at 23 i fell in love with the first girl that held my hand
she never gave anything after that
and i'm thankful
and i'm resentful

love is not a victory march.

i feel really stupid when you feel like shit. i feel stupid because eventhough i know you're not gonna answer my messages, i still text you in hopes that maybe, possibly this time it's gonna be different. it never is. i hate when you're sad. i hate it, it's quite possibly the shittiest thing i feel these days. more than my own sadness and my own loneliness, knowing you're sad is at the top of my list. and the thing is, no matter what i say to you, no matter how badly you know that i want you, that i love you, that i hurt for you, no matter what i do or say, it will never make a difference, and that makes me feel even shittier. it's nights like this that i don't know what to do and that i want to really move on and i can't. i can live like this forever, that's the sad part. i can live the way things are right now. i can live with your subtle flirting. i can live with you letting me bite your inner thighs. with you letting me smell your armpits. i can live with you walking around wearing nothing but underwear in my presence. i can live like this. i can live with you letting me smell your most intimate parts and letting me kiss and bite your knee caps but not let me kiss you. i can live like this. i shouldn't. i hope you feel better. i really hope you do. and i hope one day you realize how much i love you. and if i ever move on, i hope you don't miss me. but i hope you do.

you want the wanting but you don't want the want. and that's what has me shackled at my feet unable to move on.

It's like learning a new language, helps me catch up on my mime.

Your eyes still steal all my sighs.

champagne year full of sober months.

i am magnetized by your big brown eyes
and the way i wouldn't mind getting lost in them
see, i've gazed into beautiful eyes before
but now i only want to gaze into yours
i want to climb inside your retina and build us a fire
i want to sleep in your iris and make a photo album of our home

you make me feel really stupid and for that, i hate myself.

i was doing so well, i just can't help that i miss you.

The Doors- The End

this is the end
beautiful friend
this is the end
my only friend, the end
of our elaborate plans, the end
of everything that stands, the end
no safety or surprise, the end
i'll never look into your eyes...again
can you picture what will be
so limitless and free
desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
in a...desperate land
lost in a roman...wilderness of pain
and all the children are insane
all the children are insane
waiting for the summer rain, yeah
there's danger on the edge of town
ride the king's highway, baby
weird scenes inside the gold mine
ride the highway west, baby
ride the snake, ride the snake
to the lake, the ancient lake, baby
the snake is long, seven miles
ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
the west is the best
the west is the best
get here, and we'll do the rest
the blue bus is callin' us
the blue bus is callin' us
driver, where you taken' us
the killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
he took a face from the ancient gallery
and he walked on down the hall
he went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
paid a visit to his brother, and then he
he walked on down the hall, and
and he came to a door...and he looked inside
father, yes son, i want to kill you
mother...i want to...fuck you
c'mon baby, take a chance with us
c'mon baby, take a chance with us
c'mon baby, take a chance with us
and meet me at the back of the blue bus
doin' a blue rock
on a blue bus
doin' a blue rock
c'mon, yeah
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
this is the end
beautiful friend
this is the end
my only friend, the end
it hurts to set you free
but you'll never follow me
the end of laughter and soft lies
the end of nights we tried to die
this is the end

Vita Sackville West to Virginia Woolf.

"I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary a phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it. And yet I believe you’ll be sensible of a little gap. But you’d clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this —But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it."

one of my favorite pieces of writing. i wish i could write beautiful like this, maybe that way you would have come back. maybe that way you would have loved me.

good hold.

things changed last night

sentiments shifted

my thoughts deviated from your eyes and onto someone else's