dime que vez.

your gaze is disarming, but i was already naked.

the shattered soul, following close but nearly twice as slow.

i wanted to trace the lines of your palm with my fingers all day. and hang out in my bed listening to music and play with your hair all night. and smell your neck and tickle your armpits with my nose and breath. and tease you about past shit just so you could give me that look and smile you give me when i tease you. i'd love a picture of that look. i wanted to count the freckles on your nose and kiss the ones on your lips and play connect the dots with the ones all over your body. the final image would be you, it would be *****. i wanted to draw on your knees with just my hands. and spell out your name and mine. i wanted to lay on my stomach and devour you with my eyes, and hold you with my soul and love you with my heart. i wanted to listen to your breathing and rest my head on your chest so i can listen to your heart beat. and feel your warmth and goosebumps when i kiss your neck and legs. i wanted to be the reason your skin shrunk. the reason you cry and especially the reason you smiled. i'd rip out my ribcage and build you a home with it if it meant you'd be with me.

thieves like us.

after a long and stupid night, i managed to go to sleep and i dreamt with JL again. the dreams i have that involve her are always the most vivid. they're the ones i remember like if they had actually happened. stop appearing in my dreams if you refuse to talk to me, please. i don't wish to see your face if we can't even be friends. but i was happy you were there though, because i do love your face.

june 22, 2011. 10:54 pm

this picture wasn't meant to look like this. i forgot to change the settings on my phone's camera. but this was exactly what i was looking at and how i was seeing the tree.

te tengo en el fondo de mi corazon, aparte de todos.

Junio 24, 2011. 8:32 am.

y estoy feliz por ti. lo estoy. pero eso no quiere decir que no este triste por mi misma. eso no quiere decir que no me ahogue en llanto cada vez que puedo. quiero ahogar mis penas en mi almohada pero la almohada no se llena. las absorbe solamente. quiero que deje de doler. esto que siento no es culpa tuya, ya no, si no mia. por que ah pasado tanto tiempo y no puedo dejar de amarte. por que veo tu cara y me quiero morir. por que se que eres feliz, pero no soy la razon. nunca fui algo ni alguien importante para it. nunca lo sere. pero no por que yo no fui nada para ti, no quiere decir que tu no lo hayas sido para mi. eras, y sigues siendo, lo unico que quiero. a quien yo he amado con todo. contigo mi corazon no solamente estaba en mi manga, pero en las puntas de mis dedos. en las uñas como la mugre que se entierra en ellas. alli estaba, alli lo tenia contigo. no hubieron paredes para no dejarte que entraras. el dia que te conoci, cualquier barrera que tenia se derrumbo en mis pies, y con ella me fui yo, callendo a tus pies. no hay manera de explicar, de describir lo has sido para mi. no lo hay, ni demostrarlo tampoco. me dueles, me dueles como si fuera agosto 31. asi me duele. ya no quiero llorarte, ya no quiero amarte, pero no se como dejar de hacerlo. no hay nadie que se compare contigo. el mundo queda corto comparado contigo y con lo hermosa que eres. no hay nada que yo quiera mas que a ti. no hay nada ni nadie que pueda tener o hacer para que el corazon deje de pesarme. no pido nada mas que te evaporices de mi corazon. poder estar feliz por tu relacion sin que yo tenga que sufrir las consecuencias. nunca seras mia, eso me queda claro, solo quiero dejar de amarte. eso es todo. enseñame a odiarte.

i whistle and i run.

my mornings for the past seven months have consisted of hangovers, sex and breakfast, with the occasional crying because i've had a heartfull of bricks. however, these cries have been mine and my crying doesn't hurt me. i've been up since 5:30 am and i woke up to my mother crying. see, my dad left. when they told us he was leaving last night my heartful of bricks got outweighed by a heartful of tons of concrete. because seeing my brothers and my mother cry the way they were crying last night breaks my heart more than any girl in the world is capable of. i saw my younger brother, always so strong, at 14 standing 5'8, with his hands in his pockets and his head down, crying, his big brown eyes filled with tears. no matter how often he wiped his eyes, they kept coming and had no signs of stopping any time soon. then i saw my youngest brother, who we think doesn't give a shit about anything, with his already sad eyes, wiping and wiping and wiping. i've never truly understood what having a shoulder to lean on meant, until last night. her rested his head on my shoulder and all i could do was hug him tightly. then my younger brother looked to me for comfort as well. my neck was soaked with their tears. and now my mom this morning, crying, because her husband has left. i am sick of fucking people. i am sick and tired of this bullshit. i can take fucking girls telling me that they fucking love me and not meaning it. i can, but i can't take my brothers or my mom crying or hurting the way they are. i don't care that they're getting divorced, i don't. i care about how i'm gonna have to see all three of them cry endlessly and not be able to do anything. i've been avoiding the internet for a reason, and that is to not read anything that will hurt. and today, that pain ceases to matter because now i have three hearts that need to get taken care of. i have no one to go to. i have to be the strong one, but i am not strong enough to not crumble seeing their beautiful faces cry.

laberintos eternos.

your eyes are a labyrinth, and i'll walk blindfolded.

she's my earthquake and a beautiful one.

el sonido de tus gemidos mojados en mi oido
suenan como el estrellar de las olas con las piedras
son sensual y relajante a la vez
hacen que mi naturaleza de mujer te quiera devorar y dejarte seca
que es estes sumergida and sudor
y te mueras y revivas con mis besos
que despues de alli no puedas vivir sin ellos
que mis brazos sean tu hogar
y tu pecho my almohada
y tu pelo mi cobija
quisiera morir besandote
amandote
tocandote
oliendote
escuchandote
mirandote
cuando nos besemos, veeme a los ojos
que me quiero perder en tu mirada
nunca buscare salida
eres mi terremoto
el terremoto mas hermoso que ha exisitido
tu mirada y tu sonrisa son la razon por la que vivo

good night.

i couldn't sleep. i tossed and turned and flipped my pillow and put an arm under it then moved it. laid on my stomach, on my back, on my side. laid on the foot of the bed. covered myself with three blankets, two, one, with nothing. put some socks on because i had heard that if your feet are warm it's easier to fall asleep. nothing. so i took them back off. put some pants on, changed my shirt. turned the radio on, turned if off. counted sheep, goats, cows. counted my own hair. counted to 100, 200, 400. cracked my knuckles, wrists, ankles, toes, knees, jaw. tapped my feet. i tried to write and i read. i breathed heavily and then lightly. i smoked a cigarette and played with the ashes on the ashtray, writing your name with finger. i laid back down and stared at the ceiling for hours. it was 4am and all i wanted was to sleep. and then i realized i couldn't sleep because you never said good night.

lydia.

and then i met lydia. who looks like a slightly less pretty version of her. i saw her from behind first. and my heart stopped and i got a lump in my throat. and i stood there silently for a few minutes, i didn't even blink. even the music seemed muffled in my thoughts. all i could do was gulp. even from a profile i thought she was HER. especially her arms. the same skin tone, the same shape. her glasses and they way she had her hair. her clothes and her purse are something i could see her wearing. the way they fit. even the way she held her purse, i could have sworn it was her. and then she turned around and she wasn't her. and i was relieved and at the same time bummed out. i ran into her in the bathroom and told her how pretty she was. she is. she's beautiful. i wonder how she is, personality wise. i wonder since she looks so much like her, if her personality is the same. i want to get to know her, as a friend. only because i want to know how alike they are, if at all. and because i was in love with her before she turned around.

the sun turned her brown hair red.

we lay in bed. well, she slept. i laid there at 5am, trying to go back to sleep but the images of what had just happened and the racing of my heart had devoured any hint of sleepiness. life was surreal, but when isn't it? it was both good and bad. good for the little moments. the moments of joy like this one, when i was with her. but what happened to the other 26 days of the month? well, i was miserable. every minute she wasn't around, whether in my presence, or online or with someone i knew, i couldn't help but think she was fucking someone else. the thought of that killed me and always managed to shit on my few good days. she was sleeping. no girl has ever looked as beautiful sleeping as she did. sleeping beauty had nothing on her. she was giving me her naked back. her head resting on my favorite pillow. i was excited that maybe her scent might be impregnated on that pillow, the one i usually sleep on. i laid on my back thinking, just thinking, the sun was almost out and light came in through the window. everytime i looked to her side i had to fight an urge to kiss her pale and soft back, to not wake her up and creep her out. i just wanted to hold her and kiss her. i wanted to smell her hair and look at her. who needed sleep? not me. why would i want to spend the very few minutes i had with her with my eyes closed? blinking became my enemy because it was a second wasted of not seeing her. fuck sleep and fuck blinking too. she rearranged her head and let out a soft little moan followed my a long sigh, she did this everytime i looked to her, like she knew i was looking at her. even to this day i can hear it perfectly. i remember everything of this day with explicit detail. the setting of the sun and the sunrise, the way the clouds formed over my house. how the wind blew and the birds chirped. what we were both wearing. the smell of the grass and the trees. everything. i closed my eyes quickly and pretended to sleep, again, the last thing i wanted was to creep her out and God knows i'm really good at that. by the time the sun came out her hair changed color. i've always loved the way her hair looks in the sun, it reminds me of summer. i lay frustrated not being able to see her face and even more, not being able to touch her. eventhough we had cuddled, she had turned the other way so i didn't know what was appropriate. i suck at these things , with me, things like these are never simple because i think too much and rejection scares the shit out of me. i wish i could just hold her and deal with the consequences, but i couldn't. i'm a coward. i always have been. i had been awake all morning and at the late hours of the morning i heard a vibrating sound, i thought maybe it was my phone but mine was off. it was hers. the vibration was driving me crazy, not so much the sound but i assumed it was a call or text from one of all those boys that wanted her. it terrified even more thinking that out of all those boys, this was a text from the one boy she wanted. i wish i could throw her phone out my window and have a trash truck drive over it. that made me smile. i get out of bed really slowly to not wake her up and casually look over to see if i can see who it is or what it was. i trip on one of her flats. i like the way her clothes decorate my bedroom floor. they looked like flower petals leading to somewhere, that somewhere being my bed. i put some pants on and without taking off my shirt, i put my bra on and caught a glimpse of her purple underwear sitting on the edge of the bed. i was dying to smell them. i wanted to get down on all fours and smell them the same way crackwhores snort cocaine off the concrete. then i remembered my hands were soaked with her womanhood. i wish i could keep this smell in a glass jar and take a whif of it every chance i got. her scent was my sniffing of glue. i could not stop smelling my hands they exuded everything that was her and it was amazing. they've never smelled better. this was better than any perfume any retail store carried. i'd sell and spend everything i could to get my hands on a bottle of this scent. i can still smell her. i climbed back into bed and laid as close as i could without invading her space. she must have felt me because she scooted backwards towards me. her butt was touching the upper part of my thighs. i gently slid my arms under hers and she moves it up to make sure my arm fits in the space between her arm and her stomach. we cuddle. i wished someone just came and killed me. i wish she'd kill me. again.

the best dreams are made of this.

"wrap my dreams around your thighs."

you're the curses through my teeth.

i was sitting on the curb of some corner. outside of a venue of some show. at a place i didn't even know existed with a man i had just met but had hated for some time and my best friend of ten years. i was sobbing, not crying, and throwing up the beer and that piece of shit of cheap liquor i had forced my stomach to keep in place. the alcohol i had thrown up made a little river all the way down the dirty streets of kensington. i was now paying the consequences of keeping too much inside, alcohol and my feelings as well. "i'm so stupid, i'm so stupid" i kept repeating over and over, crying and covering my face with my hands simultaneously. my nose clogged and my stomach ejecting all the booze i had taken. i kept throwing my phone on the concrete while my best friend threw his to prove a point then continued to comfort me and his phone as well. "you're not stupid, you had too much to drink. it happens" he said. "i'm sorry, tell her i'm sorry" i said sorry the whole night, to everyone. "what are you sorry for? you didn't do anything." he repeated. she said the same thing but i'm stubborn and in my mind i had nearly killed someone. what was i sorry for? i don't know, but i was.

in the white of her palm is your heart.

i can feel the hatred creeping in
and my heart crushing in between the knuckles of your right hand, the same one i held
along with ruptured veins that scream your name
and collapsing lungs that breathed you in
drowning me in pink water

for me, it's always you.

in the depth of the night the moon gave birth to the shadow of a silhouette reflecting on the corner of my eyes and the bottom of my soul. thirsty for tears and hungry for hearts. wolves don't howl at the moon, they howl for you and i do too.

nombres.

names that pop out everywhere drive me nuts. i had never even heard that name until i saw charmed, then again for the second time a million years later, now it's like it follows me.

you burn and burn to get under my skin.

i can't write.



shit.