when it's cold, stay warm.

the most priced possession i have is a lock of your hair
i cut it with scissors while you were asleep
and at night when i'm lonely
i smell it, hold my pillow, and weep

Azure Ray- If You Fall

m love.




let's talk and we'll fill the air with imagery that lasts forever
so this is love, that's a lovely thought
you have to care for it to keep it together
if you fall will you get up?
you're stuck in a dream will you wake up?
and if you fell in love will you hold on to it?
and if it's cold will you stay warm?
you drift too far will you swim towards the shore?
and if you fell in love will you hold on to it?
let's just sing and we'll fill the air with melodies that blend together
you speak so sweet with words so delicate
a glass i hope will never shatter
if you fall will you get up?
you're stuck in a dream will you wake up?
and if you fell in love will you hold on to it?
and if it's cold will you stay warm?
you drift too far will you swim towards the shore?
and if you fell in love will you hold on to it?

aching to be free.

nothing tastes better than freedom
i am free
goddamnit, i am fucking free
and no one will ever take this away from me
fuck, i feel amazing
i can sleep now
i can breathe now
i can live now

lend me your eyes i can change what you see.

your eyelashes are miles long
i want to rollerskate on them
and skate right into your eyes
and into oblivion
i'd navigate inside your cornea
to change the light settings
on this cinema of your life
just so i could live right in your retina
and be part of your world
i could never be lost in your eyes
i'd be there willingly
trying to change the way you see me

blah blah blaaaah. bleh.

you. yes, you.

goddamnit, you're addicting.

wordless, watch the soft sky smile.

your hair has grown
it was short the last time we talked
it's been almost a year
i still just kinda miss you
i'm still unsure of these feelings
not for you
just feelings in general
but your hair has grown
and it makes me sad that it's been so long
your hair has grown
i do miss you

ain't no other word.

aidee: omar asked which side of the bed you slept in. and i told him it was the place where he was laying. so he said "oooh, i'm taking m love's place." it was funny when he said it. i told him you were gonna kick his ass.
m love: i love that your friends call me m love.
aidee: a lot of them call you m love.
m love: i love it.

Noisettes- Wild Young Hearts

there really isn't a song out there that makes as much sense as this song.





and while the city sleeps
i won't weep because i didn't keep my boyfriend
and the summer is here again
and the leaves are golden
under the grand silver birch tree

while we're thinking bout the people we meet
dancing feet, wasters on the cover of a magazine
people you've kissed, people you lust
and the ones that you might not
ever remember what's the use

i'm not what i was last summer
not who i was in the spring
tell me, tell me, tell me when will we learn?
we love it and we leave it and we watch it burn
damn these wild young hearts
damn these wild young hearts

now that the city's awake, my heart aches
oh what a silly mistake it seems i've made
you left your keys under my bed
left a thumpin in my head
i would say sorry, what's the use?

cause, i'm not what i was last September
and i don't wear the same robes in may
we know we shouldn't do it, but we do it anyway
we know we might regret it but it seemed okay
damn this wild young heart
damn this wild young heart
damn this wild young heart

if now is forever, then what's to prove?
cause it won't be the same next summer
and i guess i'll see you in the spring
somebody tell me, tell me, tell me, when will i learn
i love it and i leave it and i watch it burn
damn this wild young heart
i told you damn this wild young heart
damn this wild young
tell me, tell me, tell me when will i learn
damn this wild young heart

i'm not what i was last summer, not who i was in the spring.

i'm out of love and out of words. you stopped appearing in my dreams. i no longer breathe your name.

it might be impractical to seek out a new romance. we won't know the actual if we never take the chance. i'd like to collapse with you and ease you against this song.

i love how you immediately put your arms around my neck even before we began kissing. and our holding of hands. and wearing that dress in my presence should be fucking illegal. i am in love with your neck. jesus.


favorite conversation of the night:

aidee: me gusta tu cuello. le puedo dar un beso?
D: claro.
* beso su cuello*
D: asi de poquito? (mueve su cabeza para que lo bese de nuevo.)
* beso su cuello*

damn this wild young heart.

i carved your name across my eyelids. you pray for rain, i pray for blindness.

my arms were wrapped around your body
not nearly enough as i would have liked
my hand was intertwined with yours even less
however, these hands, the ones that touched your briefly
wanted to give you everything they could
and touch you for eternity
i would have nailed them to a cross
all you had to do was say so
i would have slammed a door against each finger on them
all you had to do was ask
your name is on my veins
your face is on my eyelashes
your voice is on my lips
your taste is on my tongue
your breath, i feel it on my neck
being tickled by your hair
your skin is on my fingers
and your scent is on my skin
my skin should be buried deep inside your fingernails
i ripped my heart out for you
i ripped my heart out because of you
i ripped my heart out and gave it to you
i ripped my heart out and you didn't want it
i'll rip it again
it's here
it's in my hands
take it when you want it
if ever

Depeche Mode- Only When I Lose Myself

i can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear. there’s a feeling of contentment now that you are here. i feel satisfied i belong inside your velvet heaven.

Fiona Apple- Oh Well

what you did to me made me see myself something different
and though i try to talk sense to myself
but i just won't listen

won't you go away
turn yourself in
you're no good at confession
before the image that you burned me in
tries to teach you a lesson

what you did to me made me see myself something awful
a voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
it took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
i spent all i had to get it back, and now it seems i've been out-bidded

my peace and quiet was stolen from me
when i was looking with calm affection
you were searching out my imperfections

what wasted unconditional love
on somebody
who doesn't believe in the stuff

you came upon me like a hypnic jerk
when i was just about settled
and when it counts you recoil
with a cryptic word and leave a love belittled

oh what a cold and common old way to go
i was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

what wasted unconditional love
on somebody
who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh well

oh well.

m love: did you tell her i saw her?
aidee: why would i tell her?
m love: i don't know, i told you. i think she would have told you if she saw me or if one of your friends saw someone you knew. i know you'd tell omar if you saw someone he knows.
aidee: well yeah, but i don't know. i was gonna be there too and yeah. but no, i didn't tell her. i didn't think i had to. she might have even seen you too and just either not known it was you or something or just decided not to say anything.
m love: you're so frustrating sometimes.
aidee: i know, you're not the first one to say that to me.
m love: she's really pretty.
aidee: i know that too.

i'll drown in my tear storming sea.

as i lay listening to the timid waves
my thoughts drift like the smell of fresh cake out of the oven
while the sand feels like a baby's cheek inbetween my toes
and the smell of the sea wants to soothe my soul
i wanna be the blood that pumps to your heart
and the thoughts that roam around your head
if i could be anything in the world i'd be the freckles on your lips
i'd be kissing you for a lifetime
because when your hand sits on mine, i lose my breath
and i can't help but pull my hair out of desperation
and pinch the insides of my thighs out of frustration
and punch my face out of boredom
because you were never mine
and i carved your name on my arms out of love
out of pain
out of hate
i hate myself for having your name on my body
because you just left scratches on my heart
and on my soul

Camera Obscura- Honey In The Sun

when i said i didn't love you i told a lie. because there is no one above you, though i try.

it's bound to melt your heart.

m love addressed this issue at lunch/dinner/whatever today.


m love: you know, the other day you spent the night at my house?
aidee: yes. why?
m love: i got up to move my car so my parents could leave, do you remember?
aidee: i think so. yeah, i do coz i remember seeing you walk away. you took forever, by the way.
m love: yeah yeah. okay, well when i came back you were in a deep sleep already and you were hugging my pillow. i've never seen anyone hug a pillow so tightly.
aidee: it was probably because it smelled like you.
m love: maybe. i don't think so.

i'll kiss you again between the bars.

white crows
black doves
i'm dreaming you like ghosts
because you're not here
but in my heart
but i am blind to your face
and deaf to your voice
and your skin i miss the most
but i can't taste your lips
or smell your hair
and my bed feels empty
even when someone's there

Elliott Smith- Waltz #2

i'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow.




not anymore, anyway.

tu mano en la mia.

you left your footprints all over my hands.

it's too much to feel.

my heart feels like a hollow drum
and it beats exactly the same
but my soul is like a garden
full with colorful flowers
withering without your nose to smell them with
like an abandoned cemetery
where the dead roam my corpse
and you can see my ghost
hovering over the epitaph of our relationship
carved on the ground
and tattooed on my heart

walking across empty land.

i can smell you in my pillowcase
but you were never here
and i still feel you on my lips
even if they only touched yours for a second
when they touched
my knees were crushed with hammers
and since i've lived on them from that moment on
i kiss the floor you walk on

you're the tear that hangs inside my soul forever.

and i miss you. and i hadn't missed you this much in a few months and right now, i am dying because i miss you so damn much. i don't know exactly what it is i miss, i just miss you. i miss you terribly.

you brought me to my knees.

missing my world.

warm nights.

prepare to run away with these hands
and immerse your legs in the depth of mine
where the shallow glows with dreams
and the rain always hits
but a light always burns bright

i go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me.

my days consist of 10 minute naps and daydreaming about you.

calculation theme.

i have a feeling that we will be in the same place tomorrow. i'm dying of nerves, but deep down inside i hope i run into you. even if i know my heart will drop.

tethered and tied, there's nowhere to hide.

sometimes i don't know what anything means but i understand because life doesn't make sense most of the time.

omar, i miss you.

my knees are cold.

your hands feel like the wind across my face
soft and cool
i want nothing but them running down my legs
your body is the blueprint of the most magnificent building
and your eyes the clearest of mirrors where i see myself for the rest of my poor existence
you, the most beautiful creature this putrid planet has given birth to
how can there be this much beauty?
have we ever seen such?
will we ever?
you light up my world
my sun
and at night when it's dark and i'm afraid, you're my stars and you are my moon
your love is my lungs
it gives me the ability to breath
without you i won't survive

air- playground love.

i'm a high school lover
and you're my favorite flavor
love is all, all my soul
you're my playground love

yet my hands are shaking
i feel my body remains
time's no matter, i'm on fire
on the playground, love.

you're the piece of gold the flashes on my soul.
extra time on the ground.
you're my playground love.

anytime, anywhere,
you're my playground love.

i write to remember.

if i had the chance, i'd never let you go.

your thighs wear my lip gloss
and my fingers grow your hair
and in your eyes i see a picture of us
reflected in a shallow shadow
when you were my mermaid
and i was your sea

a postcard from tijuana.

i can't control who i love, so don't blame me when i love you for this long.

"que bonito es el amor, pero que feo verdad, aidee? cuando no es correspondido te hace mucho daño."

- my mom to me right this moment.

momentarily she brings peace to me.

: you know i'm not a lonely person, right?
(with a confused look): yeshhh. i know you're not a lonely person. why?
: because i don't want you to think i'm with you because i'm lonely.
: why are you even thinking about this?
: because i'm not a lonely person. but the other day i was with my friend's friends and they all have someone. and they were trying to set me up with a girl or lady. she looked older than me. much older so i don't know but i felt alone. there were at least 10 people plus this woman and me. and i felt alone. and it's happened recently that i've felt alone. i don't like the word lonely but that's how i have felt recently with most people. sometimes even with some of my friends. and then i'm with you, in a room, by ourselves, with some moments of nothing but silence and i feel ...what's the opposite of lonely.
: umm... not lonely?
: well, whatever it is. i never feel alone with you, i feel at peace. with warmth and comfort. you give the warmest hugs. i know that i can feel like shit and i know a hug from you will make it less shitty. but it's not because i'm lonely.
: por que eres tan bonita?
: callate.
: callame con un beso.
: okay.

*we kiss*

: don't think i'm telling you this because i want someone to be with. i love being with you like this. and it's not because i'm lonely. ugh. well i'm just letting you know and i wanted to clear this up but i don't think i did.
: haha shut up and kiss me.

what's good for your soul will be bad on your nerves if you reverse it.

i don't know how to feel. i am sick to my stomach with confusion with these fucking demons that go back and forth in my head. who are yearning to get out but i can't let them out. i ache to throw them up. i want to see them in a puddle at my feet but it's all in my head. they're still in here and they're very much alive. it's almost like they're laughing at me for fucking with my head and for me to continually let them take over my day. they've made their shelter on my shoulders and a playground in my head.

a heart just fell apart in pain.

if i hate you, it's probably because i love you too much that i have to reverse my emotions to make myself feel better. most of the times it doesn't work because i could never hate you. i love you that much.

i like my women like i like my wine. expensive.

i have expensive taste in women. the women i am attracted to are the kind of women you NEVER see with mediocre girls like me. they're these exquisitely shaped women, with the most beautiful faces. usually with long locks of dark hair that gets lost in the night and you want to get lost in it as well. with the most amazing personalities. so intelligent. with a wit faster than a draw of guns in a duel on the west side. always with a skill, usually a skill of some art form and these women are the ones i keep the closest to my heart. they're goddess-like. they should all be queens and i'd be their faithful and loyal peasant, always at their feet and doing it with great pleasure. and how does a peasant get a queen? well, i don't know, but when i do, i will make sure i don't lose her this time.

uneasy.

i hate this feeling of uneasiness i'm feeling at the moment. something is bothering me but i don't know what it is. it's making me short of breath and making my skin itch. it feels like someone added some weights to what i thought was a lighter heart. i'm assuming it's just one of those days. goddamnit, go away.

the kills cover of patsy cline's crazy.

crazy
i'm crazy for feeling so lonely
i'm crazy
i'm crazy for feeling so blue
i knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
and then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
worry
why do i let myself worry?
wondering
what in the world did i do?
crazy
for thinking that my love could hold you
i'm crazy for trying
i'm crazy for crying
and i'm crazy for loving you

building bridges.

i'm building a bridge. a strong, thick, bridge made of the strongest steel and concrete. it will be built above water so everyone knows how confident i am about my bridge. it will take me years to finish building it and a lot of hard work, but it will be built. see, i've been trying to build one for almost a year now, but a certain earthquake keeps making its shitty built pillars come crashing down with even the weakest of magnitude. but i think it's done all the damage it could have. destroyed all that needed to be destroyed and left little after effects that gave my little bridge an extra little kick to make sure it had really been vanished. all this earthquake could do, was done. but i think this earthquake has gone, so i'm starting off again. except this time, this bridge has nothing to lose because all it could lose, was already lost when the earthquake hit. so i'm beginning with new equipment and a new attitude. i will, however, build this with the same heart, just different courage. and i'm building it now because i know there's bound to be another earthquake out there, waiting to wreck my shit. and i want to make sure that next time any earthquake hits, it doesn't take me with it. because i still feel the little aftershocks from the last one.

quisiera.

my feet are back on the sky
along with the thoughts of your hair
and the light in your fiery stare
that dismantles me with one single look
you're so beautiful, i could write a book
just about your big brown eyes
and about all your little lies
coz anywhere you go you light up rooms
and it makes me feel like i'm on shrooms
or some other kind of drug
like one you can find in a mug
or with silvery ashes
in crystal ashtrays
and make limbs feel numb
and make me feel even more dumb

be comfortable, creature.

a summer for mended hearts for all. i am no longer hiding from the sun. i will let the rays hit my back and feed my skin with vitamin D. and finally watch as girls in sunglasses have their sundresses waltz wildly with the wind while i just sit back and smile. these are the days when it'll be too hot for me to straighten my hair so i will let it flow freely. days when i will stroke it back with my hand so it's out of my face. days when you'll always see me squinting, even with sunglasses. when i will get wrinkles on my eyes from all the laughing and smiling i did in the sun. i'll finally smile in the dark too. i long for days when i grab my nape and bite my lip because a super pretty girl is around and making me nervous. days of shorts that expose my pale legs above my knee and v necks that show a little cleavage and taller girls who can look down my shirt. i'll be barefoot 90 percent of the time. i want to keep my room clean and spray it with a summery fragrance. and walk half naked around my house with a cigarette in hand. i'm gonna drink beer at ten in the morning and smoke cigarettes that make silhouettes of women and blow out rings of smoke that i can fit into girls' fingers. i'll be drunk by four and be sober by eight just to get drunk again at eleven and stay drunk until four in the morning. i'm gonna drink and fuck until i can no longer remember certain things. certain faces and certain names. and wake up hungover and sore. and not give a fuck about my hair being a mess. and kiss as many girls as i can and be creepy to them and write about them. and go to all the concerts i can afford. and go to the beach at five in the morning, half drunk, and watch as the sea and its waves soothes all our souls while we wait for sunrise. nights where my brothers and i will jump in our little plastic pool at midnight just because we can. i won't sleep but not because i can't stop thinking, but because i am "dancing and laughing and finally living". i am gonna write about certain people. and laugh about the same and smile and cry some more and cry out of joy at the end. i will taste my tears and they will no longer taste like the sea, but sweet. days when i can finally breathe. it started today.

"move your feet from hot pavement and into the grass." -arcade fire

it almost seems like i don't want you out. i think i'm just scared.

don't you know that you're my joy? always remember me.

things are different. and it's a scary feeling now. i was used to having people on my mind all day and thinking about it all day and night. i was used to being completely consumed and in a sick way it became part of my body. you weren't just in my thoughts but i felt you in my skin. you hurt in my skin, in my bones. my flesh felt like it was ripping out every time something was said. i felt you in the tips of my fingers and the bottom of my stomach. and there, you too, hurt. a year ago i didn't know that a whole year later i would be writing about you, still. three weeks ago i didn't know i'd be writing about how i can feel the pain going away. see, i thought this pain was endless and somehow, i do think it is. i don't think it will ever completely stop hurting but the intensity of the pain isn't there anymore. or it's there for a moment and then it's gone. i didn't once think about you last night until i was asked about the tension on my shoulders and what was the cause of it. it was assumed, not by me, that a girl is the cause for such knots in my body. and the thing is, i am not sure if this is the cause anymore. i loved you, i still do, with all my heart. i don't think anyone knows the intensity and the amount of love that i have in my body for you. especially you. and maybe i was bad at showing it, but it's there. because your name is on my body written in blood. because i can still feel the goosebumps and your breath on my neck from certain hugs on a certain august day. because i do remember almost everything. even what happened exactly a year ago. i've been trying to rip you out of my body for a year now, but it seems you're slowly walking away. it is scary. it's fucking terrifying thinking that i will now actually have shit to think about and other things to deal with and not my heart ache. i'm afraid but anxious for what comes next. i've spent a year of my life crying for you and i know these are not the last of my tears coming with your name, but i know soon the last tear will be shed and i will look back and really be able to smile when i think about last summer without me crying. i will always love you and adore you, i hope you do know that. what am i supposed to do now that you're not gonna be running around wildly in my heart and thoughts? live, i suppose.

"i've never seen you love anyone the way you love *****." -omar (i never have)