The moon has your nose freckles.

Ryan Adams- Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part

because this was the only song that made sense for a really long time.


for you i’d do anything
tear myself in two
just to hear you breathe
calculate the changes that in time
turn to nothing and then multiply
yourself by pain
and you’re not even close, elizabeth
over you i will never be
i wish i knew why
it never comes to me
i’m waiting for someone who just won’t show
and every night it feels like there’s no tomorrow
not that you will ever know
where ever you are i hope you’re happy now
i’m caught in a dream and i can’t get out
i’m caught in a dream
i’m caught in an endless dream
and i’m not strong enough to let you go
and i have tried everything
but that
elizabeth

you've taken away my sanity along with my love
and you can keep the love
but please give me back my sanity

i wasn't blessed with the gift of sewing words beautifully.

bury me alive.

the room filled with your voice
the calluses from my hands disappeared into a void
deep in the cell of the crevices of my skin
my hair follicles being pushed out
making them stand on edge
like the clenching of jaws
and grinding of teeth
pulverizing them like cocaine
being dissolved like ashes
bury me alive
if you can't be mine
bury me alive
take my skin under your nails
and my hair between your fingers
leave your cigarette stains burnt in my flesh
cut the circulation off of my wrists and let them fly off like kites
but take me with you
or bury me alive

i have nothing for you.

we met at her place. it was what it was. she was no longer taken and i was single, just emotionally unavailable. we were kissing on her floral couch. there were empty bottles and cans of cheap booze scattered on the floor, dvds on the coffee table, and her cat's bed next to my feet. the air was toxic and the smoke from the cigarettes made it hard for me to see clearly. the alcohol didn't help my thinking. my hands grazed the inside of her thigh, over her black jeans. her hands taking a strong grasp on my arm. her lips on my chin, on my neck. i grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head back and kissed her hard. almost in an hateful way. she stopped me and asked what it was i wanted more than anything at that moment.
i said her.
i lied.


Death Cab For Cutie- Tiny Vessels


this is the moment that you know
that you told her that you loved her but you don't.
you touch her skin and then you think
that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

i spent two weeks in silver lake
the california sun cascading down my face
there was a girl with light brown streaks,
and she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

i wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking,
as we moved together in the dark
and all the friends that i was telling
all the playful misspellings
and every bite i gave you left a mark

tiny vessels oozed into your neck
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade
but they did, and so did i that day

all i see are dark grey clouds
in the distance moving closer with every hour
so when you ask "is something wrong?"
i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
no, we can't talk about it now."

so one last touch and then you'll go
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
but it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

anything to make you smile, it is a better side of you to admire.

i'd wear you like a knife on my thigh

i'd wear you like a gun to my head

snow white skin, ariel and rapunzel hair.

leyendote pablo neruda.

you told me once, a long long time ago, that you wanted me to read to you in spanish.

it is happening again. part III

seeing you smile is reason enough for me to be around, it really is that simple.

i like the small space a part of my life occupies on your top shelf.

your body is a canvas
my body is a cage

your candle burns too bright, well i almost forgot it was twilight.

your scent makes my lungs collapse

your eyes make my knees fail

so let gravity take my knees

and let my lungs tumble down with each shake your earthquake gives

Death Cab For Cutie- A Lack Of Color

and when i see you
i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around, turns you around

if you feel discouraged
when there's a lack of color here
please don't worry lover
it's really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything
the spectrums a to z

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
and all the girls in every girlie magazine
can't make me feel any less alone
i'm reaching for the phone

to call at 7:03 and on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home
but i know it's too late
and i should have given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years

may 6, 2012.

i was asked about someone tonight. people aren't used to me not whining or whatever about a girl so they wonder what's going on. i was asked if something had happened and i was just pissed off. no, nothing happened. nothing was done to me. it just happened. and i was able to say it without my voice shaking, without my hands sweating and heart racing. "i'm just not in love anymore." the last year and a half has been a battle with this feeling that wasn't going anywhere and being in love with someone who was also never going to love me the way i wanted her to. and this is no one's fault. it's not her fault and it's not mine, it's life. and it wasn't meant to happen. i just got caught up in my feelings when i knew damn well that this girl and i were just not "meant" to be together. i was never going to be what she wanted. i don't have what she wants, and therefore, she was never going to fall in love with me, so she never did. the only thing i can say is that this is life and we have our ups and we have our downs and she was definitely my highest high and my lowest low. i have never loved anyone the way i loved this girl and it will take one hell of a girl to change that. i'm just... free. free from feelings that have been holding me back for too long now. free from feeling like shit every day. especially when i read the things she wrote. truth is, i don't remember much before her. and if i had to sum up my last two years of life, they would be described with her name.

i'm just now finding out how it feels to not be waiting for you to post something anywhere. i forgot what it felt like to not be anxious about thinking what it was i was gonna read today, tomorrow, next week. i forgot what it felt like to not be in love with someone who didn't love me back. i don't remember much before you, i really don't. so this feeling of peace is very very unfamiliar to me. i don't know what to do with it. i have 20 drafts all about you and i can't finish them because i have finally ran out of words to say and write. although, i must say, i probably will miss you, my earthquake. thank you for the inspiration.



i'm only posting this because it's funny how seeing you again changed how i felt a month ago.