once more.

i don't know how much you cared back then but i'm sure it wasn't killing you, and i don't think you care much now.

but i'm sorry i never fought for you when you told me you wanted a friendship from me only. i was consumed by thoughts of you and him that made me want to rip my head off. and all i thought i was, was a perfect candidate for your loneliness. like i was just renting a space in your head or heart until he came back. i was upset. i still am. extremely upset. upset is actually an understatement. but i am sorry for not fighting for you. but don't think it was because i didn't think it was worth it, because it was. i just didn't know what to do and i kill myself every day thinking maybe there was something i could have done. i don't think there was but now i'll never know. i die a little each day knowing i am no longer what i was to you, even if for a minute. even if it wasn't real. i die. i die knowing that i will never be what you are to me. and i die because i should have tried. even if it was a battle i couldn't win. i should have done something. i just felt hopeless and didn't know what to do. i'll forever hate myself for it. and if there is one thing i could take back, it's that. i want you and if i knew what i could do to make you mine, i would do it. in a heart beat. i want to fight for you, even if it's too late, even if you don't want me to because chances are there's not much to be done. but i love you and there isn't anything in the world that i want more than you.

because i hadn't felt this shitty in a couple of weeks.

i feel like shit. i don't even fucking know why, i just feel like shit right now.