to my sister.

i have a sister. such a weird thing to write and it's even stranger to say it out loud. but i do. and i have another brother other than the rubber ducky and the leopard. that sounds even more bizarre. the last time i saw my sister was in early february of 2010 when my cousin paula passed away. her name is mireya. it was on paula's passing that i realized what a selfish person i was being. and how cowardly i was and how shitty i was being to a person who had wanted a relationship with me and i had denied it to her. i couldn't help but be pissed off that she was the reason my mom and dad got divorced, well, her mom was. on the day of paula's passing, all of us cousins were sitting in my other cousin's room (paula's sister) and everyone but mireya and i left the room. it was really awkward to be in a room alone with her because we've never had a relationship or a friendship. i see her once every few years and here we were in the same room, crying over the same thing. the room was silent and we were sitting on opposite sides of kelly's bed and then she said "pobre kelly. y tu yo somos hermanas y no se como hablarte." i remember how shitty i felt. my heart broke. i felt like she was aching to talk to me and i had been difficult to do so, something i never thought i would be. i told her to say whatever she wanted to say, that i would listen. i can't tell this to most people because my voice breaks everytime. i'm sorry for being a bad sister. i'm sorry for not being there when you have needed your sister's advice. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm not brave enough to tell you i love you. because i do. it's your 20th birthday in a few minutes. i wish you a good one.