in the background
i just wouldn't know
did i build you a prison
please dont let me go
i've unlocked the doors
but you can't walk away from me

he doesn't want her but he just wont let her go
she started breaking but she still won't let it show
he doesn't want her but he just won't let her go

i wish i was the moon.

i wish i was the moon so i could watch over you as you sleep

so you can look up and see that you aren't alone

to take comfort in me

so i could light your dark at night

i wish i was the moon so i could be beautiful for you

too little, too late.

you are a for sure let down
you are a certain disappointment
you are my toughest lesson never learned

i'm just in awe in what's in front of me.

i want to sip on wine from the dent between your collarbone and shoulder.

we scheme and we scheme but we always blow it.

m love: so your old, girl crazy, lesbian ways are back?
aidee: what old lesbian ways?
m love: yeah, you know, the ones when you wanted to have sex with me anywhere and everywhere. all the time. didn't matter where or who was around. but you also wanted to sleep with every single pretty girl that was around. ... yeah, keep smiling like that. i know that smile.


what the fuck just happened?

The Concretes- Warm Night


follow you down on this warm night
down to a certain color
altough i'll make sure we fall on safe ground
i wouldnt lay your faith in my hands
snare me well with all your charms
bring out some amber to warm me
only kiss me if the light is right
otherwise we'll wait a while

Fiona Apple- I Know

my favorite favorite Fiona Apple song.



so be it, i'm your crowbar
if that's what i am so far
until you get out of this mess

and i will pretend
that i don't know of your sins
until you are ready to confess
but all the time, all the time
i know, i know

and you can use my skin
to bury secrets in
and i will settle you down

and at my own suggestion
i will ask no questions
while i do my thing in the background
but all the time, all the time
i know, i know

baby
i can't help you out
while she's still around

so for the time being
i'm being patient
and amidst the bitterness
if you'll just consider this
even if it don't make sense
all the time, give it time

and when the crowd becomes your burden
and you've early closed your curtains
i'll wait by the backstage door

while you try to find
the lines to speak your mind
and pry it open, hoping for an encore
and if it gets too late
for me to wait
for you to find you love me, and tell me so
it's okay, don't need to say it

last night i dreamt i had forgotten my name coz i had sold my soul, but awoke just the same. i wish i was the moon tonight.

"are you okay?" and older looking woman, maybe in her late 50's, asked me. "excuse me?" i replied, but i know what she asked, i was just buying time to answer her question. truth is, i didn't know if i was okay or not. not, probably. "are you okay?" she asked again. "yes, i am, thank you" i replied politely. "you sure? you look on edge, like you're desperate to get off the trolley. that's what your body language tells me." she says to me. and she was right. my heart was in my throat and i was ready to throw it up. just a big chunk of red mass, beating and bleeding at my feet. i was on the edge of my seat, standing completely straight, with my arms straight and my fists on the seat. i immediately sat all the way back. i didn't know what to say so i replied the easiest way "i'm okay, thank you" and i continued to listen to that playlist i've been listening to for two days straight. just 20 songs, over and over again. i couldn't stop my mind from running and it was running fast. faster than my legs have ever moved and faster than my mouth has ever ran. i nervously text her best friend, typing so fast that i leave words out and misspell the ones that did make it into the text. sleep deprivation doesn't help. "i'm at the corner" was my last text. she replies to come in. i push the button for the little green man to signal that it's safe for me to cross the street. he cares. i take long breaths as i walk what seems the longest crosswalk in all of san diego. i take one last deep one as i open the gate. the same gate i made a fool out of myself outside some months ago. i try to take one more before i ring the doorbell but her roommate sees me and opens the door. "i see you" she says. i greet her and she introduces me to her man friend. it's warm inside and i can feel my nerves getting the best of me. i ask where she is, "in her room" she says. she leads me to her room and i walk wobbly behind her. it's after 4:30 pm and the sun is already beginning to set. "aidee is here" she tells her. her room is dark and i see her lying there, with her legs to her chest, in a fetal like position. if my heart wasn't broken before, it was definitely broken now.  she gets up and gives me a hug. "you smell really good" she says. i say thank you, "like laundry" she adds. we sit down in the dark and we talk. i'm not as awkward this time. afterall, i was there to check up on her. and what good would i do if i kept my mouth shut the whole time. i hand her a small, red and white, candy cane and she can't open it, so i open it for her. i wish i had a picture of her trying to open it and the frustration of her face and hands and of her way of eating the candy. it was so sweet for me to witness. she looked divine. she gave a small "mmm" as she ate it. she refused to turn on the light because she had been crying all day and she wasn't wearing makeup and because she said he room was a mess. like i mind if her room is a mess or if she is or isn't wearing makeup. i was just glad to be there. not necessarily under such circumstance, but i was glad she said it was okay for me to come over. i expected a no, and i would have completely understood. i never invite myself over for anything, but i needed to check up on her. but we were there, talking about random things. me always giving her shit about deleting me and the things she does when she's mad at me, something that happens very often. we talked briefly about the night we met and that's always made me happy, "i was really looking forward to that night" she says to me. because she was going to meet me. my heart breaks a little more. i feel like that was the most important day of my life and i fucked it up. i think now, had i acted differently, would things be different? i try not to think about it because i'm already having problems sleeping and this will definitely keep me up all night. we share a few small laughs and it makes me happy. all i can hope for is that the laughs are genuine and she isn't just doing it to please me. we talk for a bit longer. i think it's the longest i've talked to her in person. i hardly open my mouth when she's around because my brains decides to stop working. i ask if i can smell her hair twice and remind her of how creepy i can be. remind her, because she already knows. she gives this little laugh that i've heard before and says yes and moves her head towards me. her hair always smells really nice. she chews on the little wrapper from the candy cane and i take it from her mouth and put it in my pocket. not like she doesn't know i want to keep them. she plays with her hair and i love watching. the room turns darker and darker and we head to the living room where the lights blind me and her roommate and her boy are watching "no reservations". she looks just as beautiful without makeup. we sit on the floor and a few minutes later, she lays down, she checks her cell phone a lot, and i can see part of her stomach and i damn the situation to hell even more now because i can't touch her. i was really glad she was looking away because i couldn't stop staring. she kept rocking her legs side to side and all i wanted was for her knees to touch me, but she never moved them far enough. everytime i see this woman, i am further proved as to why she was so hard to get over and why to this day, she still stings. i am reminded of why i loved her the way i did, for so long, and why i still do. she is nothing less than pure gold. the gold you will most likely never find so when you do, you must hold onto it for dear life or she will slip out of your arms like air, like oxygen. that's what she was to me: oxygen. i needed her love to live and i never did, which is why i say she killed me. how was i not going to be upset that such amazing creature wasn't mine? her laying there reminded me of that and it made me hate everyone who had caused her any harm and any pain because she was terribly sad and that hurt me. i was afraid she would have more company and i was in no mood to meet such person that day or any day after that, so i said i had to go. she walked me out the door and have me a hug. i didn't want to let go. she did something with her head, like she tucked her chin, along with her lips, under my shoulder, and my heart finished breaking. i ask if she needs anything but she says no. i ask if i can kiss her cheek and she gives me that little laugh i love again. i always think that in her head she is saying "oh, aidee" when she gives me that little laugh. she says i can. i kiss her cheek and i wander on through the streets of north park, thinking and thinking. both happy and sad. i love this woman with a love that is bigger than my body and her happiness is all i care about. even if that means i'm shattering mine. i'm okay if she's okay.

"you've got a look i can't describe." -Corinne Bailey Rae

Janelle Monae- Oh, Maker

my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder.

you: you smell really good. like laundry.

my favorite feet.

to you, once more.

it's fucking crazy, isn't it? how i sit here with numb fingers, typing about how sad i am that you're sad. even after all that's happened in this series of complications between you and i. i care about how well you are more than anything else in my life. i care about your happiness more than i care about my own. and knowing that you're this sad makes me break down into tears. i feel helpless and hopeless. i want you happy. i want you to be happy, not with me, just happy. i want to claw out my skin. i keep grinding my teeth trying to figure out what i can do to make you feel better and i can't think of anything because i can't give him to you. i would if i could. you know i would. i wish i could make this feeling stop for you. i wish i could make this feeling stop for me. i feel so helpless, all i can do is cry because i am not there holding you. because i am not holding your head to my chest telling you things are going to be okay. because i am not shushing you to sleep. because my shirt isn't soaked with your tears. because you falling apart makes me want to fucking die. because i've heard you cry and as beautiful as it is, it's not something you should do. especially not as often. i don't know what else to say and i can hardly see the screen. i just hope you feel better soon. very very soon. and i hope you know that i will always be here for you. no matter what happens, i'll be here.

i'm taking myself to bed before i drive myself insane. just remember how much i care.
good night, paige.

speak slowly, i can't hear you.

if you want to be worshiped, you don't need to look very far.

you look exactly like her in these performances. especially when she looks down.

She & Him- Black Hole


my eyes are so bleary
i guess i'm young but i feel so weary
i've tried to express it
but i think it's all a bore
it's at the heart of me
a very part of me

speak slowly, i can't hear you
my mind keeps spinning closer and closer to the rain on the roof
and the rain in my head, and the things that you said
people take it further ahead
and it just gets so foggy
it's nowhere in here
and it's everywhere else that i don't wanna be
but i'm stuck here getting misty over you


i'm alone on a bicycle for two.

speak slowly, i can't hear you
my mind keeps spinning closer and closer to the rain on the roof
and the rain in my head, and the things that you said
people take it further ahead
and it just gets so foggy
it's nowhere in here
and it's everywhere else that i don't wanna be
but i'm stuck here getting misty over you
i'm alone on a bicycle for two.

the best things in life are free.

the little dents in your knuckles are precious
i want to dig at them gently with my fingers
and the way your jawline curves to your chin is lovely
i love your chipped mint nails
and when they're red or blue or any other color too
i love those two freckles on your lips
and how they're so pink
i find the way you place your hand on your chest, on your mouth, anywhere, divine
and your hair parted to the side

suffering in sinking sand.

i wish i could do something, say something, anything, to make you feel better. when you're sad, i feel like someone's tearing chunks of skin off my body. it makes my day shitty, even if it was an amazing one. i wish i knew how to say pretty things. i really do hope you feel better.

you're death and living reconciled.

you make me want to harm you just so i can take care of you and cure your wounds.
you drive me completely mad.

"feel the fever coming, you're shaking and twitching. you can scratch all over but that won't stop you itching." -Depeche Mode

when our worlds fall apart, when the walls come tumbling in, though we may deserve it, it will be worth it.

i love the way my hands smell after sex

and the way my face feels

and hearts beating rapidly against another's skin

i love those gasps for air

the nails digging in my back as a sign of pleasure

as a sign of "don't stop, i'm here"

i love their taste on my lips

and those beautiful moans

fingers inside girls and then on my mouth

and the way they lick mine [fingers]

the grabbing of sheets in the throes of pleasure

and knees that shake with my breath against bare legs

with cold hands running up skirts

and the pulling of underwear

while toes begin to curl

digging deep in my mattress

the smell of my bed

the smell of my pillows

the smell of my sheets

the smell of my room

their smell

my smell

my hands all over their bodies

over every centimeter

holding their breasts

feeling as their nipples get hard in my mouth

goosebumps of a pleasant touch

licking their legs

the saltiness of their neck

as sweat begins to happen

i love that gentle pulling of hair

and that holding of my cheeks

as they pull me up from in between their legs and kiss me

tasting themselves on my lips

and shoving my nose in arm pits

i love resting legs on my shoulders

and my teeth on their inner thighs

and the thrusting on my mouth

i intertwine their hands with mine

to let them know i am not stopping until i can fully taste them on my tongue

the squeezing of legs as they squirm telling me they want more

those fucking moans

the biting of lips that i can barely catch a glimpse of when i look up

two bodies touching

and the lack of space in between our skin

that not even light can come between it

i love the build up

the looks they send your way while standing by the door

the sitting down and kissing in bed

their soft arms around my neck

the touch of legs that sends electric shocks down your spine

so provocative

so shy

so subtle 

yet so clear

each breath in between kisses deepening

a room filled with nothing but the sound of passionate kissing

and the smacking of lips and dancing of tongues

the heavy breathing and gentle moans

of two people wanting nothing but to be as close as you can physically be to another human being

to be inside

i love the taking off of clothes

i could undress women forever

the violent and urgent unbuttoning of pants

and touching their backs as your pull them off

grasping onto those hips for dear life

and pulling them closer to you

the pulling of shirts over their heads

with their arms stretched up

and their hair getting messy

the undoing of bras while kissing their necks

taking it off by sliding the two straps off their small shoulders

and watching as clothes pile up at our feet

their bodies

their naked bodies

the kissing

the kissing

the kissing

my nerves and excitement leading them to my bed

Depeche Mode- Halo


you wear guilt
like shackles on your feet
like a halo in reverse
i can feel
the discomfort in your seat
and in your head it's worse


there's a pain
a famine in your heart
an aching to be free
can't you see
all love's luxuries
are here for you and me


and when our worlds
they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
it will be worth it


bring your chains
your lips of tragedy
and fall into my arms


and when our worlds they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
it will be worth it


and when our worlds they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
it will be worth it


and when our worlds they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
it will be worth it


and when our worlds they fall apart
when the walls come tumbling in
though we may deserve it
it will be worth it

live forever.

i love this man.

a couple words, a great divide.

you stuck out like naked branches on a tree
you're equally cold
you come at me with a subtle ingenuity
but i know you too well
like engine drivers know their tracks
you're the monsters underneath my bed
the ones i always welcome dearly
you're the nightmares when i day dream
the ones i hold closest to my skin
she who speaks cold words but spits outs fire
i keep warm with her breath
she keeps warm with my words