the sun turned her brown hair red.

we lay in bed. well, she slept. i laid there at 5am, trying to go back to sleep but the images of what had just happened and the racing of my heart had devoured any hint of sleepiness. life was surreal, but when isn't it? it was both good and bad. good for the little moments. the moments of joy like this one, when i was with her. but what happened to the other 26 days of the month? well, i was miserable. every minute she wasn't around, whether in my presence, or online or with someone i knew, i couldn't help but think she was fucking someone else. the thought of that killed me and always managed to shit on my few good days. she was sleeping. no girl has ever looked as beautiful sleeping as she did. sleeping beauty had nothing on her. she was giving me her naked back. her head resting on my favorite pillow. i was excited that maybe her scent might be impregnated on that pillow, the one i usually sleep on. i laid on my back thinking, just thinking, the sun was almost out and light came in through the window. everytime i looked to her side i had to fight an urge to kiss her pale and soft back, to not wake her up and creep her out. i just wanted to hold her and kiss her. i wanted to smell her hair and look at her. who needed sleep? not me. why would i want to spend the very few minutes i had with her with my eyes closed? blinking became my enemy because it was a second wasted of not seeing her. fuck sleep and fuck blinking too. she rearranged her head and let out a soft little moan followed my a long sigh, she did this everytime i looked to her, like she knew i was looking at her. even to this day i can hear it perfectly. i remember everything of this day with explicit detail. the setting of the sun and the sunrise, the way the clouds formed over my house. how the wind blew and the birds chirped. what we were both wearing. the smell of the grass and the trees. everything. i closed my eyes quickly and pretended to sleep, again, the last thing i wanted was to creep her out and God knows i'm really good at that. by the time the sun came out her hair changed color. i've always loved the way her hair looks in the sun, it reminds me of summer. i lay frustrated not being able to see her face and even more, not being able to touch her. eventhough we had cuddled, she had turned the other way so i didn't know what was appropriate. i suck at these things , with me, things like these are never simple because i think too much and rejection scares the shit out of me. i wish i could just hold her and deal with the consequences, but i couldn't. i'm a coward. i always have been. i had been awake all morning and at the late hours of the morning i heard a vibrating sound, i thought maybe it was my phone but mine was off. it was hers. the vibration was driving me crazy, not so much the sound but i assumed it was a call or text from one of all those boys that wanted her. it terrified even more thinking that out of all those boys, this was a text from the one boy she wanted. i wish i could throw her phone out my window and have a trash truck drive over it. that made me smile. i get out of bed really slowly to not wake her up and casually look over to see if i can see who it is or what it was. i trip on one of her flats. i like the way her clothes decorate my bedroom floor. they looked like flower petals leading to somewhere, that somewhere being my bed. i put some pants on and without taking off my shirt, i put my bra on and caught a glimpse of her purple underwear sitting on the edge of the bed. i was dying to smell them. i wanted to get down on all fours and smell them the same way crackwhores snort cocaine off the concrete. then i remembered my hands were soaked with her womanhood. i wish i could keep this smell in a glass jar and take a whif of it every chance i got. her scent was my sniffing of glue. i could not stop smelling my hands they exuded everything that was her and it was amazing. they've never smelled better. this was better than any perfume any retail store carried. i'd sell and spend everything i could to get my hands on a bottle of this scent. i can still smell her. i climbed back into bed and laid as close as i could without invading her space. she must have felt me because she scooted backwards towards me. her butt was touching the upper part of my thighs. i gently slid my arms under hers and she moves it up to make sure my arm fits in the space between her arm and her stomach. we cuddle. i wished someone just came and killed me. i wish she'd kill me. again.