you.

me: well, you can put your legs on top of mine.

you: i already knew that was an option.


i miss you.

september 16.

no heartbeat in sight..

running on the freeway, watching the cars go by past me at near death speed. going nowhere. the trees dance with me as i slowly walk past them, inhaling all their greeness and oxygen they provide me. its leaves diving on my head like rice on a wedding back in the day. the road provides shelter for my eyes, ears, and nose, leaving objects just thrown there or left there. i’m afraid soon, someone will find my corpse. freshly deceased or completely decomposed. either still smelling of warm vanilla with a hint of dirt and maybe gasoline, or smelling of death. blood and rotten insides about to be stolen by a vulture or the devil himself. coz if i were god, i wouldn’t wanna take such a person with such a rank stench..

september 18.

the wind lullabyes me to sleep.

as the birds serenade me with their whistling beaks.

the clouds cover the sun like a fort of blankets make children their home.

the weather is cool and perfect.

and the wind hits me from the east.

kissing my cheek with its cool, soft lips..

september 27.

ice cubes from an empty glass..

when the echoes in my room start to fade and the silence in my ears volumes up..

when the ringing in my brain loses beat and the beating in my heart loses rythm..

i will see your face in my veins and your name in my chest..

the sky will turn red and the clouds will become vapor..

oceans will puddle at my feet and cascades will fall from our eyes..

and i will sink to bottom with the rocks and the fish..

and fill my lungs with your scent..

i can survive on just the thought of you..

september 30.

the thunder makes me miss more

and the rain conceals the tears cascading down my chin

pouring nostalgia.

the sky is nothing but the melancholic and bittersweet taste in my tongue,

that which i can’t seem to get rid of.

the wind hits with violence, breaking me down.

sdfhlaksdjfhklasfhaksfhasdklfjhsadkflhsadkfhskfhskfhaskdfhskadjff

October 17.

someone’s eyes.

your eyes.

the thought of them makes me shiver.

what is it about them that makes my bones quiver?

and make my tongue trip at its own words.

and make me want to fight off your demons with swords.

their sight makes me forget to breathe.

its intensity makes me die peacefully.

they’re hypnotizing.

i get lost in them.

like a labyrinth, one you don’t want to find the exit to.

one where i can live in forever.

i’ll live off their color.

off their essence.

off their beauty.

i’ll never die, for such beauty never fades.

never ends.

it keeps flourishing.

each passing day more precious.

killing those of us fortunate to be in their prescence

by taking our breath away.

it’s the best way to live and die.

lost in your eyes.

pillow.

i love that it's the blue one. i love that i'm gonna wake up to that scent for a few days and when you come back and then leave again, your smell is going to be there, penetrated on my pillow.

missing.

yes, i do miss Joann, but i only miss Joann because she doesn't hurt, because that wound healed ages ago. because we had our good times, but mostly because she's who i think of when i don't wanna think of you. when i don't want to cry over you. when i don't want to hurt. i think of her to keep myself from crying.

your song.

i'd never said i love you to anyone, until you.

cry.

goddamnit, i miss you. i know we didn't have anything and whatever we had was not as important to you as it was for me, but i miss you. and it hurts. i've been doing well on not missing you. anything, not your texts, our conversations, your voice. trying or pretending to miss other people, people that don't hurt anymore, just so i don't miss you but today, right now, this fucking moment, i miss you. just you. i miss going to sleep and thinking of you. dreaming of you. i miss our i love yous. whether they meant shit or not, i miss them. your awkwardness the first time we spoke on the phone. and eventhough i can count the times i've seen you with one hand, i miss you being in my presence. your face, especially your eyes that kill me. i miss you being the only thing on my mind. you having all my attention. ten thousand texts in two months. texting all day, aiming all night. talking to no one but you. loving no one else, just loving you. and i miss having your attention. thinking you were in love with me. i just miss what those two months were. everything about them, even the stupid, senseless arguments we had. i miss it all.

the playlist of death.

that's what i'm listening to. the playlist that hurts. that kills. the one that reminds me of you and just how fucked up shit is these days. i hate when she's sad, it makes me sad too but it's the kind of sadness i can't handle.

for good.

i hope the feeling really does goes away this time and doesn't come back any time soon.

M.

"i really missed your kisses too. and i don't like that you don't sleep but i love that you'd rather be talking and kissing and cuddling all night with me, than sleep. even when you have to get up in two hours."

i love that you make the time to come over even when i know you're exhausted.

no one knows your heart better than you.

a girl.

messages.

that message will haunt me for the rest of my life.

just friends.

M: so what are you?
me: we're friends.
M: friends? you're actually friends.
me: yes, that's all we've been and all we can be.

lo mismo.

eso si duele, y duele feo. que le digan a otra persona lo mismo que te decian a ti. y mas cuando es alguien que parece ser solo, no quiero decir broma, pero algo asi. que facil salen las palabras, que dificil es darte cuenta que fuiste algo muy poco para tal persona.

blogspot.

dear blogspot, i think it's unfair that people can follow anonymously. i'd like to know who that "anonymous girl" is and why she's following my shit. tumblr is down and shit's going on my head. too many emotions at the same time. not knowing anything like usual. ugh.

...

i don't know what i'm feeling.

in the morning i'll be with you but it'll be a different kind.

she was half naked on top of me, i was fully clothed.
my hand being the only thing touching the covered part of her body.
i wasn't allowed to move or touch any other part of her.
she starts moving back and forth on my legs and on my hand.
it starts slowly but shortly begins to pick up pace.
her breathing begins to intensify, her mouth opens just enough to see her tongue, a tongue that i want nothing but to have mine dance with it.
she looks straight into my eyes, breathing heavily and giving me a mischievous look and grin.

this is a part of her i've never seen, she used to be so innocent, so insecure about sex.
she keeps moving on my hand.
i move my fingers inside of her to help with the pleasure but she tells me to stop.
i try to run my other hand up her leg, i am denied. i am not allowed to do anything.
it's both frustrating and exciting at the same time.
she leans in to what seems like a kiss, but goes for my neck, kissing it and biting it. the goosebumps on my body could rip clothes.
now my breathing begins to intensify and swallowing saliva has become a bit difficult.
i can feel her heart beating heavily against my body, like a hammer.
she runs her cold hand up my warm back and digs her nails in deep, drawing blood, i felt my skin tear. her movement becomes faster and... deeper.

she grabs my hand and places it it around her neck. i say no. she doesn't budge.
i've never been able to do this with her. never choking, never anything semi-rough. to me she's delicate, fragile. this is why all of this is so surreal.
she gives me this demanding look and a demanding "AIDEE". i cave in.
she tells me to tighten my grip. i do as i am told.
everything after this moment is the most exciting thing in the world.
both of my hands are occupied at this point... but now i have some control.
i move my fingers inside of her, i feel her body spasm violently and she moans in instant pleasure.
she leans in to kiss me and we share a deep, passionate kiss. our tongues waltzing beautifully together.

i open my eyes to have a good look at her face. she's not the girl i met two years ago. she's no longer a girl. there isn't much fragility to her.
i was always afraid i was gonna break her, both physically and emotionally.
i did, at some point, bend her emotionally, but never broke.
she's still delicate, but women are delicate.
i close my eyes when i feel her body spasming and trembling.
i'm still multitasking.
she bites my lip and that's cue to let go of her neck, so i do.
she lets out a long, beautiful moan and she orgasms on my fingers.
she kisses me one last time and lays her half naked body on top of me, breathing heavily on my bruised neck.
this had never happened with her. the way her body trembled, it was unbelievable, unwordly. i didn't know how to feel about it because i didn't do much at first, but i finished it.
she lays her head on my chest and i can feel her face smiling. i smile and let out a little laugh.
she looks at me with her smile and kisses me.
we cuddle all day long.

we've never felt this way at the same time.

we were just two 23 year olds with broken hearts sharing lovely, painful memories. sitting in a smokey, dark room, filling our lungs with eachother's second hand smoke. listening to "dreamy electro" and nearly in tears as the stories progressed. mine, completely innocent, since there really isn't much to tell. his, full of romance and opening up. i never want to see him this way again. he's sad. he tears up. he's heart broken. we've never felt this way at the same time, we hadn't, until today. a much needed time with my best friend. deep conversations with a spike of our usual vulgar ways, cigarettes in the shoebox, a vanilla candle, a lamp and good music, it was a good night.

i am a mess today.

some days i wish she didn't exist in my life, at least that way, some day i could realize she was never here to begin with.

but then again, she is the best thing that's come into my life and eventhough it hurts, i want her in my life.

i don't know how to make this stop. my head is always constantly battling itself.

this feeling again.

i hate it. i will never stop saying how much i hate it. sometimes it just comes and goes, most of the times it comes and stays. i want it to go and never come back.