cups.

it's like tapping my foot rapidly.

"don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem, baby girl."

catastrophes
and wannabes
my twisted hands
and broken knees
like leaves
and trees
like october breeze
my heart's
your heart
but really mine
but always yours
and cracking floors
and busted lips
like trips
and whips
my lungs collapse
and i relapse
these arms are traps
like bottle caps
and treasure chests
where my head rests
i know i'm a pest
you don't have to say the rest
i built a nest
went on a quest
i failed
i nailed
my foot to the concrete
with big defeat
i'm left on the street
left for dead
and full of deceit
my hair's a mess
my heart feels less
my fingers creak
against the weak
and the city reeks
of unwanted freaks
my bruised body
and beaten soul
with sticks and stones
you cannot hurt
but words distort
my remaining sanity
like flesh eating vanity
and rotten teeth cavity
water cascades
down like shades
of branches hit by wind
i wish my name were lauren hynde



"i know if destiny's kind, i've got the rest of my mind."

nothing fancy.

I'm writing this through my phone and I'm only writing because I have a weird feeling about today. I woke up from a shitty nap at 8:30am and I thought, "okay, I'll go into work early and leave early." But I don't know, I felt weird about it. Like something was telling me not to go to work early, so I decided to trust whatever that was and went to work at my scheduled time. As I went to catch my bus, it was late by more than 10 minutes, something that rarely happens. This feeling has been with me the whole day and it's driving me crazy. I feel gray, not blue or black but gray. My mom texted me to come home already and I don't know. I am only writing this because in a way I feel like maybe I am gonna die soon. Maybe even today. Or something shitty is gonna happen. I don't know but I hate this feeling. It's not a good one. Very few have my blogspot and even fewer read it. In a way this is kind of a goodbye letter? I don't know. And if I wasn't at work i'd probably break down in tears right now because there is so much I want and have to say to so many people and I feel like I might not have the time to do it. I don't know if I'm scared or not, but I think I am. If you read this, and by you I mean you, I hope you know how much I love you and how I never stopped. If omar reads this, I love you to death and no one has shown me better things and a better friendship than you. If no one reads this, I just want to make it clear that I love my mom and dad and my leopard and my rubber ducky like no one else. I guess that's it for now. Maybe forever.


I love you.


Aidee.

beach house and your pictures.

looking at your pictures while i listen to beach house is my favorite pastime.

i went to mission valley today. i've always liked mission valley. i think it's as far away as i could get from home without actually leaving home.

may 14, 2011.

i'm harming my body
but curing my soul

you. i would assume.

you're divine
and your lips
the wine
that keep me drunk

i'm ready.

aidee: we hung out last night. cuddles and kisses are nice. but fuck, omar. i can't get ***** out of my head right now though.

omar: just now? dear, i don't think she ever left.

que cosas.

te encanta. te encanta decirme ese tipo de cosas. TE ENCANTA. lo disfrutas. y yo soy una masoquisto por escucharte.

these days.

and all i do these days is smile and shake my head, especially when i think about you.

let me back in.

I rode trolley for hours, trying to find somewhere, a place where my mind would just stop. Stop what you ask? I don't know, just... Stop. But that place and time never came and now i'm just trying to live through this day. If there's a hell, this must be it, the way my mind just won't stop. I've never felt like this, so angry. It was days like these when i hated her. I hated her for not loving me like she said she did. And then getting upset at me for getting upset over her fuck ups. I am, afterall, human. Even if just barely. I rode the trolley thinking maybe its speed would work with my head and shit would go faster. I rode all the way to santee, twice, on two different trolleys and i rode all the way to the border. My peace of mind was nowhere to be found. I couldn't help but think about what an ex gf had said to me once: "i'm not like you, i actually enjoy my sanity." that sentence, those nine words had been running around my mind ceaselessly since that night in my bed. I had never thought of myself as one who enjoys insanity, but it sure seems like i do.

last year.

i used to actually sleep, you know? and i was a bit more productive, i read more too. the moment i met her i knew sleep was out of the question. so was my productivity. i stopped sleeping for her and i loved that she already didn't sleep. people like her don't sleep. but even more than she didn't sleep, i loved that she was up all night talking to me, insignificant me.

dfsdfasdf

i don't know what's wrong with me. everything and everyone is fucking annoying me to the extent that i want to tell them to shut the fuck up and fuck off. i'm just so fucking annoyed. i want to strangle myself and everyone around me with my own two hands. i also don't understand my friendships. i don't understand why such interesting and amazing people like my best friend are friends with me. i have absolutely nothing interesting to say. he writes such amazing stories and i am such a mediocre girl. i am not a bad friend but i'm sure everyone around me can do much better than me. maybe i should date this pain in the fucking ass girl and stop aiming so fucking high. this feeling of not being good enough is really starting to get to me and i can't do shit about it. i have no idea why i feel this way. i really don't. i want it to stop. i feel like i'm gonna blow up. i hate this.

just one day.

come live a morrissey song with me. just one time. i'll make it worth it, i promise.

fear.

le temo a no dormir
le temo a volver a enredarme en nada
y que no puede salir de alli
le temo a que me consumas como lo sabes hacer
y felizmente quedarme alli
le temo a lo que pueda ver, leer
te temo a ti
a no saber como hablarte
a no saber que decir
le temo a no poder darte una amistad
le temo a muchas cosas
pero a lo que mas le temo es a no poder dejar de amarte.

make it easy.

i want to have an affair with your hands.

people like you.

you are the kind of person one doesn't just fall in love with. we fall in love madly, wrecklessly, obsessively with you. we don't hold back, not so much because we don't want to but because we can't. and we can fight it and fight it but eventually we give in willingly. it's so easy to love you. it was so easy for me to fall completely and madly at your feet. there is no gray area when it comes to you. people can't just "love" you. we become obsessed and addicted. you're a drug, and a hard one to quit.

.

i hate how one person you've never even met or even fucking seen could have such a strong, indirect impact on your life. i hate you.

i felt short of the mark.

thinking back to some time ago, i always had a small crush on her. you know, i always found her to be beautiful. and it always made me semi happy when my friends would mention her name. she was the first girl with that name in my opinion. and no one wore that name better than she did. the first time i heard about her i was told she was bisexual and that made me smile and for some reason it still does. who would have known i was going to meet her three years later, and even better, who would have known she was going to kill me.

life.

you are a fucking trip. it's crazy how things change and even crazier how time flies. the only thing that doesn't change is me. i keep doing the same mistakes over and over again. it's me. everyone's feelings and emotions are so different now than what they were a year ago, i guess mine too in a way but i'm afraid that when july hits, i will still be the same. that nothing will have changed and i really don't want that. i want to be able to talk to some people and be okay with what they say or write. i want to be fucking happy that we're friends. i mean, i am but it's complicated. i know shit's completely different than how it was two months ago, but like i said, not with me.

yo se.

i know, i know, i'm pathetic.

contigo.

there is no in between. it's just black and white. there are no gray areas. two polar extremes. that's what this is. i can't find my gray area.

facebook.

my best friend left his facebook open yesterday and well, i've been deprived of a certain page for a while so i went on certain page on his facebook and read something...errr a couple of things that really bothered me. but the thing that pissed me off was that some asshole, and i mean this in the nicest way i can find, called her ugly?! really? because i'm pretty fucking sure you're just a bitter pussy boy, obviously not man enough to handle such a wonderful woman. grow some fucking balls and deal with shit without offending someone just because you couldn't get what you wanted. i didn't either and i didn't go around talking shit like a child. i cried, but never did i once offend her or say something mean. why? because you don't hurt the people you care about. i hope you ate shit, literally and figuratively. asshole.