nuit blanche.

i'm letting my feelings whither
i'll let time take its course and let them vanish
i'm letting the wind blow emotions away
like wishing on dandelions
i'm digging their grave and burying them six feet under
i'm tying an anchor and tossing them in the middle of the ocean
(please stay down)
(please don't flow back up)
these feelings have been nailed to my fingers for far too long
holding on to the beds of my nails
biting the cuticles and making them bleed
i'm letting my feelings whither
like flowers that were once beautiful

i can't make smoke, only steam.

the best things i've written were doodled on your legs.

my thoughts take me downtown.

reality set in
like my empty pockets on an expensive night
how panic sets in and rushes your nerves
nerves that pour out of your pores
like a rusty pipe broken loose

i may not write like pablo neruda, but i sure as hell loved you just as much as he loved matilde.

 

20 years old. telling it like it is.

itzel: you wouldn't like me.

aidee: why's that?

itzel: because you're looking for some kind of conflict in a relationship and it's something i won't give you.

i wouldn't mind waking up to your pretty face every morning.

the body aches and the ache takes its time.

i wonder if you're scissors and i'm paper
and if the lines on my notebook are promises you made
if the reason i'm blank is because you aren't by my side
and if the tears on the edges were caused by your touch
am i the pen and are you the ink?
am i bleeding out your name?

City and Colour- Northern Wind

you're the northern wind
sending shivers down my spine
you're like falling leaves
in an autumn night

you're the lullaby
that's singing me to sleep
you are the other half
you're like the missing piece

oh my love
oh my love
oh my love
you don't know
what you do to me, to me

you are all four seasons
rolled into one
like the cold december snow
in the warm july sun
i'm the jet black sky
that's just before the rain
like the mighty current
pulling you under the waves

oh my love
oh my love
oh my love
you don't know what you do to me
To me
i'm the darkest hour
just before the dawn
and i'm slowly sinking
into the slough of despond

spring.

the flowers bloom while june glooms
i'd pick the petals off a flower
but i know my answer
and there's no point in killing one flower in the name of another

your hands are my map home.

needles drop soft and sharp, my earthquake.

"i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. not fuck, like in those movies. not even have sex. just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. but i lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. so i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was a hurricane." - John Green

you're so hard to please, which is why i think i'm still so fucking fascinated by all that you are. also, i can't get over how cute you eat and how beautiful you are.

"un dolor asi, dolor del alma, no se quita con remedios, terapia o vacaciones; un dolor asi se sufre simplemente a fondo, sin atenuantes, como debe ser." - isabel allende

turn me into phantoms.

it's a damn shame that you will never know what it feels like to be in love with you. you're missing out.

sweet krokodil.

Etta Jones- Don't Go To Strangers

build your dreams to the stars above
but when you need someone to love
don't go to strangers, darlin', come to me

pay with fire till your fingers burn
and when there's no place for you to turn
don't go to strangers, darlin', come to me

for, when you hear a call to follow your heart
you'll follow your heart i know
i've been through it all, for i'm an old hand
and i'll understand if you go

so...
make your mark for your friends to see
but when you need more than company
don't go to strangers, darlin', come to me

i can see this friendship drifting
i can see this friendship ending

i'm not difficult to love, i'm just unlovable.

i've said much, too much.

i have no right to love you
i have no right to fall on my knees and beg to god to bring you back to me
to curl up in a fetal position in a corner of my cold mattress crying out your name
i have no right to carve your precious name on my arm
i have no right for the scars of the weight you've put in my heart
someone once told me that love isn't for the weak
and here i am, frail at best
crawling on a floor that feels like shards of glass have burrowed in my knees
reaching for something that isn't there
gasping for air
agonizing over the fact that you never loved me
and you will never love me
my hands dissolve into ashes with each centimeter i crawl towards a void
an emptiness that blinds my eyes
and burns my skin
like an acid filled ocean
distributing sharp needles along my bloodstream
needles like veins sending pain to my heart
lacerating the arteries
and ridding them of oxygen
until there is just a gaping body
breathless and lifeless
i don't have a right to love you
i have no right to rip out my vocal chords as i yell into my hands
i don't want to speak if i can't say your name
i have no right to clench my fist and crush my fingers on a cement wall
for bruises to accessorize my knuckles with purple and yellow
i have no right to wear these scars
the bags under my eyes
the swelling of them
the broken glass against my skin
i have no right to love you
to have endless nights wishing you were here
to dream with your beautiful face and how lovely it would look on my pillows
for your body to be wrapped in my arms and legs
and covered in blankets
i have no right to love you
i have no right to hurt for you
i have no right to cry over you
i have no right to love you
but i do
how dare i?

she says "umm what?" with an emphasis on the t, in a soft and low voice, almost whispering and smiling.

all of my all haunts are now haunting me.

you should kill me again
for your nails to dig deep in the palms of my hands
like rusty nails being hammered in
for your mouth to devour me whole
as if you were stealing my soul
for your legs to crush my face
like being trapped between closing walls
for your eyes to burn
as if i was looking at the sun
for your words to fly out of your lips
like dancing feathers with the wind
you should kill me again
i want you to kill me again

blatant thoughts connect every freckle on your body
your mood swings with every curl of my hair

and still there was you, the center of me.

i want to see you smiling. i want to see you wearing a sun dress, with your legs and feet bare. with naked knees and grass stains. i want to greet you with flowers that you will put in a vase and then cut one off to wear in you hair. i want to hand feed you french fries. and sit in the grass with you while we listen to music and laugh until it hurts. i want to lay next to a tree, under the stars looking at the moon, for the sky to clothe us. i want to hold your hand again. and have the courage to kiss it and hold it close to my chest. i want to take you home and take off your shoes before we go to bed because you're too tired to do so yourself. i want you to pass out once in a while over the covers so i can kiss your forehead and get you a blanket so you don't get cold. i want to bring you breakfast in bed. at night, i want to hold you from behind and kiss your neck and back and smell your hair. and as the night progresses, i want you to face me so i can kiss you as you give a little sigh. i want to kiss your knees every time i see you. and rub your feet. i want to bring you flowers and ice cream. and kiss your nose when you do something cute.

to be continued...

your heart blew out petals
all with "i love you nots"

you.

You may be difficult to love for everyone else but you’ve never been difficult to love for me. It’s the only thing i think i’ve ever been good at, loving you.

i don't want to want it this bad.

i'd love to be permanently attached to your knees.

i'd be crazy not to follow where you lead.

i thought about you this morning

as the sun peaked in through my window

while the covers caped over my body

and the blankets printed their shape on my cheeks

i thought about your smile

and how it glides side to side on your face

i thought about your little feet

and how you always have them on the couch

i thought about your hair

and how it reminds me of a disney movie

i thought about your eyes

and how i get lost in them

they're hypnotizing 

like the moon at night

i looked at my hands and there's ink on them

smudged from your glorious legs

like a souvenir that i was actually there

i thought about how much i still love you

and how there's nothing i can do about it

and how fucking amazing you smell

and how it makes me want to die

you will be my demise, my darlin'

and i don't mind

paige.

the most beautiful creature that's walked this earth.

it is happening again. part II

i walked home filling my lungs with the smell of you on my blue cardigan.
i don't ever want to wash it.

you devil bird, you evil still. part VII

i have never been so turned on by anything in my life

i'd spend my life in between your legs if i had the chance

i'd starve myself so the only thing i'd have to eat was you

i'd grind the callouses off my hands to keep them nice and smooth when i run my hands up your legs

i'd love to waste my lips on you

i love how you smell

please destroy me.

your name moves mountains

your legs could hold the sea

your scent feeds like an oasis in the desert

i can't write anymore
but if i could
i'd still write about you

you're the only one i see.

i want two jars of your tears
one when you have cried out of joy
and the other when you have cried out of sadness
i want to drown in both
and drink them as holy water
as if the earth has cleansed your body to clean mine
as if the sky has ran out of rain
and i have the most sacred source of water in my possession
your angelic tears
the one thing i'd give up sex for
your eyes like embers
hold diamonds inside

you suck the words out of my body and all i have are tiny gasps of air.

april 12, 2012.

you know those words that used to taste so sweet in your tongue but left an after taste so bitter, you hardly say them out loud? that's how i feel right now. god, that felt weird.

keep you apart, deep in my heart.

the only picture of you and me.

i only want to see the light
but the sun burns my eyes

the stars are aligned, but they don't align for us.

i'm changing my identity
i'm dyeing my hair
and cutting my hair
i will tape my breasts
and stop biting my nails
i'll quit my drinking
and pick up smoking
i'm shaving my arms
but not my legs
i'm covering my scars
and keeping my heart in a safe
i'm slowly turning into a different person
a man, even
maybe that way you'd love me

City and Colour- Off By Heart


the stars are aligned, but they don't align for us
excuse me for i am the ocean, and i will starve for you
will you know how to stay brave?
such fragile moments we share
you are my everything
even with nothing to say

you. part II

sometimes, when i think about it, i can't believe at some point you actually liked me. it's been all heart ache for over a fucking year now that i can't believe there was a time when my i love yous were responded with i love yous and my i miss yous were corresponded as well. i swear, all i do is shake my head and smile when i think of you. such a strange thing this is.

i might have lead a mediocre life, but goddamn i did love.

i've never been this unhappy in my life. yes, i've been terribly sad and love is always a fucking cunt to me, but i had my family, and very strong friendships and i had a job and i was starting school. now i have nothing. the one thing i thought was unbreakable, is now...not broken, but not like it used to be. i have nothing to talk about anymore because my life is like on hold, except, it's still going. time keeps taking its course but i'm not moving. there is nothing here for me, sometimes i think there isn't anything for me anywhere and this is it, like my life is supposed to stop now.

Fionn Regan- For A Nightingale

i would walk you home
and then i sail you to the door
under white bulbs flashing
cross the ocean's roar

you're a star
you're a star

i would tell you things
that i told nobody else
put your arms inside my jacket
kiss me on the steps

you're a star
you're a star
my little heart would beat
when i saw your snow white feet
eyes of blue, deep and wide
and your hair blows in the
wind it hurts me darling

do do do do do
oh, here it comes
do do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
fills your lungs
brings you back to life

as the seasons change
and the nights grew longer still
i'd wait for you in the lane
by your house upon the hill

you're a star
you're a star
my little heart would beat
when i saw your snow white feet
eyes of blue, deep and wide
and your hair blows in the
wind it hurts me darling

do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
fills your lungs
brings you back to life

i love you and i always will love you
i love you and i always will

do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
well, here it comes
do do do do
it's gone in a flash
do do do do
it fills your lungs
brings you back to life

you can't feel me
my touch is evanescent
i'm like a single hair trying to tickle your arm
it's almost as if i was never there
i leave no impact
i'm the weakest after shock after an earthquake
nothing smells of me
i can't leave my fingerprints on anything
i'm foot steps on a sandy and windy desert
i'm nowhere in sight

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth.

perfection resides in your face
and here i am
looking at it
but not being able to kiss it

the ceiling
your knees
your chin against my shoulder
your foot on my lap
i've lost all my senses
you've destroyed my defenses

to you. and by you, i mean you.

yes, the universe is unfair
because you deserve nothing less than wonderful and amazing things
you deserve to have a house full of beautiful flowers
because you deserve to be sent flowers every day
you deserve golden mountains
and a tub of diamonds
you deserve for your pockets to be filled with kisses and hugs
because your face deserves to have a smile permanently attached to it
you deserve the infinite warmth of someone
and for arms to hold you forever
yes, the universe is unfair
you deserve the universe to be kind to you
because you've been through enough
you deserve the world at the palm of your hand
for the stars' purpose to be to keep you company at night
and the moon to be a silent companion for the rest of your life
you deserve to be happy
you deserve to be loved
for your heart to be intact
if i could, i would turn my insides inside out
and nourish your broken heart with them
you deserve the love of anyone you love
whoever that person may be
and you deserve to stop hurting
i'd sit in anguish watching you love someone for you to be happy
so yes, the universe in unfair
because you deserve everything you want
you deserve to be loved as much as you love
you deserve to be the happiest girl in the world
you deserve the universe to fall at your feet and grant you what you want

i slur my speech
i write like i talk
i drag my pen

i want to be the oxygen that circulates around in your lungs.

anytime will do, my love.

i want you bare legged and in a sundress
i want you next to me, on top of me, or under me
i want you straddling me
i want you clothed
and naked
i want you when you're happy
i want you when you're sad
i want you bathed
and i want you dirty
i want you single or taken
with or without children
with cats
or dogs
or neither
i want you sitting and standing
i want you in bed
i want you in the living room
i want you on the floor
in the kitchen and bathroom
i want you unemployed or with a job
with long or short hair
blonde, brunette, redhead
blue, green, purple, rainbow colored hair
i want you walking
or running
dancing
i want you playing volleyball
i want you wet
or dry
i prefer you dry
so i can make you wet
i want you
whether you want me or not
i want you whether you love me or not

you've braided my thoughts with signals i can't understand
and tightened your grip with words that bring pain

Carla Morrison- Esta Soledad

i wish you understood spanish so you could enjoy carla morrison as much as i do. i know you'd love the lyrics.



esta soledad me esta quemando las pestañas
llenandome de telarañas
y me pone a chillar
que puedo hacer?
soportar seguir sufriendo por el sueño que estoy siguiendo
yo no sabia que era tan dificil

me encuentro aqui, caminando
gracias a dios, soportando
claro que si, caminando
con lagrimas derramando

no me tomes a mal
disfruto luchar por lo que quiero
sea lo que sea yo lo tengo
me parto en tres, en dos, o en ceros

ansiedad mi pulso menta por los cielos
alguna calma es lo que deseo
buscando, pienso y pienso

when i think of you, my hand starts writing automatically.