i've lain with the devil, cursed god above, forsaken heaven to bring you my love.

you'll always be my earthquake. that's the power you have over me.
i fucking hate it.

take it easy, take your time.

m love: every time i talk to you i am reminded of why i stopped trying to work things out with you.

aidee: i'm sorry.

m love: no, i'm sorry i came over.


as much as i piss girls off, most of the time it's really not my intention. it's a natural gift i have or something. it's like i am just really bad with words. i blame women from my past for this.

ghost and the glass children.

first there was samantha puentes. her favorite band was the smashing pumpkins. i always thought it was kind of on purpose, you know, S.P. for both. but it wasn't because samantha has a middle name. i remember i wanted to get her initials tattooed on my wrists. and i drew a heart, a pretty damn good heart, and had an old english "S" right in the middle. i wanted to get that tattooed too. i was going through my superman lunch box, where i keep things i've collected over the years. little things that mean the world to me, including my high school diary. i opened it and your pictures were the first i wanted to see. i was so ridiculously and madly in love with you. i always wonder if you even knew. if you ever realized how badly i wanted to just touch you. you weren't the type of girl who liked to be touched by anyone. you were so different from every single girl in high school, in any high school. i'll never forget your red socks and how you didn't give a shit about what you wore, or how your hair looked. your long and curly brown hair. rarely combed. i miss you. i know you don't even remember what happened your senior year of high school or who you hung out with or anything, and i'm sure you don't want to. but i do. i remember how pretty you looked the first time i saw you drinking water from the water fountain. and how i went to look for carla and nadia and you had my name written in red ink on your hands because you didn't want to forget it and nadia had given you what she thought was the correct spelling but it was missing an "e". i liked when you asked me to let you borrow my CD's. i especially loved when you called me "the smiths baby". and you said this because i used to smoke and you asked why and i said i didn't know and your answer was "because you're a smiths baby. 'what she said i smoke coz i'm hoping for an early death and i need to cling to something' that was the reason you said i smoked. that afternoon i carved those lyrics on the inside of my arm. i was fucking 15. my brother is fucking 15. we were both cutters. i think that was our sort of calling for eachother. a stupid 15 year old aries girl in love with a 17 year old aries girl. my sam. i carved "sam" twice on my left wrist. they're still there and they're only noticeable because they were inked in. you were the first girl whose name i carved on my body, the first of two. i miss you. i don't know exactly what it is i miss, but i miss you. i miss you yelling at me and demanding me to speak. i miss your voice. i think that's what i miss most, your voice. i used to write a lot about you. fuck, i have written so much about you. just mostly in notebooks. notebooks with other notebooks of two other girls stacked up on top. but you were the first girl i loved and you certainly didn't hurt any less. wherever you are, i hope you are happy. i can't wish you anything but happiness. i know you had a rough adolescent life and i hope adulthood is treating you better.

my left arm belongs to you.

there's more to this but this is creepy enough and yes, i am obsessive. i was obsessed with you for eight years.

what you said was our song.
your part of the song.
"what she read: all heady books she'd sit and prophesize."

niña roja, mirame, dame besos, y quedate.

nunca has visto un corazon desprenderse de su pecho como lo hace el mio
lo puedes sentir en el tuyo cuando me abrazas
puedes sentir que no quiere estar en mi pecho
si no en tus brazos,
con el tuyo agarrado de la mano
que quiere darte los latidos entre latidos para que tu corazon nunca perezca
y que te ha amado con todo y mucho mas aunque otros piensen que no te lo merezcas

old love is in me.

the pages are fragile
soaked with my tears
and my pen bleeds with your name
which courses through my arteries
and seems to always go back to my heart
and decides to fuck with my head
that gets its hair pulled out with my hands
which might as well be yours
since i can no longer touch another woman
unless she's a replica of you
but there can only be one you
the one who doesn't love me
and there's plenty more
but you're the only one that matters

Dorothy Moore- Misty Blue

oh, it's been such a long long time
looks like i got you off of my mind
but i can't, just the thought of you
turns my whole world misty blue

oh honey, just the mention of your name
turns a flicker to a flame
listen to me good, baby
i think of the things we used to do
and my whole world turns misty blue

oh, baby i should forget you
heaven knows i've tried
baby, when i said that i'm glad we're through
deep in my heart i know i've lied, i've lied, i've lied

oh, it's been such a long long time
looks like i got you off of my mind
but i can't, just the thought of you
turns my whole world misty blue

oh, no i can't, no i can't
i can't forget you
my whole world turns misty blue

oh, my love
my whole world turns misty blue

baby, i should forget you
my whole world turns misty blue

you didn't know me well, so well as i knew you.

you lie almost as often as i tell you i love you
which is almost every time i blink
you change your mind about me almost as often as i cry
which is almost with every breath i take
you love me almost as often as i hate you
which is never

at least i'm not drinking.

it will never cease to amaze me how well i know some people. so so well.

meu coração não tem cor.

"you need to be more selfish and less picky." - m love

that silent sense of content that everyone gets, just disappears soon as the sun sets.

"just let me speak. i feel like i haven't been allowed to say anything for about a year now." i said.
"is that so? because i'm pretty sure you've said all that you've wanted to say." she says with an upset tone in her voice.

and she wasn't completely wrong. i've said many things but it's always either on paper on certain websites. but never to her face. never with my voice. i've never seen her reaction or look on her face. AND i wasn't sure what she did or did not read. i kept trying to say something but she kept interrupting me.

"are you gonna let me speak or not?" i ask.
"go ahead, i'm not covering your mouth, am i? say ALL you need to say but say it quickly, i don't want to be here for much longer." she says, even more upset now.
"ugh. nevermind, this is stupid." i say.
"are you really not gonna tell me now? just tell me." she says.
"i'm not in the mood to convince you, or try to do so. you don't wanna hear what i have to say. you want to leave. i'm done." i say.
"remember when i said you were a frustrating fucking woman?" she says with a VERY frustrating tone on her voice.
i give a little laugh "yes"
"well, i wasn't kidding." she says as she shakes her head.

as much as i loved her, sometimes i had to fight an urge to not grab her by the shoulders and shake her up a bit. just so she would stay quiet for a second. i'm sure she's wanted to punch me in the face multiple times as well.
she sits down and asks me to do so too. she's wearing that black and turquoise dress i like. i don't want to sit next to her. her legs are bare and i won't be able to say what i need to say if her and her legs are too close to me.

"i don't want to sit, stand up."
"no."

i should have known that if i told her to do something she wouldn't.
by the time i sit down she crosses and uncrosses her legs twice. by the time she crossed her legs the second time i had already forgotten why she was here and what it was i needed to say.

sleeping underneath the bed.

nights turn into mornings quicker than the snap of my fingers.
i've bathed and bathed to rid myself of you but your scent still lingers.

strange mercy.

you vs. me.

the cure vs. the smiths
biggie vs. 2pac.

i will always miss those little, harmless arguments we had about music.

and i miss you, but i love that you don't hurt anymore.

just let me sleep.

take me where everything is wrapped in a ribbon
where the only noise you hear is laughter
and the only cries are of joy
if it's just a dream
let me sleep
close my eyes with your hands
and open my heart with your lips
take my soul with your breath
and make me lose my mind with the exhales of your laugh
and if it's just a dream
let me sleep

september 23, 2010.

holy shit. it's been a year since i really started writing on this son of a bitch blog. holy shit. holy shit. time fliiiiiiiies.

i probably shouldn't feel proud about this.

i'm listening to st. vincent. marry me, to be exact.

Devendra Banhart- I Remember

please don't let what was get in the way of what's next. don't forget that what's to come hasn't come yet.

let's lie down for a while, you can smile.

last night.

being around you and not being able to touch you has taken me every bit of strength i have. it wasn't easy. yes, cuddles are nice but they're only innocent to some extent. i guess this is all my fault.

m love: i am not getting myself in this situation with you.

aidee: what situation is that?

m love: both us being in bed together.

aidee: i won't touch you, i promise.

m love: i have a girlfriend and you know that and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship and have myself feel guilty and like shit tomorrow.

aidee: i won't touch you. don't ever feel uncomfortable with me. it offends me.

m love's shoes.
i love when you leave your things behind.

it's all heart and lungs.

my eyes
the ones that used to be an ocean
an ocean that saw you as the perfect sailor
and poured out waves of joy
have become an old desert
where my love dissolves
and my tears evaporate into a sandy home
time is literally an hourglass
where emptiness takes over space
and hollowness takes over the amplitude of my heart

hummingbird, what's the word?

i can care about you silently, from a distance.

City and Colour- As Much As I Ever Could

i'm having 2010 pre, post, and during heartache nostalgia.
i blame the weather.

i'm good at love, i'm good at hate, it's in between i freeze.

i want to be in the middle. i don't want to hate you, and i especially don't want to love you, ever. i don't want to like you but i also don't want to dislike you. i want your name to be indifferent to my ears and your face to be indifferent to my eyes.

has the perrier gone straight to my head, or is life sick and cruel instead?

what the fuck is it?
why must i have to battle with loving and hating you, both at the same time?
why can't i just hate you forever?
why is it that when i'm right at the finish line, i trip?
what is it about you that's so hard to get over?
i hardly touched you, so what the fuck is it?
how is it possible to fall in love numerous times and i sit here, not in love anymore, but not able to even come remotely close to letting someone in again.

i came across your pictures today and i nearly broke in tears. not because i miss you, because i miss you everyday. but because i remember what had happened that day and why that picture was sent and the time and what i was doing and what happened the next day and the weeks after that. i labeled the album of your pictures "zebra" so it stays at the bottom and i don't have to look at your pictures and be reminded of anything anymore because i am exhausted. it's been long enough. i've cried many many nights and done some stupid shit all at the same time. i'm okay most of the time but there are times when i wish you looked into my eyes again, just one more time, like on your birthday last year as you slid your arm under mine. i think the minute i am reminded of that look and don't feel something in my stomach or a noose around my throat and i can breathe, i will be fine for the rest of my life, at least when it comes to you. it's been over a year and all i have to do is close my eyes and your eyes are there. i wish i had the power to make it go away. i wish i could let go of it, of whatever it was. but how can i? how can i if i'd give my life to relive what we both felt for eachother for two months. even if the feelings weren't as strong on your part, i don't care. i'm trying really fucking hard to hate you, *****, i really am. i don't know why i can't and i hate it. i hate that i can't hate you. i hate that sometimes i want to strangle you, but never tighten my grip, just hold my hands around your neck. i hate that you have the ability to piss me off and just as easily make it go away without even trying. i hate that when i am almost at the point of not giving a shit about you, something happens. whether it's something i read or fucking malls getting shot up or just something. there's always something preventing me from despising you the way i want to. no one's ever had this effect on me. i'm not in love, but you do still hurt from time to time. and i do think about you everyday. and i worry when i read that you're sad. and i will worry until i die and i will probably love you and hate to love you until then too.


"i love your precious heart." -INXS






it's one of those nights. i will go back to not liking you tomorrow. these days just have their way of sneaking up on me inappropriately.

the universe works on a math equation that never really ends in the end.

it's evident that no matter how upset i am at certain people and i try to be tough and not give a shit about anything that's been said or done, something always happens that makes me fall back on my words. the universe impedes me from being mad at you for whatever reason, and that alone pisses me off.

your skin so fair it's not fair.

she had called me late last night or early this morning. whatever you wanna call it. it was around three am. she didn't say much except the super awkward and short "hi." i always loved her "hi's". i never say hi to anyone because i always felt my hi's belonged to her. i said "hi" back and we had a brief conversation that involved her asking me if i could go over to her place tomorrow. i should have said no, but i said yes. no questions asked, just yes, like an idiot like always. i felt stupid for giving in so quickly and i couldn't sleep the rest of the night. i was anxious and excited all at the same time, but my excitement was making my heart race and it wasn't letting me sleep. i listened to st. vincent all night. we never agreed on a time for me to come over so i wasn't sure as to what to do. plus, it was so late that night that i wasn't sure if we did agree on a time and i just didn't remember. i was also getting rashes on my body because i thought maybe she had dialed the wrong number and she was drunk and thought she was talking to someone else and not me. i always questioned myself when she texted me or called me because it was surreal to me. i always thought it was some mistake made by her. i was nervous as to if i should text her asking her about her phone call and what time i should come over. i also didn't want to pressure her. but mostly, i didn't want to sound desperate. but i was. i was dying to see her, for whatever reason, always. the day was going by slowly. it felt almost like a boring day at work... just... slow. i finally gathered up enough courage to text her and ask her. she took an hour to reply and only wrote "at 7". i do all i need to do that day which is really not much, take a shower, get ready, and head out. i'm always early so i was by her place at around 6:30 but didn't text her until 7:05 letting her know i was around the corner. all i got was "okay." i never know what to make of these texts. i did, however, know that it was gonna be one of those nights that make me get blisters on my tongue because our blood pressures rise. i text her to let her know i'm outside and she comes and opens the door. she's wearing a fucking dress, she is bare legged, and barefoot, and all i can i think to myself is "god, help me." "hi" she says and gives me one of those hugs i don't like. i loved her hugs before. the ones when we were seeing eachother. those were amazing hugs. these aren't bad but not the same. probably because there aren't any feelings in the way of our bodies as they're about to touch. we have the usual small talk, she asks if i want something to drink and i say no, thank you. about an hour later the conversation gets... interesting, for lack of a better word. she stares at me and i get uncomfortable and i can't do anything but stare at my hands. there's silence for about a minute. it wouldn't be awkward if she wasn't giving me "death stares".

"do you miss me?" she asks.

i laugh because these types of questions always make me laugh. "no." i answer.

"liar." she says.
she knows me too well.

i let out a sigh "i don't." but i was lying. "that's the problem. you don't ever believe me. not when i say i love you and not when i say i do or don't miss you." my voice speaks with a slight tone of frustration.

"i just don't see how you could have loved me, you hardly knew me." she says.

"i just know that i loved you. and whatever i didn't know about you i wanted to find out. that's why i always 'interrogated you'. if it was up to me i'd know how many times you breathed and how many times your heart beat and how many times you blinked during the day. how many steps you took, all that. i wanted to know everything."

"that's creepy. but i still don't think you loved me."

"yeah, well i'm done trying to convince you. especially since you never let me show you."

she walks out of the room and i follow behind her. i love looking at her from behind. it's not even in a super dirty way. i was just in love with every single centimeter of this girl's body and one of my favorite physical things about her was her butt and hips. her dress swings slightly but begins to move more the faster she walks. i ask her what's going on and she says she's done with my shit. truth is, i would have been done with my shit too, but i'm also getting fed up with hers as well. her eyes light up when she says this and i can tell she's upset. i'm just not sure if she's sad or angry that i don't miss her... or that i said i didn't when she knows it's not true. i kinda liked her little tantrums and her dramatic ways, though, they made me feel a little important. we argue in the kitchen. i don't even know why or what it was about. i just remember arguing with her. sometimes i feel like she likes arguing with me for sport. just because she can and because she knows that when she decides to be nice again i will come back to her like a little puppy. i'm just a little puppy when it comes to her. desperate for her attention.

to be continued... i think.

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds- If I Had A Gun

If I had a gun
I'd shoot a hole into the sun
And love, I'll burn this city down for you
If I had the time
I'd stop the world and make you mine
And every day would stay the same with you

If you had the dream
Show you now what might have been
And for the tears you cried will fade away
I'll be by your side
When they come and say goodbye
We will live to fight another day

Excuse me if I spoke too soon
My eyes have already followed you around the room
'Cause you're the only God that I will ever need
I'm holding on
And waiting for the moment to find me

Hope I didn't speak too soon
My eyes have already followed you around the room
'Cause you're the only God that I will ever need
I'm holding on
And waiting for the moment for my heart to be unbroken by the sea

Let me fly you to the moon
My eyes have already followed you around the room
'Cause you're the only God that I will ever need
I'm holding on
And waiting for the moment to find me

If I had a gun
I'd shoot a hole into the sun
And love, I'll burn this city down for you
If I had the time
I'd stop the world and make you mine
And every day would stay the same with you

just to remind you: i'm a mistake.

"hi's" and "and i's" have been reserved for you.

beloved is the sky and so are you, my omar.

this was officially your last weekend in san diego and it's quite comical we spent it in LA. i can't and won't say much other than how much i am gonna miss you. i will miss going to your house in the morning and you making me breakfast. i will miss walking around in our underwear together. i will miss you coming to my house and going to sleep at obscene hours in the morning and waking up at even more obscene hours in the morning. i love that we don't have to do much to have an amazing time. i love that you love coming to my house even when you know we won't more than lay around listening to music. i will miss you dissing st. vincent and me calling you out on how i know you like her and just like messing with me. i will miss you demanding i scratch your back and ass and head. i will miss you "oh my god, stacy!" i will miss many many many things. it's an endless list. i've had you by my side, only thirty minutes away from me for 10 years. seeing you will be a little more challenging now, but i will do everything i can to see you as much as i can. i promised you tickets to neko case, i got you your tickets and last night proved why it was worth it. i knew that if she sang "maybe sparrow" you were gonna cry. you knew it too. as soon as she said "this song is about two birds" i felt your body cringe and i felt you cry, i cried with you. this is our last summer in san diego together. i'm gonna miss you so much. like i've never missed anyone in my life. anyone. thank you for spending your last weekend here with me. thank you for choosing me over any other friend you have. you are my number one boy, number one person, and i love you. i will miss you. but i will see you soon.

keep all the things you forgot.

I write one more time from my trusty cell phone in a home that isn't mine, where the heat radiates through the walls and decides to fuck with my hair. That heat that doesn't go away even when clothes aren't covering your body and sweat works like a second shower. I only write from my phone when what i have to say is important to me. I don't ask about you when you're happy because it's times you don't necessarily need anyone. I only ask about you when you're sad because i need to make sure you're being comforted. Because i need to make sure someone asks you how you are so you can open your mouth and let it all out. So you can fall apart for a moment in someone's arms. Arms that will never be mine. So you can dry your tears and soak up someone's shirt, again, a shirt that unfortunately will never be mine. I don't know what's going on, most times i don't want to know in fear that it's something that will be somehow painful to me. I'm pretty exhausted being sad over you but that NEVER means that i don't care. It never means that i will ever be joyous of your pain or unhappiness. I hope someone's asked you how you are. I hope someone's there for you to cry to. I hope you're being comforted for whatever's happening tonight. I'd do it myself if we weren't in this situation. You can block me, delete me, hate me, say "fuck you" to me multiple times and i'll still only be a phone call away. You'll always be important to me and i will always be concerned for you no matter what's happened between us. Again, i hope that however you're feeling is something you can sleep on and it's okay in the morning. Good night.

goodbyes.

saying goodbye to two people in one day is really uncool.

ari.

i like you and i look forward to your texts, but i love that i am not depending on them. it was a fun few weeks. thank you for being the end of my summer. i look forward to seeing you again in october.



m love. monica. moniquita.

i just wanna say that you are the most human person i know. you are the realest, most honest, and kindest person in this world and i wish you nothing but happiness in your life now. thank you for sticking around with me for almost a year. thank you for those sleepless nights. thank you for your kisses. thank you for sharing a shoulder for me to cry on. thank you for lending me your ear. you're the most amazing girl i know. i am glad you have been in my life and i'm glad you finally got what you were looking for. you'll always be my m love even if there's only platonic love now. i'll see you hopefully soon.