you won't realize i'm gone..

i hate day dreaming. i day dream like a motherfucker these days. i can’t help and think that i am in love with someone who doesn’t give a shit about my feelings and me. i can’t help imagining her with her girlfriend and loving her while i’m alone, not wanting anything but her. i hate when this happens, when all i do is think and think and think, all day long, and the more i think the more i feel like shit, missing her, and knowing she doesn't even think about me. i just wanna get over her..

can i make it better..

i find it funny how march 6 i wrote about not writing about anyone but samantha yet now, two months later, a notebook and a half, and heartbreak, i write only about JL. i've never written this much, there's 24 blogs about her on myspace, whether they're a sentence or a lot more writing but all i do is think about her and write. what i write is usually nonsense. i hope this ends soon, coz my heart is in pieces over her. i saw pictures of her and her gf kissing and i'm now a mess, once again.. i hate love and i hate this feeling, i want this to end, i want a friendship but i can't have a frienship right now, i just can't..

i spilled my heart..

me with my over analytical mentality always expect the worse, i like to hope for the best but expect the worse because disappointment is a bitch. however, as much as i'd like to prepare myself mentally for the worse and as much as i like to tell myself i am ready for it, i never am and all those little things i was waiting for and expecting that i knew would break my heart even more than it already is are now visible to me, i was waiting for it, i was waiting for it hoping it would never happen or at least i wouldn't see it. i'm of the belief to never ask anything if the answer you might get isn't the answer you want or to not look for things you don't want to find. i'm very good at the first one but the latter kicks my ass every time. i'm about to break, my whole body feels as though it's about to break into pieces, my limbs feel as though they are about to walk out on me and my heart feels like it's been stabbed with a rusty knife and it just keeps twisting and tearing at it, and this is all my fault. for looking for things i don't want to find. i'm a stupid human with the word masochist branded across my forehead and the word sadist coming out of my mouth calling all the sadists to come play and torture me. i'm exhausted, i'm emotionally drained on the verge of a break down and violence. i never thought this was gonna be this hard. my heart, as soon as this wound heals, will be closed, i'm stitching it up and placing a metal plate around it so no human being can ever make me feel the way i feel this moment, so i won't ever be in the pain that i am right now, i don't learn, i thought i had learned from this and i feel like i keep falling back, i will learn to learn, and my heart won't ever be hurt, the love i have will be shared and given to music only, i am done fucking my heart over with people who are not willing to take in their hands like it wants to. i am done. today will be the last day i cry, this i know, this i promise, and i will be okay..