anything you do, if it doesn't hurt, excites me.

pizza.

we had pizza twice. the first time was after not seeing her for almost six months. probably the longest six months of my life. she hated me over something i said and i understood but that didn't mean i didn't miss her and that also didn't mean i wasn't sad that she despised me. the first time i saw her after six months we went to eat pizza. she was wearing a leopard print blouse and her hair was in a braid. i had never seen her in a braid. she smelled wonderful and she looked as beautiful as i remembered her. her best friend, her, and i walked to the pizza place. we looked at the outside menu and walked inside. it was warm. we were seated in a little booth. she sat down and i wasn't sure if i should sit down next to her friend or next to her. i wanted to sit next to her... and i did. i remembered the night i met her and how we went to denny's but never went in because my best friend was throwing up all over the place. i was told later that she wanted to go to denny's and sit next to me. the thought drowns me with a wave of nostalgia. i wanted to sit next to her too. her friend sits in front of us. we order our food: pepperoni pizza, barbecue wings, and salad. and she orders ice tea for herself and i order coke for myself. our salad and wings are brought to us first and we all grab some. our pizza arrives last and we all get a slice of the still sizzling pizza that is placed next to me. she gets barbecue on her chin and i try not to look at her while it's still there because it makes me smile and it makes me want to kiss it off. when i look at her again, it's gone. i eat my pizza and cut off the crust. "you don't eat the crust?" she asks. i shake my head no. "can i have it?" i nod, and say "go ahead." and she gets it from my plate and eats it. the thought of her eating something that is mine makes my heart warm. i think it's ridiculously cute that she wants to eat my crust. i'm sure it's not that it's my crust she wants to eat but i don't care, she is. i try not to smile but i do, i don't think she notices.

the second time we eat pizza we go to another place closer to her place. my favorite pizza place in san diego. except this time, it's my best friend, her, and i. we order a pepperoni pizza and three drinks. the cashier misspells her name on our receipt. our pizza is ready and my best friend goes and brings it to our table. we all grab a slice and i make it a point to cut off my crust and leave it on my plate. "aren't you gonna eat your crust?" she asks. no, i answer. "i'm gonna eat it then." i smile at her and say okay. she reaches over, she looks a bit excited, and eats my crust.

this reminded me of you and it reminded me of me.

things i've begun to write but haven't finished. all about you.

secret vice.

there's nothing i love more than the grasp, the feel, the sounds, the smell, the touch, and the taste of a woman when she's having an orgasm. the convulsions against my mouth, the thrusting and squirming. the grabbing of hair. the grasp on the sheets. toes curling and digging on my back. heavy breathing, muffled moans, loud moans, biting of lips. deadly leg locks around my face. how her head is thrown back and how long their necks look. closed eyes, slightly parted lips. hearts beating rapidly. the smell of my hands and face. her taste. and the kiss at the end.

she looked like someone who had grown up smiling
but somewhere in the middle life happened
and now she was just terribly disappointed

i have this feeling that won't let me breathe. i feel like the night you told me you weren't in love with me and the months that followed after that. i don't know what's going on with me. i have no reason to feel this way, but i do and i hate myself for it.

you won't realize i'm gone.

come undo this knot in my throat

come unravel this sea

i need to cry you out of my system

i wish i was the moon tonight.

here's to all the pretty words we will never speak. here's to all the pretty girls i am gonna meet.

los angeles, i'm yours. perhaps now i will be able to listen to the decemberists and not cry. maybe i'm asking for too much too soon. all i know is that in may i no longer will be in this beautiful city that i have such deep hatred towards. san diego, although beautiful, you've treated me unkind and i hate you. i've been talking about leaving san diego since i was 16 and nine years later i am moving two hours north. it's a start, right? i need new streets to walk in. i need new air to breathe. i need the toxicity of it. i need new faces to see and new people to love. i am running away. i have never wanted to run away from anything this badly in my life. i need it. i need it for my sanity, for my emotional well being. i am gonna die in san diego if i don't leave. i need new people in my life. people here continue to disappoint me and i keep disappointing them. i've grown tired of everyone and everyone's grown tired of me so it's best to just pack up and go. i'm scared, but my fear isn't as big as my desire to get the fuck out of here. i want to go to a bar and meet someone new, a man or a woman, and tell them that i am not from los angeles, but from san diego. i crave that moment almost like i crave a woman's body. i can feel it, i can almost taste it. i want out. i want out of this, whatever this is.

The Decemberists- Los Angeles, I'm Yours

i am flawed if i'm not free.

i walk around immune to people's emotions
numb to their sentiments
i guess the morphine is finally paying off
the scars of my arms are fading
along with the face of certain girls
they vanish into the wind
thick with black smoke
i think i smoked you away
when i tried to drink you in

i fell in love with your breathing as you dozed off.

my biggest fault is believing that people will change.

remember the time you looked at me closely with eyes of gold?

i still feel you in my chest
extracting my soul like bone marrow
i still feel you in my knuckles
stripping me of my dignity with your hands
i still feel you under dimmed lights
disarming me with your eyes

what a horrible feeling it is to love someone who doesn't love you back.

nothing even matters.

you're part of my identity
i sometimes have the tendency
to look at you religiously
coz nothing even matters to me

- lauryn hill

i want to kiss your knees.

i'm blind and tortured.

i always think about you at the beach
as if the water is calling your name with every crashing wave
as if the sand wants to wrap you up in little grains of salt
to cure the scratches and cuts that life has given you
like if the fish jump out of the water in excitement
as if it's their way to greet their mermaid
i always imagine you at the beach
with your shoes full of sand
and your lips tasting of the salty breeze
just the moon keeping an eye on us
the sky covering us in its shadow
and the stars smiling at us
i always imagine you at the beach
and if i've never been there with you

Jeff Buckley- Mojo Pin



i'm lying in my bed
the blanket is warm
this body will never be
safe from harm
still feel your hair
black ribbons of coal
touch my skin
to keep me whole

oh, if only you'd come back to me
if you laid at my side
wouldn't need no mojo pin
to keep me satisfied

don't wanna weep for you
don't wanna know
i'm blind and tortured
the white horses flow (horse has flown)
memories fire
the rhythms fall slow
black beauty i love you so

oh, precious precious silver and gold
and pearls in oyster's flesh
drop down we two to serve and pray to love
born again from the rhythm
screaming down from heaven
ageless, ageless and i'm there in your arms

don't wanna weep for you
i don't wanna know
i'm blind and tortured
the white horses flow
the memories fire
the rhythms fall slow..
black beauty i love you so

oh the welts of your scorn, my love
give me more
send whips of opinion down my back
give me more
well it's you i've waited my life to see
it's you i've searched so hard for

don't wanna weep for you
don't wanna know
i'm blind and tortured
the white horses flow (horse has flown)
the memories fire
the rhythms fall slow
black beauty i love you so

for women who are ‘difficult’ to love.

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

-warsan shire

"what secret knowledge is clasped between your pillars?" -pablo neruda

God knows i'm dying to find out.

showed me moonlight on her sunrise.

she's beautiful, divine, alluring, stunning, exquisite. you need all the pretty words in the dictionary and in every language to describe her because there isn't just one word that can capture all her essence. beautiful falls short, you need more than that.

i love when your hair is tucked inside your coat.

monday night.

cutest little dance ever.

i need to get out of here. i am driving myself crazy. i will be my own death.

your shoulders
your knees
my head in the clouds
my thoughts about you
my mind to the ocean
your home
my mermaid
you

this is it
i can feel it
i can almost taste it
as my heart beats with anxiety
this is it
i'm terrified

come to me and let me worship you for one night.

que bonito seria poder volar y a tu lado ponerme yo a cantar.

son las cinco de la mañana
no llegamos a casa
y nuestros ojos no descansan
"vamos a la playa" me dices
llegamos y bajamos el malecon para sentarnos en la arena
te sientas a mi lado
tu pierna toca la mia
y vemos como las olas del mar se desbaratan una con la otra
el viento sopla tu pelo hacia mi
mi nariz se llena de ti
como un globo se llena de helio
y asi se siente tambien
como si estuviera flotando
como si nada existiera mas que este momento
tu, a mi lado
y yo, aqui, acompañandote

Rosario- Que Bonito


que bonito cuando te veo
que bonito cuando te siento
que bonito pensar que estas aqui
junto a mi
que bonito cuando me hablas
que bonito cuando te callas
que bonito sentir que estas aqui
junto a mi
que bonito seria poder volar
y a tu lado ponerme yo a cantar
como siempre... lo haciamos los dos
que mi cuerpo no para de notar
que tu alma conmigo siempre esta
y que nunca de mi se apartara
que bonito tu pelo negro
que bonito tu cuerpo entero
que bonito mi amor todo tu ser
si tu ser
que bonito seria poder volar
y a tu lado ponerme yo a cantar
como siempre lo haciamos los dos
que mi cuerpo no para de notar
que tu alma conmigo siempre esta
y que nunca de mi se apartara
que bonito cuando acaricio
tu guitarra entre mis manos
que bonito poder sentirte asi
siempre asi
que bonito mi amor todo tu ser
si tu ser

baby, won't you be with me?

the best things in life come from girls' lips.

Sallie Ford & the Sound Outside- Against The Law


wanna eat you up like a piece of cake
even if it was the worst mistake
baby, baby won't you be with me
wanna suck you up in a straw
even if it was against the law
baby, baby won't you be with me
well i don't know what they saw
but it wasn't against the law
wanna take off all your clothes
wanna get rid of all my woes
baby, baby won't you be with me
wanna teach you about the night
wanna teach you, wanna teach you right
baby, baby won’t you be with me

you're a frequent flyer, i can be your runway.

i wish my brain would shut up.
i also wish my heart would go hide away in a cave for a long time.

of course.

of course shit gets shown to me today.

m love: i'm a mush because of you. and i want it again. not being completely exclusive with eachother but i want to really date you. not this. whatever this is. i want us to try again. you said i never gave you a chance when we broke up. i'm giving you a chance and i hope you still want it.

i'm unsure if i want it.

the murdering ghost that i cannot ignore.

a lent moon at five in the morning falls short at your beauty. i rode the passenger seat of a friend's car staring at it for hours. following it like a wolf when it's close to midnight, aching to howl. i had followed it since it was still just a simple, but beautiful, full moon. until it looked like the sun at sunrise, still in the dark. just the moon to guide us. we passed by trees at night that followed our shadows beneath the blue sky, leaving its silhouettes behind. my shirt smelled of sour apple and rum. and the car was filled with an ocean breeze and shoes full of sand. i looked at the moon the whole time, never even looking at my friend. i couldn't bare to look at something that wasn't the moon. in a way, i felt like i was looking at you. i really wish i was the moon. i'd keep me closer to you if i was. you'd find me beautiful if i was. you'd love me if i was.

Sufjan Stevens- A Loverless Bed


such a shame that i can't get over this
put the axle on and roll again

such a Saturn eye will close again
watching every ring turning again

and i close my eyes
to everything you've rearranged
and i close my mind
to everything you've kept the same
put the axle on and roll again

cannot keep you in my bed again
wake up every time, leave your space again

when the hairline breaks and lends you in
to the woman you've turned red again

you exude magic. i'm bewitched.

you devil bird, you evil still. part VI

i'd give anything to be the bobby pin that holds your hair in a twist
and the hairspray that struggles to keep it curled
it's always been the case that the smell of your skin takes over my finest sense
and your lips consume all that is me, including my name
that the freckles in my face can't spell anything other than "i love you, *****"
and the hair on my arms only stand up and greet you when they see your face
i'd give anything to be a tattoo on your body
for me to be in between your skin as a beautiful design that you will look at with admiration and caress softly with your hands
to be that permanent on your skin
i'd give anything to be the two freckles on your lips
it's a wish and a dream to kiss your lips forever
the only thing i wish more than to be your freckles is to be who heals the wounds of your heart
and love you for the rest of our lives

i'm sorry for being shitty company. i just don't know what to say to you when you're all i talk about.

to be alone with you.

it's how it feels like the whole world glows on her skin and i can touch it
how the universe built the sun out of her smile
and the stars out of her eyes
how it made the moon her mother
the sky her playground
and the clouds her bed
it's how comets are seen when she's running around
and meteors crash when she's upset
it's how the universe created this perfect creature to let me know how beautiful it really is
i believe it now because i've seen its beauty
because i've touched her and even smelled her
and because i love her
even if she will never be mine, knowing she exists makes me believe

Sufjan Stevens- To Be Alone With You


i'd swim across lake michigan
i'd sell my shoes
i'd give my body to be back again
in the rest of the room
to be alone with you

i’ll stop writing and fantasizing about you soon, i promise.

we'll let the ashes fly.

i knock on her door and she greets me with a mischievous smile, almost letting me know that something is about to happen inside these four walls, above this brown carpet, behind closed doors. she gives me a hug and she smells amazing. as we are separating from the hug i held her a little closer before we completely parted ways. i grab her face and i kiss her lips and pull back. she leans and kisses me back. her arms around my neck. my right hand on her waist. my lips sucking on her bottom lip while hers sucks on my top lip. we both breathe heavily immediately. we both turn to eachother's right. our tongues waltzing beautifully with one another. she tastes like cherry and beer. a combination made to perfection, like her. we are kissing in the middle of her doorway. we come apart and she takes me by the hand leading to her room. i follow behind running my teeth on my lips and trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest. we go inside her room and i close the door behind me and i pull her to me. my back against her door and i kiss her again. we kiss deeply. my tongue is in love with her tongue. things start getting hot and heavy fast and my hands move down to her butt and i grab on to it. i squeeze and have my hands all over it. i move my hands up to her back and under her shirt and i pull it up. her arms reach stretched up as her shirt is going over her head. her flows with the wind the shirt makes. i take a moment to see her there, half naked before my eyes. she's wearing a black lace bra. kissing happens again and this time i run my hands from her back to her breasts and i squeeze them and play with the two most amazing looking tits my eyes have ever seen. just kill me. i pull her in closer, i don't want any light in between our bodies. i kiss her chin, then her neck, and the runway all the way down to her chest area and i kiss and i suck gently on her skin. she grabs onto my back with pressure. i undo her bra and i pull the straps down off her shoulders. i feel it fall at a pile at our feet along with her shirt. i kiss her breasts and i suck on her nipples softly. i give her small bites too. i keep kissing her body and going down until i am on my knees. her eyes are closed the whole time. i kiss just below her belly button and i look up at her, almost asking if it's okay to continue. she looks down at me, grabs my face and kisses me, i continue. i unbutton her levi's and pull them all the way down. she's wearing matching black lace underwear. she lifts up one leg and then the other. my goodness, i could die right now. these legs are glorious. i run my hands up starting from her ankles to her thighs. the higher i go, the warmer she gets. i follow my hands with my lips and i give her legs gentle bites until i reach her inner thigh. i touch her in between the legs, over her underwear. my index and middle finger moving along her crevice back and forth. i feel her body react. she grabs my hair. i kiss her still covered vagina and i slowly pull down her underwear exposing the complete and exquisite anatomy of the most beautiful woman that has ever existed.

to be continued...

Handsome Boy Modeling School- I've Been Thinkin'


i was hypnotized
by your fairy eyes
like a tiger in the dark
you were hungry from the start

i can't help but imagine your heels digging on my back.

i'll try to be more romantic.

i need a reason to live
but i what i get is one to die
because my heart to you i'll give
even if all you do is make me cry

i wish i was addicting.

love is watching someone die.

can you look at me and see what i'm missing?

can you see that i yearn for your touch?

how your scent makes me tremble

and your smile makes me mumble

how your kiss make my knees fail?

my first of many notebooks filled with words for you.

the first thing i wrote after you broke my heart.

page 1 of 3 of a love letter.

my eyes are so bleary.

i really liked someone, then i saw you again, and i forgot her name.

does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?

i wish i could add color to this
just take buckets of paint and throw it on a blank canvas
but it's all black and white with shades of gray
color confuses me
confuses this
color complicates
black and white stays the same
it never fully blends

crack my skull and rearrange me.

i was washing the dishes and one of my mom's super heavy green wine glasses slipped out of my hands and landed on another one, breaking both of them. i stood there in a quiet state of a mini shock for a few seconds and my hands were shaking. i kind of wish it had landed on my arm. i stopped the water and dried my hands and started picking up the pieces and placing them on our neighbor's plate that was sitting there, waiting to be useful for something. the first piece i picked up is the bottom of the wine glass with this huge, sharp piece sticking out. i wanted to accidently reach over it and have it get caught on my left arm. i began picking up smaller shards and there was one that stood out because i knew the damage it could cause without much effort. i rinsed it and examined it carefully, touching the sharp part with the tips of my fingers and imagining how nice green looks over my skin as it's being dragged vertically on my arm. i've always loved broken glass more than most things. i left the shard there and walked away for a few minutes. the more i looked at the pile of green glass, the more i wanted to keep all of it. i've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol or cigarettes, but i was addicted to broken glass. this is like the first time you see that person you've been trying to get over all your life and she's standing in front of you but you know this is no good. i love glass. especially broken, like most things i love, and especially when it can make me bleed. i went back and triple-bagged the fucker and threw it away. i had to walk away from it, it's exhausting having to hide your arms and legs from people. but i wanted to keep it all.

your voice is swallowing my soul.

i haven't showered
i haven't cleaned my glasses
i feel like shit
i've been crying all fucking day

today is one emotional day
i hate being a girl sometimes
i'm a mess today
i blame not sleeping

"a tambourine to help keep me calm."

“you’re too passionate for your own good.” - m love.

i always thought passion was kind of a virtue. it’s burdensome these days.

i wish i was the moon tonight.

if life were fair, you would only bathe in a tubful of roses.

star witness.

every time i see you i can't stop listening to neko case and my fascination towards the moon grows a bit more each time.

my favorite taste is that of cherry lips and beer.

i'd rake the springtime across your sheets.

it's the way you placed your foot on my leg 

and how the warmth radiated through my pants

it's your face print on my glasses

i hate that i'm blind

i smell like you

i don't want to ever undress

your ghost is a light show at night.

the whole day my lips tingled, 

as if begging me to kiss her 

like a child pulling on its parents' shirt when it needs attention.

i kept running my teeth on them to stop the tingling 

but the tingling stayed

i've been a coward all my life

i couldn't be a coward anymore

i can't

not when it comes to you

white towel.

i can't help but imagine you wrapped in a white towel
its soft fabric covering your delicate snow white skin
exposing cleavage and both of your knees
small little particles of lint lingering on your shoulders
i wish i was your towel
i'd wrap myself around you
and i would never let go

to my sister.

i have a sister. such a weird thing to write and it's even stranger to say it out loud. but i do. and i have another brother other than the rubber ducky and the leopard. that sounds even more bizarre. the last time i saw my sister was in early february of 2010 when my cousin paula passed away. her name is mireya. it was on paula's passing that i realized what a selfish person i was being. and how cowardly i was and how shitty i was being to a person who had wanted a relationship with me and i had denied it to her. i couldn't help but be pissed off that she was the reason my mom and dad got divorced, well, her mom was. on the day of paula's passing, all of us cousins were sitting in my other cousin's room (paula's sister) and everyone but mireya and i left the room. it was really awkward to be in a room alone with her because we've never had a relationship or a friendship. i see her once every few years and here we were in the same room, crying over the same thing. the room was silent and we were sitting on opposite sides of kelly's bed and then she said "pobre kelly. y tu yo somos hermanas y no se como hablarte." i remember how shitty i felt. my heart broke. i felt like she was aching to talk to me and i had been difficult to do so, something i never thought i would be. i told her to say whatever she wanted to say, that i would listen. i can't tell this to most people because my voice breaks everytime. i'm sorry for being a bad sister. i'm sorry for not being there when you have needed your sister's advice. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm not brave enough to tell you i love you. because i do. it's your 20th birthday in a few minutes. i wish you a good one.