what the fuck is it?
why must i have to battle with loving and hating you, both at the same time?
why can't i just hate you forever?
why is it that when i'm right at the finish line, i trip?
what is it about you that's so hard to get over?
i hardly touched you, so what the fuck is it?
how is it possible to fall in love numerous times and i sit here, not in love anymore, but not able to even come remotely close to letting someone in again.
i came across your pictures today and i nearly broke in tears. not because i miss you, because i miss you everyday. but because i remember what had happened that day and why that picture was sent and the time and what i was doing and what happened the next day and the weeks after that. i labeled the album of your pictures "zebra" so it stays at the bottom and i don't have to look at your pictures and be reminded of anything anymore because i am exhausted. it's been long enough. i've cried many many nights and done some stupid shit all at the same time. i'm okay most of the time but there are times when i wish you looked into my eyes again, just one more time, like on your birthday last year as you slid your arm under mine. i think the minute i am reminded of that look and don't feel something in my stomach or a noose around my throat and i can breathe, i will be fine for the rest of my life, at least when it comes to you. it's been over a year and all i have to do is close my eyes and your eyes are there. i wish i had the power to make it go away. i wish i could let go of it, of whatever it was. but how can i? how can i if i'd give my life to relive what we both felt for eachother for two months. even if the feelings weren't as strong on your part, i don't care. i'm trying really fucking hard to hate you, *****, i really am. i don't know why i can't and i hate it. i hate that i can't hate you. i hate that sometimes i want to strangle you, but never tighten my grip, just hold my hands around your neck. i hate that you have the ability to piss me off and just as easily make it go away without even trying. i hate that when i am almost at the point of not giving a shit about you, something happens. whether it's something i read or fucking malls getting shot up or just something. there's always something preventing me from despising you the way i want to. no one's ever had this effect on me. i'm not in love, but you do still hurt from time to time. and i do think about you everyday. and i worry when i read that you're sad. and i will worry until i die and i will probably love you and hate to love you until then too.
"i love your precious heart." -INXS
it's one of those nights. i will go back to not liking you tomorrow. these days just have their way of sneaking up on me inappropriately.
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