i often forget that you're not the only girl in the world, but you are the only one that matters.

you've got a look i can't describe.

your eyes are like caves
dark
and always hiding something
sneaking up behind me
making me lose my breath

life makes no sense and everything i write is irrelevant if i'm not writing about you.

i dove into you.

this is the scary part. the part when things are fucking great and you're already telling me you love me. and i want to believe you, god knows i want to, but i can't. i can't believe you because the last time someone told me they were in love with me, i died. and i'm just now getting back up from it. this is the scary part. when things are this amazing, when things seem too good to be true, they probably are and i'm scared. i'm scared because i know myself and i know that i won't run even if i think i should. i'm scared because my feelings get stronger every day, every hour, every minute, every second and i know soon i will be head over heels and i will open up completely again and i'll be vulnerable and this will have the chance, once again, to kick my ass. love is a fucking bacteria that if you don't clean around it well, it will infect you and fucking kill you. i don't want this to happen again. i want to run but something tells me not to, so i won't.

you're the only consistent part of my life. i can always count on you to let me down.

you're in my skin and my bones.

your jet black hair sends me on waves to the horizon
let me swim on your eyebrows
that arch like rainbows
where your eyes are the treasure at the end
next to flowers and "i love you"
written by the clouds
and on my notebook
these white lines shift color with time
and i don't mind any shade as long as you're by my side

i love you and you encompass everything that defines that word. the word means nothing unless i'm with you. it'll never have meaning with any one else, that i know for sure. like an "instant given". as you've always been to me. and i mean that in the sense that i have always been yours, before i even knew it. -J

because sometimes, just sometimes, life is fucking amazing.

J: don't make me be mean to you. i'll say hurtful things to make you run away from me and you'll prove me right.

like being mean to me has ever gotten a girl anywhere.

the life and death of miss badmouth.

my dearest
my right left-handed
with coals for eyes
my coarse fingers
want to hurt your velvet-like skin
they want to burn deep into your flesh
and leave acid stains like freckles
my razor sharp teeth
crave to find the nook of your neck
to rest their tips gently on your feminine coating
and taste the iron-like liquid that nourishes your heart

You can't miss me
Any type of missing me is voluntary
I'm always here
You can't miss me

i'm willingly taking the poison.
i can't blame my cigarette for how each drag tastes.

i can fix everyone's problems except mine.

let me kidnap your dreams
i'll live in your soul forever
making your arms my bed
and your heart my home

you filled my pen with ink
and my mouth with blood
my cheeks are filled with chunks of tongue
from when you killed me with your words
like machetes chopping my limbs
getting stuck on the bones
kill me first
don't torture me like this
don't take every part of my body as your own
don't claim what isn't yours anymore

set my spirit free.

i walked into her room. i wasn't sure if she wasn't ready to leave yet or wanted me to help her look for something. i walk past the hallway and step just outside her doorway. i lift my hand up to knock when i see her. my jaw drops. she's spread out in bed. her white sheets brightening up the room, tangled between her legs and covering only the bottom part of her body. she's naked and beautiful, like venus de milo, but in person and perfect. her breasts are exposed and her pink nipples erect. the only thing my brain can process is "sorry, i thought you were ready." i wobbily made for the living room in a state of panic, shock, excitement. i'm actually petrified but smiling inside as well. "a**ee" she says in a slight louder tone than usual. this is the first time i hear her say my name in a really long time. "yeah?" i answer. "come here." my heart beats like a hollow drum. i turn around and walk back the five steps to her bedroom. she's sitting on the bed now, still naked. i look at her and she stares at me which makes me nervous and i look away. "i can put my clothes back on if you want" she says while she wraps her precious body in the white sheet. "no" i say, "i don't want you to." i'm still standing by the doorway, she gets up, still wrapped in her sheet. "are you gonna do something about it?" she asks. i feel like i'm seeing a woman naked for the first time in my life. she holds onto the sheet with one hand as she walks towards me and reaches out for me with the other. she takes me by the hand to her bed. i stop her and turn her around and pull her against me. i kiss her. i grab her by the waist and push her body tighter against mine. she nibbles on my bottom like she promised years ago and then continues to bite it, gentle and then hard. i grab her face and take a good look at it. i trace the outline of her lips with my thumb, stare into her eyes (i get lost for a moment), and i kiss her hard, like this is the last time i will kiss these lips again. she let's go of the white sheet and it drops at our feet.

The Cure- Pictures Of You

i have this insane urge to talk to a certain girl. all i can do is listen to the cure. this is the only song that makes sense.



i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost believe that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are
all i can feel

remembering
you standing quiet in the rain
as i ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in
holding you close
how i always held close in your fear
remembering
you running soft through the night
you were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
and screamed at the make-believe
screamed at the sky
and you finally found all your courage
to let it all go

remembering
you fallen into my arms
crying for the death of your heart
you were stone white
so delicate
lost in the cold
you were always so lost in the dark
remembering
you how you used to be
slow drowned
you were angels
so much more than everything
hold for the last time then slip away quietly
open my eyes
but i never see anything

if only i'd thought of the right words
i could have held on to your heart
if only i'd thought of the right words
i wouldn't be breaking apart
all my pictures of you

looking so long at these pictures of you
but i never hold on to your heart
looking so long for the words to be true
but always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to never feel the breaking apart
all my pictures of you

letting go, moving on
however, my darlin', it was fucking beautiful falling at your feet

dear JL,

are you going through my blogspot?

it's too soon to write about you. but i love it when you call me baby.

heart and lungs.

i took out a cigarette from my bag, grabbed my white lighter, and lit the end of my cigarette. i put the poison in between my lips and let the smoke circulate around inside my cheeks. its smell keeping warm inside my hair. i thought of you with every drag i gave, short or long. and i thought of you with every toxic ring that came out of my mouth. taking with it a little piece of my heart, a little piece of lungs. ridding me of my soul. leaving stains on my teeth and stains on my fingers. i close my eyes to not get smoke in them, to not think of you. but the curls of my smoke shape a silhouette of your body. and even with eyes closed, i can feel it wrapping around my body, leaving its scent all over me.

blah blah blah.




this is the last post i admit is about you.