don't you know that you're my joy? always remember me.

things are different. and it's a scary feeling now. i was used to having people on my mind all day and thinking about it all day and night. i was used to being completely consumed and in a sick way it became part of my body. you weren't just in my thoughts but i felt you in my skin. you hurt in my skin, in my bones. my flesh felt like it was ripping out every time something was said. i felt you in the tips of my fingers and the bottom of my stomach. and there, you too, hurt. a year ago i didn't know that a whole year later i would be writing about you, still. three weeks ago i didn't know i'd be writing about how i can feel the pain going away. see, i thought this pain was endless and somehow, i do think it is. i don't think it will ever completely stop hurting but the intensity of the pain isn't there anymore. or it's there for a moment and then it's gone. i didn't once think about you last night until i was asked about the tension on my shoulders and what was the cause of it. it was assumed, not by me, that a girl is the cause for such knots in my body. and the thing is, i am not sure if this is the cause anymore. i loved you, i still do, with all my heart. i don't think anyone knows the intensity and the amount of love that i have in my body for you. especially you. and maybe i was bad at showing it, but it's there. because your name is on my body written in blood. because i can still feel the goosebumps and your breath on my neck from certain hugs on a certain august day. because i do remember almost everything. even what happened exactly a year ago. i've been trying to rip you out of my body for a year now, but it seems you're slowly walking away. it is scary. it's fucking terrifying thinking that i will now actually have shit to think about and other things to deal with and not my heart ache. i'm afraid but anxious for what comes next. i've spent a year of my life crying for you and i know these are not the last of my tears coming with your name, but i know soon the last tear will be shed and i will look back and really be able to smile when i think about last summer without me crying. i will always love you and adore you, i hope you do know that. what am i supposed to do now that you're not gonna be running around wildly in my heart and thoughts? live, i suppose.

"i've never seen you love anyone the way you love *****." -omar (i never have)