it's crazy how blind and stupid i am when i'm in love.

i saw the place where i would be living if i did decide to move to long beach...



i wanna move to long beach.

long beach.

beautiful women with long legs and tattooed thighs
wearing short dresses, matching my sighs
colorful arms matching their lips
pitch black haired and shaking their hips
i stared from a distance, taking my drink
while they discussed their arms full of ink
on to the beach they wore hardly any clothes
their sight had cleared all of my woes


blah blah blah

I'd rake the springtime across your sheets.

aching looks and breaking hearts.

pain wrapped around her like a dress and she looked devastatingly beautiful wearing it.

come cut me open.

"is this okay?" she asked as she straddled my legs. it seemed like a her confidence was just a mask and she was just as nervous as i was. her jet black hair over her face and covering mine as i was looking up at her. she kept brushing the bangs out of my face and touching my cheeks and tracing my lips and down to my neck, grabbing it as if marking every spot where she was going to kiss me. i could feel my legs wanting to tap on the dirty carpet out of sheer nerves but i denied them the pleasure. she flipped her hair to the side and gave me this look. her beautiful dark eyebrows sitting proud above her eyes, just staring at me. she got both of her hands around my neck and scratched my skin. making a sound and leaving its print and taking some of my skin under her fingernails. "ssss" i said in between my teeth as she dragged her red fingernails across my flesh. she pulled me by my collar and stretched backwards. her back arched beautifully. her ass in my hands, taking a full grasp. she collapses on the couch and takes me with her. i fall on top of her. her legs wrapped around me. she takes off my glasses and places them on the coffee table among half empty glasses of jack and coke, sylvia plath's "the bell jar", a crystal vase with withered yellow flowers, and a few remote controls that she didn't know what they were for. my glasses were in good company. i take off my jacket and she follows it with her eyes as it drops on the floor beneath us, making a sound. she sits up and i unbutton her black dress from behind. each button felt like aid for us to catch our breath. one button. two buttons. three buttons...four, five. i slide the straps of her bra down her shoulders. she pulls my shirt over my arms and leans in to kiss me. her lips soft and delicious. warm and obscene. she tastes of cherry and jack and my lips could not get enough of them. her mouth nibbles on my bottom lip, tugging at my lip ring. we were like a bow and arrow waiting to be shot. the target was fucking.




this is incomplete.

the scariest thing i've heard recently is omar telling me you're going to disappear from my life soon. i can't not have you in my life.

missing.

something is missing, a feeling, that is
the one that kept me up all night
the one that made me toss and turn endlessly for hours
that same gut wrenching feeling i had whenever i read or heard certain things
that feeling is missing
that same feeling i had that shitty august night
the one that made the ocean pour its salt down my cheeks and at my feet
where all i could taste was bitter and salty
something is missing
and it's no longer a beating heart
it's no longer a breathing person
or walking legs
it's no longer soft kisses
and awkward glances
it's not alive
i am missing that feeling
i am missing your feeling
i am missing what you made me feel

I want the one i can't have and it's driving me mad.

And i lay here one more night on my grandma's couch trying to rid myself of the scent of your hair, of the texture of your porcelain skin, of the pressure of your fingers on my back, and of the sound of your voice that consume my every thought and i can't. Your face makes me smile. Your laugh and smile are contagious. Every single thing about you is perfect. I want you, i will never have you, but that doesn't stop this feeling. That doesn't stop this urge i have to hold your face in my hands and kiss you. To have our tongues waltz with one another. To run my fingers through your long red hair. I want you. My god i want you. Even if can't have you, even if i never will, i will always want you.

i want your legs to be my noose.

sometime, soon, be better than you were.

i haven't felt this shitty in a while. and knowing that you are not here but there and sad makes my insides want to turn inside out with every breath i give. i miss you. it's hard for me to explain this but i miss you terribly. all i've done is sleep since last night because i don't know how to breathe in san diego if you aren't here. and it's stupid, but this is how i feel. i've dedicated the last two years of my life to your existence and the thought that you might stay in seattle and i might never see you again makes me wanna die. what do i do? i'm supposed to leave, not you. i'm supposed to be sad, not you. clear your head and be happy, but come back. please. i miss you.

i miss you like crazy.

Band Of Horses- Detlef Schrempf

so take it as a song or a lesson to learn
and somehow soon be better than you were
if you say you’re gonna go, then be careful
and watch how you treat every living soul

my eyes can’t look at you any other way

i want to write all this shit but my mind is all jumbled up that i can't process what i am thinking. i hate this. i shouldn't feel this way anymore.

it sucks knowing how insignificant you are to one of the most important people in your life. i hate that you left but not as much as i hate that you didn't even bother to tell me.

Your i miss yous are dishonest, therefore, i am gonna tell you that i miss you too when in fact i didn't think about you once today.