unusual you.

that song just started playing. it's little things. the little things are the hardest. they slow down the recovery process. i'm not sad, just missing, i guess.

one day.

i figure the day that i feel truly happy i will kill myself. i want to keep that moment forever.

eh.

okay so maybe it does hurt. but definitely not like before. before, everything felt like a kick to the stomach, strong enough to make me vomit. now, it's more a slap to my face and those i can take.

oh.

and i don't care if it makes you uncomfortable. it's the last time you'll ever hear this from me.

dear Paige,

i will always love you. always. you made me feel alive. i was happy, a temporary happiness but it was there. you are a truly magnificent creature with flaws that make you perfect. you had my heart, unwillingly, for seven months. five of them the most agonizing months of my life, two of them the best, most wonderful months of my life. and two days are the days at the top of my list of the best days of my life. the first being your birthday and the second, the night i met you. if i had the chance to relive any day of my existence, august 4th 2010 would be it. you changed my life. i never thought loving someone hurt this much but i also never thought i would love someone this profoundly. with every bone in my body. every muscle. every ounce of blood, every inch of skin. every hair. every freckle. with all my heart and soul. and the funny thing is i barely even touched you. i've seen you only four times and still you were my everything. i sit here, crying. i always cry when i write about you, but don't think these are sad tears. no, they are closure tears but because that's what the thought of you makes me do these days, cry. but it's only when i write. i guess i just want to say thank you. for being you. for not being anyone else but you. and for allowing me to be there for two months. and for putting up with all the shit i've written for five months. you still have my heart, you always will and i will always love you. always. every day of my life, every hour, every minute and every second. however, it feels good to finally be over you. you still constantly run freely in my head but you don't hurt anymore. i guess i'm no longer in love. i will always be here though. as a friend or an acquaintance. as whatever you want me to be. i will be here. you are the best thing that's happened to me so far and eventhough you broke my heart, the pain was worth it, you are worth it. you are worth wars being fought over you. Paige Alyssa, you are the best thing to walk earth. you are really truly amazing, anyone who doesn't see that is fucking blind and deaf. you're perfect and anyone who has some intelligence and some heart will bow down to your feet and worship you. and the person you're with will be extremely lucky to have you. no one deserves you, but the one who ends up with you takes the most beautiful treasure. you're the rarest diamond in the deepest mine, my love. don't ever forget it. ever.

always with my profoundest love,

aidee.

girls.

i can make girls like me, but i can't make them fall in love with me.

why can't i be in love with you?

i love how your body feels against mine. and you soft, moist breath on my ear. how i can feel youb reathing but i can also hear it and even taste it. how straddle me and when i'm on top, you wrap your legst tightly around me, as if to not let me go. i love how you say dirty things in a non vulgar way. and how you run your hand from my face to my neck and the rest of my body. and your little laugh when i kiss your neck. how i can feel when you make that super cute face when i crack my jaw in the middle of our kissing, i can feel it even in the dark. i love running my hands up your legs and the higher i go i can feel them getting goosebumps. all my senses intensify when i'm with you. when you're around.

one more time.

i write to you again because i'm feeling nostalgic and because i hate you. you came in to just ruin my life, to break my heart. and i know it wasn't you who did it, but you're the cause. yes, if someone can come into someone's life and in just a fucking second "steal" her away then the "love" such person had towards the other was really non-existent, but still. we were okay. it wasn't the ideal situation, not the one i wanted, but it was something and at that moment, it was enough. because all i wanted was her. i wanted nothing else, no one. i wanted her and i thought i had her. it's not your fault and this isn't the reason i hate you. i hate you because you just came to fuck shit up, not with me. but her. you just broke her already broken heart even more, which meant you shattered mine. and i totally understand her for going back to you. i do. i don't say this anyone because most people will yell at me, but i do understand her. you gave her the best feeling in the world. the same feeling she gave me. i would have done the same had i been in a similar situation. if i had to choose between her and someone else, i'd pick her in a heart beat, even if it meant i'd get my heart broken again. but i hate you. for not treating her like she deserved to be treated. for breaking her heart. for coming back and fucking it up for me. i could have never made her happy, but i wanted to try and because of you i will never have the chance now. so fuck you, you emotionless asshole.

last night i dreamt.

i dreamt about her last night. it's the second time in less than a week that she's in my dreams and both times the dreams were unpleasant. i'm not going into detail but last night, he was there too. only, it wasn't the face i've seen in pictures, it was another boy's face. i went to her house and she asked him to open the door for me. i told him i depised him and he asked why and i said "because i'm in love with her and she's in love with you." i don't remember his response. i also told him he was pretty among other shit, then i left. i woke up teary eyed. i am not sure why. i don't even want these dreams anymore. at first when i dreamt about her, i didn't mind if they were sad or bad or anything negative, because at least there i could see her. in my dreams. but not anymore. all they do is make me sad and angry and i don't want to be sad and angry or either/or. i don't understand why i keep dreaming with her, i really don't. it's weird. it had been a really long time, too.

que lindo, no?

que el dia en que mi mundo se cayo, fue de los mejores dias de su vida. que linda es la vida.

not entirely true.

am i completely over it? no. am i almost there? i'm almost almost there. am i happy? no. am i sad? not all the time. truth is, i'm okay. i'm not happy, i'm not sad. i'm okay. i've spent too much time, too much energy, too many tears, too many endless and sleepless nights, too much ink on paper, too much paper, too much saliva, too much everything over something that right now just seems so silly. in a couple of months i'm gonna look back and have a little laugh at my pathetic, little self for spening so much of whatever doing whatever i was doing over a whatever situation i put myself in. it was "i don't want to say not important" but that's what it seems now. it meant the world to me for far too long and meant very little for someone else so it's my turn to really look at shit from another perspective and i am now seeing it from this girl's perspective and calling it a silly situation. i loved. i was not loved back. boohooo. i survived. i was in a pain that i hardly handled and i handled very stupidly, but handled it nonetheless. it was emotional and physical pain because my bones, my body, my heart, my soul, my head, everything hurt. i thought i was gonna die. i didn't. it was nothing. my pain, my heart ache, was over nothing. that's actually the shitty part. that i've spent seven months of my life with someone running non stop in my head, making it their home without their consent and now it's time to kick them out, but they really should have never lived here as long as they did. i should have never allowed it and that's why i'm kicking her out. i was told i looked good. not in a hey girl hey way, but in a "you're not being a fucking a baby anymore" way. i have a feeling it's only good shit from here. i do thank her for the two months when she lived in my head and especially in my heart and i thought i lived in hers too. even if it wasn't real. i will cherish them forever.

self-loathing.

i hate myself. for too many fucking reasons, but truth is, i've always hated myself. it's just that right now, i'm enraged. i hate myself so fucking much right now. right now. this moment. i fucking loathe myself. why? because i allowed someone to make me feel the way i felt. for allowing such petty shit to make me want to fucking die. for doing shit to my body over something that now that i think about it, was not worth it. i hate myself for having loved someone who didn't give two shits about me. i hate myself for hating myself because it's no one's fault. maybe not even my own. i hate you aidee, because that feeling will never completely go away. because you are so fucking pathetic. so gullible. for falling for people who don't want you. for allowing that shit to take over your life. for breathing in people who should only be exhaled. for having your life revolve around girls who can't see that you may not be a catch, but you are a good fucking person who only wanted to give them the world. so yeah, fuck you aidee.

sleep.

we are now just sleeping together. no sex. no kissing. just...sleep. don't get my wrong, it's nice. really nice to wake up with you in my arms and your legs wrapped up with mine. it's nice seeing your face in the morning and your hair being messy. it's actually pretty great. it's just getting hard to not kiss you. it's getting hard not being able to touch you the way i used to touch you. i know this was all my idea. my stupid idea of moving on from my heart and what was done to it last year and wanting something new. someone new. but, at times, i regret it. i regret letting you go. i regret telling you this. quite honestly, i thought you were gonna fight it a bit. not beg, i would never make you beg, i am not worthy of it and there's nothing to beg, but i did think you were gonna try to convince me otherwise. you didn't. i've said you've changed and i have not lied. you're no longer vulnerable. i'm not saying that the choice i made is the wrong one, all i'm saying is i should have thought it through. you are now in a relationship, sleeping in my bed, cuddling with me, playing around with me, but kissing someone else. it hurts a bit.